Obsessive thoughts, ritualistic behaviour - I risk losing everything!

[redshoes]

Hello, I wondered if someone might have some advice for me.

I have for some time now been behaving in a terrible manner to those around me, particularly my partner. I recognise that I have deep self-esteem issues and insecurity that stems from a complicated childhood with - you guessed it - my parents. Even though both my partner and I know that I have these existing problems, and we both suffer from mood swings and bleak moods, I have now run out of excuses for the way I am acting. I can't blame it on the many and varied things I always resort to blaming it on, I just have to help myself get better. I have been given the ultimatum to sort myself out or risk losing my adorable, patient and infinitely loyal partner. It's such a deep pit of crap that I have to come to terms with, basically all about control and trying to manipulate everything and be the 'winner', being unable to trust and truly disliking myself. I believe I am currently suspended in fantasy with all these demons around me, and even though they don't exist I can't stop looking for them and entertaining bad thoughts.

I find myself obsessing over thoughts and emotions that are impossible to block out, and the worst thing is, I don't want to just block them out, I want to not think up these emotions and think these thoughts in the first place. My life is governed by irrational behaviour. I am aggressive, paranoid and competitive about everything, and I really mean every single thing I suddenly and randomly choose to be competitive about. I find meaning in places where there are none, make resolutions and promises to change but I never do, arbitrarily decide that certain actions, results, situations mean this or that and that they have terrible consequences unless I can 'fix' them or tamper with them. I feel gripped with fear about anything that I haven't policed as being 'safe', so that's any 'thing' - a situation, contact, friend, pamphlet, box, place in the world...anything. I think that everything will end in danger and deceit and anything else that has already happened will have been something that mocks who I am and what I have.

I have betrayed my partner's trust time and again by snooping through all belongings, checking emails, pawing over cards and photos or other keepsakes that were from a time way before me. I keep sabotaging myself time and time again in an awful sadistic way. I am obsessed with asking questions about the past, and I mean really obsessed. If I ask the question it means upset and trouble, not because of what the answer might be (although there is never a good answer, I will always find something to be upset about), but because of the harassing cavalcade of questions and interrogation I give my partner. They are at their wits end, I have reduced them to tears, made them shout, walk out on me...all sorts. The bottom line is I can't stop conjuring up these questions, prying, upsetting questions about other people and past events, all of which have really nothing to do with me. Just now, a new fear popped into my head. My partner is away working on Saturday night and I am worried that something awful is going to happen. In particular, at the place that they will be working I think someone might come on to them and instead of telling the stranger "no thanks, I have a partner" outright, some awkward thing will happen that will lead them to having a 'shared moment'. Either that or the people around my partner will act in a way that I cannot observe and police. I can't believe I even think stuff like this. I used to think I was happy and had faith in the powers of goodness and the universe taking care of things. Now I just feel like if I don't control things something awful will happen.

All my life I have done things to sabotage, ruin and hurt myself, whether it's cutting and burning myself, walking out on a job, smashing something, ruining a friendship. On paper I have the perfect life, I really do. I just can't trust anyone or believe that it's not going to end or come crashing down in a second. I can't let anything be. I'm sorry to go on, if a lot of it didn't make sense it's because there are so many things wrong and I've just got so much to say about it all. I really need help and advice.

[redshoes]

I am sorry if I am being impatient, but can anyone offer any advice on this at all? I am on the waiting list for government counselling and that is taking a real long time to come through, I really need some help with this. I am reading through other posts to see if there is anything relevant. Thanks.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I actually don't have advice at this moment. I'm quite the same way and have just had something happen that has got me anxious again. I just wanted you to know you're not alone. There are a lot of things I've done that have helped, including being coached by Angela (a moderator on these forums), The Work of Byron Katie and The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I've come a long way and made a lot of changes, but right now.....

In any case, I mostly just wanted to respond so you can see that someone is here, if not with a solution, with at least a hug. I know it makes you crazy. Hang in there...

[redshoes]

Thank you, that's a kind reply. I was sort of expecting someone to tell me to grow up and stop being such a whiner. I found an article online, this is EXACTLY how I am. Quite ashamed I must say....

Are You a Control Freak?

and the original article the author has apparently plagiarised
Dealing With Control Freaks

[Lauxa]

Hi redshoes,

I don't have any specific advice, but I am having pretty good results with my Negative affirmations thought experiment and I offer for you to try this out with me.

If you want to, this is what you do:
1) Watch your thoughts.
2) When a negative thought comes in, reframe it as not-positive.
3) Spend a few seconds repeating your not-positive as a mantra.
4) Do a little visualization on what your life would look like if that positive thing were in your life.
5) Give yourself lots of love and affirmation for keeping your thoughts focused on the positive.

Examples:

I am aggressive, paranoid and competitive

I am not self-assured, I am not laid back, I am not safe, I am not at peace.

I am worried that something awful is going to happen.

Everything is not going to be okay, it won't work out for the best, my partner won't be faithful.

I am obsessed with asking questions about the past

I can't let go of the past.

I keep sabotaging myself time and time again in an awful sadistic way.

I don't act in my own best interest, I don't want the best for myself.

Well, good luck, it sounds like you have some stuff to work on but if you can change your thought patterns you can create anything you desire.

[Starman]

Originally Posted by redshoes

Hello, I wondered if someone might have some advice for me.

I'm sure you already know this, but I'll say it anyway, to promote clarity.

In relationships, you can’t love another and not be vulnerable at the same time. When you invest your feelings and caring in another, that person has the power to hurt you by betraying your love; the only way to be completely sure you won’t be hurt is to not invest your feelings in the relationship, or in other words not have one at all.

You don’t like the fact that there’s no guarantee you won’t be hurt, and you’re trying to do everything possible to mitigate all risks in situations, to prevent yourself from feeling bad.

I’m sure you know all this, the question is what to do, how to fix the situation.

Here is my suggestion:

2 things.

Thing 1:

You need to immediately read some books. Don’t wait one second longer than you have to – do it as soon as humanly possible! If you’ve already read these, read them again.

The Four Agreements, by Don Ruiz
The Mastery of Love, by Don Ruiz
Living Loving and Learning by Leo Buscaglia

Any of several books by these same authors, but especially by Don Ruiz.

Thing two:

Once you’ve read the books, especially the first two, you’ll have some idea of how to embark on a healing process, to heal wounds from years and years ago that are still hurting you.

Then tell your partner that you’re deeply sorry for the pain that you’ve caused. You need to be sincere, cry if at all possible. Tell them that you’re ready to begin the healing process that will finally heal some very deep wounds in your emotional body, wounds that are spreading poison not only throughout your life, but through theirs as well. Take responsibility for the damage you’ve done in the relationship, and tell them that you’re going to fix this, that you’ve discovered what you need to do to fix not only your relationship, but your whole life.

Then follow the instructions in the books, especially the Mastery of Love.


Some quotes from the two authors I mentioned above:

I believe that you control your destiny, that you can be what you want to be. You can also stop and say, No, I won't do it, I won't behave his way anymore. I'm lonely and I need people around me, maybe I have to change my methods of behaving and then you do it.
- Leo Buscaglia

Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations.
- Leo Buscaglia

Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love.
- Leo Buscaglia

Life lived for tomorrow will always be just a day away from being realized.
- Leo Buscaglia

Change is the end result of all true learning.
- Leo Buscaglia

Don't smother each other. No one can grow in shade.
- Leo Buscaglia


Good Luck,

Starman

[redshoes]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful answers, they are very helpful. I will do some reading.

I already started reading a couple of books that I thought might help me - the essential Dalai Lama (which wasn't so great for me) and another on peace by a Tibetan monk (very helpful, if a little whimsical).

I'll let you know how it goes.

Thanks again.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by redshoes

Thank you, that's a kind reply. I was sort of expecting someone to tell me to grow up and stop being such a whiner.

Well, if I told you that I'd just be a huge hypocrite! One thing I will tell you is to always take 100% responsibility. Around here that has nothing to do with fault and blame, but with proactive action taken on your own behalf to create the life you want. In this case, you recognize that this is an issue that is affecting you and the people around you. And so, in the spirit of 100% responsibility, you see that, accept it and then take steps to make changes, learn and grow. You're on a good path coming here and putting it all out on the table and asking for help. The first step is to believe that change is possible. Once you get that, it's seeking resources, being open to new ideas and implementing them. I want to encourage you, because after the first response I left, you may have felt like there wasn't hope of a full recovery! But, the moment in which I was so anxious was extrememly short-lived compared to the past when I would have been likely to go into a spiral. I've been working on myself for a while and have made so much progress. Keep after it! You have a good community here to support you as well.

I'm glad you've got some suggestions of resources to look into. I definitely think some type of counseling would be helpful, but you may need to search around a bit to find one that is right for you.

[Cristal Lilly]

you remind me so much of someone I love.. it's like you're describing them almost perfectly. well, that aspect of them, as it is an aspect of you.

along with everything else other people recommended, I would like to recommend you a book that might adress the source of most of these feelings, a.k.a. helps in recovering from whatever your childhood was like (I suspect it's got a lot to do with all these symptoms you're experiencing. if I can judge by that person I love.).

it's called "Toxic Parents: overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life", or just 'toxic parents' for short. it's by susan forward (with craig buck).

I don't agree with everything in it, but it does provide some light to better handle some root things that shaped you while you were a child. and the author is actually a therapist.

I wish you the best of luck on your road to recovery.. you have the power to change

[tintin]

dear redshoes (your name btw is completely whacky)
my heart goes out to you

do i know you?
i dont know you sound like my bro.

and ive been waiting for him..to talk to reach out but he will not let go of his pain
it breaks my heart to see him this way.

honey(okay can i pretend youre my bro?)

BIG HUG!!!

you hurting i know but maybe you dont.
seeing you ripping thru life thru people

are you trying to stem your own pain?

can you see the boy in the mirror

can you look at him ..just look into your own eyes redshoes

simple enough?

5 minutes in a day

be brave

just..........l o o k i n t o y o u r o w n e y e s

_________________________

dont run away be strong you can do this
and by the way youre not alone your guardians and spirit guides are their with you right now...and have been knocking ..funnily a song for you is coming in my head one of MJs "you are not alone"

[redshoes]

Hello again.
I'm afraid I'm not your brother, I don't have any siblings.
Firstly I'd like to say thank you again to all your responses, they are really helpful. I am ready to try and fix this but it is really, really hard. The only thing this reminds me of, giving up my horrible behaviours and mental patterns, is when I tried to give up smoking. I don't smoke often now, not regularly, but I always lapse into smoking now and again, and love it every time I do. It's the same with thinking negatively and digging around for pain. Every time I do it I feed some horrible thing in me that just craves attention and sadly, I think I enjoy it in some kind of sadistic way. Masochistic might be more appropriate. Anyway, you know what I mean.
I've been alright for a couple of days, well that's sort of a lie. I mean, I've mostly not let negative thoughts govern me but they are always there. I have asked my partner questions, nightly, about his past. This week it has been all about me and him doing the things that he did with other people. For instance, if I find out he went to a play or show with someone, I will ask him if we can go. I even lie and shoehorn my way into conversations about these things just so I can mention them and gauge his reaction and also because I want to repeat the experience and make it mine.
Today I have been obsessing about whether he has ever pleasured himself whilst fantasisng about his teenage friend that he used to have a crush on. I can't stop thinking about it. I am jealous and competetive and want to police his thoughts. His thoughts from over ten years ago! I can't believe it. It's totally disappointing. The worst thing is I'd usually demand answers to these horrible, jarring questions. I can't believe I usually ask him stuff like that outright...'have you ever had a wank over...' It's awful.
I wonder if my mind is just twisted and wrong. The worst thing is I have done a million times worse things than fantasised over a crush I had ten years ago. And I do mean "bad girl" stuff. Maybe it's all that coming back to haunt me and I'm petrified the stuff I have done will happen to me.
I am still waiting for my counselling. It's free, government funded, so there's a huge waiting list.
Sorry to offload this stuff here all the time. I realise I've said nothing positive in the above post and simply vented childish fascinations and horrible thoughts. Idiot.

edit - - Oh yeah, clearly I am a girl. I tried to hide that in my first post but have since given up.

[Lauxa]

Originally Posted by redshoes

I am ready to try and fix this but it is really, really hard.

Tell yourself it is easy (or not easy) and see if that helps.

What would your life look like if you could let go of the past? Maybe you could do some visualizations on that, about 20 minutes a day. Remember to keep your visualizations in the present, here's a tip on that from SP:

Initially I found it very difficult to get myself to imagine having what I wanted in the present moment. My logical mind rejected the notion because it was clear that I wasn’t anywhere close to having what I wanted. But I found a nice little trick that helped a lot. I imagined that I’d shifted to an alternate reality where there was another me who was experiencing exactly what I wanted right now. I just had to tune my thoughts to the right frequency to feel what he was feeling. My logical mind was okay with that; it’s funny that it could accept the idea of alternate dimensions, even though it couldn’t quite accept the idea of having what I wanted right this instant.

(Originally published in Feeling Blessed.)

Your mind is not twisted and wrong, it's just established some deep negative channels and your thoughts go easily down these channels because they are so familiar. You can start cutting some new channels through your neurons if that's what you want.