Really Angry with Parents

[Hsiang-Lin]

Hi everyone,

I'm in a really angry and bad mood right now. I feel my parents still treat me like a kid and whenever I accomplish something that I'm proud of in my path to personal development, they seem to make the achievement trivial or something I "should have done" a long time ago.

I was always very close with my parents, but last night after talking with my mom and having her telling me every tiny little thing to do so that I look presentable in a job interview, I got really frustrated and today I showed that with the tone of my voice.

The thing is, I don't think they are doing it intentionally, but I believe it will be hard for them to see my view. My mom always teased me when I was young that I would change later on and ignore them. I get very angry when I think about that. I think it is a trap. They are trying to trap me into their way of thinking so that if I change my views, they can bring back how I used to tell them I would always be there for them. I think that is very evil.

But at the same time, I know they don't mean it and they can't help it. Arrrrgh. I am so frustrated right now. I think I need a new definition of family. Their thinking no longer aligns with mine, but at the same time I don't have a strong support group outside. I have one friend who has beliefs that align closely with mine and is highly ambitious and lives life courageously, but he is on vacation right now.

I feel very lonely, yet not a social lonely feeling. More like a need to find someone who is highly ambitious and independent and open-minded. Someone who can appreciate my efforts in personal development even when I fail. I feel my parents always feel disappointed when I try something new and I fail. I can just sense it on their lips the "I told you so" comment and that irates me to no end. I can't stand people who can't take failure. I'm trying to face it as much as possible and it seems their negative energy is following me every drop of the way with "I told you so." And then they tell me to keep studying hard and all that BS. That's what I'm trying to do! But everytime I talk to you guys it feels like you're rubbing it in. Arrrrgh.

Sorry, for the long rant. I think for the first time in my life, I really feel estranged from my parents. I felt it in the past, but this time I think I need to mature and realize my parents can no longer have such a burden on me. It is highly disempowering and my thirst for personal development is heavily hindered the more I talk to them.

Do you guys have any advice? Sorry, I'm just in a bad mood right now so if I sound really stupid or unreasonable, that's the reason.

[Angela]

Hsiang-Lin, what you're going through is so normal, and even healthy, believe it or not. You're transitioning to adulthood, and please don't consider this to be condescending, because it is absolutely not meant that way, but you're experiencing growing pains. It won't last long, and retreat from your parents is a perfectly fine strategy now!

One trick is to be careful that you speak responsibly during this time, so that you minimize the possibility of hurting people and regretting it later.

You are so far ahead of the curve in so many ways. You are a great treasure to the people who love you and to the people whom you help, now and in the future. Feel what you feel, and allow it to assist you in your ambitious and beautiful path.

I hope your New Year leads you into a wonderful breakthrough.
Love,
Angela

[RT Wolf]

Angela has a point. Your situation typical and atypical in some ways. Parents want what's best for their kids, and that usually means what they're familiar with.

There's a number of issues here. One is your parents' treatment of you and your interest, and there is also your emotions. As for your emotions, the most difficult (but most effective) recommendation I can give yuo is to remember that you love your parents and let that love bleed out your anger. There's other ways to deal with emotions, and I'm sure many o fhtem are mentioned on the forums.

As for your parents, you can have a direct conversation with them about these issues. Keep in mind that their perspective is different and be open to listening and understanding it. Seek first to understand and then be understood. I would recommend picking up a few books on communication (Crucial Conversations is a very good one, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People also has some great information) to help smooth out the process.

You can also continue to demonstrate your maturity. Let them know that making mistakes is a part of growing up. They are probably afraid of failure in their own lives, so this might entail helping to change their views on mistakes and failure. Parents have to become reaqainted with their children as they grow up, and it can be a difficult process for both parents and children. Don't get angry and remember that you love them.

Without being critical, your mother's words on your changing later and ignoring her/them sound like the insecurity of a mother and you would probably be well served by placating that concern of hers.

Remember that you parents are human and that they are emotional beings, so when you're thinking about solutions, keep in mind their feelings, thoughts and views. You can never understand other people too much.

HTH and Good luck!

[Hsiang-Lin]

Thank you for your advice and help, Angela and RT Wolf.

I'm a bit better now. I'm still not totally at peace with it, but for now I've brought back an old tactic I used to use when I wanted to get something done that I REALLY don't want to do.

The tactic is estranging my real self from my parents. So on the surface, I can do whatever is needed to keep the relationship stable. But I don't see myself confiding to them anytime soon. I just can't stand another one of those "I told you so" moments. It hurts a lot and I can already imagine their reaction to such "horrendous rebellion."

It's a very powerful tactic for me because I am capable of doing whatever it takes to get the job done. However, I realize it is a somewhat stone-cold and inhuman tactic as I basically view people as objects and a means to an end.

I can sense something wrong with this view, but it is so empowering for me and also it allows me to do things that I cannot do when I put my real self on the line. I'm afraid if I put my real self on the line again, I will explode or do something worse. Letting them know I was unhappy today I'm sure is already on their minds and they're prob. really angry at me right now (which makes me even more angry thinking about it) and worried (which the better side of me is saying is the root of their anger).

I don't feel like I can discuss these issues with them, but for the meantime, I will learn to cope with it until I can find a better solution.

[Erki]

Originally Posted by Hsiang-Lin

However, I realize it is a somewhat stone-cold and inhuman tactic as I basically view people as objects and a means to an end.

I can sense something wrong with this view, but it is so empowering for me and also it allows me to do things that I cannot do when I put my real self on the line.

Yes, if you take this approach far enough, you pretty much start ignoring your parents. I know, I'm doing it...

[Akashic_Librarian]

I believe in Equal Respect.

If my parents give me respect, then I give them respect.

My Mom respects me, so I respect her and our relationship is fine.


My Dad doesn't respect me much at all, so I don't respect him much, our relationship isn't so great.


He is at a very low level of consciousness, he got angry and really defensive when I asked him why he wouldn't try something Vegetarian.

[Michelle]

What if you would show your parents this thread?

[stephencp]

I wonder how many people posting want "respect" and "equality" and are unhappy with their "relationships" with their parents but are totally happy with the fact that thier parents provide for them in spite of similar feelings on the other side? Doesn't that unconditional support justify a good deal of respect and love in and of itself?

Stephen
39 year old parent of two.....

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Akashic_Librarian

I believe in Equal Respect.
If my parents give me respect, then I give them respect.
My Mom respects me, so I respect her and our relationship is fine.
My Dad doesn't respect me much at all, so I don't respect him much, our relationship isn't so great.
He is at a very low level of consciousness, he got angry and really defensive when I asked him why he wouldn't try something Vegetarian.

This is in accordance with the satanic rule: "Do unto others as they have done unto you;" it's the kind of vengeance thinking that causes so much downward spiraling between people.

I believe taking 100% responsibility for relationships works better, and creates an upward spiral.

(your last remark is the most ironic and lugubrious sentence I've seen written on these boards, by the way; I invite you to take a closer look at your thinking in this matter.)

[Akashic_Librarian]

Haha of course yes. When I say I don't show them respect, i don't Disrespect them, I show them LESS respect, thats what i should have said, i am not nasty about it, I just phase out a little.

I do NOT agree with most of the Satanic Principles or the religion and I don't appreciate being compared to the religion or its ideals. I am NOT a bad person, nor would I harm anyone unless I had just cause I.E/ Self Defence, and we all know that by following the LoA, there is nmo need for violence.

I certainly do not believe in equal cause and effect, I do unto others as I would have them do unto me. Nothing more, nothing less.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Akashic_Librarian

I certainly do not believe in equal cause and effect, I do unto others as I would have them do unto me. Nothing more, nothing less.

If it is true that you do unto others as you have them do unto you, then you will show lots of respect for both your parents, as you would have them show you lots of respect.

Instead, you dole or phase out your respect according to how much respect they show you or don't show you. That is not "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." It's vengeance.

I did not mean to call you a satanist; I know you are not, and I'm sorry you took it that way.

[stephencp]

"I do unto others as I would have them do unto me. Nothing more, nothing less."

Apparently not.... are you supporting your parents? It seems as if your parents are doing far more for you than you give in return, starting with financial support. "Money" is really just a proxy for what it buys so they are really contributing to you nutrionally, spiritually (I don't suppose you pay for you own Internet connection...), etc. And what do you do in return?

Stephen

[RT Wolf]

Reciprocation is a very powerful tendancy in human beings (check signature). However, I believe that the step to a higher level of consciousness (Joy and Love, for one) requires letting go of those beliefs and accepting that you love others regardless of what they have done to you. And realizing that they are human, and their circumstances have brought them where they have.

Simple 1-1 reciprocation is not a bad thing, and it's often a more empowering set of beliefs than "let others walk all over me", however an even more empowering belief is learning to love everyone regardless of what they have done to you. Because anger comes from hurt. And it is the ego that is hurt. Learning to move beyond the ego is an important step in that respect is very important. It is the abundance mentality applied to love and caring.

That may not be a step everyone is willing or ready to take, but I would like to say it's a more empowering one. I'm adopting it now under a great deal of fire, so it is possible and it is more empowering.

Hsiang, seperating your real self from a mask for your family is something I did for a number of years, without really being aware of it. It has ended badly when they found out more abuot myself.

I am also reminded of these two blog entries:

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...ficult-people/

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...-perspectives/

For myself, I redefined the problem of controlling my emotions as an spiritual one w/ the help of The Power of Now and A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. And I redefined the actual issue with my family as a communication one. I am still dealing with the consequences of having a mask, so I would strongly suggest openly speaking to them about the situation. They may very well appreciate your honesty.

I've found that in life, sometimes you have to ask yourself the question: What is the way that requires the most discipline, the most hard work and the most courage?

[The Probabilist]

Respect and care for everyone, especially those who don't deserve it.
If you can't apply this to your parents, then at least apply it once you have kids of your own.
Then at least you've got a second chance to break a negative pattern.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by The Probabilist

Respect and care for everyone, especially those who don't deserve it.
If you can't apply this to your parents, then at least apply it once you have kids of your own.
Then at least you've got a second chance to break a negative pattern.

I think it is very wise to get complete with your parents BEFORE you procreate. If you're holding onto hurt and anger at your parents, you'll certainly carry that into your own parenting.

Likewise, I think that the "especially if they don't deserve it" approach is one of holding onto hurt and anger. Everybody deserves respect and care, don't they? That doesn't mean condoning their actions, or allowing yourself to be mistreated, but it does mean continually letting go of whatever you're clutching -- old pain, resentment, the need to be right, whatever it is that's turning your knuckles white.

For Hsiang-Lin, it might involve removing yourself, physically or emotionally, but I suspect that as generous as you are, you will eventually create a loving and free environment for everyone you're involved with.

[Hsiang-Lin]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your concern and I'm a bit surprised at the response to this thread as I thought most people would view it as just another one of those teenage rebellion rants.

I feel silly in a way at my reaction to my parents now that I've had time to think about it. But at the same time, I think this is a new stage in our relationship. I changed immensely within the past 3 months. I became a vegetarian, picked up bodybuilding, started experimenting with new models of reality (notably Steve's subjective model), and tried out new productivity and studying techniques such as Photoreading. I would never had done all this had I not discovered Steve's website.

But as everyone says about Yin and Yang, I think the negative aspect to such sudden growth is that I feel very conflicted at times because I feel I have outgrown so many of my parents' ways of thinking. When I talk to people now, I notice I find myself more interested in knowing about their views on heavy topics such as the meaning of life and what is their purpose in life.

I feel I already have the attitude and mindset ready to tackle the difficult challenges of life, but it seems with every step I take off the "normal" path, I meet resistance from my parents. It's not blatant resistance, but more like subtle things such as the tone of their voice or what they say.

I think you guys are right, I need to talk to them honestly about this. But at the same time, it's like telling them, "I'm going to fail a lot in my new path" to people who are failure germaphobes. That is what it feels like. I feel they have not been there with me for this huge change and also they try telling me my new vegetarian diet is a result of Internet brainwash and I need to stay away from such bad advice on the Internet

I know they have the best of intentions, but we simply just aren't speaking the same language. I say I want to achieve great things in life. They say, OK study hard and get a job. I say I am eating healthy by avoiding meats and drinking soy milk. They say, OK you need to drink milk and stop reading so much Internet brainwash.

I'm going to read those two articles you posted RT Wolf and hopefully that will help. I think I have reached a stepping stone in the past few hours though. I feel if my parents are truly stubborn and uncompromising, I can still use the stone-cold tactic when I talk to them and eventually find a more supporting group. But if things go better, then I won't have to use that tactic and can go on my merry way. Thanks everyone!

[Hsiang-Lin]

Hi to anyone who still cares to read!

I have a happy ending to this story. I just talked to my parents for about 3 hours and they were really understanding. What I realized was that I felt they were putting too much pressure on me when they kept asking how my studies were going to the point that I felt that if I failed, they would be really angry.

They said they ask because they care just like friends ask each other how they're doing because they care. I knew this in the back of my mind, but for some reason I think hearing them say that made all the difference. Also, I've been quite sheltered in my new apartment at Purdue so I realize I need to make more friends and go socialize more to prevent my life from being so boring and caged in.

Plus, my parents even encouraged me to pick up my favorite past time...videogames! They actually said they want to see my new TV and PS2 tomorrow morning. Wow, I never imagined my parents would be FORCING me to buy a game system when they've always told me not to play too much in the past. Haha, I sound like a little kid, but I think what I learned from all this is that it helps to talk the problem over with the ones you care about the most and it makes things infinitely better if they see your side.

It makes me wonder how people with rough childhoods can handle life. That is a hard issue for me to think about and I feel for those who don't have the caring family support. Anyway, thank you everyone for your help and I'll see you on the boards soon!

[RT Wolf]

Great to hear that! My guess is that you've set a powerful precedant by talking about your emotions and understanding their point of view. It's very important in a solid and open relationship. Great work!

[lolly]

Its great to hear when a child can talk to their parents about how they are feelings. Parents don't always no what is right, my parents have admitted that to me. I also used to feel that if i failed my parents would seen me as a failure in life. We all need to talk to our parents more often about what we feel or family relationships just may fall apart. We need to be close because they won't always be around and i believe we miss them when they not there.

So build a strong realtionship with your parents becuase they can also help you grow as a person.

[elainevdw]

Wow, it sounds like your parents are really willing to listen to you!

My boyfriend has a similar dynamic going on with his parents, but they aren't embracing the change quite as much as yours.

Just remember, in the future, when they revert and put more pressure on you -- they're just being your parents. Moms like yours will always nag you about what to wear to interviews. They consider it their rights as mothers. And a dad's interest in your career will always feel like some sort of pressure you have to live up to, even though they don't mean it like that.

The thing that helped me with my parents, who aren't like that, was a combination of me letting go of wanting to make them proud, and them letting go of their need to parent me. It's funny, because once we let those things go, I do feel that I make them proud. And they do still get to parent me. (My mom loves feeding me when I come over, and my dad likes taking care of my car.) Those attachments, though, are what created all the stress in the first place.

I do know it's hard for my mom to stifle her mothering, though. A lot of the times, she call me maybe twice in a week, and apologize the second time, because she doesn't want to seem overbearing. Which tickles me pink; I love talking to my mom.

[Nikos Sokin]

It's been a month since you said things worked out with your parents. I just wanted to say, I don't think not confiding every detail of your life with your parents is necessarily a punishment or necessarily a negative action. You seem to have a close relationship with them, which is great. I do agree with you that it would be good in many ways to push your boundaries a bit and meet some people and make some new friends. It's not that easy to happen upon people that you might have something in common with, so it would take getting out there a bit more.. but these social skills will be very important to you for the rest of your life. Might as well exercise them now...