How to help someone get rid of their clutter?

[Rose of Cairo]

Hi all,

I'm currently helping my mom to get organized and to transform her very full and messy house into a neat, clean, pleasant place. I taught her my time-management system and now we're cleansing the house step by step, sorting all the clutter out and reorganizing everything.

I'd like to precise that she explicitely asked me for help in this, so it's not like I want to push my views on her... We defined a goal together and are now working toward it. She's also very happy about it. And very proud. And shows it to others, and says "Look how neat and beautiful!". She says she feels much better in a decluttered space and has more energy. So she's glad about our work despite of all.

The problem I'm having is that it's very difficult to get her to get rid of the clutter. She has hoarded incredible amounts of totally useless stuff with no particular place to store it. Even if we invented a fixed place for each item, the house would still be too full and too small to contain all this clutter.

Unfortunately, she has a very hard time letting go of these things. I can feel her resistance and fear very well when we go through the stuff and decide what to keep and what to give away. She says it's such a waste. Most of it we donate or give to be recycled. Still, she can't bring herself to let it go. It takes ages till we're done with hesitating and arguing over keeping this or that or not. She always says it could be useful some day, etc. She even has several transport boxes full of packaging material for the case that some day she might need to send a package... When we have managed to sort everything in one place and I'm carrying stuff away, she goes back and takes things out of the "exit" box again!

I have no experience with such issues, as I'm not attached to objects at all. It's difficult for me to understand it. I try not to put any pressure on her, and simply to be lovingly present and let her time, but I admit that sometimes it really irritates me. I see it as my mission to get the clutter out of the house, which is what she explicitely asked for, and now she resists what herself asked me to do... We don't get much done this way. Nevertheless, it's emotionally very exhausting for me. I feel very, very tired when we're done with one small closet.

Does someone have experience with such issues? Could you explain to me how such a person thinks and feels about their clutter? When I ask her, I get rational answers like "it's such an ecological crime to throw this away" or she just looks like a little kid whose teddybear you're trying to throw away. How can I make her feel safe enough to gently bring her to get rid of her stuff without it being such a drama for both of us?

Thanks!

[freddy]

well my reason for keeping things are the feeling I might be able to use it and I hate being wasteful. l see it as I might use it or come across someone who could. I see a value to the items, so throwing it out just don't feel right. My problem with donating the items is the larger places claim not for profit but thats not so. They turn around and sell the items. I tried yard sales, and get insulted by what someone will pay me for a item. So keeping the item sometimes is a better options.

[wren]

Hi Rose,

I've had similar experiences collecting random things, yet on a smaller scale. I recently starting the process of removing clutter and keeping things tidy in general.

What has helped me is to realize that if I need something, the universe will provide it for me. This means I can get rid of the extra dishes I don't use, the clothes I don't wear, and the magazines I don't read. If I really end up needing extra dishes, more clothes, or the information in those magazine articles, I will end up finding them again in my world and they will be more suited to who I am now.

Also, I love the idea that someone else who really wants or needs these items will get them when I give them away to charity.

Hope this helps!

[funchy]

I am such a pack-rat, and it's an effort to get rid of things. I wish I could be more buddist about it and not have any attachment to any objects.

There are a few things that might work:

Having someone else week through the stuff and throw 90% of it away. Sometimes I can't bring myself to throw away that pile of old magazines but if someone else does it and they're gone, then it's done. Anything that you're unsure of (eg. personal papers) can go into a box and be set on her desk to be sorted through later.

Having someone help me purge one corner of one room may inspire me to de-clutter. Seeing how nice it is to have a clean corner may energize me enough to over-ride my packrat habits. It also makes keeping the house clean so much easier.

Redirecting my hoarding tendencies can also work. If I sort my clutter and put 90% of it into bags/boxes for charity, then I have that sense of accomplishment. As long as I can remind myself someone can use the item more than I can, I am ok.

If I am being reminded about waste/scarcity, I remind myself it's a WASTE to keep things I never use. If someone in need can buy my item from a thrift store and enjoy it, that's a good thing; keeping it on a shelf to collect dust is a waste. It would be greedy of me to hoard.

Sometimes I have an item that was a gift, and there is a guilt factor in getting rid of it. I justify it by thinking about the nice item should be enjoyed. If I simply don't enjoy it, it really needs to go to someone who will appreciate it (charity, give away, whatever). If it's objects from someone who passed away, I keep one or two things which really remind me of them. The rest of the objects go on to be loved in someone else's home.

Here is a GREAT site/book on dealing with clutter:
FlyLady.net: Your personal online coach to help you gain control of your house and home

[ladee]

I am a hoarder. Mostly it is my art stuff and I get very anxious about getting rid of anything. I tell myself if I would get it organized, then it wouldn't bother my visual senses . It is very distracting to have all this STUFF and yet I can see I could use it someday for this art project or that shelf or just because I don't want to feel the anxiety of letting it go. I have had to move 19 times in the past 24 years and I think that has something to do with it. At least my STUFF is consistent. Wren gave me my answer. If I managed to aquire it one time, I will be able to aquire it again. i wrote recently about my vision of the house in the woods I would like to live in. Shortly afterward the thought came to me that until I clean up the house I have I may be daydreaming more than allowing the universe to provide for me. Then I read this thread and whoomp here I am. Don't ya just love it!!! I do know your mom needs to understand her attatchments before she can let go.Possibly your purpose is to help her unclutter her heart and mind first. I know what I know and still have a hard time letting go. Maybe ya'll can get back to discarding things later. Just the word DISCARD has alot of meaning for me, so help her understand . Good energy to you and your mom.

[ladee]

Thanks Wren, My Family Will Be Happy To Hear I May, And I Say "may", Be Getting Rid Of Some Of This Clutter. Except For My Rocks, Have To Keep My Rocks. That's Another Story. Thanks Again

[MagicalRealist]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

I'd like to precise that she explicitely asked me for help in this, so it's not like I want to push my views on her... We defined a goal together and are now working toward it.[...]

The problem I'm having is that it's very difficult to get her to get rid of the clutter. She has hoarded incredible amounts of totally useless stuff [...]

Unfortunately, she has a very hard time letting go of these things. I can feel her resistance and fear very well when we go through the stuff and decide what to keep and what to give away.[...]

I see it as my mission to get the clutter out of the house, which is what she explicitely asked for, and now she resists what herself asked me to do... We don't get much done this way. Nevertheless, it's emotionally very exhausting for me. I feel very, very tired when we're done with one small closet.

Does someone have experience with such issues? Could you explain to me how such a person thinks and feels about their clutter? When I ask her, I get rational answers like "it's such an ecological crime to throw this away" or she just looks like a little kid whose teddybear you're trying to throw away. How can I make her feel safe enough to gently bring her to get rid of her stuff without it being such a drama for both of us?

The problem is, you can't make her feel safe as far as getting rid of her stuff goes--that has to come from her.

And the more you push, the more she will resist.

I don't doubt that she wants a clean home that looks nice, and that she realizes the volume of stuff is a problem. But on the other hand, getting rid of "her things" in order to do that is going to bring up a lot of anxiety--the same anxiety that caused her to hoard it in the first place. Hoarding is often linked to OCD and other obsessive and/or compulsive behaviors; it's not rational. There's a lot of anxiety behind it.

So you're probably not going to get her place completely cleared out in one short span of time. In fact, you might never be able to get it cleared--not until she's emotionally ready to let go of things.

So maybe, rather than focus on getting rid of things, focus on getting her to identify her feelings about those things, and why she feels she must hold on to them. Get her talking about why she thinks she might need so much packing material, for example:

"What do you think you might want to send, Mom? And to who?"

She might not know. She probably doesn't have anything specific in mind; very few hoarders do. And then you can suggest that if she wants to send something in the future, she can always get her hands on more packing supplies--they aren't expensive, and there are always plenty of reusable ones available. Or at least have her reduce the amount to one small box of neatly-packed bubble wrap--she can still have that "just in case," but at least it isn't two big boxes.

And if she's anxious that those packing materials will just end up in the landfill, wasted, offer to take them to the nearest post office and leave them in the lobby for other people to take--that way, they will get used (and they will, especially at this time of year). De-emphasize throwing things out, and emphasize donating or recycling things, where they will get put to good use by people who will be happy to have them. Knowing that her stuff isn't just going in the trash might make it easier for her to let go.

Other questions you could ask:

"What's the worst thing that would happen if you got rid of this?" This is a good question because it forces her to switch from vague, free-floating anxiety about future needs to identifying specific fears. And yes, she might come up with a specific reason to hang on to something. But if you ask this question often enough, it might start to sink in, and she might start asking it of herself. Or else she'll give a reason, then realize that it's silly.

"If this thing suddenly vanished, and you needed it, could you easily replace it? What would it cost to do that?" If she's hoarding things like old jars, or cottage cheese tubs, or gift boxes, this might put things in perspective.

[ETA: "Are you willing to at least consider letting this go?" And if she says yes, ask, "When?" Get a firm date. If she's unable to give one, suggest one--"Tomorrow? Next Saturday?" Make it fairly short-term. She might decide she's willing to let go of it next week. Great. Drop the subject, then move on to something else. Then, before you leave for the day, ask her if maybe she's willing to let go of it now. You might be surprised how often she'll say yes.]

If you can make compromises with her by keeping just a little bit of everything, and letting the rest go, that might help. She might have 50 clean cottage cheese tubs and 75 jars clogging up her kitchen cabinets, along with assorted Tupperware and other food containers (or some other such equivalent). Get a box, put a small assortment of jars with lids and maybe half a dozen cottage cheese containers in it, and label the box. Put the box on a shelf in the garage or basement where she can get to it. That way, if she "needs" one of those things, she's got it, and it's in a place where she can find it--that level of control and organization might help assuage her anxiety and keep her from haphazardly collecting more.

Cardboard banker's boxes might be your best friend, here. If she's saving multiples of things (like jars and food-storage containers), and is resistant to purging them all, compromising by letting her keep one box of that stuff might help.

Also, if you have storage space at your own house, offer to take boxes of contested stuff to your place--on the condition that each box will have a "recycle/donate-by" date on it (say, four to six months from now), and if she doesn't ask for it back before that date, it's gone. Maybe add the rule that she has to wait three months before she can ask for it back--that's long enough for her to disconnect from it, and probably even forget it exists. And when the kill date comes, don't remind her; just get rid of it. It's amazing what "out of sight, out of mind" will do.

But always keep in mind that the harder you push her to get rid of stuff, the harder she is likely to resist. All of that stuff is protecting her from something--it's buffering some anxiety about want, and the future, and there not being enough, and maybe her not being able to provide for herself. So stay aware of that, and gently try to help her express those anxieties. And don't think this whole cleaning-out process has to be done all in one shot--it would be nice if you two could do that, and maybe you can, but accept that it might take repeated attempts, or sustained, low-intensity work rather than one big purge.

[Stressless]

Hi Rose of Cairo,

It is indeed very hard for your mother to let go of things, specailly stuff which she has been keeping for years. It is human nature to get attached to stuff.

Some people are compulsive hoarders. If she has been living with clutter all her life, maybe she is one of them. But you are also saying that she is happy that her house is getting clean. Perhaps you should emphasize that de-cluttering will also free her mind and emotions and then she will be able to move forward. Plus a clean house will be easier to keep clean so her work load will reduce.

Hope this helps

[freddy]

Originally Posted by wren

Hi Rose,

I've had similar experiences collecting random things, yet on a smaller scale. I recently starting the process of removing clutter and keeping things tidy in general.

What has helped me is to realize that if I need something, the universe will provide it for me. This means I can get rid of the extra dishes I don't use, the clothes I don't wear, and the magazines I don't read. If I really end up needing extra dishes, more clothes, or the information in those magazine articles, I will end up finding them again in my world and they will be more suited to who I am now.

Also, I love the idea that someone else who really wants or needs these items will get them when I give them away to charity.

Hope this helps!

Thanks Rose for starting this thread and to those who chimed in.
After reading wren and ladee post it got me thinking about my intention, an how all the things that I have. Would not be going with me to my new location in the comtry. So this morning I started bagging up my wifes clothes who passed away a year ago. Along with my old clothes and shoes, I don't wear. And have them all in bags ready for when I call for Goodwill or some place. I tried a girls shelter but they only want new items? Thanks for the motivation, I should have done this long ago. The other thing that crossed my mind is. I don't want to leave all this stuff for my kids to have to search through when I die.
P.S I noticed as I found things I forgot that I still had there was a feeling wow cool. but know the feeling is. where do I put it so I can find it to use. Or will I ever use it. LOL three small steps forward two large steps back. LOL

[Propacat]

I've been known to have a fair bit of clutter. There are three reasons I keep things: sentiment, potential usefulness, and laziness.

Sentiment: I have a variety of things that may not be particularly useful that evoke memories for me. For instance a scrap of paper or a plastic trinket. If I got rid of these items I would lose easy access to these memories. I have relegated most of these items to boxes that I rarely look through. Though I occasionally go through them to see if there's anything I want to purge, or just for fun. I enjoy having old memories evoked when I do this.

Potential usefulness: If I think that some day something that I have no obvious use for might come in handy, I like to keep it. Though I do occasionally drop things off at goodwill just to get rid of them. At least someone else can potentially find a use for them.

Laziness: As the months and years go by, crap just starts accumulating. Eventually it bugs me enough that I go through a purge phase and spend a week or two going through everything and throw out things, put things in boxes, and generally clean and organize.

So, yeah. My two cents.

[LesCross]

Hi Rose of Cairo,

I don't think there is a simple answer - I think that if there was we'd all be doing it by now. As the other posts have suggested, it depends on so many other factors. In my own life I have found that I have started something with the best of intentions but only when I start to work it through do the other hidden subconscious motives, desires and fears come out.

I remember that my family used to throw a big New Year party. My dad had six sisters and a brother. They all came, together with their families, boyfriends, girlfriends and assorted hangers-on. Then my mother's lot turned up in the company of our neighbours! Roll back the carpet, crack open the bottles and let the fun begin - you get the idea.

So one New Year's day morning I came down to breakfast, stepping over bodies, handbags and a discarded wig and kilt (my Uncle Albert had been asked to do his party-piece again) and found my mother had started doing the washing up in the kitchen. My mother had always been a hoarder of things for the kitchen - pots, pans, knives, hammock fruit bowls. . . In fairness she hadn't asked for me to make the following comments but I asked with the best of intentions. . .

I said, "Mum, it was a pretty big party last night, wasn't it?". "Yes, it was a good 'un", she replied. "Do you think that we will ever fit more people in the house than that?". "No, there just wouldn't be the space". Then I moved in for the kill, "So any pots, plates and knives that are still in the cupboards will never be needed then, will they?".

What colour was left in her cheeks from the excesses of the night before drained away. She stammered and fluffed. I can remember her saying stuff about breakages and wedding presents and that I might need stuff when I left home (this being said a little more pointedly than was perhaps needed, I felt).

Needless to say, I did not have a lavish breakfast that morning prepared by my loving mother. I seem to remember a repast of nuts, slightly soggy crisps, sausages on sticks and some rather flat coke. . .


Les.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

I'm currently helping my mom to get organized and to transform her very full and messy house into a neat, clean, pleasant place...

We defined a goal together and are now working toward it.

It sounds like your goal and her goal are not a perfect match. How exactly is this goal articulated? "An organized, neat, clean, pleasant place" and "a place completely free of clutter" are two entirely different goals.

It's difficult for me to understand it. I try not to put any pressure on her, and simply to be lovingly present and let her time, but I admit that sometimes it really irritates me. I see it as my mission to get the clutter out of the house, which is what she explicitely asked for, and now she resists what herself asked me to do... We don't get much done this way. Nevertheless, it's emotionally very exhausting for me. I feel very, very tired when we're done with one small closet.

Perhaps it's time to adjust your mission, don't you think? Now that you see that her conscious desire and her unconscious commitment are conflicting, can you see that helping her to achieve one or the other is a wonderful way to keep yourself (and probably her, too!) frustrated? You put your foot on the accelerator, and she puts her foot on the brake, and then you get mad when you get nowhere. It's a comedy!

..How can I make her feel safe enough to gently bring her to get rid of her stuff without it being such a drama for both of us?

You can't make her feel anything, but you can generate something that might work better for yourself and for her -- like harmony, for instance.

[openyourize]

i say just let her keep the clutter. so what its just clutter. if it really bugs her enough she will get rid of it when shes ready. i personally feel more comfortable with clutter. a happy medium between tidy and an organized mess. super clean makes me feel too much pressure to be perfect at home.

[bellemeadows]

I'd do the following:

• Recognize that change is, by definition, different from what was done in the past. It takes some energy to begin any new habit, and stick with it long enough that it takes.
• Keep reminding her how much better she feels now that she has let some things go
• Reassure her that you know she will let go of everything that needs to go, when she is ready, and that you are willing to help her in any steps in that direction.
• If she begins to regret letting something go, ask her if she really needed it, or if she is just missing it? If she really needed something, try to help her with that need and support her in not feeling loss or lack over letting some things go. (Much of clutter accumulation is like pets who have been starved; when they have food they overeat. People with clutter at some time have felt like they didn't have what they needed, so now they hoard. . . .)
• Ask her, each day, if there is anything she'd like to let go of today?
• Remind her again, that the universe will take care of her, and the more she lets go of what she doesn't need, the more space opens for fun and joy
• Let her know that clutter saps energy; if she feels tired, and energyless, it may be because she has more than she needs, and it is sapping her energy
• Really let her know you love her. You love her whether she lets go of more stuff or if she becomes even more of a hoarder. Let the love be the foundation for whatever she decides to do, or doesn't decide to do.
• Don't be attached to whether she chooses to let things go or not; just support her in any step she takes in that direction.

I do agree, let her keep the clutter if she truly wants it. But she may feel like it is out of her control, and have that conflicted feeling about whether to clear out and clean up, vs hold onto, and not expend the energy. Your support may be the catalyst that enables her to make this change. That is a very loving thing to do and to be.

Blessings from Belle

[Holistic Star]

Hi Rose,

you might not have inspired your mum yet, but you've inspired me to start decluttering!

I've even started a blog about it - have a look at my pictures!

Declutter With Me


I've recommended a book called 'Clear your clutter with feng shui' by Karen Kingston. She talks about the emotional hold of clutter. I've found it very useful in understanding what makes you hold onto stuff. Her theory is that clutter is energetically very sticky and drags you down. It's invested with all sorts of emotions.

I hope to explore this more as I start clearing out.

[Calvan]

Originally Posted by LesCross

I said, "Mum, it was a pretty big party last night, wasn't it?". "Yes, it was a good 'un", she replied. "Do you think that we will ever fit more people in the house than that?". "No, there just wouldn't be the space". Then I moved in for the kill, "So any pots, plates and knives that are still in the cupboards will never be needed then, will they?".

Les.

HAHA! thanks. I laughed out loud and It felt good


Rose, I'm from a family of packrats. Just a heads up, next time your mom needs one of the things you convinced her to go ahead and get rid of... you'll be hearing all about it
Did she go through times in her life where she didn't have things she needed? Deprivation can cause hording. I assume since she is a hoarder whatever things you ever needed were close at hand as you were growing up. Maybe that's why you don't have or understand the feelings she has that make her hoard things. Just a thought...
Anyway here's some practical advice that has worked for most of my family members from time to time. Have a yard sale. Do this with the plan that you will keep all the money from the yard sale in a safe place or separate account that is ONLY TO BE USED TO REPLACE THE THINGS you sold at the garage sale. For me and my family this has greatly eased the anxiety of " But I might need this someday!"
Don't tell your mom this but I don't think any one of us has ever replaced anything we let go at a garage sale It all gets used for new and improved clutter. Good luck.

[jpaulk]

Dear Rose of Cairo,

I agree with MagicalRealist, your mom has to want to get rid of her clutter.

I was able to start getting rid of my clutter after I read about the effects of clutter on the vibration of my home. Once I was able to understand how quickly I could change my life by getting rid of clutter, it became a lot easier. After all, you can’t bring anything new into your life if there isn’t space for it!

I would also recommend starting very slowly. When clearing clutter, start small like one drawer or a closet. Here is what I recommend:

1. Set a timer. You won’t feel so overwhelmed if you set a time limit to clearing and organizing your clutter. Setting a time limit will also motivate you and keep you focused on the task at hand—clutter control!

2. Get 3 boxes. Label one for items you want to keep/relocate/file, one for items you will discard/donate/give away/sell, and one for items you are unsure about. Go through everything in the closet or drawer and place it in one of the boxes.

3. Organize. Have a plan of action on how and when you will deal with each of these boxes.

IF your mom is open and willing to change, she might find “Clear Your Clutter With Feng Shui” by Karen Kingston very helpful.

[Angela Leeds]

Yep, getting rid of clutter will change someone & their life... which is why some people are highly resistant to letting it go. And, IMO, shouldn't be forced to. If they're not ready & willing to generate change in their lives, being forced to relinquish clutter is downright violent for them.

I've done decluttering coaching over the years. My best advice: start with something small -- a drawer or a closet -- and completely empty it out. Clean it. Then put back only 1) Those things you love and 2) Those things you truly need. The rest goes.

Take a break to metabolize the change and then tackle another manageable space in the same way.

If you want to declutter an entire room, same thing: empty the whole thing out. Clean it. Move the furniture around more advantageously. And bring back into the space, with a fresh sense of order, only those things things one loves & needs.

Your mom may be only able to make baby steps. But if someone wants to truly radically change their life, if they methodically do this with their entire space and basically "move back into their own living space" with radically simplified belongings... it's like rocket fuel for change!

[James81]

Basically....

1. The first question you ask yourself: Have I used this in the past 12 to 18 months? If the answer is no, proceed to the next question. If yes, then set it aside somewhere.

2. The second question you ask yourself: Is this something that I have an emotional attachment to, consider a memory, or that my kids will someday want to see? If no, then proceed to step three. If yes, then set it aside somewhere.

3. If no to the above two questions, get rid of it. You can either take it to the dump, put it in the garbage, give it away to someone who needs/wants it, or sell it in a yard sale or on ebay or something.

For everything that you decide to KEEP, consolidate it as much as possible. Get yourself plenty of boxes so that you have plenty of options. Make sure you label and date the boxes with a magic marker, and when you go to store it, find a place that you don't frequent very much or go rent a small storage shed.

[ijpeatey]

Sounds like you need to go back to her original request asking you to help her de-clutter.

You want to help her de-clutter but it sounds as though she's got some barriers to letting stuff go which need to be addressed. The picture I have is that she's set you up! She knows she wants to get rid of stuff, can't face doing it herself so has asked you. She wants you to take the responsibility.

If she has any regrets, throws the wrong stuff out then she can blame you later. Sounds like a poisoned chalice to me!

I'd sit her down and tell her you want to help her but you're not willing to take responsibility for what she throws out. She needs to decide what to throw and what to keep. You're also not willing to waste your time doing this half-heartedly. So if she really is serious about it .. get her to set a target. How many things she wants to throw out? One item for every item kept? Everything that's not been used for the last 12 months? 24 months?

Get her to take responsibility. You'll regret it if you don't.

[ssandra]

Something that helps for me is the 1 for 2 rule.

I can keep 1 thing, but I have to choose for 2 things to go away. It doesn´t matter what, just if I want to keep this 1 thing, 2 other things have to go away.

This way I give value to stuff, and the things that I want most I keep, and the rest gets "sacrified" for me keeping the thing I really want.

That just feels better than trowing things away, which I cannot do.

It is a stupid mental trick, but hey, it works!

[CoolBee]

I spent 6 years decluttering. It wasn't easy. Baby step by baby step. I get horribly sentimentally attached to things. Of course its the memories of people and places attached to those things rather than the objects themselves in most cases.

Somethings I circled several times before I could get rid of them (by which I mean I would circle round my home each year, something I couldn't chuck out in Year 1 might take til Year 4 to be gone - decluttering 'muscles' gain in strength with use!)

(a) she has to want to do it - sounds like she's not in the throes of 'CHAOS' syndrome yet - often the big clue - (Cant Have Anyone Over Syndrome) - the point at which many of us reached total despair and started tackling our issues with earnest.

(b) its a long journey with many side steps and slipbacks

(c) there are games you can play - eg keep the total quantum of stuff in your home the same (if you buy a new thing an old thing has to go), or counting games - I did a 16 week declutter challenge at one point - every week I had to let go of 7 books, 7 'clothing or household linen' items, 140 pieces of paper and 7 'other' things. - or, if you have a big messy room you don't know where to start - every day just get rid of 5 things - even if its an old sweet wrapper or bit of tissue - don't judge its 'worthwhileness' just get rid.

(d) there are support groups out there - Fly Lady someone mentioned and spin-offs from that - I was active on something called 'PayRoll SHEs' (side-tracked home executives) during my most active 4 years of decluttering - focused more on the needs of those who worked for a living than FlyLady's core 'stay at home mum' audience. Many of us on that group were highly educated and had dreadful problems with BOOKS - from the kind of background where it was considered nigh-on sacriledge to get rid of a book.

(e) forget about Ebaying and yardsales - that will keep your stuff hanging around for infinity. Use Freecycle and charity shops (I think in the US if you are from there you can get some kind of tax rebate from your donated items) if you want stuff to go somewhere useful. Or if you are allowed, just put it out on the side of the road with a sign 'free help yourself'.

(f) take photos of sentimental stuff.

(g) read this - I always recommend it - its a PDF file "Mortuary rites for inanimate objects" - the Japanese have 'letting go' ceremonies for different objects that have given useful service but now need to be 'let go' eg needles, spectacles, transistors...

http://www.nanzan-u.ac.jp/SHUBUNKEN/...rs/pdf/585.pdf

Maybe your mum needs to devise some kind of 'letting go' ceremony all of her own.

(h) I notice her reaction at your suggestions regarding the table setting stuff - maybe she has always had a dream of herself presiding over big family occasions - maybe you could explore that with her in more detail.

Hope something here helps you or someone!

[cardinalduke]

I have a system of organization that I like. The idea is to clear enough surfaces to where there is little to no clutter and free up space. If you minimize the time it takes to clean and make it a super easy job, then there is no reason not to do it. If you fall behind, no big deal. It would still take about the same amount of time even if you let it go for a month. Here is my approach:

Living Room or Office

For any and all 'small' things:

I like to use the transparent storage containers that you can buy at a local walmart or target. They are portable and hold a ton of stuff. I get a couple that are about 4 feet high and two feet wide with big compartments only. I divide my little stuff into 8-10 of these little compartments, just like labels in gmail. Don't be afraid to throw seemingly unrelated things together. Remember, you are removing all your clutter. It will be in one place, visible, and super easy to find. Make however many labels you want. To clean up periodically, everything gets thrown in there. It takes about five minutes at most, no matter how big the mess and another 5 minutes to throw trash out. It is much like taking the concept of a gym bag or back pack but making it accessible and transparent.

The result is that you have surfaces completely free and there is no clutter anywhere. You have more space to move around, it is easy to clean, everything is within reach and easy to move (they are on rollers) and you have no doubt about where something is. That simple concept solves a lot of problems.

Kitchen

I keep a pretty minimal set of dishes, utensils and culinary ware and keep it in the dishwasher. If you only have a few basic things, it is pretty easy to separate what is clean from what isn't. I run it as often as needed. The only work I ever do is to clean out pots and skillets and throw them in a cabinet. Dishes don't accumulate in the drain and there isn't crap anywhere. I'd be surprised if it ever took me more than 5 minutes to clean the entire kitchen. No work is ever created.

Bathroom

Keeping your crap spread out all over everything makes it impossible to clean. When you go on a trip, most people put all their stuff in an overnight kit. I just extend that concept to the bathroom. What I use frequently goes in a little plastic container that is open, visible and shaped like a shoebox. Everything else can go in a transparent storage container in some other area of the house.

I experimented with many different ideas and the above is most of what I came up with. It takes very little to no effort, time, work, or thought to make it a reality. I have a really tough time seeing how many/most people have so much trouble in this area. I see families argue about this type of thing all the time. They create so much unnecessary work that there is no wonder they get behind and the house tends to be messy. Husbands and wives fight about who will do the dishes. My answer is nobody!