10 years after death & so much more..........

[kyndalm]

Today is the 10 year anniversary of my boyfriend’s brother’s death. He was murdered on the streets of Chicago when he was only 18. It was on my boyfriend’s 16th birthday. We were all from a small town about 5 hours south of Chicago, so murder was not something we dealt with… ever, really.
Two years later, when my boyfriend was 18, he lost his father to cancer.
He joined the Marine Corps (and went Infantry!) when he was 21 after several years of drinking, partying, and generally not caring about his life in any way. 1 ½ years into his time as a Marine a doctor found he has ulcerative colitis (his mom has Crohn’s) and he was honorably discharged and then medically retired from the military. He thought that was what he was going to do for the rest of his life and it crushed him.
We met right after he came home from the Marines and got together soon after. He has been living off his military pension and has had no job for over 2 years and is barley going to school. He doesn’t have any drive or motivation.
I graduated from a prominent state university last May and my life has been pretty easy; good parents and fairly steady finances growing up. I absolutely cannot put myself in his shoes because I have no idea what it’s like in any way. I have never really lost anyone close to me or failed at anything.
Right now, he has a vision of being a cop and I hope to God (or whoever is out there) that it sticks with him. He is having a really rough time because he doesn’t have the cleanest record.
We have been together for two and a half years now and living together for two.. we just moved into separate apartments two weeks ago; living together was too stressful, we fought all the time and he did treat me badly. However, we are still “together” just not living together.
At 6 am this morning, he called telling me he was pathetic and emotionally scarred and nothing in the world could change him now. He told me he used to be a nice guy and death should have made him stronger but it made him cold and put hate in his heart. He said he doesn’t even care if he loses me and he’s destined to be alone. His text messages said to me “I’m going to leave you one day and I really want you to know I’m pathetic and twisted” “I love you and know this” “I’m awful” “I’m demented right now and hysterically ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ in my world”
I told him back “I love you no matter what the hell you are and that wont change you are doing this to yourself and you need to get help and try to be better for YOUR family that you will someday have. Now it’s your time and don’t let your PAST take your FUTURE away”
I have no idea what to do, what to say. He is an emotional wreck. This is only the third time in 2 ½ years he has shown me raw emotion. Granted, he had a little to drink, but I know when he’s been drinking and he hadn’t been that much.
He has treated me poorly for the most part during our relationship; things have gotten better in the past 6 months when I finally convinced him he was being emotionally abusive and he went to seek help. He has been on meds since then and is better.
I don’t know whether or not to try and salvage this crazy relationship. I love him deeply but I cannot live like this for the rest of my life. I need him to get past it and know he can change and I have no idea where to turn to try to help him do that. Maybe I should just give up.
Any help is appreciated more than you know and thank you if you read this incredibly long post!

P.S. I have a 3 hour car ride with him tonight; just us alone.. I really want to talk to him but I don’t know how to talk about anything, really. It’s so close and sensitive to him.

[Bamboo Moon]

No, you can't live like this for the rest of your life, I agree.

It is hard when someone you love has had such a horrible life story. But in the end, his life is always and only his own to choose. I spent 10 years of my life in a terrible depression, fantasizing about how tomorrow was the day I was going to end it. During that decade, I met people who might have been part of my life had I not been so messed up. I also met people who like me had issues and stuck with me despite my failings. I am very grateful to those who saw the potential in me. . .

But in the end it was all up to me. I finally got sick of being in that place, it was either ♥♥♥♥♥ or get off the pot, you know? My life got better for good when I decided to take that first step, to decide I wasn't going to end my life, so I might as well improve it.

Only your heart can tell you to stay or to go. You might be able to help his improve his life. Or he might be stuck where he is for a very long time. What do you envision as your future?

[WordKeeper]

Kyndalm - I will keep this as short as possible. Basically your boyfriend has a choice. He can give in to his terrible, undeserved pain and losses OR he can CHOOSE to dig in and get beyond all the pain and create a real life for himself.

If he chooses to dig in and create something good for himself THEN you can consider if it is worth building a relationship with him. But you need to set a timelimit for yourself. Decide whether that will be 1 day, 2 weeks, 2 months or longer and set your boundaries.

The truth is that if he responds, you have done the best you can do for both of you. If he doesn't then you must sadly, and reluctantly move on. If he is not willing to do something about his life you CANNOT give in to that waste. you and your life are too precious to sacrifice.

There are people who have been through as difficult times and even more so than your boyfriend. If he is willing, he can find their stories and get inspired. Two, I can think of, off the top of my head are: Ilibageza's Left to Tell Left To Tell by Immaculée Ilibagiza with Steve Erwin | About Left To Tell and The Pact - the story by and about 3 inner city men who made a pact as youths to get to college and medical school and they did. The PACT - The Movie

There are so many, many more true stories about people who overcame extreme loss and pain and suffering. Your boyfriend is not alone and he needs to know that but he also needs to know that he can do something about it as these and many others have done.

He has to want to and he has to believe he can do it. And then if he commits himself he can use a lot of support. If he commits and works towards it then and only then I would encourage you to give it a go.

Good luck let us know how he receives it. It may not bowl him over at first but decide in your own mind how long you will give him to decide to change and then decide (without telling him) how long you will be there to help him along. Give yourself very clear goals and deadlines.

[kyndalm]

Thank you both for your kind words.
I told him last night about my post and his response was that he didn't need help from strangers... he can deal with it on his own... etc, etc.
He just shut himself up and refused to talk about it. That's really what I expected; talking about deep emotional issues is on his time and terms only.
I have decided to let it go and see where it takes me until the end of January. I want to try and begin the new year on a new foot; if he wants to come along for a wonderful year, he will.
And like you said, if not, I will go it alone.

Again, thank you so much!