Hurt, considering prostitution

[CroMagna]

Back in January, I asked an innocent question on an online forum. I wasn't sure if I was going to get a mean response, because this forum is known for having abrasive people. I got a sweet, touching response and began to respond to the responder all the time. First he thought I was a guy ("well, take care buddy" ) then I described to him my girlish features. I was tired of playing message tag so I gave him my number. We talked everyday, then twice a day, then three times a day. He would freak out if I didn't respond to his calls, and he would call my mother worried. He fell in love. He sent me a package with his childhood pictures, a bible he bound in leather by hand, and a painting he painted himself. I fell in love. We met and we were almost exactly like we described. We started seeing each other regularly. He was one of the coolest people I've ever met. He was the most attractive boyfriend I've ever had, with a cute face, black-framed glasses, dark attractive suits, and a bald head with a goattee and nice shiny shoes. This description really doesn't do him justice because sometimes he'd wear Black Sabbath T-Shirts with black cargo pants and black Doc Martens or something else that looked attractive. He had great taste in music. He was a lead guitarist for one of the greatest pock runk bands of all time, according to Guitar Magazine, in the edition that had Korn on the front cover. He is on Wikipedia.

We haven't spoken since we broke up, about 4 weeks ago. After I helped him tremendously to get settled here in DC, including spending money on him, he suddenly became very cold and distant. He said he has herpes. He said don't beat myself up over it, it's not me, it's him. He said I upset his mother when I called her worried sick about him, and that we should "chill," as in not speak to each other.

I am still hurt about how he changed so dramatically, from loving to hating. I have fallen in love before, but I have never loved someone and been hurt so much. Moreover, I am sick of being treated this way by people. I am a passive little ♥♥♥♥♥, so I might as well get paid to play the role.

I am sick of society. I hate mankind. I am seriously considering running away to Nevada and becoming a prostitute. I would live out in the middle of nowhere and I would just be a professional seducer. I'm tired of being pushed around and I'm tired of people. I'm tired of sexism and I'm tired of abuse. I really really think I was meant to go into prostitution. Really. I feel that society sees me as worthless. I feel that I would be much happier out there. I feel that I should just say f' it and go live out there.

[Elenny]

I don't know why these things happen (it has happened to me as well), but I don't think becoming a prostitute out of anger is the answer (because then you would just be an angry prostitute).

I think you should go through the grieving period (four weeks is not enough) and you will slowly come out of this.

One thing we know for sure is that he doesn't deserve you, and much less your tears. Move on girl, and refuse to continue being the victim.

[Pace]

I'm sorry to hear that you've been hurt so badly. ):

Why do you think you'd be happier out there?

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by Pace

I'm sorry to hear that you've been hurt so badly. ):

Why do you think you'd be happier out there?

I would finally be outside of society. (There are so many things about society I dislike and it shines through wherever I end up working or whatever I end up doing).

I would be geared up for abuse since I would be getting paid. So any nice, normal treatment, I would feel very grateful for, and any rude treatment, I wouldn't be surprised. I would see myself as a "♥♥♥♥♥". I would be the fantasy goddess that's in all the movies and cartoons.

I think that it's very seductive and empowering to women. I think women who look young and beautiful and especially charming can do well there. I like the idea of being counted among those incredibly beautiful women.

[Apollia]

I definitely don't see you as worthless. The "darkworker" stuff frankly scares me, but, you're clearly very intelligent and I enjoy your posts.

Over time, I've been increasingly astonished to find that I actually agree or at least sympathise with many of your perspectives. You're the first person I've encountered with much the same opinion I have on producing children - that bringing someone into the world is not necessarily a very nice thing to do to a person, given what an imperfect world we live in. I'll even confess, I too have thought about prostitution when I've been feeling really depressed.

I'm sorry your boyfriend has been acting so cold. I don't think it necessarily means he hates you - I think many people have a tendency to deal with strong emotions like pain, grief, loss, etc. by shutting down and withdrawing. I know this because I'm that way myself, sometimes.

Anyhow, I don't really consider myself much good at being comforting, etc., so, I apologize if this doesn't help.

I hope things get better for you soon.

Best wishes,
Apollia

[WordKeeper]

Going to Nevada to become a prostitute in one answer but not the only answer. Another response is to figure what if any unconscious aspect draws you to someone whose strengths are clearly apparent but whose cruelty and abandoning is hidden - until too late. Anything about this experience echo early childhood experiences?

I shut the world out after I went through some cruel experiences but that did nothing to help me. Only after I dug deep to find out the source of some of my greatest pain was I able to do something about it and slowly but without doubt there are people coming into my life now who are decent and caring. There are others who are not but now I can pick them out and really catch on to how and why I connected with unkind people in the past.

If it interests you I can tell you more about this.

I'm curious - did you have a clue that he would turn away? Was there any warning or did it happen suddenly, completely unexpected?

[MagicalRealist]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

He would freak out if I didn't respond to his calls, and he would call my mother worried. He fell in love. He sent me a package with his childhood pictures, a bible he bound in leather by hand, and a painting he painted himself. I fell in love. We met and we were almost exactly like we described. We started seeing each other regularly. He was one of the coolest people I've ever met. He was the most attractive boyfriend I've ever had, with a cute face, black-framed glasses, dark attractive suits, and a bald head with a goattee and nice shiny shoes. This description really doesn't do him justice because sometimes he'd wear Black Sabbath T-Shirts with black cargo pants and black Doc Martens or something else that looked attractive. He had great taste in music. He was a lead guitarist for one of the greatest pock runk bands of all time, according to Guitar Magazine, in the edition that had Korn on the front cover. He is on Wikipedia.

Forgive me for pointing this out, but I get almost no sense of what genuine personal qualities he had that you fell in love with. (And bombarding you with very personal gifts and going nuts and calling your mother whenever you didn't return his calls right away isn't romantic; it's manipulative, controlling, and selfish.)

However, I do get a very good sense of the externals--what he looked like and the clothes he wore and that he was "cool" and once had some measure of fame. And I think that's significant.

I'm tired of being pushed around and I'm tired of people. I'm tired of sexism and I'm tired of abuse.

Then trust me--prostitution is not the job for you.

I really really think I was meant to go into prostitution. Really. I feel that society sees me as worthless.

Society sees you as you see yourself. Stop seeing yourself as worthless, and society will follow suit.

[Rose of Cairo]

You are one fascinating young lady, CroMagna! I love how you always come up with new ideas.

From your post I get a feeling that you have no respect for the prostitution career. So why do you want to do it? You feel society sees you as worthless. This is just your belief. But even if it were the case: they see you as worthless, so you make yourself worthless in your own eyes? Do you always do what others tell you to do?? Sorry for being crude, but where are your balls?!

You say you're tired of being pushed around, tired of sexism and abuse. But isn't that exactly what prostitution is about: being pushed around, sexism and abuse? You hate something and want more of it? How little do you value yourself for doing such a thing to yourself?

Now you want to choose prostitution as a way of rebelling, getting "out" of society and gaining prestige (for being attractive). I feel it's somehow about power. But as a prostitute, you can't get out of society. You won't find clients in the middle of nowhere. You'll be one of the most vulnerable and dependent members of society. No power!

Basically, I think the prostitution thing makes no sense. It'd just be a way of giving up. Ask yourself this question: Do I want to win or to lose? What can I do right now to win?

I don't believe you hate mankind. I believe you hate yourself. If you want to be a Darkworker, you need to learn to love yourself. (And if you want to be happy too).

I recently got dumped in an ugly way too. ♥♥♥♥♥ happens. You can take it. You're a talented, intelligent, and wonderful woman. Now move your butt and live up to your potential. Not doing it is an insult to the Universe's intelligence.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

I feel that society sees me as worthless. I feel that I would be much happier out there. I feel that I should just say f' it and go live out there.

CroMagna,

From your various posts in these forums I've gathered that you are a bright, intelligent, young woman. To have you give into how you perceive 'society' sees you, is the biggest cop-out.

Are you selling out on yourself? Why would you let how anyone sees you dictate your actions? You are betraying yourself and your inherent intelligence.

What happened to Memphis and your good friend who is willing to help you?
Are you throwing in the towel?

It's very disappointing to hear you give up on yourself. No one said life is easy. It's up to you to figure it out.

[lifetimelearner]

I do not know you very well but I understand hurt-
give yourself time to heal

to me prostitution may seem empowering but my feelings are that eventually shame will set in

but then again I might be wrong

but I do wish you well

it's hard to get over your heart being ripped from your chest !

[Lauxa]

I don't have a problem with prostitution, but it sounds like you want to escape something or punish yourself. You can never really escape society, people are wherever you go and (if the spiritualists are accurate) they're always a mirror of yourself.

Some other options for you to see yourself as a powerfully sexy woman might be working in a strip club or seducing rich and powerful men or posing for nude photo shoots or working in porn.

Also -- as ZHereford mentioned -- what happened to Memphis?

[straysweeper]

Okay, you got hurt, so are you going to let it define you or are you going to define it? Don't become something your not. Learn from your mistakes, don't change everything about you. I've been manipulated and used. Only thing is, you decide who you are, not them. Never Ever Give Up! I will have my dream, and so should you. If he isn't there, love him, respect his choice, and go find out how great you can be. Someone out there is bound to be perfect for you, over 6 billion people on the planet. Besides, I'm single lol

[Plato]

If prostitution is what you want and you're as attractive as you say, you should marry a rich gullible man. Or a long series of them.

Or seduce a high level politician whose popularity depends on his image of family man -- and then sell the story and proof to the highest bidder.

Do both.

Starting tomorrow to ensure maximum hotness you're signing up for the nearest gym, if you've haven't already, and get yourself all perfect. And start making the right connections to get you access to high level people. That will be the tough bit.

Just planting seeds...

[catalyst]

CroMagna...

I don't know you other than your posts, but from what I've seen, you're incredibly intelligent and obviously have so much potential to do whatever it is you really want to do in life. Why would you settle for prostitution?

To be frank, it seems like you want to continue on with your story of yourself as a victim because of your past hurts. You say that society sees you as being worthless, but I think it is only really you who sees it that way - and your opinion is the one that truly matters.. Does seeing yourself as a victim help you rationalize being reckless and self-destructive?

Whatever is in your past - leave it there. It doesn't have to carry on into your future. There is a post I read on a blog on being a victim that was personally very helpful to me at a time when I really down on myself... Here is the link if you're interested.

Being A Victim « Getting Past Your Past

[ThoughtAddict]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

I feel that society sees me as worthless.

You're not worthless, you just haven't found your place yet...

You were contemplating a move to Memphis to stay with a friend who deeply cares about you. That friend doesn't think you're worthless.

You've received a number of people who compliment you on your intelligence. They do not think you are worthless.

Why do you think society views you as worthless? Society values your youth, your intelligence, your beauty, and your empathy. There are many people who will look to exploit, possess, or neutralize those, and they may act in ways that would be harmful or uncomfortable to you. You have the choice what role those people have in your life.

If you truly want to be a prostitute, you have my blessing. Be safe, find a respectable group that operates legally, and try to speak to some of their employees to be sure it is the job for you. But if you're looking to prostitution because of how other people have reacted toward you in the past, you're giving up control of your life. It is your choice how you respond to the challenges you face, and you will never be worthless in my eyes unless you stop trying to create your own life and let others define you.

[Pace]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

I would be geared up for abuse since I would be getting paid. So any nice, normal treatment, I would feel very grateful for, and any rude treatment, I wouldn't be surprised. I would see myself as a "♥♥♥♥♥". I would be the fantasy goddess that's in all the movies and cartoons.

I think that it's very seductive and empowering to women. I think women who look young and beautiful and especially charming can do well there. I like the idea of being counted among those incredibly beautiful women.

Wow, that's a completely different answer than I would have expected from your earlier comments. It sounded like you wanted to be a sex worker because you felt it was degrading, and you wanted to be degraded. But if it feels empowering to you, then go for it! The lifestyle you describe sounds pretty different from what my sex worker friends have described, though. You have talked to some folks in your desired profession before jumping into it, right? *concern*

Originally Posted by CroMagna

I would finally be outside of society. (There are so many things about society I dislike and it shines through wherever I end up working or whatever I end up doing).

I'm confused about this part. It would seem to me that you'd still be part of society because you'd be interacting with members of society every day, in particular the particular aspects of society you dislike. Wouldn't that make it worse instead of better? *confused*

[wachusettgirl]

Cromagna, I would never judge you about being a prostitute, nor am I advocating for it, but if you decide to go that route, do it because you want to, not because you think that you're worthless. Make damn certain that you have respectful clients that pay you extremely well and appreciate your true value (and use protection). Just like many others on this thread have said, you are an exquisite, intelligent and unique woman, these qualities allow you to have power over men. Don't ever sell yourself short, and don't let one guy, however cute he may be, take that away from you.

[m18pak]

CroMagna, I am going to be honest with you. I get the feeling that this is, fundamentally, about choice. To me the situation seems to be this: 1) You made a bad choice (to trust and love your ex-boyfriend) and you got hurt badly because of it.
2) You feel that this is the dominant pattern that has defined your life i.e. you keep making bad decisions and suffering because of them.
3) Now you're trying to give away your power of choice. To you, moving to Nevada to become a prostitute is the magic wand that will erase all problems from your life because then you won't have to make any more choices. You feel that whenever you make a choice you only end up creating a problem for yourself, so now you will let society choose for you and so you won't create any more problems. I'm not sure if I'm making sense so I'll try to say it another way: I think that you believe that by choosing to give in and putting yourself in this degrading position you will have already suffered the worst, and so by doing this you will have made a choice to not make any more choices.


There is also another element to this, namely your anger at your ex-boyfriend. It's a fact that most prostitutes are angry and bitter toward men, and that's why they're prostitutes. To prostitutes they're the ones screwing their johns over, not the other way around.
I'm not quite sure what I want to say, to be honest. I have this thought in the back of my mind that I can't quite grasp and that's why this post might seem a little haphazard.
Anyway, I think you have this distorted false image in your head that becoming a prostitute will give you power over men, and that's why it appeals to you. I would advise you to seriously reconsider the validity of this concept, because it simply isn't true.

I read some of your other threads, and frankly my impression is that you are a wounded soul. My impression was that you have been hurt by others and that's why you want power over others, so they won't be a threat to you anymore.

EDIT:I just remembered something else. There's actually a scientific term for what you're indulging in now. It's called magical thinking, and it's when you paint an idealized image of some unrealistic, exaggerated course of action as being the solution to all your problems. I can sympathize with you because I've done this too more times than I care to admit - in fact I'm still doing it a little right now.
I'm guessing that you feel a little trapped right now, like you have no options in life.

PS: Please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. I could be completely off here. This is just the impression I got from your post.

[viola]

Not knowing the whole 'story', doesn't make it easy to comment, but it seems to me that you are being tired of being tired (you mention it over and over again) - tired of being tired doesn't go away by jumping into something like prostitution. You are being taught a BIG lesson here and the message/answer is in your OWN words.

You are looking outside of yourself instead of inwards. How about if you spend some time JUST with yourself away from everything and everybody? Learn to love yourself and be happy JUST in your own company? Once you mastered that, you can still consider a 'change of job'.

[PeaceCat]

Hi

You said "After I helped him tremendously to get settled here in DC, including spending money on him, he suddenly became very cold and distant."

It seems to me that he used you to help get settled, perhaps he had genuine feelings for you to at some point, but from what you say he sounds like a manipulative, selfish, user.

It is normal when you are hurt like this to consider taking extreme action, even self destructive action - but I think that after a while you will still have some residual anger but it will be the kind of anger that gives you energy and motivation to do something positive like learn from this experience, move on, let it go and make some changes in your life.

This is a time to take inventory of your life, learn to protect yourself from manipulative and selfish people (having learned through experience how these people operate) and generally re-invent yourself as a stronger and happier version of you.

I don't think becoming a prostitute is a way to do that though, but it is common for women (and maybe men do it too) to have a drastic hair cut, throw out old clothes, possibly even change job, move house etc. after a hurtful break-up. This is just an outward manifestation of internal changes that take place, the desire to burn out the dead wood from one's life.

I wish you all the best, the best "revenge" is the kind where you pick yourself up, move on and forget the guy ever existed.

EDIT: on further thinking, there are other ways to feel like a strong, sexy, empowered women - just believing that you are a "strong, sexy, empowered woman" is one, but perhaps you could look into safer ways of exploring this desire.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

I am sick of society. I hate mankind. I am seriously considering running away to Nevada and becoming a prostitute.

Why? You want to have herpes too?

I think you should tell your ex-boyfriend, "Thank you for telling me. Now please stay away from me, because I don't want to be infected with a lifelong and incurable disease."

[marinik]

I suggest for personal experience that you should start by how you treat yourself. Start treating and seeing yourself as THE princes of your life. I am very serious! Stop running into the same story over and over again. Start a new one. You as the main character. An the character is good all the way, worthy, brave, wise, good looking, sexy, smart, interesting, funny.... you make your list and you take very good care of your main character! Try it before you lose yourself totally!

[Dev]

Sex spells fleeting satisfaction and trouble later, while chastity offers a better life and "more freedom."
Sexual pressure, sexual desire, actually is short period satisfaction and often, that leads to more complication.
Conjugal life causes too much ups and downs. Naturally as a human being ... some kind of desire for sex comes, but then you use human intelligence to make comprehension that those couples are always full of trouble. And in some cases there is suicide, murder.
Consolation in celibacy is that although "we miss something, but at the same time, compare whole life, it's better, more independence, more freedom."
Too much attachment towards your children, towards your partner is one of the obstacle or hindrance of peace of mind.

These are the views of Dalai Lama. Just give a thought to it before taking any decision.

[mercuryrising]

I think you are the type who says they are going to hurt themselves every week because it is the only way you think anyone will care.

Look, you can do whatever stupid **** you want to do to yourself. The only person who will be hurting is you. The only people you are going to attract with that behavior are psychic vampires. A man of real value won't even see you.

You can stop this downward spiral by (a) removing all drama and (b) establishing why you are valuable to you.

That is how this world works. You get what you give. If you want to get value, you have to give value.

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by Apollia

I definitely don't see you as worthless. The "darkworker" stuff frankly scares me, but, you're clearly very intelligent and I enjoy your posts.

Over time, I've been increasingly astonished to find that I actually agree or at least sympathise with many of your perspectives. You're the first person I've encountered with much the same opinion I have on producing children - that bringing someone into the world is not necessarily a very nice thing to do to a person, given what an imperfect world we live in. I'll even confess, I too have thought about prostitution when I've been feeling really depressed.

I'm sorry your boyfriend has been acting so cold. I don't think it necessarily means he hates you - I think many people have a tendency to deal with strong emotions like pain, grief, loss, etc. by shutting down and withdrawing. I know this because I'm that way myself, sometimes.

Anyhow, I don't really consider myself much good at being comforting, etc., so, I apologize if this doesn't help.

I hope things get better for you soon.

Best wishes,
Apollia

No, it helped a lot.

I guess he's going through a tough time and that's his way of dealing with it. It's just like "man he's definitely not the first so-called friend or boyfriend to do this, and man he probably won't be the last." I just don't know what to do about going through life being "bitched" around like this with no repercussions or justice.

Thank you.

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by WordKeeper

Going to Nevada to become a prostitute in one answer but not the only answer. Another response is to figure what if any unconscious aspect draws you to someone whose strengths are clearly apparent but whose cruelty and abandoning is hidden - until too late. Anything about this experience echo early childhood experiences?

I shut the world out after I went through some cruel experiences but that did nothing to help me. Only after I dug deep to find out the source of some of my greatest pain was I able to do something about it and slowly but without doubt there are people coming into my life now who are decent and caring. There are others who are not but now I can pick them out and really catch on to how and why I connected with unkind people in the past.

If it interests you I can tell you more about this.

I'm curious - did you have a clue that he would turn away? Was there any warning or did it happen suddenly, completely unexpected?

Yes it would interest me to hear more.

One minute he's in love with me, the next minute he said I was getting on his nerves. I thought we were spending too much time together and just needed space. Now it's been 3 or 4 weeks and I haven't heard anything from him, no phone calls, no internet messages, nothing.

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by MagicalRealist

Forgive me for pointing this out, but I get almost no sense of what genuine personal qualities he had that you fell in love with. (And bombarding you with very personal gifts and going nuts and calling your mother whenever you didn't return his calls right away isn't romantic; it's manipulative, controlling, and selfish.)

However, I do get a very good sense of the externals--what he looked like and the clothes he wore and that he was "cool" and once had some measure of fame. And I think that's significant.

Funny, I hadn't thought of that. Maybe I just thought he was extremely cool. Maybe I fell in lust with him rather than in love. Maybe I was being selfish too. Yay me! No but seriously, it's good to know that this guy was probably a loser from the very beginning and that it just became more and more apparent.

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Basically, I think the prostitution thing makes no sense. It'd just be a way of giving up. Ask yourself this question: Do I want to win or to lose? What can I do right now to win?

I don't believe you hate mankind. I believe you hate yourself. If you want to be a Darkworker, you need to learn to love yourself. (And if you want to be happy too).

You're right Rose. That's giving up. That's trying to leave the game of life early, which is in a sense losing. I'm here to win.

I do find people bothersome, and I do think I love myself, but I think I'm also mad at myself. I think I'm mad at myself for letting myself get used and being a punching bag.

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

CroMagna,

From your various posts in these forums I've gathered that you are a bright, intelligent, young woman. To have you give into how you perceive 'society' sees you, is the biggest cop-out.

Are you selling out on yourself? Why would you let how anyone sees you dictate your actions? You are betraying yourself and your inherent intelligence.

What happened to Memphis and your good friend who is willing to help you?
Are you throwing in the towel?

It's very disappointing to hear you give up on yourself. No one said life is easy. It's up to you to figure it out.

My good friend is here for Thanksgiving weekend. Hanging out with him and enjoying myself will be my way of winning.

I'm not going to give up. I'm glad to have this kind of encouragement.

[CroMagna]

Since everyone took the time to help me, I would like to respond each of you individually. Right now I can't, as I have bounced back and made plans. My friend from Memphis is up for Thanksgiving and we have made a date.

Everyone's words here mean a lot to me, they are very precious. I'm especially grateful that everyone was open-minded, respectful, and encouraging. That really says a lot about you guys.