Imploding

[phoenixxx]

So. I've got this depression and anxiety that I seriously just want to say **** off to. I've had it for ages at all varying degrees. It has gradually been getting better from 2006 onwards and I was really starting to (or at least I thought...) make some progress. By this I mean graduating from black hole/low awareness/negative depression to anxiety-depression but while holding good positive intentions and seeing them manifest.

NOW, the ****er has just beaten me down again....well, I mean, I have beaten myself down again or whatever.

I have closed off my feelings and don't make eye contact with people and hardly communicate at all. I am so angry at this. I think it happened because my 'best friend', the only person who has ever loved me for who I am and who has helped me express myself and love myself, has turned around and told me to **** off for putting my depression on her. It's a load of crap! She has been depressed for years and I have listened to her sort her problems out over and over again and have been patient and willing to help and give advice, sometimes harsh advice. And now, when I actually start having some trouble she turns her back on me!

Now I think, reflexively I have turned back to bottling it all up because the one person who genuinely wanted to listen to me has decided not to anymore.

There is so much more to this story but I don't think anyone wants to listen anymore....I'll just see....

[phoenixxx]

Also, just to clarify,

Around the 5th September to maybe the 12th I finally got out of my depression. Completely. I mean, my head was finally clear for the first time in my life. I finally took responsibility for all my feelings and emotions and relationship problems and took massively brave steps on my part to communicate better with those around me. It truly felt like I stepped out of myself...or out of the costume I had been in until then. I couldn't even relate to the 'old me'. I was looking at my life like 'What the hell have I been doing? How did I mess up this much? It's not even possible....'.

I don't know how to explain it now because I've totally slipped back into the 'old me'. Now I can hardly relate to the 'new me'. Confusion.......

But what was different is that I had integrity. I took responsibility. I had courage. I had compassion towards others. I noticed I needed to give value to others if I wanted it back. I was completely aware of my needs and yet could separate them from being needy of other people. Far out......I need to get back to that state. The only reason I fell back down is because I started thinking about my mum and how it was her fault I was like I am. I started to blame. But then I turned in around into fear and anger. Fear that she would pull me down again. That she somehow had power over me and was trying to suck away my success so that I could stay dependant on her forever.

Intellectually I know that this is completely my fault. I know I gave away my power and responsibility. I dug myself into this hole. It's just so hard to get out....or is it??
I feel like maybe that was my fear wanting to cling to my depression and dependancy and anxiety and problems because I didn't want to move forward.

MY stupid stupid beliefs. It's so much harder navigating this murky water and climbing out of it than it was to get stuck in it.

And another thing. When I was in that 'enlightened' (or...normal) state, I felt a deep deep shame for the way I effected others with my depression and anxiety etc and the way I treated them in accordance with my wrong beliefs.
But now I'm just back into justifying everything I do like it's their fault I'm like this etc (talking primarily about the people at work...I started work in april at a company with 15 people after coming from high school and it's been a struggle for me to build relationships with these people...my fault entirely!! theyre all nice open people!).

It's gotten to the point that it's now just unconscious justification so I can't even catch myself when I'm doing it and stop. It is so automatic and swift that I can't catch it.

I am so negative at the moment.....geeeez

Please someone slap me.

[Steve Pavlina]

What's your diet like?

To date I've never met a depressed raw foodist.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by phoenixxx

MY stupid stupid beliefs. It's so much harder navigating this murky water and climbing out of it than it was to get stuck in it.

Your beliefs aren't any stupider than anyone else's. You'll never find a belief that couldn't be called stupid for one reason or another; all beliefs are contradictory.

Let me give you some semi-practical advice. Find what you are proudest of, and give it up. I don't mean physically, I mean internally (although physically may help if it's possible). Whatever it is about yourself that you are proudest of is probably what is causing you the most misery, because that is what you will resist letting go of no matter how much it hurts. This pride will probably be in something that sounds good to begin with, but if you really analyze it closely you'll see that it is destructive to both you and those around you, and you'll begin to realize that it's just not worth fighting for. Then all you have to do is stop fighting on its behalf to be free of it.

[phoenixxx]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

What's your diet like?

To date I've never met a depressed raw foodist.

I started eating mostly raw foods around november last year when i started meditating and doing positive intentions.

This had been going really well for me. I felt clearer in the head. But it also brought to my attention a lot of anxiety etc. because I was finally looking at all the things in my life I am unhappy about.

Only recently since all this has happened, I have started turning back to cooked foods and starches and stuff. It's like a reflex. I think I'm trying to suppress something but I'm not sure which of the millions of feelings it is.

One thing, which I've mentioned in another post is confusion about my sexuality. But I don't think that could account for everything...I mean theres other stuff going on. But is it possible that this is the basis??? I don't know......

The issues with my mum (and dad) seem to affect me the most out of everything. I mean, I sucked myself back into depression just thinking about it. Maybe I'm thinking too much about it.... But it's so hard not to because I live with my mum and she's really emotionally manipulative and I've now grown a sensitivity to any sorts of emotional manipulation. Which accounts for at least some of the relationship problems.

But also I was thinking the sexuality could account for quite a lot. Not feeling secure with myself, constantly hiding something, etc etc.....

p.s. wow thanks for replying Steve! I really really admire you.

[phoenixxx]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Your beliefs aren't any stupider than anyone else's. You'll never find a belief that couldn't be called stupid for one reason or another; all beliefs are contradictory.

Let me give you some semi-practical advice. Find what you are proudest of, and give it up. I don't mean physically, I mean internally (although physically may help if it's possible). Whatever it is about yourself that you are proudest of is probably what is causing you the most misery, because that is what you will resist letting go of no matter how much it hurts. This pride will probably be in something that sounds good to begin with, but if you really analyze it closely you'll see that it is destructive to both you and those around you, and you'll begin to realize that it's just not worth fighting for. Then all you have to do is stop fighting on its behalf to be free of it.

Thats good advice thank you. I'm not sure what it is I'm proudest of.....you know what.....this could be strange and I'm not sure I fully accept it....but it could be that I'm proud of my depression. Like it's a battle scar or something. I have been feeding it quite a lot lately. That's why I was thinking maybe I thought about my issues with my mum because I didn't want to give them up. I don't know.....

But I also think I have a lot of pride because I think I'm better than other people. Like, I know I'm not.....and ugh......I've been through all this before I've SORTED out these issues!!! I've done this getting through the pride stage etc. Why am I back here???? All this pride started because I was so upset about how I am treated by people that I just turned it around and said well I don't need anyone I'm better than them etc.

Whatever it is that I'm holding on to....could this maybe be the last cling? Like, if I get through this stage could I be free of it forever?

[Ibsulon]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

What's your diet like?

To date I've never met a depressed raw foodist.

Mind you, I say this as someone who has lived with cyclical depression my entire life but will be attempting a raw food experiment next January. (I'm not quite disciplined enough to start this type of experiment with family gatherings looming.)

I would ask you how someone who has enough trouble getting through life would able to make the changes necessary to put that much effort into the preparation necessary to do a raw food diet?

(I'm trying to figure that piece out for myself.)

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by Ibsulon

Mind you, I say this as someone who has lived with cyclical depression my entire life but will be attempting a raw food experiment next January. (I'm not quite disciplined enough to start this type of experiment with family gatherings looming.)

I would ask you how someone who has enough trouble getting through life would able to make the changes necessary to put that much effort into the preparation necessary to do a raw food diet?

(I'm trying to figure that piece out for myself.)

You don't have to go raw overnight... or even ever. You just improve to the next logical step. Take it one step at a time.

A diet that's loaded with processed foods can wreak havoc on your endocrine system and exhaust your adrenals, leading to long-term depression. Fixing the diet is a key to recovery.

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by phoenixxx

I started eating mostly raw foods around november last year when i started meditating and doing positive intentions.

This had been going really well for me. I felt clearer in the head. But it also brought to my attention a lot of anxiety etc. because I was finally looking at all the things in my life I am unhappy about.

Only recently since all this has happened, I have started turning back to cooked foods and starches and stuff. It's like a reflex. I think I'm trying to suppress something but I'm not sure which of the millions of feelings it is.

One thing, which I've mentioned in another post is confusion about my sexuality. But I don't think that could account for everything...I mean theres other stuff going on. But is it possible that this is the basis??? I don't know......

The issues with my mum (and dad) seem to affect me the most out of everything. I mean, I sucked myself back into depression just thinking about it. Maybe I'm thinking too much about it.... But it's so hard not to because I live with my mum and she's really emotionally manipulative and I've now grown a sensitivity to any sorts of emotional manipulation. Which accounts for at least some of the relationship problems.

But also I was thinking the sexuality could account for quite a lot. Not feeling secure with myself, constantly hiding something, etc etc.....

p.s. wow thanks for replying Steve! I really really admire you.

You'd probably learn a lot by reading Angela Stokes' ebook Raw Emotions. You can get it from her website at www.rawreform.com. She goes into great depth about the emotional issues that come up as a result of shifting to a more pure diet.

[lifetimelearner]

I feel for you
I don't have any other advice to add
I just wanted to wish you luck !

[muzzy]

I think one major hurdle you may need to overcome is probably moving out of home and becoming independent. You cannot grow and resolve your past (ie childhood/adolescence) until you are removed from that situation. You will then be able to take some responsibility for yourself and your emotions and work through your perspective of your relationship with your parents from your point of view and eventually from their point of view (which may take a lifetime of experience and a degree of maturity). Friends can be a great support, but you need to get to know the inner you and learn to rely on the power within yourself. As regards to your confusion about your sexuality ... DON'T PANIC. Take your time in discovering yourself from within and gently coax out your true leanings.

[phoenixxx]

I'm not even sure if that is the problem though.....I don't know where to start now. It's like nothing is working. I don't have close relationships with my family. I hardly have friends anymore (most definately my fault for pushing peoplke away). I have never had an intimate relationship. I'm self-sabotaging at my job.....turning up late etc procrastinating (probably just to make myself more important). I have had 'muscle prolapse' or whatever its called from sitting and being depressed toolong. I'm really skinny but it's like all my muscles just....i dont know how to explain....'melt' or something....and it puts pressure on just my bones to hold me up so now ive got a bent spine. Ahhhh I'm just bloody complaining. What the hell is wrong with me. Is it the facft that I think something is wrong with me when nothing really is????

Also I have these little obsessions with celebritys etc...always girls...and I get insanely jealous of them...like stalk their pictures etc find out all about them even compare their astrology charts to mine......

And it might be the fact that they're actors......I always thought i wanted to be an actor. But I never went through with it because i thought i wasnt good enough. Also I didn't know whether I really wanted to act or if I just wanted to disappear into the movies and be those characters.....escapism as such.