Getting over loss - better contain feelings or let them flow?

[ShunterAlhena]

Hi all,

Currently by "loss" I mean losing a girlfriend. I recognize that there is much greater grief than a puny breakup after some months together, and eventually such larger grief will hit everybody (loss of loved ones, loss of job, injury etc.), so I want to be prepared and also wish to restore my current peace of mind.

My usual algorithm for handling the situation is first purging any physical or virtual objects that might remind me (already done), then consciously suppressing any memories that might come into my mind (like setting up a containment field or quarantine).
Alas, sometimes "conscious control" is weakened, or nonexistent - such when one is very tired, or sleeping. In these cases memories will come and haunt. Also, this method proved to be ineffective, it takes a very long time to "heal" this way - up to twice, thrice the length of the entire relationship, a very slow time constant.

However, I'm afraid of letting memories roam wild, because I theorize that if I allow that, these negative feelings ("here we kissed first... ah, no more" and its ilk) will "burn in" and never leave again.

Which is the correct model? Feelings as hot steam that must be suppressed and will eventually cool down on their own, or feelings as poison that must be released to heal?

(By the way, IMO the very best way to forget a girl is finding a new one. Alas, that is stochastic, and it's unpredictable when I'll find a new woman who can match the last - tomorrow or in half a year. And this "dog's hair" method isn't workable for every loss, anyway - some things you can never replace.)

Thanks for any insights you choose to provide.

Best regards,
SA

[garentee]

Feel it. feel it as hard as you have to because by surpressing you will feel it only much stronger the longer you let it grow inside.. plus it does not allow you to be there for the next one.... you may have years of surpressed memories that you have not dealt with. The memories and pain will be waiting for you around every corner...surpression only gives them strength.

[garentee]

[QUOTE=ShunterAlhena;263568]


Which is the correct model? Feelings as hot steam that must be suppressed and will eventually cool down on their own, or feelings as poison that must be released to heal?

those feelings can turn to poison and color your relationships in ways you cannot imagine... Put yourself in the shoes of your next partner and ask yourself if you would want them to have to deal with your poison.

[weskate]

hey...i'm dealing with same thing.
i 'lost' a guy almost 8 months now, and it still feels as though i saw him yesterday.
i've wrestled with the same issues as you.. [still am].

i CANNOT suppress memories or thoughts... just not made that way.
besides i prefer to face up to my emotions rather than pretend they don't exist. to force yourself to 'not think' is counterproductive isn't it?
i mean, you're focusing on NOT focusing, right?


in the past, the only way i've gotten beyond someone was to get 'sick and tired' of listening to myself!! at some point i'd come to the awareness that 'hey! i'm boring myself!!

[funchy]

Time really does heal all wounds. You might have to let your mind say "here is where we first met" and work through that sadness before you can let go of that memory. Sometimes a few good cries is what you really need to clear the emotions and start to heal. Bottling things up does not make them go away.

Losing someone you really love can be as deep as grieving over the death of someone you know. In some ways it's harder because with a death, it had nothing to do with you. With a breakup, it raises all sorts of questions why it didn't work, what I could've done differently, or why things happened.

[tonytiger78]

For me, my solution for my second breakup was quite simply live it to the max and let the emotions go out as soon as possible, else you can be living it again and again, eventually time helped me and I no longer felt anything.

By the way start going out with some friends (preferably not friends you had in common) so you can smile a little bit and feel relieved somehow, this helps start making endorphins that will eventually make you feel better. =) Just my 0.02

[Calvan]

Try both ways. Dedicate a day or two to wallowing in it. Not just letting yourself feel sad but really concentrating on that feeling and blocking out everything else except that feeling. Dont THINK about the sadness, empty your mind of conscience thoughts and FEEL the sadness. Feel it as long and strong as you can. Then the next day or two don't try anything just let yourself be and feel and think and take note of your general mood.
Then go back to your ignoring and conscience blocking of the thoughts for a day or two. Try extra hard and be willfull in banishing of the thoughts. Again use the next day or so to just be and gauge your general mood.
You may indeed find one way is better for you. you may decide you need both ways or you may naturally fall into a compromise of both approaches.

Good luck. Many of us here are dealing with similar or same circumstances so you're not alone.

[stealth87]

You have to honor the grieving process. Allow yourself to feel and think whatever arises in your mind and body. Suppressing or resisting will only aggravate the problem.

Sure, it will be uncomfortable. You might have sleepless nights and moments where a sudden surge of emotion just will take hold of you. But, it is part of living. Chasing only "good" feelings or "highs" is like an addiction. Living like that is not sustainable.

There is a reason why that relationship is no longer in hold. I am going through it as well, and even though it is not comfortable or pleasant, I allow myself to feel and think whatever arises. You will find that the thoughts will subside on their own, and also there might be times where a lot of bottled emotions from the past will resurface.

It is better to face this now, than to continue carrying baggage for later. You have a great opportunity in your hand to raise your consciousness. Make the most of it.

By the way, as part of the grieving process I would suggest not to date or see any other girl, as you are clearly not over your ex. This band-aid or quick fix solution will bring nothing but more pain into your life and the other person. It is like trying to cure cancer with painkillers.

Keep your distance from your ex, and follow the grieving process. Best of wishes.

Diego