The story of my life

[XRV]

Don't worry lol, I'm not writing an autobiography. I need some advice on how to handle some problems, problems that I have spent a lifetime trying to beat. This is a very long post, so feel free to just stop reading now. Before I continue, I would like to say that I'm not a throwing a pity party, I have gotten years of that from myself alone.

The problem is basically my mental ability. I don't have any particular deficiency except for being generally very stupid.
I wasn't even aware of the fact that I was on a lower level of intelligence when I was young, and only started realizing my mental deficiencies after I turned 15. I remember how happy I was when I wasn't aware of my stupidity. For the next two or three years I was blissfully ignorant of that fact, and got on with my life. Naturally I was ridiculed to the fullest during high school. It didn't bother me then, and it still doesn't. I had one best friend, who wasn't from my school. And he was strong, popular and very clever, my polar opposite. I know that the only reason why he was my friend was because we knew each other since we were 4 years old. And that was the only friend I had, until I went away to another country for college.

I couldn't make any friends in college either. I did manage to find a few friends later on, well my roommate's friends, and then befriended someone who I fell in love with. She thought that I was an interesting and fun dude, and we got to know each other better over the course of half a year. But again, it was my damn stupidity that hung between us like a brick wall. She knew I was stupid and therefore obviously not 'boyfriend material'.

The reason I wrote all that is to point out, that in 21 years of my life there was only two people that I could could care and love freely as a friend. Then I started to become a bitter person. My ego knew no bounds and I started resorting to petty narcissism as a means to overcome my insecurities. It became almost a survival mode, but it hardly solved anything. Throughout my life, I have been labeled stupid, because I am stupid. I am under no delusion that I am not in fact stupid.
I am alright once you get to know me at first, but then after a few weeks or so, when the others really discover what my true nature, then that's the end of it. It's not that I'm socially incapable but just generally..you know it ^^^.

I have tried to power my way through life and am now one year short of a college degree. I have trouble accepting my lack of intelligence. It hangs above my head like a constant reminder ready to pounce on a single mistake. Like a sealed fate. I know that there are many people worse off than me, people that are deaf, dumb or blind or have other problems. I have big big dreams that I would be ready to take a flying leap for, but my stupidity and my acute awareness of it is sucking my life away bit by bit.

I know how vital it is to my happiness and prosperity to be able to deal with people effectively, to have a decent social life. I keep swearing to myself day in day out that I will reach the heights of success as a half-wit if need be. But this burden keeps on getting heavier and heavier. I am not looking for any affirmations, to be honest, I just want to know what you guys think of my condition. In this thread I have written my heart and soul and more honesty than I have ever revealed.

[striving4peace]

Umm... maybe I'm missing something here, you don't seem stupid? And not saying that to cheer u up or give you some sort of validation - I'm more curious than anything as to why you'd think you're stupid. For starters your english - spellings, grammar, vocabulary is perfect. Your ability to think abstractly seems fine. You're able to assess a situation you're in and introspect. You have goals, wishes, dreams, objectives that you're working hard to achieve by trying to be social, finishing college and well - trying personal development.

That aside, what is it that says you're stupid? Your grades? Your IQ? Your ability to make decisions? Other people? Your social image? An inferiority complex? Who is it you need to validate your intelligence to and how?

Stupid is just a label. An excuse to put yourself down.

Here's a better idea: Tell us what you're good at.

[XRV]

Thanks for taking the time to read all that. I was a little hesitant in posting specific examples at first.

I really have no problems in dealing with people at all. I would say I am a pretty funny and interesting person. Its definitely not my grades,all the tutors think that I'm a bright student. Its kind of hard to classify a broad trait. Its more like this, little glitches here and there.

For example, I blurted out something I'm not supposed to. A few times, I didn't get the most obvious thing, a joke or a hint of sorts. I was there and my mind was there too. Its kind of like your brain totally failing you at that moment only to realize the thing a few seconds later. I wouldn't really worry about little mistakes here and there, but some people have pointed out that I am stupid. I don't think this is an imaginary illness as my own friends have called me stupid directly or indirectly. Usually these are the ones I kind of look up to and admire openly, that hand it to me. Maybe its a means of maintaining the upper hand in the relationship by discovering and exploiting this weakness of mine.

[Ecce Homo]

Hey XRV, what’s up?

Well I gotta go with Striving4Peace on this one. Your OP makes me suspect that you are the exact opposite of stupid. Heck, your grammar is WAY better than mine! You sound smart and intelligent. Your follow up post only seemed to confirm my suspicion. Both posts also make me wonder. Are you stupid? Really? You sound so certain of it. How often have you examined the possibility that you might in fact be smart? I'm not trying to make you feel better either (as if that were possible). I honestly want to know the process of reasoning you used to arrive at this apparently firm "factoid".

[striving4peace]

Lets make this simple: Based on what you've said you're not stupid. Its a limiting belief, an insecurity, a inferiority complex, call it what you will.

You need to change your perception.

Let people think what they may. What matters is what you believe about yourself. Try reading Eckhart Tolle, Byron, Zen buddhism, or other sources of wisdom / therapy. One of buddha's quotes on Zen I found this week that resonated with this advice I'm giving you and trying to live myself is:
"Do not look for the truth. Only cease to cherish opinions".

I just found out about Byron Katie's "the work". She asks 4 questions that shoud be applied to anything that gives pain:

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3. How do you react when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?

And then consider the opposite of what this thought is - and see if you can find enough to justify it to be your belief and the ultimately the truth - if not a self prophesising one.

You may be different. But you're not inferior. I write something that another member of this forum - Cristal lily - wrote on a thread where I was looking for help, that I try and remember at the most difficult of times:

...and most of all, don't give anyone the power to disapprove you or not. not your friends, not your culture, not your parents, not women, not me, not anyone. you are you, beautiful and perfect human being, and deserving to be confident no matter what

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by XRV

For example, I blurted out something I'm not supposed to. A few times, I didn't get the most obvious thing, a joke or a hint of sorts. I was there and my mind was there too. Its kind of like your brain totally failing you at that moment only to realize the thing a few seconds later. I wouldn't really worry about little mistakes here and there, but some people have pointed out that I am stupid.

Are you calling me stupid?? Because all this has happened to me too..

And I know for sure that I am not stupid, that in fact, I am capable of doing anything that I want to do.

People say stupid things. Why? Who knows. To put you down, maybe as a joke that you didn't take that way, maybe they are stupid?

Reality is:
You get good grades at school
You have friends (everybody makes friends from friends, since almost everybody's friend is already somebody's friend and you will have to be introduced by them somehow... (and if you understand this sentence than you are for sure not stupid!))
You are capable of being social and being in a social situation
Success is for the people who work hard, not for the smart.

Look at what you are good at, and you when you focus on that, you will see more and more evidence in your daily life that those things are in fact true.

Enjoy your life!!

[Parthon]

From what you've shared, that would make me very stupid, and people call me smart, in fact, I have at least a 130 IQ. My mind constantly trips me up, makes mistakes and freezes in midsentence. It happens to everyone.

Why do they call you stupid though? Is it in jest, or because you did something stupid? If you think they are superior to you, are they just trying to put you down to keep you down?

I think it says more about the person saying it that the person hearing it. You may do stupid things, but you aren't stupid.

[XRV]

First of all, I would like to sincerely thank all of you. I have thought about what you all have written. The bigger problem is more internal than external. It simply kills me when I do something stupid.

For example, I raised my hand recently to ask the teacher a question only to space out for three seconds before I could speak out. Normally, I'm the one that whips the teachers with questions irrespective of what others think, and I have never ever spaced out before in any time or place. Nobody really said anything, but naturally it was a little funny, and a few chuckled. And that was enough to render me inactive for a few days. Why because I've never seen anyone space out in public speaking and I did it. I have given public speeches before too, and did it without a shadow of fear. But once I made that mistake, my ego destruction mode begins. I tried to counter the negative thought with, "I only spaced out because I couldn't find the best way to ask the question. That's got to be it."


I am bold and confident, and I have never ceased to say what needs to be said. I don't suck up to others to gain power and social status. I am outgoing when I'm not beating myself up over this thing. This thing is like a giant spiderweb that I can't get out of no matter how hard I try. The surprising thing is that someone with a considerable ego can be so demoralizing to his own ego.

External factors (silly unimportant mistakes) convert to ( You are ****ed for life, just kill yourself) in my head. The real reason that I don't have friends now is that I have this deep fear that they will discover my stupidity/self thrashing. And that automatically prevents me from getting too close to them. Sometimes I think that this mental thrashing would make me smarter,so I don't make similar mistakes. So I am more cautious, so I think more and act more. I don't think I'll be happy unless I have actually become really really clever. I don't think of my self as a perfectionist when it comes to one's own attributes, but I think that if I have can overcome this, I can literally do ANYTHING.

[Christian223]

Do you remember the first time you felt this way?. Did someone close to you called you stupid when you where very young?, or even if they didnt tell you still made you feel that way?. If you get to remember the times when you started to feel and think this way then it will be easier to get rid of this attitude of yours if you use EFT, it is a technique to get over negative feelings likes yours, i used it personally on a different number of issues and it has helped me a lot, try a couple of rounds of it and see if you feel better, but to get deeper changes you would need to seek for a practicioner or do more rounds of EFT, try it and good luck Tapping.com - Free EFT Videos - Emotional Freedom Technique

[striving4peace]

Hmm. And I thought I was hard on myself.

I have one word for you: CHILL

Stop being hard on yourself. Easier said than done? Yup.

But true internal peace and overcoming this will not be gotten by any magic bullet. Practice not letting your self-deprecating thoughts paralyze and destroy you.

Something that Jillian michaels said about willpower over eating habits, I will ask you to apply here in controlling your thought-habits:

""Losing weight is not about willpower--it's about moments of bravado, like the moment when you ask your waiter to take the bread away from the table right away.""

Having many of those moments where u tell that negative voice in your head that tells you that you are stupid -to do nothing less than STFU - will put you on track. Good luck

[bluemoon]

It seems to me like "stupid" has become a reflex for you, almost a safety net that keeps you from having to develop yourself. As long as you call yourself stupid, you don't have to take risks or push yourself. After all, if you've already decided you don't have potential, why bother trying to reach anything?

Objectively, and without knowing you, you sure don't seem "stupid" to me. I'm a spelling and grammar freak, for example, and you are awesome at that As for the freezing up thing, it really does happen to everyone. I've given great answers in a class of over 100, and frozen up when telling a story to friends. Brain farts are not stupidity.

But I also think it doesn't matter what I tell you, because you've so thoroughly convinced yourself. So try something... for 24 hours, you aren't allowed to use the word "stupid". Whenever you call yourself that, even in a tiny voice in your head, you have to replace it with something nice (or at least neutral). So, for example, when you say "I'm so stupid", immediately say to yourself "No I'm not, I'm so awesome/cute/right-handed". Just give it a shot and see what happens

[fellowtraveler]

XRV: for starters, you know you're not stupid. In fact you're smart and you know it. The way you describe yourself, you're much better off than many people, including myself. For example, I've avoided public speaking all my life (and I'm far, far older than you) and cut myself out of a lot of good things as a result; but you had no problem with it until that one little glitch. It seems as though you are looking for excuses for not performing up to your own standards.

Smart people sometimes do "stupid" things, is all. If you really did have people tell you you're stupid, you should have told them to bugger off.

You know it's all in the perception. I urge you to get this taken care of now, to instill yourself with positive emotions and thoughts, to let that become a lifelong habit. Do it right now, today. Don't let yourself become a miserable creature like me, with too little time left in life to do it over. Good luck to you, son.

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by XRV

For example, I blurted out something I'm not supposed to. A few times, I didn't get the most obvious thing, a joke or a hint of sorts. I was there and my mind was there too. Its kind of like your brain totally failing you at that moment only to realize the thing a few seconds later.

Like fellowtraveler pointed out, sometimes smart people do "stupid" things. And having a momentary mental black-out, happens to everybody. And it doesn't make you stupid, just shows you're human. You're not a machine after all, performing up to par all the time, glitches of whatever kind are part of the deal. Best thing is to laugh about them, there's no sense in beating yourself up over not being perfect.

[Parthon]

Heh, you guys sharing have brought up some interesting examples.

I've stood up in front of over 200 people at once and shared something powerful that made a difference to many of those people, and yet just this weekend, after working for 7 days straight, just in front of my friends I couldn't think. I just kept forgetting entire words and had to resort to words like "thingy" or "whatsisname". My brain was running like treacle.

I guess it comes down to:
"You can impress all the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't impress all of the people all of the time."

Forgive yourself, stop beating yourself up, and remember the difference between self development and self destruction through high expectations.

Also: I'm a "genius" but I can't play the piano, speak another language, rock climb, draw, sing, drive(seriously!), waltz or many other things. I can however ice skate, dance, program computer games, do calculus and advanced physics in my head, skateboard, play soduko and many other things. It all subjective and depends on how you relate to it. Depending on which list I'm either a failure or a success.

[ar81]

A stupid person could not write what you wrote.
It contains a fine sense of analysis, good spelling and nice construction of sentences.
I think they cheated you all your life, making you to believe you were something you are not. You are not stupid.

As for "intelligence" not even specialists on artificial intelligence (which should be called "simulation/emulation of intelligent behavior") know what intelligence is.

Advanced psychological studies in the old Soviet Union, where modern behavioral psychology was born, acknowledges that the internal way of human intelligence and emotions still pose a mystery.

In USA and UK research shows nothing different. So psychology has been about studying interactions of humans with environments, instead of understandting the true being, true self of humans.

Even an a person with Dawn syndrome could get a good grade in an IQ test if he is trained enough with that test. So the so called "scientific tools" of psychology are not that scientific, for they measure something that is not yet defined, a clear contradiction in the application of scientific method.

Lack of self esteem can condemn us to fail in things we are perfectly capable of doing. Your problem is not intelligence/stupidity, but a low selfesteem that does not let your true self to go out.

If you do not love what you do, you will certainly fail. That's not a matter of intelligence.