Really need someone's help getting myself out of horrible circumstances

[anamoly]

Hi all,

I write to you high as a kite on opioid s. I have been abusing opioid s such as oxycodone and Kratom for the past few months and have grown heavily dependent upon them. I have a history of drug problems for the past 4 years, with intermittent fields of sobriety not lasting more than 6 months. When I am sober, confident and courageous - I love it. I love it way more than this fake feeling of confidence and euphoria that I feel now.

I am 19 years old, currently in college - blindly drifting toward something that is definitely not fit for me in my current state of my mind. When I am not on these drugs, I am depressed and anxious and can't deal with the world. Even when I am on these drugs, I'd rather stay at home and play around on the computer all night (feeling way too wonderful for my own good) because the friends I have made here are non-drug users and I do not feel like I can share my addiction with them. Thus, for the past two months I have been avoiding everyone and making excuses to hang out like the plague.

Only 6 months ago, I was sober, committed to not abusing drugs again, with a girlfriend, living in the moment, exercising daily. A month later I broke up with my girlfriend to further my development, became a vegetarian for over a month. Over the summer, I stayed mostly sober but I had a few relapses. These relapses taught me that I cannot go from zero to hero in a day. It's impossible for me to upkeep the level of energy it takes for me to be my ideal self at my current point in time. I need to develop responsible habits, one 30-day challenge at a time and not push myself so far to the radical limit that I'll crack, easily become frustrated and shatter all my confidence.

I need to control my emotions, eat healthy, exercise daily. I want to go move somewhere and do this, far away from home. My parents are extremely loving, to the point where I feel it is unhealthy. You read this correct. My mom, especially, she feels so overbearing, overprotective, controlling over every circumstance of my life. I told her before I started this semester in college "Mom, I need to take academic leave to develop positive habits or I am afraid I will start using." She completely flipped out at the idea of me taking a break from college and she told me her point of view, which was that I will start using if I'm not in college surrounded by peers. If I take academic leave, she was practically attacking me telling me I will do nothing except sit around alone and not accomplish anything I set out to.

Well, as untrue as her point of view was - perhaps she was right - I did feel ready for college at the time. Only a few weeks later, I broke down. I can't tell her because she goes absolutely insane and feels like she needs to save me in whatever way SHE thinks is right. This is not about blaming my parents, although it sounds like I am. This is about me not having the courage or responsibility to take things into my own hands. I know this is what I must do to grow up. I honestly can't see a better alternative than leaving college for a year, moving to a nice place and starting my own life there until I feel I have the strength to attend to my goal, which is to attend Oxford School of 21st Century Challenges. To tackle the toughest challenges facing the 21st century, but for now - I am contributing to a lot of the pain and suffering in the world. Right now, my toughest challenge is tackling myself and before I can go anywhere near helping others in the way that my heart wants to, I have to help myself.

However, I am deathly afraid of telling my mom I have been using drugs. She will want to treat me in her own way. She is such a nice lady. She cooks dinner very well, and I feel that perhaps she is under appreciated by my dad, even me. She tries so hard so that people like her. She really tries her best to help people out. However, she's in the habit of blaming others a lot...so underneath her wonderful heart, there is a dark side that comes out every once in a while - just like there is in every human beings.

Honestly, I know perhaps my plan is no good, but at least it's a plan. There is no use in continuing to go to classes everyday when my health is suffering. My mental and physical health worsen by the day and I need to take responsibility for that first.

Here would be my tentative dream-plan:

1) Move to somewhere beautiful and nice to start ingraining wonderful habits.

Do you guys have any recommendations on where to move? I have around 80K saved up from an online business I run and the corporation makes around 3-6k per year before taxes (somewhere around 3000 after). Thing is my mom is involved in it. She meets with the accountant and does taxes. She's great, but I honestly do not want her involved because this is my life. I've told her this many times but she gets very upset, she has some very real attachment to the corporation and me. If it comes down to where she won't budge, I don't mind letting her take the savings. She has taken care of me for so long that she deserves every penny and I only wish I could return the favor and be her caretaker, but first I must be my own.

Since the company still makes income flow, even if she takes it all - I can save from the beginning and unless online advertising market collapses, I will still have 5-10K yearly before taxes and should have a nice savings back in no time.

The habits that I want to ingrain are based on these priorities:

1) Health
2) Relationships
3) Academic Work

1) Meditation daily, perhaps Yoga or Martial Art such as Aikido (perhaps start off with Yoga first).
2) Eating a healthy vegetarian diet
3) Running 3 times a week
4) Studying at least for half hour a day on academics (to start with, I want to take Steve's advice and increase this as I get more capable). Take free online courses offered by MIT and teach myself Calculus.
5) Train my memory
6) Weightlifting
7) Keeping my house clean, grocery shopping for myself, cooking for myself while maintaining a daily regiment of work.

I don't feel like my plan is so crazy, but I know my mom will react in a negative way. She wouldn't want me to move away so far, but I don't feel like I can develop these habits unless I live by myself or at least with someone that is not in my family.

I'm so sorry for the drug-rant. Off-drugs I would be thinking these thoughts and for the past god knows how long I have wanted to do this, but I never have the courage. When I was sober and not using, every time I brought this up it would create such a huge emotional scandal that it's really difficult for me to deal with.

Has anyone been through something like this? Thanks for any help, advice and love in advance.

[WordKeeper]

Of course you know that you need help beyond that which you can find in a forum. The opiates are so highly addictive - you are not dealing with a matter of will. You are dealing with a physical addiction and truly need help from experts on this.

You write: "When I am not on these drugs, I am depressed and anxious and can't deal with the world." Part of that depression is due to the opiates themselves.

You are in school. Surely there is an addiction program there. Have you checked it out? Worrying about losing your friends has to be the last worry. Getting off the opiates has to be the first.

The biggest red flag to me is what you write about your mother. I am a mother and I have been a child. Your mother does important nurturing things but she is going beyond and smothering you. You write that you do not blame your parents but as a human I am here to tell you that the over-control is not nurturing. True nurturing is supporting you in your needs. YOU are doing an excellent job of articulating your needs and you recognize that she will oppose you as you try to follow your heart in resolving this addiction issue.

I am very impressed by your clarity of thought. I believe that you will find a good path to solve your problem. Look right where you are for informed, professional, confidential help. When you are sober you will need help addressing the confusion between nurturing and smothering parenting.

Set your heart to finding the help with your addiction right where you are. It will give you the cover you need without alarming your mother. That will be significant to your recovery.

[funchy]

You need more help than an Internet forum can offer. Opiates are EXTREMELY addictive. The very nature of addiction is to trick you into thinking you're "not addicted" or deny it's a big problem.

Do you have health insurance? Call their 800 number and see what options exist for you.

I'd start calling around my health department to see who offers substance abuse, either through the government, nonprofit, or regular rehab. You may need advice on how to wean yourself off the drug or on handling the withdrawal symptoms.

Moving will not change your addiction. In my opinion, eating better & meditating won't remove the addiction. Addictive drugs mess with the brain's chemistry.

I had a family member who is a recovered alcoholic, and I understand how hard it is for a person to give up a strong addiction.

The first step is admitting you have a problem, and it's great you've begin your road to recovery. I wish you the best of luck.

[anamoly]

Well, yeah - I have a problem but I've been through it before and as dreadful as opiate withdrawal is, it's not deadly which does make me feel like I can deal with on your own. Most addicts stop through their own will, without any help. I don't deny at the moment I have a problem with opioid drugs. Nonetheless, that doesn't mean I am powerless to stop. You say moving won't solve the problem - well why wouldn't taking complete responsibility for myself solve the problem?

That's not to say I want to deny all the professional help I can get. In fact, I'm open to all sorts of treatment - it's just hellish to be going through withdrawal, being in school and feeling like I'm squandering away my college opportunity by sitting here and doing these drugs. I know I can make a better career of myself in college once I grow up a little and work on myself a bit first. But yeah, I'll look into perhaps talking with a counselor here on campus. Thanks for all the advice.

[anamoly]

Okay, so I saw a counselor. Didn't help at all, they were super concerned with opioid withdrawal and wanted to have the police escort me to the E.R. because they were concerned that they'd be liable if something happened to me after I came to them.

Luckily, I was able to talk them out of it. After all, opioid withdrawal is not deadly and at worst is just very uncomfortable. So I told my parents and am spending the weekend with them. Once again, my mom is just saying the same crap "So yeah, blah blah you're doing bad things to yourself." Well gee, thanks - I know this. Once again, she wants to handle it her own way.

Sigh.

[NightSpirit]

I have never been addicted to drugs but I have seen it in my daughter. There is a lot in what you say and in your attitude that makes me think you will be okay. Have you heard of the step down withdrawal schedule for oxycodone? If you can do it cold turkey, great, but if not maybe that will work for you. I think it's 10 per cent less every 3 or 4 days. Some medical doctors will help you with it by giving you prescriptions for patches and tylox to help you though. Lots of people have kicked their addictions so it can be done.

You have a good long term plan but put the thing with your mom aside if you can until you are stronger. There is some work to be done there but it might be best to get free and clear headed first. Would some type of compromise with your parents work, like going to college out of town, maybe getting an off campus apartment so you won't have to come home on holidays and summers except as you want? You don't even have to tell them it's to get more free and live on your own. Just find a good program in some school and tell them that you really just have to get into it for your future, which would be the truth if you are ready to be more on your own.

[GhostGoat]

Anamoly, Reading your posts, you seem to have a very good head on your shoulders. You realize that you are not on a good path, and that is the most important step in getting off drugs.

You are still very young, and with your obvious intelligence, you have incredible potential, the sky's the limit (I recently saw an interview with a local businessman who had a bad drug/alcohol problem in his youth, who is a mega-millionaire now). It blows my mind that you've already saved up $80K, color me envious!

It sounds as though you have some issues with your mom, although your love for her does come through in your posts. In my adolescent years, I had a lot of problems with my mom...she's an alcoholic, and she's very mean when she's drunk. When my dad left her when I was 15, I (being an only child) became the target of her nightly rants and screaming fits.

She's always sort of had a hard time accepting me as an adult - even though I'm well into my middle-age years now, she still treats me as though I'm a little kid sometimes. Just try to keep a cool head no matter how mad you get, and remember that her domineering behavior is just a manifestation of her love for you (even though its unwelcome and an annoying way of expressing it).

I think it would be wise for you to concentrate more on kicking drugs now, and distancing yourself more from your mom later. One thing at a time. When you're free from drugs, you will be stronger and much more able to be fully independent.

Its unfortunate that your trip to the counselor turned so negative...sounds as though the counselor was more concerned with covering their ass than in helping you. I'd advise you to seek some professional help again, through a different route, somehow. Sounds like you are more or less on your own with your quest to get clean, and having a support system in such an endeavor is a HUGE help. Maybe you should check out Narcotics Anonymous.

Hang in there, and don't get too hung up on your long-term plans, take things one day at a time for now. Getting through a single day without using is a great accomplishment, and that should be your main goal for each day now. (hope this isn't coming off too preachy, just trying to help).

I don't have much experience with opioids, but in my past I experimented with many drugs, eventually I quit using them (except for weed). I've had a couple of friends die from heroin overdoses, so for God's sake please take care of yourself. Best of luck to you.

[anamoly]

Hey, thanks for your posts & support.

I'm 3 days clean now and the withdrawal really isn't all that bad, although it's making me irritable and having me spend the weekend with my very judgmental mother is causing for a lot of screaming fits between the two of us.

Her deciding what my next course of action should be (getting treatment where she wants me to get treatment - out of the country) and me obviously wanting to stay the course with the plans I have made for myself.

[mercuryrising]

Originally Posted by anamoly

Hey, thanks for your posts & support.

I'm 3 days clean now and the withdrawal really isn't all that bad, although it's making me irritable and having me spend the weekend with my very judgmental mother is causing for a lot of screaming fits between the two of us.

Her deciding what my next course of action should be (getting treatment where she wants me to get treatment - out of the country) and me obviously wanting to stay the course with the plans I have made for myself.

My experience has been that it is easy to quit and difficult to stay quit, no matter what you might be addicted to. It's easy to quit because the consequences are staring you in the face when you quit. Then you get away from the consequences, life gets better and you decide that you can handle it again. This is a downward spiral that ultimately ends in death.

The answer I have found is to become addicted to God. I'm not talking about a conceptual or dogmatic "true believer" type of addiction, but rather a constant direct connection to the Power that is animating you, me and the whole universe. It sounds like you have a clue about this. The central way to make that connection is through purification, prayer, meditation and hanging out with people that have the same goal.

The process of being addicted to God is a lot like the process of becoming addicted to drugs. You start off getting a taste of the bliss within, then you eliminate activities that don't bring you to that bliss and eventually it becomes the center of your life. This is the ascending spiral to immortality.

Maybe I sound like a kook or something. I'm just telling you my experience with addiction and recovery. I can tell you that unless you replace your addiction with something more powerful and commit your entire being to that something, you will be singing the same tune about six months from now (if you live). I know because I've done it many times over.

Peace be with you, my friend.

[anamoly]

No, I do feel like you are right. The only time I was able to be off drugs from an extended period of time (3-5+mo) is when I had a clear connection with God and felt that my life was being guided by the force and energy, rather than my distinct ego.

Unfortunately, sometimes something happens. For instance, I was sober for a few months and was doing great with furthering my entrepreneurial career, developed a few ideas I was super passionate about. Basically, here's the low-down of what happened.

I went to seek guidance from a professor who could mentor make my vision a reality, something that, at the time, I felt was an unmanifested product (environmental) which I felt like it was my mission to see this product developed. Not for profit, but for the Earth. However, when I went to talk to the professor after class, I had to pretty much kiss his ass and he didn't really give me the few minutes so I felt extremely overwhelmed with all the responsibility. I wasn't ready to handle it.

I ended up not sleeping all night and the next day I was just shot. Now, the question comes as to whether or not this was a manic-episode in bipolar disorder or a period of increased energy due to good habits (I was eating vegetarian at the time, exercising and trying to be really healthy). Also, my thoughts weren't racing and I felt a wave of peace and tranquility. After I stayed up all night super frustrated, the next day I drove to get some dinner. I brought some Styrofoam plastic-case that diners give you to throw away for take-out. Since I was trying to be super-green at the time, I saved these cases and washed them, rather than throwing them out. I got to the diner. My courage was gone. I didn't have the courage to ask them to use my case.

That's it. My entire identity crumbled. My old depressive, uncourageous, seclusive, isolated, drug-abusing self came out. I relapsed today, as you predicted. As I practically planned to do. I took a legal plant, called Kratom.

I won't do so again for at least a week. However, you are right. I recognize that, perhaps I will get out of control again.

Though I am not sure how to get back to that connection and power, the inner-body, so to speak, the animated "god force" that animates all and everything. Knowing this as the truth is useless to me, because I am not living the experience of it.

Also, I went from being extremely environmentally conscious - to a bad, uncaring attitude. Well, I really can't beat myself up too much for it. I'm just not sure what I should be doing with my life. I should mention that during the night I stayed up, I found Dancing Rabbit Ecovillage | Sustainable Community Living

At the time, that seemed like a perfect community for me to live in. I drafted a letter, but didn't have the courage to send it that night. Now, I don't know. I simply don't know how to get back in touch with my true self. This high is a poor substitute.

[mercuryrising]

Originally Posted by anamoly

No, I do feel like you are right. The only time I was able to be off drugs from an extended period of time (3-5+mo) is when I had a clear connection with God and felt that my life was being guided by the force and energy, rather than my distinct ego.

Unfortunately, sometimes something happens. For instance, I was sober for a few months and was doing great with furthering my entrepreneurial career, developed a few ideas I was super passionate about. Basically, here's the low-down of what happened.

I went to seek guidance from a professor who could mentor make my vision a reality, something that, at the time, I felt was an unmanifested product (environmental) which I felt like it was my mission to see this product developed. Not for profit, but for the Earth. However, when I went to talk to the professor after class, I had to pretty much kiss his ass and he didn't really give me the few minutes so I felt extremely overwhelmed with all the responsibility. I wasn't ready to handle it.

I ended up not sleeping all night and the next day I was just shot. Now, the question comes as to whether or not this was a manic-episode in bipolar disorder or a period of increased energy due to good habits (I was eating vegetarian at the time, exercising and trying to be really healthy). Also, my thoughts weren't racing and I felt a wave of peace and tranquility. After I stayed up all night super frustrated, the next day I drove to get some dinner. I brought some Styrofoam plastic-case that diners give you to throw away for take-out. Since I was trying to be super-green at the time, I saved these cases and washed them, rather than throwing them out. I got to the diner. My courage was gone. I didn't have the courage to ask them to use my case.

That's it. My entire identity crumbled. My old depressive, uncourageous, seclusive, isolated, drug-abusing self came out. I relapsed today, as you predicted. As I practically planned to do. I took a legal plant, called Kratom.

I won't do so again for at least a week. However, you are right. I recognize that, perhaps I will get out of control again.

Though I am not sure how to get back to that connection and power, the inner-body, so to speak, the animated "god force" that animates all and everything. Knowing this as the truth is useless to me, because I am not living the experience of it.

Also, I went from being extremely environmentally conscious - to a bad, uncaring attitude. Well, I really can't beat myself up too much for it. I'm just not sure what I should be doing with my life. I should mention that during the night I stayed up, I found Dancing Rabbit Ecovillage | Sustainable Community Living

At the time, that seemed like a perfect community for me to live in. I drafted a letter, but didn't have the courage to send it that night. Now, I don't know. I simply don't know how to get back in touch with my true self. This high is a poor substitute.

First of all, I suggest looking into a treatment center or counseling. I know you are in school, but you can probably do an out-patient treatment. It's hard to tell what is going on without someone outside of you to point it out. In my town, they have this group called PATH. It's basically a suicide hotline, but they can tell you how to get in touch with any form of mental health service. I'm sure there is something in your area that is similar. Probably something on campus.

I am bipolar and my drug use was basically a form of self-medication. I can't tell you whether you are or not. I can say that if you don't take care of yourself now, you won't be able to help anyone else. I spent a lot of time running away from that diagnosis. I didn't want to admit that there was something wrong. Twelve years of getting beaten down over and over made it clear and when I could finally admit it to myself, it was a relief. I'm not crazy, stupid or bad-- just sick. Sickness can be treated. There's a way out.

Some doctors and researchers think that bipolar disorder is related to an imbalanced body clock. The clock is set according to how much light or darkness you are recieving. For bipolar people, maintaining a set schedule of darkness (sleep) vs. light is very important. It's interesting that this all happened after you hadn't slept. Here's some information I found on this idea.


I've played out very similar scenarios to what you describe. Set up high expectations that can't be reached. When I don't reach them or someone else doesn't reach them, say "f--- it" and go use. The whole thing is just a reason to use. It's a rationalization.

Let go of outcomes. You are in charge of incomes, not outcomes. (Man, I hate sounding cliche, but it's true.) Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. Your only real power is in how you respond or perceive things. You could take on the belief that everything happens for the greatest good.

The word spirit comes from the latin word spiritus which means "to breathe". The most natural, simple and accessible way to connect with God is by paying attention to your breath. You don't have to do any kind of special breathing techniques. Just pay attention. You'll find that you automatically come back to center. I suggest you start now. It will do you some good to feel that connection (it does me).

If you have trouble staying focused, count the exhales up to ten and then start over. You can do this anywhere, anytime. Do it as often as you can. While walking, while your bored in class, watching tv, reading a book, kissing a girl.

Set aside time in the morning after you get up and before you go to bed to just sit and breathe without any distraction. It may seem stupid or boring, but if you make it a regular practice it will change your life. I don't make promises often, but I promise you that one.

Hope this helps.

[anamoly]

Hey thanks for all your insight! I have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow so we will see what happens there.

I have looked into training at a Zen monastery for a year since your post and upon divulging this idea to my family, I received a ton of warnings about how to beware of cults. I think my family is going to strongly oppose me picking out my place of treatment (in this case, a Zen Buddhist monastery) and would much prefer for me to go to an Eastern Orthodox monastery, since that is their religion of choice.

Unfortunately, Buddhism is presented as a sect or cult last I heard on Russian television, and that is what the kind of media my mom is exposed to often - so her opinions are, in my opinion, tainted with judgment. Nonetheless, I don't want to back down. I should choose the monastery I feel most comfortable with, not the one which my family feels most comfortable for me to go to.

Nothing better to do than practice present moment loving awareness tomorrow when communicating with parents

[munish]

Hi,

Read articles posted on Steve Pavlina Blog.That will help you in breaking this addiction.

How to Give Up Coffee
Overcoming News Addiction

[ar81]

Addiction has 2 sides:
1.The biochemical addiction
2.The emotional problem/pain that led you into drugs.