How long to heal a badly wounded heart?

[catalyst]

I was betrayed by the one person I trusted in this world. The one person I would have done anything for. She was the only person I have ever really cared about, and we spend a third of our lives together.

Hard to put into words, and the story is too long, but the end is so short. Basically, one day she told me she no wanted to be with me. I soon found out she was with someone else - we stopped talking since. Ten years of trust, promises, commitments.. suddenly nothing. Some days are better than others, but other days I feel paralyzed. After something like this happens, how can you trust anyone again?

I don't want pity, I just want to get over this and let her go but inside something won't let it die. I feel as though this pain is ultimately controlling my life, my decisions, and my thoughts.

[WordKeeper]

I am sorry to hear about what you have been through. Your pain comes through very clearly.

You don't mention how long ago this happened. There are things you can do to help encourage the healing but it depends on where you are in the process.

You have experience a painful emotional wound. When I have been through emotionally traumatic events I developed a metaphor that helped me understand why it was taking me so long to get beyond the unbearable pain. The analogy is that what you have experienced is equivalent to being hit by a Mack truck while crossing the street.

Initially, your only goal is survival, each and every day to keep alive - nutrition, air, sleep. As you progress you will move into therapy - maybe surgery and physical therapy to begin to get your limbs to function again.

My point is that if this betrayal was very recent then you are in survival stage and you want to keep the air flowing. If you are beyond that the physical therapy is painful but the only hope of returning use of your limbs.

Meanwhile I have one suggestion and that is to do "exercises" of controlling your thoughts. When the painful thoughts come (as I suspect they are almost omnipresent) then do your best to replace them with thoughts of something, anything that is pleasant or at least MORE pleasant. It will be difficult but with work it will become easier and easier and begin to give you more and more relief.

Don't "repress" your hurt or anger but replace the thoughts with better thoughts - thoughts that are not negative or damaging. Keep busy when they come - read, cook, play sports - anything positive that you enjoy. When the thoughts and memories come do not dwell on them, do not encourage them - you cannot make them go away but you can avoid dwelling on them. You will be surprised how much this will help begin the healing process.

[catalyst]

Thanks for your reply.

I lost track of the exact date, but it's been several months now. The first three or four months, I was just focusing on surviving and getting through the day. If it wasn't for my immediate family, I don't know where I would be right now.

I've made progress, but as you said, the wound is pretty deep. Hard to imagine unless you've been through something like this. As time goes by, things become more clear to me, and I'm beginning to accept what happened. It took me a long time to admit to myself the facts, because it was so painful.

This event started my journey to really examine who I am, and my purpose in this life. Without her, there is a big gaping hole. I don't want to be a victim, and will not see myself that way. I don't want to be someone who looks back and puts blame on some tragedy for the way his life has turned out. It's just hard sometimes when your emotions are out of control - it's hard to be productive.

I've been reading a lot of self-help books and blogs, which have helped me a lot. I know I need to stop dwelling in the past and searching for answers that are not there. The last few weeks have been hard, as I have been having lots of dreams of her, and I wake up almost feeling as though I had contact with her.

[WordKeeper]

I know I need to stop dwelling in the past and searching for answers that are not there.

I think it is important that you do know that it is important to stop dwelling in the past AND that you know that the answers do not exist. Those are essential steps if you are to get beyond the devastation of what you have experienced.

It is very important that you not repress the pain of what you have experienced as it will continue to haunt you if you do. You really must process it - but what in the world does that mean and how on earth can you do that? The truth is that there are many ways. I am very familiar with a few and will share them with you.

How will you know if any of these suggestions are for you? If they resonate with you - at all. If they sound interesting and you are drawn to them, are curious about them. If not - then keep looking. Use the intention/manifest technique to draw healing and relief/release to you.

The primary technique I use is a form of CBT that I learned in a very interested, scientifically based book by a psychiatrist Dr. Jeffry M. Schwartz, who focuses on OCD. In his book The Mind and The Brain, Schwartz describes a 4 step process which OCD patients can use to stop their obsessive thoughts. My experience in grieving has been that the thoughts take on an obsessive quality - they seem to have me rather than me having them.

Schwartz' Four Steps are outlined in detail in the website here: Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz' Four Steps - Westwood Institute for Anxiety Disorders. If this appeals to you I suggest that every time you read OCD in the 4 Steps that you substitute that phrase for the word "grief" or "grieving". You are grieving a significant loss but your situation is more complicated than simple loss b/c you have been betrayed and there are multitude of complicating aspects that contort and intertwine in and amongst the grieving. I suspect you wonder what part of the past 10 years of your relationship were real or honest and what parts were not. Such a betrayal also sets you up to wonder how you will know whether you can trust someone in the future or if you CAN trust someone again. That is all by itself a painful question and points to yet another loss - the loss of trust is in itself a significant loss.

There is yet another approach that I use which I find to be very powerful though difficult but it is perhaps even more controversial and this step cannot, should not be used too early in the mourning process. You must be "out of the hospital" so to speak. This process is forgiveness. It really takes a book to describe what I mean by this and why I say it is so valuable. But I am going to cut to the chase. By forgive - I do not mean let her off the hook and just say, "oh it is all ok what you have done and I don't care anymore." Rather what I mean by forgiveness is a process that allows you to let go of your anger and resentment. You will never heal as long as you hold on to those. Google "Steps to forgiveness" and you will find many suggestions. Here is one that if fairly good. You may want to ignore Steps 2 & 3. SGN - P. Baute: FORGIVENESS: 14 STEPS.

I have given you a lot of material to cover. Some, all or none of it may be helpful or interesting to you but perhaps it will be a place to launch off a valuable journey toward healing and letting go both of her and of the pain she caused. Hope your journey takes you to a safe harbour. - WK

[catalyst]

I'm very grateful for your reply, and the suggestions you've given me. I feel somewhat silly after reading my post again, because I don't really expect anyone to really listen and try to understand my situation. In some ways, I think it is just a mechanism of release for me. It puts a smile on my face to know that you went through the trouble of reading my story and trying to empathize with my situation and offer useful advice.

Memories I have of her do 'haunt' me. I don't think I can find a better word for it. I struggle to reconcile the good memories, as everything we shared seems tainted now. I'm more sad than angry, but I will never understand why she handled it the way that she did. I would never have stood in her way if she wanted to go. I loved her enough not to hold her back from her ambitions and her desires. I just wanted the best for her. If it ended, it didn't have to be this way. But I digress. These are the kinds of thoughts that loop through my mind.

I'm going to listen to your suggestions, and keep pushing forward to process the feelings I have. Thank you.

[WordKeeper]

I hope someone else will provide some other suggestions because what you are experiencing is significant and extremely painful and I hope for you that a healthful way to release the toxic pain and wounds comes your way.

Thanks for allowing me to offer my thoughts. It is always helpful to me to be heard. Thanks again - wishing you true healing and relief.

[Daphne Lim]

Hey Catalyst,

I had no idea you were going through this when we exchanged comments on my blog. Wow. You've certainly held up well, I must say. Even now, though the hurt is obvious, you still come across as rational and in control. Not easy, but it shows that you're pretty far along the long road to recovery.

Originally Posted by catalyst

I struggle to reconcile the good memories, as everything we shared seems tainted now.

When I went through a very painful break-up, I thought the same way. That the nasty way it ended spoilt everything that went before. It was this phrase I read somewhere that changed my thinking:

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

I don't know if you will respond to that the way I did. For me it was as if the scales fell from my eyes immediately. I realised that I could choose to be grateful for what we did have, and you certainly have ten years worth of wonderful experiences that made you who you are today.

Be grateful, Catalyst. I'm not preaching, just saying that gratitude works.

And oh yes, exercise too, as Wordkeeper pointed out. Before someone sent those words to me, I was pounding the tracks everyday just trying to tire myself out to stop thinking. This went on for months until one day I realised I wasn't running because of him anymore. I was running for me. This recovery will happen for you too.

Keep that chin up.

PS: I just wrote an entire post, Smile Because It Happened, on that saying I quoted above. It was written for you so you are the reader I refer to in the post. Hope that it helps you, and even if not, hope it makes you feel good that you are worth the effort of an entire post!

[funchy]

There are already some really great replies, so I don't need to repeat what they already said. I do love the quote "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." That's wonderful!

Do remember that you're not the only person out there who has had their world shattered by the betrayal of someone close. I'm not saying that to make it sound like your hurt is any less significant. I'm saying it because it means there really are people who truly can understand what you're going through.

It's normal to try to figure out what went wrong or why the person left, but sometimes there really is no obvious answer. It's true that sometimes people just grow apart. You weren't holding her back. She just diverged onto a different path in life, slowly moving away from you. It may have had nothing to do with what you said or did.

Don't apologize for your first post. Right now it's a good thing you vent your feelings a bit. That's the beauty of this message board. You're among friends.

Hope you feel better. Given enough time, I feel confident that you will work through the hurt and be happy again.

[inquiringmind4u]

Catalyst,

Just a few thoughts that came to mind reading this thread:

First, Vernon Howard (a great man) once hinted at the simplicity of complete and total freedom from any form of emotional hurt. He said:

"One refusal to run the mental movie and it is as if the event never happened."

What this means is that at this point, the hurt lives on because of the life you are lending to it. Your own attention along with its free access to memory is re-building the hurt brand new, over and over and over.

As many times as you are able to do it, just catch the movie and cut the filmstrip in half. Take back your attention and become aware of wherever you are. If you're caught inside the confines of some mental movie about days gone by, what you'll discover is that your attention has been pulled completely away from your present environment.

There is safety only in the present moment.

There's another very important reason why is so critical to do this:

You have had established within you a pattern whereby you define your importance by the behavior of people around you... specifically, the person you are in a relationship with. What you are going through presently is simply the flip-side of all the times you looked at her pleasant behavior towards you and thought to yourself, "I'm so lucky to have a person like this... someone who cares for me.... someone who makes me feel so wonderful."

The two kinds of self-reflections are actually one and the same. They go together and cannot be separated. You can't pick up one without chaining yourself to the other. If you define yourself by the wonderful experiences you share with another person in your life, inherently you are tying yourself to the exact opposite set of experiences if the situation should eventually change.

What this means is that as you sit within the current set of self-tormenting reflections about what seems to have been lost with your past companion, you are actually re-seeding the part of yourself that will first be delighted by the person with whom you find new companionship with; and then eventually devastated (or on the verge of devastation) if anything threatens the new relationship.

You can step outside this double-sided prison by instantaneously canceling all involvement with that self-imagery.

[catalyst]

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Daphne - you're amazing. You know that I'm a big fan of your blog, and I'm really grateful for that post. It was pretty emotional for me to read through it. I've tried to put any memories of her to the darkest place in my mind, and even attempting to recall them was like calling a up storm.

All my life, I've sort of been thought of as a strong person by those around me, and I often get comments about how fast I've recovered. Only if they knew how hard it's been for me, but the last thing I want from them is pity. I only let her see my vulnerabilities, because I trusted her in every way. Regardless, I will get back up and I'm going to be a better man because of this. I won't be joining the bitter and hardened hearts club

[Daphne Lim]

Catalyst, thanks for commenting on my blog, and I'm glad the post helped somewhat. The first break-up is the hardest I think. I also know how it feels to appear outwardly strong to everyone else, but go to pieces when I'm on my own dealing with my thoughts and emotions in their full fury.

Time is your best friend now. The sun will rise at its own time however much you want brightness now. Your time of healing will come, just wait.

[ar81]

Originally Posted by catalyst

I was betrayed by the one person I trusted in this world. The one person I would have done anything for. She was the only person I have ever really cared about, and we spend a third of our lives together.

Hard to put into words, and the story is too long, but the end is so short. Basically, one day she told me she no wanted to be with me. I soon found out she was with someone else - we stopped talking since. Ten years of trust, promises, commitments.. suddenly nothing. Some days are better than others, but other days I feel paralyzed. After something like this happens, how can you trust anyone again?

I don't want pity, I just want to get over this and let her go but inside something won't let it die. I feel as though this pain is ultimately controlling my life, my decisions, and my thoughts.

I felt that too. I also spend years with the woman who I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. Then that happened.

I felt depressed for some years. Later I learned that she had a problem of ethics. I used to blame me for that, and think I did not worth enough. But that discovery helped me a lot. If you do not love each other, you could leave each other, but that would be a result of mature chatter.

But she had someone else. In the end I learned this sadness I had became rotten, became hate, and the only way to heal myself was to forgive her (not to restart anything with her, of course, just forgive and understand that humans make mistakes). After I learned that (it took lots of time), all emotions had gone down, I could meet her again and talk like adults.

She had some bitter experiences and I really felt sorry for I did not want bad things to happen to her, since I already had forgiven her. She accepted that what she did was a mistake. She was sincere and I appreciated that.

Now our lives had taken different paths. And I wish her the best, I really do.
I can only learn from her, and not do what she did to me, for I know how much it hurts.
Later I met my wife and I love her.

In the end no one else can heal you but you.
It is bad news because you might like someone to come and save you, but the good thing is that you are in control, so it is up to you to heal or not. It is also overwhelming, for hate is the most horrible thing, and hating makes you a slave of sadness and negativity.

I survived to that. It is tough, very painful. But you are not the only one. You can survive to that.

[Dan.Linehan]

This article is pretty good. Hope it helps some.

What is heartbreak? : How to Mend Your Broken Heart

[ar81]

The article is certain about attachment.
When you are attached you need, therefore you can't love.

Today I stay with my wife because I love, not because I need.
I set free and now I decided to love my wife.