Social anxiety maybe?

[MissK]

Hi everyone. I just want to say i love everyone in this forum and thank you all so much for the great advice you always have.

So I am a background person. I freeze up almost whenever people are looking at me. Its funny because i have a confident exterior but on the inside i feel all my "creativity" or the real me freezing up while the fake me starts putting on an act of conditioned responses. Sometimes it even makes me appear awkward. Lol my ability to pretend has waned. Its like i try to deflect attention away from myself automatically. Ive done a pretty great job up until now. a joke but it hurts because i know im not stepping into my real potential, disconnecting myself from people. It makes me lonely. I don't like it at all. Its not that it makes me feel unimportant but it keeps me from pursuing what i really want. I am a creative, a true performer at heart. I want to be on stage. I guess it may be a form of shyness or SA or powerful fear, but i'm really not sure. i just cant interact naturally. i hear all my limiting beliefs in my mind now as i type.. they wont like you, they'll reject you, even to the extent no one will reply to this thread... its crazy

Its also interesting because ive been becoming more present. Its the greatest experience and the more i am aware the better i feel. But literally whenever i interact, i feel myself jumping out of the now and hearing only my self talking, scrutinizing my words, my actions everything. Its like having clear focus and then sudden double vision. I'm going to attend the Landmark conference as Angela previously recommended but i'm almost afraid to go just in case it wont work for me. This feeling i've dealt with my entire life. I'm on the precipice of something great. I've never felt better in my life. I feel if i take one step the ball will get rolling, as though my finger is plugging the dam. There is a backup of creative energy within me that needs to be expressed and its actually turning on my body and i'm starting to feel like booty lol, but i cannot shake this feeling of not wanting the scrutiny. Any advice?

[WordKeeper]

You are dealing with something very significant and the source of your anxiety is perhaps not simple to identify.

I personally find that getting to the source is the way to undo the symptom. Do you know what this anxiety comes from, this self-scrutiny?

Others may help you deal with the symptom - I always aim for the source.

[MissK]

Well i know the sources though i dont dwell on them, hardly ever think of them lol theyre all in the past. but perhaps extra review would help. I sat and listed the things that may have affected me earlier this week so i could get to the root of this. quick rundown of things that affected me (though i dont want to turn it into a pity party)

-my mom and i were separated while she traveled in the air force when i was 2. i stayed with my uncle who hated me the whole time she was gone. I was mistreated and ignored the entire time i lived there. (learned from my family when trying to figure out what was wrong with me) i suppose that had an affect on my ability to connect

-choked by my father. i always felt i had to protect my two younger siblings from the madness going on

-i was raped by my 14 yo half-brother when i was 5. my dad said if my mom made him leave that hed leave too. So i basically lived with my rapist for awhile. i know that can instill fear.

- i saw my dad beat my mom on numerous occasions. throwing her down stairs when pregnant with my baby brother, slamming her head in doors, dragging her by her hair through the car window while driving.

- inappropriate behavior by same uncle and a caregiver

I know this all affected me but i never dwell and feel bad about them. I mean most people have a not so perfect childhood. But i do have a distinct feeling of wanting to hide in a corner. But how can i fix these repercussions now? I am not stuck in past. I've accepted them. I am not depressed. I am so ready to get over this period of stagnation in my life. I am ready to lay myself bare. I really need help. Even if you tell me stop being a baby and get over it. I am trying to live now.

Becoming present has changed my life except in the area i need it the most. I cannot stay present during my interactions.

[Andrew Brunelle]

I am a very introverted performer. I do stand-up comedy and I use my introversion and nervousness talking to people as a strength that gets me more laughs. I've always been one to watch others than to interact. It's possible I'm partially autistic, but it works for me. I used to think the way you used to, scrutinizing everything I said to someone else. But now I just say, "They're not going to think about it any more than I am." People are too worried about what you think about them to think about what you said. I'm still not an extrovert, and I like it that way. But I no longer care what others are going to think and I just be myself. I only care what my opinion of myself is, not those who live to criticize or humiliate.

[WordKeeper]

Miss K - I was out of town last night and today and have just found your post. I have some ideas but want to think very carefully before I reply. You have been through significant, multiple traumas. I would not suggest that you dwell on them but I do believe that trauma can have a profound effect on our lives and bind us unconsciously. I also believe that such profound traumas need to be "released". I will write more about that later.

Thank you for sharing what you have been through. I am sorry that you have experienced so many incredibly painful things from people who you should have been able to rely on for protection and nurture. That betrayal intensifies the horror of their acts.

I will post again after I have thought it through very carefullly. Thanks - WK

[Lauxa]

Take an improv class? I took my first one last Wednesday and I felt like it was really a class on how to be present with other people and also in front of people.

[WordKeeper]

Becoming present has changed my life except in the area i need it the most. I cannot stay present during my interactions. This is b/c of the feelings and pain and memories that you have repressed. What you are experiencing now that is driving you crazy has to do with what is held in your unconscious. I promise you it can all be released and healed. The first step is to believe that and then open yourself to finding the best steps towards healing for YOU. We are all different. What works for someone else may or may not be the healing technique for you but stay open to finding the right method and it will come to you. Of that I am certain.

PS - I sent you an in-depth PM. Check it out and see if there is anything of value for you in it. If not just chuck it. If you are interested in any part of it I will be glad to have a PM dialogue with you about anything I have written.

Take care - WK