No more being a baby

[striving4peace]

My best friend told me today that I am a big baby sometimes. That I have my tantrums, mood-swings, insecurities, approval neediness...but later she took it back (cos she knew i'd probably get obsessed or depressed by overanalyzing it)
Later the same night another close friend told me she kind of agreed to this and what I already know: that I over think, over analyze, am extremely insecure about weight, being single, am extemely harsh and critical on myself in general, and very sensitive too.

Man, I really have been a big baby. This is such a wake up call. Maybe I am over analyzing it - but there is probably truth to what she said.

I'm no longer gonna gonna be insecure, whine about things in my life, over think things, or be overly doubtful of myself anymore. Even if I begin to feel it, I will not give it a voice, and ask people for approval. I'm gonna handle things maturely and calmly from now on.

If anybody has tips on how I can be consistent at this, feel welcome to pass them on.

[norbert]

Originally Posted by striving4peace

If anybody has tips on how I can be consistent at this, feel welcome to pass them on.

Tip 1: Don't be alone too much. You will spend less time thinking about yourself.

Tip 2: If you're single and everybody else around you is in a relationship, I think it's easy to understand why you have those feelings. If your best friend is in a relationship and you are not, then it's too easy for her to say that.

[amixa]

a big mistake is a cultural thing and it is that you are 'too sensitive'

i recommend you take a look at this website: The Highly Sensitive Person

she helps with trying to live in an 'insensitive' culture. also you say you have mood swings.. are you exercising regularly? what is your diet like? these things really do change how you act and feel on a daily basis and really changes SO MUCH when you start eating healthier and exercising more.

meditation helps with keeping calm in tough situations and taking time to check inward how you feel and work with what sets you off and research why these things set you off.

this is what i've done and definitely a part of it is changing your perspective on the idea of what being a 'baby' is. it is far from productive to just label yourself that. and the change does not happen over night unfortunately.

[striving4peace]

Well, I do tend to overthink whenever I'm on my own. But to be fair she said her boyfriend is a bigger baby than I am

There is truth to the fact that I do get insecure, am very sensitive and whine a lot.
I don't want this to be what I am known as.

[striving4peace]

Yes I eat relatively healthy food, am vegetarian and I have resumed exercising - I'm usually decently fit. But yes, I know I really need to but have been lazy about meditating.

[amixa]

ah some people are not meant to be vegetarian though.

in order not to be known to be an insecure person you must become a secure person and again that doesn't happen over night. make a full list of what you are insecure about and think back to different points in your life to figure out when you developed them.

[striving4peace]

I've been doing that over the last few months. And I'd like to think I've improved tremendously. I am no longer insecure about body image, sexuality, and a few other things that I used to be and I can see the difference visibly in the way I think, act and approach situations now.

However one problem really eludes me: how do I stop overthinking and over analysing?

[Daniel Birdick]

Originally Posted by striving4peace

However one problem really eludes me: how do I stop overthinking and over analysing?

By seeing for yourself that overthinking is a dead end. It's a clever fear tactic you've designed to keep you in your self created cage. Believe me, I know all about that. It's your fun way of paralyzing yourself.

[striving4peace]

Fear tactic? Fear of what?

And my dilemma is about how to balance "thinking enough" and not go overboard to "over thinking"

EDIT: I realize the overthinking maybe a result of being insecure about myself - or being too critical.
If someone says something- like for example today morning my family tells me I'm the type who goes through cycles of initial super excitement at something new that I've worked really hard for and then boredom and disgust at the same thing when it gets old. I thought about it wondering if it's ok to get excited at all then, or if I should reduce my expectations, or if I should just have a regulated amount of excitement with realistic expectations, whether it's possible to work hard for something without getting excited about it before or after I achieve it... and this went on and on.
I suppose if I was more sure of myself, then I wouldn't need to think too much. I'd just think 'maybe I do get a little too excited. It's ok to have done so in the past but maybe shouldn't get too excited in the future." and ended the thought process there.

[Daniel Birdick]

Originally Posted by striving4peace

Fear tactic? Fear of what?

Of pain, of disappointment, of failure, of the complete absence of guarantees... of life itself?

And my dilemma is about how to balance "thinking enough" and not go overboard to "over thinking"

That isn't really a dilemma. A real dilemma is wondering how you're going to eat if you're in a country plagued by starvation in Africa. A real dilemma is figuring out where you're going to find shelter if you just lost everything you worked decades for to build in a hurricane in Galveston, TX. See what I mean?

EDIT: I realize the overthinking maybe a result of being insecure about myself - or being too critical.

Or to put it simply, it may be the result of your fear of not being capable enough to handle whatever life throws at you. So you look for the perfect solution, only your mind keeps turning and turning and turning because there is no perfect solution. Balance is an illusion. There is only an adaptive response to reality or a maladaptive one. Analysis paralysis is maladaptive. Again, I'm speaking to myself as much as I am speaking to you.

[Calvan]

Maybe your brain is just wired that way. Perhaps you should entertain the thought that this is a good thing. You obviously have the propensity for deep and detailed thought about a subject. I think that is a good thing. There are some facets of life and career that demand this. Use it to your advantage.

As to how to know when you've thought about something too much, it's a simple answer. The moment you get the thought in your head "I'm thinking about this too much". Until that point its just a line of thinking, not too long or too short. The hard part I think would be to change your line of thinking at that point instead of continuing.

[striving4peace]

Daniel, you make some good points, but I think not everything you say is as relavent to me as it is to you. I agree that my dillemma isn't quite as huge compared to someone dying of starvation, or someone with real problems: what i meant is it's an obstacle on the path of personal development. Maybe my little personal development journey isn't quite as attention worthy as the various crises on earth - it's still important to me.
Calvan - maybe the fact that i'm wired that way and that's a good thing is what I thought so far, and to an extent it's true. It enables me to be a very unique individual capable of thinking beautifully in some ways too. My brain isn't conditioned at the moment to ring alarm bells of "i'm thinking too much" just yet... it has to start as a concious effort.

[funchy]

One thought: maybe the problem isn't your mood/feelings. Maybe it's how much of those feelings you allow to flow to the people around you? It's ok to be grumpy or elated or sad, but it's not ok to let strong emotions overflow to everyone around you. They have their own problems, moods, and issues, too.

My suggestion is learn to share your emotions in a more toned-down way. Your mood should not be the main topic for the evening. Also, learn to set your own mood aside to stop and listen to those around you. Maybe your friend isn't objecting so much to your mood but to the fact you don't pause and recognize how the friend is feeling. Everything isn't all about you.

In my opinion, the people who are very dramatic and emotional are often those who need friends and support the most. But you can attract more friends by listening more and radiating your own emotions less. It's just a matter of practing self control.

The thing about overthinking things: part of this may be a sign your mind isn't busy enough on constructive things. Keep yourself busier. Set up positive goals to look towards. Exercise more to help reset your emotional levels. As soon as you catch yourself analyzing, stop and go do something else.

[Daniel Birdick]

Originally Posted by striving4peace

I agree that my dillemma isn't quite as huge compared to someone dying of starvation, or someone with real problems: what i meant is it's an obstacle on the path of personal development.

That’s just it. It’s only an obstacle because you believe it is. The examples I used were meant to show you what real obstacles look like. If you can find a way to put your tendencey to over think things in perspective and combine that with really seeing for yourself that analysis paralysis is a dead end, you’ll be half way there, wherever there is for you. Clarity is not the result of a prolonged period of turning things over in your mind. Clarity is a choice.

Originally Posted by funchy

The thing about overthinking things: part of this may be a sign your mind isn't busy enough on constructive things. Keep yourself busier. Set up positive goals to look towards. Exercise more to help reset your emotional levels. As soon as you catch yourself analyzing, stop and go do something else.

This is an excellent point too. Getting out of your own head, setting some goals and taking action on them will really help.

[striving4peace]

Daniel, thank you (I'll address points in the end of the post)
You're right funchy. These days it's like I've fallen into some sort of twilight zone where I'm in therapy and all my closest firneds are therapists giving me only critique. These days I feel I'm being bombarded with criticism- I can see it's cos they care and want me to be better. When I asked them about this yesterday when they started pointing things about me again out of nowhere, one of them said that I tend to go around with this big halo/cloud of negativity and it can be picked up by people and it's kinda easy to think I'm depressed or at least unhappy (which I don't agree with - I don't think its that bad) She didn't blame me much because I am in a pretty low place in my life relatively and that I've been unlucky up untill now to never ever had a relationship / friendship that (for no fault of mine) that didn't result in some sort of grief or pain and that it was beginning to take a toll on me. Also made me realize that I'm just plain unhappy, and my life has sucked for too long.
Another just replied, because you asked us for our opinion - well I asked a long time ago, but girls generally tend to send all kinds of observations once that door is open and many of these observations tend to look negative.


Yesterday I recieved a tonne of relationship advice because I'm in the initial stages of trying to form a relationship with a girl, and when I asked for feedback, turns out I apparently was pushy and couldn't read signals, and also have no clue about how women think or what they really find attractive - and how I need to change my image from a predominantly nice and a bit feminine to a bit more macho / quiet / mysterious person. It's good advice but it hurt cos it's just yet another area of my life I have no idea about because I've never been in a relationship and needing to hear a "relationship 101" made me feel like a complete brainless idiot for missing out on all the relationship experience and knowledge (and sex)
It's not that I am an idiot, just day before I found out I have a reputation in the industry for being one of the smartest in the region, and even my friend who was giving me the relationship advice kept addressing the little bit of hurt she could see at the critiques with things like "i'm not saying you're a woman or pansy - u just need to portray a more manly image" or "you're far from being dumb - you're one of smartest people I know"

I'm beginning to wonder if my problem is rooted at how I am reacting to life, and it's lows. I know I'm self critical and overanalyse till I take things personally - and this is my over-reaction.

Which brings me to Daniel's point. If the things about myself that I'm looking at aren't obstacles to self improvement then it's a form of just accepting myself for who I am. Self acceptance is one thing, but I do need to improve to get the things I want - case and point: the relationship. I needed to hear the relationship advice to get better at it. I just need to stop the over thinking where my mind reached the part that said I'm an idiot for not having known stuff like this from the start, so that I could have had relationships in the past and have accumulated knowledge on them.

I think one step would be to tell almost people that I'm temporarily retracting my open door- open book policy about my life. That I don't really want to keep hearing about my flaws or characteristics for a while. It'd help my brain to quieten down without the noise from outside. Because it's not that I don't have goals and am working towards them and keeping my mind busy. It's just that my brain's ON, 24x7x365. I need to apply more of Tolle and Zen in my life.

[The Cloud]

When you think about doing this, is it something that you feel great working towards? Not achieving, just making an effort towards its achievement. Or is it something that you feel must be, which is causing you distress because it isn't? I'll call the first one desire, and the second one need. Is this a desire or a need?

I've recently realized that there is a fantastic difference between the two. A desire is not about what you have now, but what you could be doing now, what you could be working toward right now. A need, on the other hand, is about what you have now, or more precisely what do not have now. People often base their lives around this need, making every effort to make this thing that must be true into a truth. A need causes distress. If you are distressed because you don't have something, that is how you can tell that it is a need. Perhaps you need to not be insecure, need not to whine, need not to be a baby. When you think about these things, I am willing to bet you get a tight feeling in your neck, a desperate feeling that this is what you must be, that this is what you need.

But you don't desire it. This need, it is not you and has nothing to do with your desires. Think about the things that you need, and ask yourself if you truly desire them. Do you truly get a sense of satisfaction or happiness from working on them; not from achieving them, but just from being able to work toward that goal? I think that you will find that many of the things you think you need, you don't even want in the first place. You may find that you have no real desire for the things that you are basing your life around. When you do this, your need may even hijack it, trying to make you think that you need to be rid of your needs. You may think that you are becoming frustrated. But are you, or is this just the need trying to live through you? Is this your frustration, or is it just frustration in search of a host to give it life? Is this need you, or is it need in search of a you to make it seem real?