How do you cope with subtle put downs from others?

[Persephone79]

I wondered how you guys coped with put downs from others, from overt attacks on your competence and character to the more subtle psychological attacks of the (usually) feminine variety? I have had so many problems with both, mostly the latter in professional environments particularly! Would value your experiences and comments. Thanks xx

[viscapes]

Hi Persephone79

Put downs only work if you let them. I know that's a bit of a cliche but I've found it to be totally true. You can condition yourself to simply not give a crap if someone puts you down then it won't matter what anyone says. And when people realise that their put downs are falling on deaf ears they normally stop.

It sounds like have a set of rules (emotional rules) that rely on other people in order for you to feel competent and comfortable, and equally rely on other people in order for you to feel put down or under attack.

Ask yourself, what has to happen in order for you to feel competent. Your answer might be something like, "In order for me to feel competent I need someone to show appreciation for my work", or "in order for me to feel competent I need to be considered as a competent professional by my peers". Emotional rules that rely on other people to make you feel the way you want to feel only set you up for dissapointment, and make feeling good difficult and feeling bad easy.

Condition yourself with new emotional rules that make feeling the way you want to feel completely within your control. Convince yourself of a new rule like, "in order for me to feel competent I must perform my job with the best of intentions and with reasonable dedication." That would be completely within your control. Then if someone trys to put you down it's not going to affect your feeling of competance because you don't care what other people think so long as you live by your (more empowering) rules.

Cheers
Paul

[PetraPortland]

This is not easy to grasp but I've found it to be true for me... if someone puts you down it is to do with them. It is 'their opinion' & everyone is entitled to one. It has nothing to do with you. You can't control what someone is going to say - but you can control how your respond to others.

For me seeing every little thing someone does or says is to do with them (& nothing to do with me) helps me separate out other people's stuff from me personally. Petra X

[Patty]

The put-downs have to do with the person who is spewing out the negative stuff, not the target of their verbal abuse. Psychologists use the term 'projecting'. Keep seeing it as the negative person's self and not yourself, and there is your forcefield of protection. One way to deal with it on the spot might be to help that person see their own better self, such as, "Cmon, you're above that kind of talk. Or, question their words - What do you mean? while not directly responding to the words. Donot engage.
Be a gentle, neutral target and let those words bounce right back.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by Persephone79

I wondered how you guys coped with put downs from others, from overt attacks on your competence and character to the more subtle psychological attacks of the (usually) feminine variety? I have had so many problems with both, mostly the latter in professional environments particularly! Would value your experiences and comments. Thanks xx

Right in front of everyone, stop what you're doing walk up to the person that made the comment and stare at them (no anger or judgment). Just look at them and see what happens. As long as you don't get emotional, I guarantee they'll be seen for what they are and they'll probably apologize.

[Daphne Lim]

Success is the best revenge. Just do your work professionally and give them no chance to fault you. I don't like confrontation so I find this method works for me. If anyone persists in putting you down when you are obviously competent or better, they will appear to everyone like the schmucks they are.

[Angela]

If someone says something that pushes your buttons, there's a part of you that buys into what they're saying, or it wouldn't bug you.

You asked how to "cope," and you've received some good advice here so far for coping. But why not move past mere coping and into Mastery?

If Georgia overtly attacks your competence and you are injured by that attack, boldly look for your own inner truth: how is Georgia correct? In what area am I incompetent? Maybe I'm incompetent in the literal sense she's talking about, or maybe my incompetence is a bit deeper -- maybe I haven't been competent in my communication or social skills or self-promotion, etc. When you have found incompetence (and if you look, you can), nod and thank Georgia. If you really want to take on mastery in a big way, ask Georgia to help you! "Hey, Georgia, I hadn't looked at it from your perspective; thanks for sharing that. How would you handle this situation?" She'll be disarmed -- she will no longer have a weapon with which to hurt you. You will have transformed an enemy into an ally.

If you just can't get your ego around that, simply smile and thank her for her input and tell her you'll take it under advisement. And later, if it still rankles (you have revenge fantasies, for instance, or find yourself obsessing over what you *should* have said), that's your clue that you really would benefit from taking what was said under advisement -- you'll have a big clue that what she has said is a huge button for you, and huge buttons are huge opportunities for you to see something new about your own limiting beliefs -- and being free!

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by Angela

If Georgia overtly attacks your competence and you are injured by that attack, boldly look for your own inner truth: how is Georgia correct? In what area am I incompetent? Maybe I'm incompetent in the literal sense she's talking about, or maybe my incompetence is a bit deeper -- maybe I haven't been competent in my communication or social skills or self-promotion, etc. When you have found incompetence (and if you look, you can), nod and thank Georgia. If you really want to take on mastery in a big way, ask Georgia to help you! "Hey, Georgia, I hadn't looked at it from your perspective; thanks for sharing that. How would you handle this situation?" She'll be disarmed -- she will no longer have a weapon with which to hurt you. You will have transformed an enemy into an ally.

If you just can't get your ego around that, simply smile and thank her for her input and tell her you'll take it under advisement.

If she is, you can't just say thanks. They'll laugh even more. You have to be direct. Cowards make fun of people. Call them on it and they'll fold. As long as, you don't let your emotions control you, anything they say will be weak and meaningless.

Angela is right on many counts. She's always got great advice. If she's acting like a bully, however, I believe you have to be direct. If it continues, ask her to meet you for coffee. If she refuses, go to your boss. You shouldn't have to put up with grade school mentalities like this.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Dannyboy1

If she is, you can't just say thanks. They'll laugh even more. You have to be direct. Cowards make fun of people. Call them on it and they'll fold..

Danny's right about his approaches in the face of being publicly bullied. As long as you're worried about being laughed at or being bullied or made fun of, you're in the realm of coping.