This 'friendship' thing SUCKS

[oBakasan]

Seriously, that's all I can say on the matter.

Three years after moving to a different country and breaking off with my Best Friends because long distance communication just wasn't rewarding, and I STILL haven't made a SINGLE friend. Nada. Not just a "good friend", but ANY friend. Not even some random acquaintance who would randomly call me for whatever reason. The only people who call me these days are my manager and people that I owe money to.

I even went to this damned Anime meeting a local University was arranging today but everyone just watched anime and didn't actually talk, so I ended up making no friends there. And I feel like CRAP! It's not even that I *want* to have friends, but that's the way the human bodies are hardwired. You either communicate with others, or you start feeling lonely and it affects your work. And I am feeling lonely right now! I have no friends, no one to talk to, no one to share with how I feel and just UGH.

I'm in a train home after the anime meeting and seeing all those people being happy together just made me more miserable (or to be precise it just showed me how miserable I am right now).

I do hate this kind of thing but it seems that I am just not able to go out and make friends like all the other people.

[Marth]

You either communicate with others, or you start feeling lonely and it affects your work. And I am feeling lonely right now! I have no friends, no one to talk to, no one to share with how I feel and just UGH.

It's weird isn't it, I have the same problem. When I am alone for a while, random feelings come from my stomache that prevent me from working which I can not control. It is as if you either must have friends or you won't be effective in promoting change significantly because of these odd feelings in the stomache which prevent progress. It's a really limiting reality for me & I don't see a way out w/o opening up information with others that they really don't want to hear about & taking information from them that I'm really not interested in.

I'll be your friend anytime, & anyone's friend that is lonely or wants a new friend just pm me or reply

[funchy]

Instead of saying "I can't make friends" let's talk about the roadblocks and see if we can't come up with some suggestions?

For example, if you're coming from another country, you may be having issues with cultural differences without even realizing it.

Also, try to start the day out optimistic and taking control. Don't wait for others to come up to you -- you go talk to others. Strike up small talk. Find a common interest.

You live near a university which is great for you. Take a class there! Pick something fun and easy. Some Universities offer non-credit (=cheaper) programs that may not appear in their main course book. Once you're in the class, here's a chance to meet people with similar interests.

Join a club or hobby group. What interests you? Do you have any hobbies? Do you have any political, religious, or activist interests? Go to regular meetings so there is continuity, and you can work on building relationships.

Volunteer somewhere. For example maybe a shy person who likes helping people could volunteer at a hospital or nursing home.

Pick up a 2nd job, something totally fun. A guy who is into cars might take a low wage job working at the local racetrack just to hang out and meet people.


Start talking to others. It's hard to do, but with enough effort it can become a habit. Smile alot and display relaxed accepting body langague. Compliment others. Make people feel comfortable around you.

Hope these ideas are of some help. If you ever want a friend to chat with, PM me or you can IM me on AIM if you wish.

[ar81]

You will meet people who are similar to you.
So look inside to see if you are like thetype of person you might like to be.

[WordKeeper]

I don't have any friends either. I fully understand why my last friends all abandoned me but I have made significant changes since then and continue to. I chose to let go of the concept of having no friends. I have a goal of living life end forward or believing and then I will see.

For instance: I went to my 7 year old's football game today. Yesterday at his baseball game I felt lonely and isolated from the other boys' parents. Today I went with the attitude that something wonderful is on the verge of happening and lots of these people will enjoy talking to me in the future. It was an interesting perspective to view life from. It was sort of like pretending that I was taking a day off from being famous and the anonymoty[sic] was a pleasant reprieve.

I am convinced that I have carried around a negative energy filled with fear and resentment and that only when that energy is positive will like minded, kind and caring people be drawn to me.

I fear being judged and so carry with me an attitude of judgement. I suspect that sucks the wind out of the friendship vortex. Approaching the world as a whole with positive attitudes and believing that the kind of friends I truly value are on their way means that I will look past those who are not drawn to me and keep looking for those who will be.

Anyway, try believing that good friends, the perfect friends are around the corner and keep your eyes open for them. They are looking for you and me too. We're all about to bump into one another because we believed we would. Good luck bumping!

[Liveformx64]

You are trying to make friends at an anime meeting? Seriously? I have never been to one, but from the people I know personally that are into Anime they aren't exactly the most outreaching group of people.

But I really don't think that is the root problem. It sounds like no one introduced themselves to you, or no one was really inviting to to be a part of their group. But ask yourself, did you introduce yourself to anyone? Did you initiate anything other than maybe a passing comment?

I don't mean to be critical, but I have been on that side of the fence, and I understand what it feels like. Only after I realized that I was to blame for my conundrum was I able to make changes.

Usually this comes from a misconception of social dynamics. I am assuming you went to this event in good faith that you might get to meet a few like minded people. So you get to the event and as you walk through the front doors nobody blew on a party horn and confetti didn't fall from the ceiling. Realistically though, nobody even gave you a damn bit of time, probably not even a glance. Unless you had a Goku hairdew, and an orange and blue jump suit you didn't stand a chance.

The point I am trying to make is you are going fishing in a mud puddle. If it is friends you want, I would recommend getting out of the like minded groups, and step outside your comfort zone a little. Are you willing to do this?

Start with this: "I want to find someone who likes me for who I am", That statement is the biggest line of B.S. in the free world. Take that phrase and learn how who you are today, vs. what you could be tomorrow will change the whole pretense of a relationship and ultimately end most of them.

[PetraPortland]

I think Bob Scheinfeld was right when he said there are 3 purposes to why you meet people:

1. You attract someone who reflects you
2. You attract someone who gives you information you need
3. You attract someone who sets something into motion for you

Perhaps at the moment none of the above apply to you?

Perhaps it's a lesson to learn to enjoy your own company. Perhaps you're focusing so much on the 'lack of friends' that you keep producing no friends. There could be many reasons why... Petra X

[crescive]

Take the initiative! The easiest way to start a conversation is to compliment someone. I think this has been said already but it's true. Go up to someone who genuinely interests you, who you are not intimidated by but feel a kinship towards at your next anime meeting. Try to lock eyes with them and when you do, just flash a small sincere smile. No need to grin with teeth showing or anything, just a nice simple smile is perfect. They will most likely smile back. Then, when it's opportune, approach them and tell them that you like their shirt or whatever you found nice or interesting or unique about them. This IS important. Have a real genuine reason for liking whatever they have. This is so when they say thanks, you can respond with, "Yeah, it reminds me of a shirt I have" or "Yeah, that is my favorite Anime character" or WHATEVER that will establish a common bond between you two. Now, you don't have to get their numbers right away and ask them what they're doing later unless the conversation flows and you guys click. It's nice to start slowly, acting too eager to be someone's friend can seem desperate or creepy in the same way being hit on by someone can be. Next time you see them, you can work on building the friendship a little more. Try doing this with everyone you see. These little interactions are what builds the foundations of friendship. It's easy and fun, and you'll feel happy about yourself because you made someone happy about themselves.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by oBakasan

The only people who call me these days are my manager and people that I owe money to.

If you do that a lot, people do tend to keep away from you somewhat. I mean borrowing money.

[jtracy]

I too have no friends. Like Wordkeeper "I am convinced that I have carried around a negative energy filled with fear and resentment and that only when that energy is positive will like minded, kind and caring people be drawn to me." I particularily like the advice to approach the world beleiving that the friends you want are on their way and keep your eyes open for them. It is also important to have a large enough interest in others so that you want to get to know them enough for you to take the effort to say hello. Practising complimenting others is a very good idea. I think it helps to focus on them rather than on how much you lack a friend. Neediness turns people off.
I can certainly identify with how miserable you feel when you go to public places and you see all these happy people having a great time with their significant others. Sometimes I feel like it's really hard to find someone who's by themselves, and if they are they are probably talking to someone on their cellphone. Funchy's suggestions of where to find people are good. I think the truth is that relationships are important, having friends is good for the soul. There needs to be a balance between that and time spent alone getting to know yourself because the latter is important too.

[Boreas]

I don't want to pry, but I feel this is pertinent:

How old are you? And why did you move?

I ask because I think friends are a large part of life situation. I think when someone gets over 23-24 they are just not going to be hanging out with people everyday. They will have work, family, and bills to balance. I think most people see other people once a month (or less), and hangout. If that is the case, then definitely join some groups. Meetup.com is very popular and it is good if you find something that fits your interest.

I have gone to meetups where I met people for the first and last time, and had a great time, laughing and everything. Often at those meetups I see other people sitting at the margins, looking at us, like you describe and I imagine they are thinking I am among old good friends, and in a way it is true, and in a way it isn't. By that I mean, most people are the same, and it is nice to have a way to meet people for a certain occasion and get along. On the other hand it is also nice to have friends you keep up with.

In short having friends takes effort, time, and practice, but it is a journey that gets better and better. As you go along you will learn more about yourself and what interests you most. Small talk will be easier, and all that, after a while you can even start leading groups and creating lunch gatherings and what not but inviting people. If there is one thing this thread is saying is that there are lots of people just like you, so invite them to hang out at a park, or go to lunch sometime! Just try it!

Practice:

1. Sticking your hand out and introducing yourself
2. Asking witty questions
3. Asking about other people's interests
4. Closing conversations your don't like and introducing yourself to someone else (I have found such a move can be done without looking rude, and makes you look more popular besides!)

[Akashic_Librarian]

Have you considered prostitution?

Seriously...meet new people everyday, colourful characters, business connections?

*Looks around at horrified looks from audience*

[Holistic Star]

hey oBakasan,

hope you're ok.

What kind of people would you like to meet. Would it help to list their ideal interests, age-range, personalities, culture, location, life-stage etc so you can get clear about the kinds of friend you would like.

It can be tough. About 8 years ago I found myself back in my university town after all my uni friends had moved away. Eventually I met one person who became a friend, and her friends and their friends and it suddenly just snowballed. But if I hadn't have made that phone call to her after the first time of meeting, it might never have happened.

Hope you meet some cool people soon.

[Froztwolf]

How do you feel about NGOs?

My circle of friends and aquintances exploded as soon as I joined JCI. If there isn't a JCI chapter in your area you could look into Lyons, Kiwanis, Rotary...there is a number of organizations like this out there and I'm sure you can find one you like.

[Daniel Becerra]

I don't mean to spam, but I highly recommend that you read this article:
How To Identify With Other People

[Calvan]

background: I dont have any social friends locally. I moved here 12 years ago or something like that. I have work friends who i do not ever communicate with outside of work and internet friends whom I do not ever communicate with off the net.

SO anyway today I'm working in a new factory and I see this guy walking down an aisle. So I wonder, as I sometimes do, if its maybe someone I know from the net. I think Maybe its OBakasan, the guy who was upset he hadn't made any friends in 3 years. Or maybe its one of the other people who mentioned being in similar situations.. So Im thinking maybe this guy would like to be on friendly terms. And then it hit me... anyone you dont know might be friendless and appreciate a new friendship. I know its pretty obvious on the surface but the deep realization of this was another step I needed to get over my shyness. I thought maybe it might help someone else. I also wanted to thank you all for posting about your situations here because it ended up helping me, who until now was just lurking in this thread. So thanks.

[Calvan]

Originally Posted by oBakasan

Seriously, that's all I can say on the matter.

I do hate this kind of thing but it seems that I am just not able to go out and make friends like all the other people.

Having some form of severe social anxiety disorder I can identify with that statement. It seems sooooo easy for everyone doesn't it? You can be like them, there is lot's of help and manuals about it if you want to put in the effort.

Socializing is a skill... and some people learn it subconsciously while they are toddlers. I deeply envy those people their natural ability. Others among us have to learn it cognitively like any other skill such as reading or playing guitar. Luckily for us however is the human brains ability to assimilate learned knowledge into subconscious skill. You dont think about spelling rules or the forms of letters when you read, you just read and the understanding comes as if it's as natural as breathing. The same can be done with socializing. You learn the skills and practice them until you dont have to think about them and they just come naturally. It takes work though, like learning anything.

Ok on more practical level... You say you moved to a new country. Does this place speak your native language? If you are speaking a second language there make EVERY effort you can to speak as clearly as possible. Take classes. Practice. Personally its not a roadblock for me but sooooo many people I know are instantly prejudiced against anyone with a strong accent. The lighter the accent the less prejudice there seems to be. I dont understand it... but I have observed it.

[ar81]

It is ironical that you say you can't make friends, for you made them here.
I think you just didn't have the chance to find the right place and moment to make friends in the past.
Or perhaps you feel down and that feeling makes your life dark and tragic.
Brain use to cheat us with biochemical reactions that makes us feel sad.
The world is not sad, biochemistry is cheating to believe that.

[ncos]

There is some great advice in this thread, but I think we should acknowledge that our best friends are the ones we make in childhood, and when you're older, it's tough to form those types of deep relationships. If you're totally new to an area and everyone else there has known each other their whole lives, it's just really difficult to break in. Sure, you can take the initiative and meet people, but let's face it - it's much harder if you're no longer a kid and you're new to an area.

[Elfwing]

Originally Posted by Calvan

And then it hit me... anyone you dont know might be friendless and appreciate a new friendship.

THANK YOU for posting that. I have enormous troubles with this too, trying to remedy them, and that sentence really helps me. Those I know around me, most of them have friends, but my old friend who I met up with yesterday told me that I was someone she could confide things in with that she couldn't do with the people she was usually surrounded with.

So even those who have friends may be missing something - something you can give them.

[darkw0rker]

I mean, look at how people make friends.

They won't make a friend with a freak. Too scared others may think that they are a freak too.

All these people look for friend is because of themselves. All those fake laughs and fake emotions, just for their own security.

Makes me puke.

You want to make true friends instead? Do NOT look for friends and be yourself. And then see who comes to you. See if he/she has any reason to be your friend. If not, then you have found your true friend.

This is not easy, that's why many people never find any true friend in their whole lifetime at all.

[Gdet9878]

What I have learned to do is just always think to yourself "what is the worst possible scenario that could happen if i approach this person and they think I'm weird?" Well the answer is they might brush you off, the moment is soon forgotten by them, chances are you won't ever see them again, and you just learn from your mistakes.

Don't second guess yourself. The longer you sit and think about approaching someone, the more of a chance you won't. Just do it, and if it fails then learn from the mistakes you made.

Everyone is looking for acceptance from everyone else just as you are looking for acceptance from them.

Just like many others said here, it definitely is a skill that can easily be improved if you stick with it.

Hope this helped

[Elfwing]

Freaks make friends with freaks.

Besides. Your real friends are still on their way, I promise.

[velvet1]

I would recommend going to workshops. I went to one recently, and it was so much fun. I made a lot of friends and also joining clubs are a great way to make friends.

[Eisho]

Originally Posted by oBakasan

Seriously, that's all I can say on the matter.

Three years after moving to a different country and breaking off with my Best Friends because long distance communication just wasn't rewarding, and I STILL haven't made a SINGLE friend. Nada. Not just a "good friend", but ANY friend. Not even some random acquaintance who would randomly call me for whatever reason. The only people who call me these days are my manager and people that I owe money to.

I even went to this damned Anime meeting a local University was arranging today but everyone just watched anime and didn't actually talk, so I ended up making no friends there. And I feel like CRAP! It's not even that I *want* to have friends, but that's the way the human bodies are hardwired. You either communicate with others, or you start feeling lonely and it affects your work. And I am feeling lonely right now! I have no friends, no one to talk to, no one to share with how I feel and just UGH.

I'm in a train home after the anime meeting and seeing all those people being happy together just made me more miserable (or to be precise it just showed me how miserable I am right now).

I do hate this kind of thing but it seems that I am just not able to go out and make friends like all the other people.

Which country are you in? Are you making an effort to break the ice? My experience in numerous countries is that people are very willing to engage in conversation and become friends. I went to a quiet bar last night and got chatting to a few people, exchanged emails with a couple of people and know that I am welcome back anytime I want to go.

Cheers,

Eisho