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| Emotional Mastery Emotional intelligence, addiction and recovery, grieving, loss, fear, anger, guilt, resentment, frustration, anxiety, depression, happiness, joy, love, kindness, forgiveness, self-acceptance, confidence, escaping the pit of despair, EFT |
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10-05-2008, 03:17 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 95
 |  Pointless
Hello. I was surfing the internet and what caught my attention was this interesting topic about not caring what other people think of you, and it was on these forums. I think this is one of my biggest problems in life, and also one of the things that drive me sometimes. I care too much about what others think, it is like I analyze every single thing I do and view it from the perspective of nearby people (even if it is someone who I see for the first time, I get some kind of anxiety because I unconsciously want to get approval from them). Rationally I knew this was entirely wrong, but I simply couldn't control my emotions... hell, I even read a book about NLP, but I never got to try any of the stuff because I thought I wasn't qualified or that it simply wouldn't work. Back to the topic I mentioned, some of the posters there agreed that to stop being emotionally involved or care too much about what others think of you, you must ignore both their possible approval and dissaproval. This would mean that you are entirely free from the opinion of others. But here's the deal... I am 18, and I've been trying to prove myself to others extensively in the past 6 or so years... but I always failed, and I think I could say that I was depressed most of this time. I always wanted to be considered great by my friends, to be a leader and strong personality people would follow. And I always imagined how being a rockstar, or rapstar, or even a charismatic politician would be. In the last 2 years I basically set a goal for myself to become a charismatic politician. I was interested in politics and economics and I thought this country could really use some improvement (it's a 3rd world country from the Balkans). I plan to study economics as well. And I figured this was all because I was seeking approval... pretty much all my ambitions were based on this. I wanted to be famous and to have a magnetic personality and to be a great leader of a nation, and this was all because of the ego. Since I am pretty much the opposite of what I want to be (I am probably one of the people my age that can socialize the least with acquitances or newly met people), I am depressed and tired of life most of the time. I also fail at pretty much everything that requires some kind of competition (say, online games, no matter how hard I try I know I can't improve). I could go on and on about things I hate about my life and me, but my post is too long already. Basically, I wanted to say that after reading the stuff on these forums about not caring about either approval or disapproval, I knew that was the end of me. I am too revolved around that stuff, and I think I am addicted to the feeling of being loved and getting positive attention, plus my goals in life are at least 60% built on this. But it's a flipside coin of course, so I get to be depressed and of course, shy, introverted, most of the time. I don't think I've met anyone new in 3 years. I am pretty lost now, and this has driven me to the point where I don't know what is the whole point of this. I don't see enjoyment in anything besides gaming (which I am frustrated about 50% of the time, too), and I only go outside when I go to school. I've lost faith in becoming a charismatic politician that will help rebuild this country, too, because if I try to stop caring about other people dissaproving me, I will have to stop caring about their approval, too, and then I won't have the drive to become one. It feels so great when you are in the center of (positive) attention, and people like you, respect you and want to be around you. It's even better when girls are in question. It's also great to have authority and a leadership personality, but in real life it kills me that I am seen as a confused guy most of the time. I used to get teased about it alot, too. It's just so... sad. I have friends, but it seems they don't care about me as much as they care about other friends. I always expect them to call me out on saturdays or after school, but that doesn't happen so often. The worst thing is, I have been suicidal for at least 2 years too, but I am too much of a wussy to kill myself. So it's really hell... I know I am not the only one having a hard time, that I might be selfish, but I only want to die... Last edited by BlackWigger; 10-05-2008 at 03:20 PM. |
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10-05-2008, 06:30 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: London, UK
Posts: 17
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Hey BlackWigger, Sounds like you're having a difficult time of it as a moment. It's interesting you set a goal to become a "charismatic politician" -- is that something you genuinely want to do, or something you feel you should do? What are your passions in life? What hobbies do you have? (You mention gaming, but I'm guessing there might be others too?) What subjects do you love in school? All of those might give you clues about what direction you want to take your life in. I hardly knew what I wanted to do at 18 -- like you, I was shy and introverted, and I felt that I didn't have many friends. I found it hard to reach out to people and let them see the "real me". I spent a lot of my time playing online games, and met some great friends (including my boyfriend!) like that. It sounds like you're a good person who wants to make the world a better place, and wants to please people. I can completely empathise with that -- and also with feeling depressed at times. If it's any comfort, I found college a MUCH happier experience than school -- I was finally surrounded by people who I felt accepted and understood by. Can you reach out to your friends -- invite them round after school, meet up on a Saturday? I remember being 18 and stuck at home with my parents and younger siblings on a Friday night, and I know it's not much fun. Don't think about killing yourself. You'd be depriving the world of everything you'll be contributing over the next 60+ years (and I believe you will be contributing a lot!) so you have no right to do so! ;-) You're not a wussy, that's the inner voice of reason stopping you. Take care of yourself. Look for your passions, and don't worry about pleasing everyone. Ali |
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10-05-2008, 08:50 PM
| #4 (permalink) | |||||||
| Banned Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 95
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See... this is what i meant by not being creative. I can't even come up with a name that someone won't find insulting :/ Quote:
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 Hobbies are reading up on those 2 and gaming. I see it as a big obstacle in socialization... I don't want to talk about my hobbies because they appear too boring and other people would immediately conclude I don't go out much and therefore not approve of me as much. I considered writing rap music, but I am not creative enough for anything like that. (I tried writing a song, and it sucked) I go to an electrotechnician trade school, and I could have gone to a regular high school, but I thought I was going to like this. I don't find any subjects particularly interesting... there was 1, but it isn't on last year. Quote:
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10-05-2008, 08:56 PM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,203
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You don't really want to die. You're just sick of playing a game you can't win. The game of "It'll all be Better Someday." You always think of what you're going to be, or what you're going to accomplish. But you never are what you want, and you never accomplish anything you find meaningful. I have news for you. Your unhappiness is justified. In fact, it is necessary. You've been chasing the future most of your life. Have you considered the possibility that it isn't there? That you've been taught a lie by people equally deceived by the idea that there is something in the future that is going to be better than what is right now. What does your experience tell you? Does it ever really get better? I bet you keep trying to emulate your popular friends or big politicians, thinking that there must be something about what they're doing that makes them happy when you so obviously aren't. The truth is that they aren't any more happy than you are. The truth is that they are pretending to be happy in the hopes that it will one day come true, just like you're doing. The truth is that you have nothing to learn about happiness from them. You are what you are right now, unhappiness and all. You're only discontent with that fact because you think that there is something better that you're missing out on. There isn't, and you're missing no vital piece. Last edited by The Cloud; 10-05-2008 at 08:59 PM. Reason: Because I wanted to. |
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10-05-2008, 11:01 PM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 213
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Blackwigger, Based on your posts I would recommend reading the following book: Think on These Things by Jiddu Krishnamurti He has some brilliant things to ponder very related to what's going through your head right now. Even if you don't agree with him it will cause you to think about many things you haven't considered. One thing that I really took from reading his books is to revolt against the popular tradition of trying to become someone, which seems to be plaguing you. Not striving to become someone doesn't mean you're not going to do anything. A few quotes: "what is important is to be inwardly very simple, very austere, which is to have a mind not clogged with beliefs, with fears, with unnumerable wants, for only such a mind is capable of real thinking, of exploration and discovery" "you can only think clearly when you are not seeking an end, a result, not trying to gain something." "there can be no freedom as long as you are merely trying to become somebody or imitate a noble example" "The moment the mind seeks security or gratification in any form, at any level, there is bound to be fear; and what is important is to be aware of the process and understand it" On another note, it seems like you have a good idea of where you want to go with your career at such a young age. If you continue to be motivated to learn a lot about politics and economics you will do fine. Don't worry about the charisma stuff at this age. If you're going to go to university just keep putting in an effort to be more social (without regard for how well you're doing at it!) and learning as much as you can about your studies and life. In future politics, the approval of the people will be based on your actions, your integrity, etc, not on whether or not you're worrying about their approval! A politician who gears his platform around approval ratings is garbage. You mentioned getting frustrated at gaming. Online games, in general, are won by people who play the most. This is NOT a REAL accomplishment, but can certainly seem to be, as it gives a similar feeling to actually accomplishing something. I have some friends who play world of warcraft, and it is amazing how stupid this game is. I know why people play it, because it is a much kinder world where conquering can be much easier than in real life, but it is not lasting or fullfilling and it never ends. And obviously it's just a big diversion from all other things that are going on in your life since it's so interactive Last edited by Jim11; 10-05-2008 at 11:20 PM. |
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10-06-2008, 01:46 AM
| #7 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Fukuoka, Japan
Posts: 348
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Cheers, Eisho | |
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10-06-2008, 09:34 PM
| #8 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 95
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Thanks for the responses... TheCloud, but what's the whole point of personal development ? I mean, if we can all just settle for what we have and not improve anything... I don't know, I always doubted the Indian philosophy and regarded it as smth that couldn't really be applied to this world so well. I mean, I don't want to lose all ambition, but I probably will if I try to get rid of the ego and stop caring about other people's approval or disapproval... there are 2 sides of a coin, one good and one bad. Eisho, if I would look for professional help, I would inevitably how to inform some of my family about it, and I don't want to do that. Oh, I forgot to mention that I found some relief in alcohol... but I dont get drunk so many times (I only do it with friends). It's so great when you are drunk... it's freedom. I wish I could feel like that always (or at least partially) Last edited by BlackWigger; 10-06-2008 at 09:42 PM. |
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10-06-2008, 10:10 PM
| #9 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Jul 2007
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10-06-2008, 10:56 PM
| #10 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Australia
Posts: 541
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If that was the case people like myself, the cloud, steve pavlina etc. would not be here. The fact is that we care (and you do to). That is why we talk to people and write our own blogs because we want to make a difference to society. We develop and care less and less about approval/disapproval and focus on just trying to help people! So cast away the coin of good and bad and do what you think is right. Accept the way the world is now and then try to make it better. Removing wants and desires you will discover a drive that is much greater, that satisfies on a deeper level and that is far less shaken by those people around us. You can make a difference and personal development can help you make it. | |
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10-06-2008, 10:56 PM
| #11 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,756
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If other people opinions are stronger than yours, probably you might need to love yourself a bit more. If you do not do that, you will be having no space for you. And that is a passive form of self-aggression, as you hit your self-esteem everytime. Love yourself and say no when you have to. If other people feel annoyed, let them feel like that, for they should not be close to you. You will start to meet people who do not pass that line. A line called respect. |
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10-07-2008, 06:28 AM
| #12 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 173
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Hello BlackWigger: My son, who is now 19, went through a period in his life two years ago, that was a lot like what you are describing. A number of things happened that eventually broke the depression he was in, so I feel you shouldn’t cash in your chips early, because what you are going through won’t last forever. In fact, when it’s over, it will amount to only a small fraction of your entire life, the majority of which is likely to be very positive. One of the primary things that improved my son’s life was time. He was young, and maybe unrealistic about how he thought others should treat him. He wanted to be seen as a hero, and wanted respect, and would sometimes go to great lengths to get it, which often ended up being self-destructive for him. One of the things he didn’t understand at the time was that it’s unrealistic to expect others to respect him simply because he wanted them to. He didn’t understand that his own behavior was very much a factor in how other people acted toward him. He would agree that other people shouldn’t be given great honor or respect unless they were someone who clearly deserved it, but he didn’t want to apply the same rule to himself. He focused too much on the result, and not enough on becoming someone worthy of the respect he sought. The irony of respect is that it comes to those who care more about the thing they did, than the mere getting of respect itself. To do great things simply because you want respect seems disingenuous, doesn’t it? Compare that to a man or woman that sacrifices themselves to a cause for the cause’s sake, and not for the respect they’ll derive from it. It’s the people that would have done it anyway, regardless of whether or not they were respected for it, that are the people that truly win the love of everyone. It's quite likely that you and I, nor the rest of the world, will ever know the world's greatest heroes, because when those deeds were done, no one was there to see. Later in high school, my son met a soldier who was visiting his ROTC class, who was wounded in combat, and some kind of important medal recipient. He talked with this soldier about his deeds in combat, things he did for his brothers in his unit, from which he never expected to survive, much less receive respect for. My son was a changed person after this experience. He now wants to enlist in the Marine Corps after high school. It took time, but he is now growing up with tremendous self-confidence, and is really committing himself to long-term changes for his character’s sake, not for what it will get him. He is respected by everyone in our family, even though he made some mistakes earlier in his life, because he turned himself around, and is a very genuine person. *Starman |
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10-07-2008, 08:18 AM
| #13 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 9,613
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Here is a thought experiment for you. Think of a few people whom you admire, respect or approve of. They could be people you know personally (eg a friend or relative) or someone you only know of (eg a famous politician, or maybe even Steve Pavlina). Now, ask yourself - has your approval / respect really benefited that person in any way? What good has your approval / respect EVER actually done, for that person? Probably very little, if at all. Now, flip the situation around. The simple fact is that if other people generally approved of you, that approval isn't worth particularly much anyway. What good would that approval do? People come, people go. Their approval and disapproval is transient. Your teachers, friends etc change through the years. The friends whose approval you now think you desperately need - bah, in 10 years time, you might not even remember their faces, let alone their names. In this lifetime, the person you spend the most time with is yourself. Therefore if you MUST seek approval, seek it first from that person. Yourself. Last edited by Acting Like Godot; 10-07-2008 at 08:21 AM. |
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10-07-2008, 12:20 PM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: NEW ENGLAND!!!!!!!
Posts: 1,701
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ALG.. I really like your post.. thanks blackwigger... The one thing that stuck out from your last post was the alcohol comment. Alcohol is extremely dangerous in your situation. DO NOT underestimate its power. You may feel good when you drink it and it does alter your reality, but its a short vacation and you always come back feeling worse both physically and mentally. The most insidious part of that is that it is a cumulative result. Very very easy to lose control with it. And it never makes you feel really good... ever. |
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10-08-2008, 11:42 AM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 95
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Meh, no matter how much I try to avoid the feelings i get when I think of what other's think of me, it never helps me. I get even more depressed later because I fail... On the other hand, getting approval is amazing... it's such a good feeling. It is like the only purpose of my life is to feel that like that all the time... self-confident, free and admired by other people. Starman, I don't want to be seen as a hero. I just want to be a perfect human being. Jarrod, by removing wants and desires, I would lose everything. Would be even worse than now. TheCloud, I have no idea who I am trying to be. And well, maybe alcohol isn't enough.. maybe drugs would help me more. |
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10-08-2008, 01:11 PM
| #17 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: UK
Posts: 53
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I'm not impressed. It's a little bit boring to find so many 18-year-old young men flailing around not knowing what to do with their lives, seriously lacking in self-awareness, thinking they deserve everything just because. Even worse, rejecting all very sound advice out of hand because they think they know better - despite the fact that they've come to this forum to get that very same advice because they don't know better. Grow up and get over yourself. | |
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10-08-2008, 03:08 PM
| #18 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2008
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10-08-2008, 05:16 PM
| #19 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Sep 2008
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STOP THE WORLD... I want to get off. It's what I got from your post. Man, it is really such a bad place our thoughts put us in. Like me, you're thoughts are killing you, have killed alot of you. Quote:
Failure is not a bad thing, it's not the end of the world type of thing... it doesn't define everything you are going to do or be thru out your whole life..you're 18 many changes will surely come in life for you still. There are 'people who see you as a confused guy' what's wrong with confusion...you CAN sort it out. Go ahead worry about what others think albeit it's a futile thing to do..you don't own their mind...you can't assume always what they're thinking. Is it a control thing? Do you easily judge others? My bf is into that 'gaming stuff' he loves it. He's good at it always wants me to try but I fail at it too but I just think it's fun none the less though. Just do it for the fun first off than for the control or having a winning or losing mentality. Quitting I think is the only true failure. A winner will never quit and a quitter will never win. And since failure seems to be your fear(monster) and knowing that you do have a drive in there somewhere..you do have the intense energy because you do seem to find it but waste it on focusing what 'others think.' So, I see you taking that kind of energy and refocusing ..driving that monster(fear) away instead(but only if you really want to). People will always have their perception on what they think or see when they look at us...Is it always right? Are YOU always right? Are you human? If you're not anything else, you're at least that.. | |
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10-08-2008, 06:55 PM
| #20 (permalink) | ||
| Banned Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 95
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For the record, I didn't say I deserve any attention... nor do I think that. I said that I suck and that's why I don't get any attention... I am just sad that it can't be corrected. See, that is the exact reason why I have self-awareness... I know I fail at pretty much everything and that it mostly can't be fixed. I don't deserve it and don't think I should just get it like that, I only want some... guidance so to speak. But I realized there is no guidance. After trying stuff throughout the last years, I realized that I can't improve myself much. Most of the people trying to help me here say stuff like "Just do it", like its easy to do (like controling your mind all of a sudden by ignoring these feelings - like I didn't try that already). For example this: Quote:
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10-08-2008, 07:24 PM
| #21 (permalink) | ||
| Member Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 55
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What you have and get here are words(advice) to read in order to try to help yourself or not to help yourself...this is almost the exact example of your mind and feelings..your feelings are giving your mind words to read..you make up your mind which ones are BOLD, highlighted and which ones are not! You suck and that is why you don't get attention, these are some of those feelings you've highlighted and bolded in your head? Quote:
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10-08-2008, 08:29 PM
| #22 (permalink) | ||
| Family Member Join Date: Jul 2007
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You just have one little thing in the way. Quote:
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10-08-2008, 09:18 PM
| #23 (permalink) | ||
| Banned Join Date: Oct 2008
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10-08-2008, 09:58 PM
| #24 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2008
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BW: You’re right about all of it. At a certain point in my own less than grandiose story, I too would have read the advice that I and others have given and concluded the same thing or something very similar. You’re also right about everything else too. If you believe all the things you say about yourself, then surely all of those things will be true for you. The great news is that this is true regardless of the story you tell yourself, which means in practice that you could, in time, begin to tell yourself a different story, one that leaves you feeling confident and empowered. I’m guessing you’re far more amazing than you give yourself credit for, and that’s perfectly alright. Cloud is right in one sense: no one says you have to be happy. You are free to be as miserable as you want to be. I know I am. In my experience, no one could give me a reason to live. I couldn’t find one no matter how much I searched. I had to give myself that gift. You are loved, BW. No matter what you do, live or die, you are loved! That wasn’t meant as a way of talking you from the ledge. That’s just a fact. Good luck my friend. |
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10-09-2008, 02:18 AM
| #25 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Jul 2007
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10-11-2008, 10:34 PM
| #26 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 95
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Last edited by BlackWigger; 10-11-2008 at 11:08 PM. | |
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10-11-2008, 11:23 PM
| #27 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Jul 2007
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10-15-2008, 12:50 PM
| #29 (permalink) | |
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10-15-2008, 01:06 PM
| #30 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Jun 2008
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Why don't you just stop worrying about what others think? It won't change your personality. Being depressed and suicidal won't turn you into a charismatic politician. Not everyone even LIKES the type of people you mentioned. I personally find rappers repulsive, a lot of people think rock stars are fake and gimmicky, and many people think charismatic politicians are lying snakes. You sound intelligent and ambitious enough, why throw your life into getting others' approval? That is very insecure. What would you do if you were gay? Or female? Or something people looked down on before you even had the opportunity to even TRY to get their approval? Why do you hold people in such high esteem? Are THEY rappers, rock stars, and charismatic politicians? Or are they just ordinary, obedient primates? Here's a parable: Once upon a time, an old man and a little boy were walking through the streets of India with a donkey. The boy was riding the donkey and the old man was walking beside them. Suddenly, they overheard people whispering, saying how awful it was that a poor old man had to walk while a fresh young boy got to ride the donkey. So they switched, and the old man rode the donkey while the boy walked. They came upon another crowd, and heard them whispering about how awful it was that a full grown man rode a donkey while a poor young boy had to walk. So they both got on top of the donkey. They found another crowd and heard them whispering about how awful it was for two healthy people to ride on top of the poor donkey instead of walking. So they both jumped off and walked next to the donkey. Again, they saw another crowd in the village that laughed loudly, saying how stupid it looked for two people to walk holding a donkey instead of riding it. Suddenly, the donkey broke out into a run and the two males chased him. The donkey slipped and ended up drowning in the nearby river. Moral of the story: if you try to please others, you will lose your ass! Go to amazon.com and type Might is Right in the search box. Read the first 6 pages of Might is Right, Survival of the Fittest by Ragnar Redbeard by clicking the Look Inside feature. Maybe that'll shake you. Last edited by CroMagna; 10-15-2008 at 01:08 PM. |
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