not a very fun birthday

[striving4peace]

I can't believe myself. I just broke down and cried. And why? Cos i turned 29 today (well yesterday technically, it's 38 minutes into midnight on the next day as I write this) and I didn't have a very fun birthday. And honestly I should be fine with it, cos it's all reasonable :
I didn't get a gift cos I asked my folks not to spend much on me as I already have every material thing I could need / want (am not very materialistic)
My friends were either outta town or busy with their families
I didn't plan anything with the few friends who were in town cos they aren't as close to me or nearly as fun to be with as my regular friends


Honestly I didn't even like turning a year older, as it only reminds me i'm still single, still not at my ideal fitness goals, still stuck in yet another dead end job despite working my ass off to educate myself further, I didn't even feel like celebrating.

I spent the going to temples (of the faith I'm from) in the morning, then flippin thru tv, buying lunch for my mom and sis, and then just generally getting bored at home. In the evening I was just eagerly hoping to at least meet my closest friend and her fiance and maybe redeem the evening by having some good times with them: but they had been travelling and partying the last two days and were dead tired and spaced out when I met them and had some depressing conversations about the worst birthdays and worst years of our life. They ordered in, ate, and then they felt sleepy so I left.

And tomorrow work starts again, and I have to start studying my usual 12 hours a day from which I had taken a break cos it was supposed to be my birthday but it was such a tragic waste as I barely had much fun.

My friends all promise me that this coming thursday they'll make it up to me soon by either meeting up for a big dinner (which I'll pay for), and my closest friend wants to plan something fun for me. But I'm trying to be all modest and accomodating and tell them that by then I'll be back into full swing studyin so might not make it.

This is all just a rant, I have it lucky, I have friends, parents - and good ones at that, my health, money, brains to study for an exam that will get me very very close to financial independence, a job that i'm good at and is a great stepping stone to much bigger things, my looks (i am kinda good looking and seem like i'm 20 years old)... etc etc
I know that it was upto me to have a fun birthday and do what I wanted.
I know it's my ego that expects me to have a fun birthday
I know my friends n family care a lot for me and think the world for me and what I do for them and they'd prbably give me anything I ask of them

I don't even know if I'm looking for some advice here. I guess I just wanted to share.

just felt this wave of sadness and anguish over wanting just a fun birthday at least this year, and not getting it again. Actually from the time of starting this post to right now, I feel better already. Thank you.

[striving4peace]

I guess I felt deserted and abandoned by my friends - or at least neglected. For not giving me the kind of attention and importance my ego seems to demand. I guess I was crying because I'm also lonley and that there's nobody in my life who is going to take the time out and make sure I have a great birthday or at least evening. everybody was off doing thier own thing.

[striving4peace]

And I guess a question u might be wondering is - what's my idea of 'fun'? It varies:
could be going for an awesome movie and dinner / coffee after, to drinking it up at someone's place and listenin to some music and trippy conversations, or just going partying at a disc that's playin great music... i have had loads of fun with people coming to my place and playing board games / watchin a favorite or new movie together... generally spending good times with fun positive people.

[WordKeeper]

This is the line that stuck out at me the most: But I'm trying to be all modest and accomodating and tell them that by then I'll be back into full swing studyin so might not make it.

The truth is your feelings were hurt. Don't try to cover it up. It is very reasonable and normal for your feelings to be hurt. You can learn more about what your needs are by owning them than by denying them.

When I first read the line I highlighted above my thought was that HERE is what is at issue. For some reason you feel the need to pretend to be modest about the whole thing. Why is that? Somewhere you got the message that it is better to not need people to celebrate with you than it is to be the center of attention and have people take YOU to dinner rather than having to buy your mother and sister's lunch or your friends' and your own birthday dinner. Don't play a martyr, it is YOUR birthday and it is normal and reasonable to hope to be and want to be feted for the day or even a few days later.

Yes - it does seem a little selfish that your friends couldn't drag themselves out to celebrate with you but it also seems that you were caught between wanting to NOT need to celebrate and WANTING to celebrate and that is where you got caught.

The big lesson here is that you must get in touch with what you really want and be honest and open with yourself about how that conflicts with your "ideal" of what you are "supposed" to want.

I suspect I hear a bit of real concern and real fear about next years birthday. I'm with you. I got was separated and getting divorced and living 700 miles from home when I turned 30 and I fell into a terrible place of bitterness and because I felt I "should" take what befell me rather than identify what I really wanted and go after it. - 20 years later it is very, very clear. I wish I had said to myself, "I'm sad about where my life is but I'm going to DO something about it and not wait around for my family and friends to get it right." Don't wait. Get that group of friends together and celebrate. Figure out a way for someone to buy your birthday dinner. Invite a friend who has a sense that that is the thing to do. Go after it. Don't be passive. I'm paying the price and doing it differently now.

You deserve a celebration - even if it isn't on your real birthday. But you sat back and waited (passively) for family and/or friends to come around - but they didn't. Don't give your control away!!! Celebrate - because you deserve it - even if you have to plan it yourself!!!! I promise - you will be glad you did.

I'm just going to repeat this - you have an internal conflict and it is very, very important that you figure it out. It is not conscious - it may be subconscious or unconscious but it will continue to control you at important times if you don't identify it and resolve it. You can do it. Good luck.

[Call me Boges]

I dont care about birthdays

[striving4peace]

You're right about the conflict part word keeper.
One one hand the birthday's just a reminder of all the failures / things I have yet to achieve in my life and therefore not really a cause for celebration. But at the same time I am almost always giving life a 120% effort to try and improve it. Heck, the last 8 days have been holidays in this part of the world and I spent 7 of them studying 12-15 hours a day so I could pass an exam I'm giving on the last week of the year. I just wanted one day of fun to help me blow of some of that steam too.

Yes, I waited for my friends and family to come help me celebrate. Because I'm there for them - buy them dinners, lunches, gifts and spend time with them and pick them up when they're down, and though I try and subscribe to the idea that I should not hold expectations (spiritual concept) it's hard to control expectations that rise in the subconscious.

I agree to an extent with what you say - do not give them control. But there are few people I would really have loved to celebrate it with and they weren't there for it and I am trying not to begrudge them for it because thier reasons were valid.
But my point is - i believed cannot celebrate without them. I could not call them cos they were not there ON that day. And though I said to myself - maybe i'll celebrate it on another day - in my heart I knew that wasn't gonna happen cos I was too accomodating and also because I don't want to waste another whole day instead of dedicating it to studying. I guess I should have done what that small voice inside of me said in the morning: lets get another season of Star trek on DVD and some snacks and have me an awesome star trek marathon on my home theater system. I didn't really need anyone else for that. But having been isolated with my studies for the last couple of weeks when everybody else was out freaking out made me want to have fun through socialising. And as you said, it's normal to want to see some close buddies who you'd do almost anything for, and have some fun with them as part of your celebration.

And this is where I come to the point which "Call me Boges" brought up - I'm gonna take a long shot and say - this isn't really about birthdays. It's about the balance and reciprocation of efforts in relationships (friendships in this case)

And regarding the internal conflict - yes, I'm a little torn. I should come to terms that I'll never have that perfect life so I shouldn't keep it as a pre-requisite for celebration. Or I should reach the goals I have set for myself before my next birthday so the issue doesn't arise again.

Sigh, as with each problem in life: solve or accept. It's so much easier to solve, but it's a much better and more permanent solution to learn to deal with it.

[NightSpirit]

Hey, rant on. We're not killing any trees here. No one did anything for my most recent birthday either when I turned 50, except my boyfriend. I told everone not to make a big deal and I really meant it at the time. But then I ended up crying about it when they really didn't do anything so I understand what you're feeling. I spent the day thinking, "If my mom was here, she would have made sure I got a party whether I wanted it or not." Like you, I couldn't share my disappointment with my family because it would have hurt them. They were only doing what I asked.

I lost my mother just before my birthday and I think my family (and maybe me too) thought a party would make me miss her more. Not having a party really did make me miss her. Birthdays were a BIG deal with her. This is kind of cute to think about now but it wasn't cute to me then. On her 65th birthday, her last healthy one, she sent out her own invitations and scheduled the party a full two weeks before her birthday because she couldn't wait.

It's a hard lesson but I will tell you that birthdays are kind of like weddings and graduations. People take their cues on those occasions also about how much to do and celebrate by how important the people involved think it is. That is good to know so when that happens for you, you can let your joy overflow and expect some celebrating instead of being modest.

I know I will not let another birthday go by without at least buying myself a gift and a special dinner. I will probably do more than that and throw myself a party like my mom did. It's still close enough to your birthday for your friends and family to understand if you say you changed your mind and you really do want to have a party. They do say you should count your life not in years but by the number of people you love, aka friends, so at least celebrate that.

I always wondered, until this last birthday, why old people could be so happy they were getting older but now I know. One of the first things an old person will tell you is how old they will be and when. Their happiness is not just because they have avoided death another year. It's that over time they have learned to love themselves and come to know, like you and I have found this year, if we don't think our special day is important enough to celebrate then maybe no one else will either.

BTW, Happy Birthday!

[striving4peace]

Thanks guys. I'm also really grateful for having a place like this forum where I can ask for advice from some really nice and wise people.
I think it would really, really cheer me up if I took your advice and at least bought myself a nice gift - something I'd enjoy a lot. And yeah, I may mull over the decision a little more, but I'll make some time to throw a dinner party for my friends next weekend or the one after. And yes, lesson learned well - I'm gonna ensure I celebrate birthdays from now on and not pretend that I dont want to have a nice fun time on the one day that is supposed to be mine.
Hopefully if I pass that exam in december, the big 3-oh will be a huge party anyways.

[Froztwolf]

Start planning your 30th birthday today. Plan it in detail and not just the party. Visualize what you want to have accomplished by then. How will you look if you reach your fitness goal? What job will you be in if you have your way? What will your ideal relationship status be like? See the dream birthday in as much detail as you possibly can and take a few minutes every day to think about it.

I guarantee that you will feel better throughout the year and get better results in every area if you do this

[Parthon]

Hey striving, I could be way off, but I heard something underneath your post. I think that beyond your ego, your true self wanted to honest connect with others, and be cherished and cherish others. To be there with friends and family and just to tell each other how much you mean. There's no shame in crying over that.

I wanted to say though that could it be your ego that got in the way of that. I hear you telling people it's okay not to get you gifts, and not to throw a party, but why? Why would you seperate yourself from the love of your friends and family?

Perhaps you could get some insight from looking at the reasons why you chose not to have a birthday?

[striving4peace]

Froztwolf, that's a great great idea. I can't tell you on how many levels something like that might help me. It could so help change any negative perceptions i have about turning 30, not to mention help me manifest and attract a couple of things.

Parthon, I guess concsiouly I knew everybody cares for me and I didn't think I needed people to shower gifts and throw a big party to let me know they did. And truth be told, I don't care about gifts and parties - as long as I got to spend some time having plain ole fun. I reckon earlier on a sub concious level and now conciously - If it wasn't gifts and parties, i wanted some sign of showing me affection - even if it was just showing up and having a cup of coffee and a laugh with me - I wanted thier time of day for my day of the year... Thank you for saying that you feel there was no shame in crying about this. Yeah, there is another insight about me not wanting to have a birthday - I didn't think I deserved one, because many a times I don't even like myself - self acceptance has been a problem I've been struggling with and working on.

[Holistic Star]

Happy 29th Birthday!

[striving4peace]

thank you!

[Parthon]

Originally Posted by striving4peace

Parthon, I guess concsiouly I knew everybody cares for me and I didn't think I needed people to shower gifts and throw a big party to let me know they did. And truth be told, I don't care about gifts and parties - as long as I got to spend some time having plain ole fun. I reckon earlier on a sub concious level and now conciously - If it wasn't gifts and parties, i wanted some sign of showing me affection - even if it was just showing up and having a cup of coffee and a laugh with me - I wanted thier time of day for my day of the year... Thank you for saying that you feel there was no shame in crying about this. Yeah, there is another insight about me not wanting to have a birthday - I didn't think I deserved one, because many a times I don't even like myself - self acceptance has been a problem I've been struggling with and working on.

Yeah, that's the tricky part. The undeserving part of you sounds very much like your ego, it will always try to pretend to be perfect to hide the fact that it is flawed. In reality though, everything is perfect, flaws and all. The ego though does get in the way of wholesome relationships. I don't think it was bad to say no gifts and no parties, but creating other avenues for others to treat you to a birthday treat would have been better probably. Some people can't express themselves except in a small variety of ways, and limited them puts them off balance and they don't know how to react. Your friends really do care about you and wish you the best, but they just don't know how to show it some times.

Lastly, there's a huge difference between knowing people love you and experiencing it. Even if you have experienced it in the past, and remember, it still can't compare to the reality. I think you just really want to connect with your family and friends again. I'd say set some plans to do just that.

[Calvan]

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

Happy 29th Birthday!

HAH! that was too cool!

Happy birthday from me too Striving!

[striving4peace]

Thanks Calvan!

[funchy]

I think you are looking too much for happiness from your friends & family. True happiness must come from within.

You need to change your outlook. Practice being grateful. Appreciate what you do have, not what you wish you had.

[striving4peace]

Agreed. Conciously.
We're still all human funchy - i didn't expect that i'd take it hard till i did.
We want what we want. Ego, desires, these still exist under the hood.

And by your logic, aren't all relationships redundant? What one looks from a relationship might be different: maybe the ideal thing to look from friends and family is 'experiences that better you', and I do - but another thing I think it is ok to look for is "sharing happiness and joy" - which also happens to be the definition of the word "celebrate".
While this thread has explored my ambiguity in wanting to celebrate, even if i wanted to - my friends weren't there. Moreover if I had difficulty in deciding, they could have given the benefit of the doubt and helped me out. Because that's another thing about relationships - helping one another.

yes, all that i have listed - these are expectations. But my point is that expectations are part of the protocol of relationships.

True happiness should come from within - yes. Am I happy in life? By today I have returned to my normal happy self. The 29th birthday is gone, and now all that is left is that I am giving my all on the track to making my 30th a damn big reason to celebrate without hesitation - with or without family and friends.