I can't see hope in anything.

[newuserint]

My life in few words, i'm a 20 years old guy, been exposed through a high level of stress since 12, i'm studying college but i took a break, to threat my anxiety, stress and fears.
Right now i'm kinda of calmed down but the past 2 days have been like hell for me (actually the last 8 years but i have survived), i live with my parents and they are so worried about me because i have suicidal thoughts, i don't get to see any life purpose, i feel i won't be able to get back to college.
I feel somehow i can affect my family about this hole i feel i'm in, because my parents have not done some regular things they do, to be taking care of me.
I'm really desperate i feel i won't be able to keep it, i really don't know what to do( i actually do know, but i feel those things won't help me cause i have made them before and right now i'm so a mess), my psychiatrist medicated me prozac but even that stress me because i have read some posts about prozac bad effects and i really don't know what can make me have hope.

[Ecce Homo]

Hi Newuserint. Thank you sharing your struggle with us. I imagine you're going to get some great answers here. I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for years. When it finally dawned on me that I was actually planning on committing suicide, I knew that I had to find a way out, either through death or through life. I chose life. One of the first things that really helped me was to start looking for things in my life to be grateful for. I know, if you're like I was, you probably figure you've heard that before, it's trite, etc. At the time, I also figured that I had nothing left to lose, so I tried it. Consciously practicing gratitude turned out to be the start of a major shift in my thinking and thus my life. Try posting one small, tiny thing that you can be grateful for, as a beginning. It might help.

Remember, you are loved!

[Illumination]

I don't know about the level of stress you've gone through, but I have also had been experiencing intense level of stress for prolonged periods of time - longer than I felt I could take, perhaps.

I'd recommend you to read Dale Carnegie's "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living". Basically, I agree with what is brought across - we start to feel drained and lose our sense of purpose for Life when we worry too much.

Truth is, many people get too anxious about tomorrow, and feel too regretful about yesterday that they forget sometimes, it is the present that really matters.

And it is unwise to live like that. Because yesterday has passed and no amount of regrets will allow you to undo anything; Tomorrow is too far away and beyond your control. You can plan, but things can change.

So you have to learn to live your Life in the present. From morning till bedtime.

Sometimes, our anxieties and regrets overshadow our deepest dreams and passion for Life. So you've got to find that back.

Good luck!

[MINDLESS15]

Right now i'm kinda of calmed down

What helps you calm down? Like Ecce stated, try listing something you're grateful for..for starters you have a(your) family(that is key). I'm 34 I haven't had a family since I was 7. It's extremely hard for anyone to find what helps the ill thoughts and 'stress' and the sickening worries that get us into that 'hole.'

Only you know what has happened inside you and only you know the degree of this 'stress' you talk about but from seeing what you've said about you here as well is that you have it in you to take on a strong view on a focus point. The fact that you made it to college(albeit you're taking a break) that is a great thing. You realise what is bad in you, realise what is good too. The HOPE is that you are concerned enough about yourself to reach out, that you know something is wrong(has been wrong) that you're not alone and also that you have it in you to get through it all, you have as you say survived the last 8yrs of hell. The saying goes if you're going thru hell...just keep on going.

I found this site because I too found myself at my wits end. I'm tired and sadden by the overwhelming feelings of that 'hole' I found myself in.. it's a horrible place. What I'm finding is that I'm discovering what's down in this hole, what is really scary about it and what really isn't and what all is down here with me as well.

Take tiny steps to keep getting to where you find yourself calmed down as you said. If you can, take naps. A nap always helps me.

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by newuserint

My life in few words, i'm a 20 years old guy, been exposed through a high level of stress since 12, i'm studying college but i took a break, to threat my anxiety, stress and fears.
Right now i'm kinda of calmed down but the past 2 days have been like hell for me (actually the last 8 years but i have survived), i live with my parents and they are so worried about me because i have suicidal thoughts, i don't get to see any life purpose, i feel i won't be able to get back to college.
I feel somehow i can affect my family about this hole i feel i'm in, because my parents have not done some regular things they do, to be taking care of me.
I'm really desperate i feel i won't be able to keep it, i really don't know what to do( i actually do know, but i feel those things won't help me cause i have made them before and right now i'm so a mess), my psychiatrist medicated me prozac but even that stress me because i have read some posts about prozac bad effects and i really don't know what can make me have hope.

The same exact thing happened to me in college at age 20. Same exact. I got depressed due to things that happened when I was 12, I became depressed and hopeless, attempted suicide, had to leave university, wasn't sure I'd be able to return.

Here's what I did and it worked:

1. Immediately went to a nearby crisis center. Services are paid for by the county.
2. Told them I was suicidal and depressed
3. Told them I feared that the drugs might make it worse
4. Was prescribed Zoloft and Risperdal
5. Took both meds EVERY SINGLE DAY WITHOUT FAIL
6. Also saw a therapist at the center weekly and saw the psychiatrist weekly
7. By then I had quit smoking, was neatly dressed, and had gotten a job. I felt like my old self again, only much better!
8. Applied for Medicaid (Pharmacy Assistance) which made meds much cheaper
9. Let them refer me to a cheap local service with a psychiatrist and a social worker
10. Gave my dean at school a letter from my therapist stating I am able to return to school and would continue therapy and medication while in school. Was readmitted.
11. Found a good cheap social worker who taught me to accept myself and who I am, and avoid disempowering people or ideas. Exercised regularly, ate healthy food, and took yoga classes.
12. Read books to find myself and motivate myself. Not just self-help, but religion, philosophy, etc. Researched different religions and philosophies to find a suitable one.
13. To put a final nail in the coffin, read up on the reality of suicide, ask Enki or Erki in this forum if you want the low-down. It's FAR WORSE than you are currently fantasizing about.
14. Now listening to motivational speakers on youtube each morning.

Graduated and earned my BA. I'm now very happy and look forward to each day.

Make SURE you pick a major that is commensurate with your passions and JOBS that await you in the real world. Be EXTREMELY SERIOUS about what classes you choose so that you are not just wasting your time and money taking interesting-sounding classes and fulfilling requirements. But don't take classes so hard that you will flunk. If you're in doubt, then go ahead and take the easy interesting classes because you're better off with a Bachelors in Basketweaving than no bachelors at all, trust me. Regardless, go to the career center at least once a week (seriously) and take career assessments and personality tests to find your passion. Get a job BEFORE graduating unless you have definite, specific plans to go to grad school (or work at McDonald's).

This will take weeks and months. This does not happen overnight. You HAVE to be easy on yourself and love yourself.

[Stephen]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

The same exact thing happened to me in college and 20. Same exact. I got depressed due to things that happened when I was 12, I became depressed and hopeless, attempted suicide, had to leave university, wasn't sure I'd be able to return.

Here's what I did and it worked:

1. Immediately went to a nearby crisis center. Services are paid for by the county.
2. Told them I was suicidal and depressed
3. Told them I feared that the drugs might make it worse
4. Was prescribed Zoloft and Risperdal
5. Took both meds EVERY SINGLE DAY WITHOUT FAIL
6. Also saw a therapist at the center weekly and saw the psychiatrist weekly
7. By then I had quit smoking, was neatly dressed, and had gotten a job. I felt like my old self again, only much better!
8. Applied for Medicaid (Pharmacy Assistance) which made meds much cheaper
9. Let them refer me to a cheap local service with a psychiatrist and a social worker
10. Gave my dean at school a letter from my therapist stating I am able to return to school and would continue therapy and medication while in school. Was readmitted.
11. Found a good cheap social worker who taught me to accept myself and who I am, and avoid disempowering people or ideas. Exercised regularly, ate healthy food, and took yoga classes.
12. Read books to find myself and motivate myself. Not just self-help, but religion, philosophy, etc. Researched different religions and philosophies to find a suitable one.
13. To put a final nail in the coffin, read up on the reality of suicide, ask Enki or Erki in this forum if you want to low-down. It's FAR WORSE than you are currently fantasizing about.
14. Now listening to motivational speakers on youtube each morning.

Graduated and earned my BA. I'm now very happy and look forward to each day.

Make SURE you pick a major that is commensurate with your passions and JOBS that await you in the real world. Be EXTREMELY SERIOUS about what classes you choose so that you are not just wasting your time and money taking interesting-sounding classes and fulfilling requirements. But don't take classes so hard that you will flunk. If you're in doubt, then go ahead and take the easy interesting classes because you're better off with a Bachelors in Basketweaving than no bachelors at all, trust me. Regardless, go to the career center at least once a week (seriously) and take career assessments and personality tests to find your passion. Get a job BEFORE graduating unless you have definite, specific plans to go to grad school (or work at McDonald's).

This will take weeks and months. This does not happen overnight. You HAVE to be easy on yourself and love yourself.

This is one of the best posts I have EVER read on this forum.

Absolutely fantastic effort my friend.

Peace and Respect to you.

[arena2]

hey newuserint,
I am also a 20 year old guy, going through major depression like you. I actually just posted a thread about my situation with losing my mom in 06 and her being an alcoholic my entire life, while dealing with constant fighting and her leaving my father when I was 5 and not telling me about it. I had no idea where he was for two weeks and I sat on the stairs and cried my eyes out for days.

But I am here now and I wonder how I got here sometimes. I often compare myself to others and everyone else seems as if things are better, and I have it the worst. This all often leads to deep depression. I know I don't have it the worst but it just gets that way to me some times.

I have a big problem with depression also, a very big problem and I am completely against meds, but I am here to talk to you. I have been realizing over the past few months that this is something that can be overcome. It’s hard for me to say that because I still have my days (today being one of them) but it’s honestly is controllable. You need to just friggen think of something you like to do, something that will make your thoughts..., even if so minor and miniscule, begin to feel positive.

I don't even know what else to say. I can explain why I won't take meds though. Meds, just the thought make me feel depressed. I don't even take Tylenol for a head-ace. I feel that we were graced with this human mind that still is pretty much a mystery, therefore we can overcome anything with our mind and make ourselves gain control of what our problems might be. It is all a mental process. If you make yourself think a certain way for a long time then you certainly will become what you have been constantly thinking about.

I have phases all the time with depression. The last time I had a major breakdown was when I joined this forum and explained why I was depressed, and I still do get that way sometimes. The key thing to think about here is that it is ok sometimes, but you need to just force yourself in that moment, fight yourself in your mind, tell yourself "whatever" and that your gonna get through it. And make sure to remember that there are people who love you out there. I in the deepest moment of depression start to think of how many people care about me. Who loves me? Who would show up at my funeral? As ridiculous as that sounds. And then start to realize that you are just lost in this tunnel of complete B.S and depression. and you can start to think positive and feel somewhat better. There are so many people that care about you its ridiculous. It may not be apparent because they can't always be there in front of you but it’s certainly understandable.

This post is getting to long for me to even read, but really know that things will just end up ok. I don't know how you’re currently feeling but I think it’s cool that you went as far as to join this forum and post a thread, just as I did and now we sort of know a little about each other. Do whatever it takes to make yourself feel better, and always think positive, even when you think it’s dumb to think positive, because eventually you will think positive. This worked for me several times and I did nothing but read about it on other threads here. Life is an awesome experience and it is only once so do your best at pushing forward in a positive manner. Come to this forum and post your thoughts just like you did, read about others, and remember to never give up. I am even feeling better after typing all this...but regardless be, think, do, live positive.

-Jon

[TonyToneTone]

Originally Posted by Stephen

This is one of the best posts I have EVER read on this forum.

Absolutely fantastic effort my friend.

Peace and Respect to you.

I agree. That was a beautiful post and I take my hat off to you CroMagna.

I would recommend following in Cro's footsteps as he/she has been in your shoes and done something positive.

BTW, please don't do anything to hurt yourself. There are people who love and care about you. Just look at all the people on this forum who are willing to help you out. I would seek immediate outside help as there are qualified people out there to help you.

[CroMagna]

Thanks guys! How flattering

[4lovinangels4me]

hi i just wanted to post a hi and let you know i need some guidence in my life im tired of feeling crappy and that i just wish i could die to get over these feelings...

[TonyToneTone]

Originally Posted by 4lovinangels4me

hi i just wanted to post a hi and let you know i need some guidence in my life im tired of feeling crappy and that i just wish i could die to get over these feelings...

Please also take CroMagna's advice. We are here to help you!!!

[NightSpirit]

Just wanted to encourage 4lovinangels4me and newuserint. A lot of us have had the feelings both of you describe at different times in our life. At the time it feels like the loss of all hope but the feelings do usually pass with time.

For me the depressing thoughts became like a habit, like a knee-jerk reaction to any stress or frustration. The thoughts didn't always leave when the stress left. It's kind of hard to explain but I realized I had to stop giving so much power to my thoughts, to try and control my thoughts instead of them controlling me.

When the thought would come, "Why don't you kill yourself?", instead of adding another negative thought to it, I just let it pass, didn't really fight it, just ignored it. I deliberately tried to think thoughts of hope, of any little thing to feel good about, the love of my family, small things I enjoyed doing, even if it was just free time to take a nap.

Whether it was me that changed or my life that got better, I really can't say for sure, but I think it was more me changing the way I looked at things. I think it's important to always have something in mind to look forward to that you can make small steps to every day. Put money aside even if it's only a dollar or so, for something new or a new experience or to give to someone who doesn't even have food to eat but who wants to live.

I am Christian and once, at a really dark time, a preacher spoke these words of Jesus over me as a blessing, "Behold He makes all things new." and I could just feel that cloud of despair lifting and I knew some new things were coming. New things are always coming; the nature of life is that things are always changing. This is what I hope God does for both of you, from the book of Isaiah 43:19 "I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert."

Even if you don't believe in God, and a lot of people on these forums don't so you would not be alone in that, please take hope that people have cared about your pain enough to consider their response and throw you some hope through reliving their own pain and to show you the way they got better.

The advice of CroMagna is particularly practical and you can do a lot of those things without having to feel better first. Hoping for the best for both of you.

[4lovinangels4me]

I will take your guys advice it is hard though. I also got to thinking that i should just smile if i feel bad. I do have a psychiatrist and a therapist but it is not that easy to let them know what is going on because they are an impartial person. THey dont see what goes on at home. Thanks for listening to me. I am not going to kill my self today

[newuserint]

Thank you all for your replies, i feel happy to tell you im much better now, i entered a motivational course here in my town, that helped me a lot, basically taught me to accept myself as i am, feel the joy in every little thing, be kinder with every person in the world, they taught me the phylosophy of winning-winning, that is meant to always try get the best for you and also the others, or what would be not to perjudicate the others in your acts, because what you give is what you get.
Right now i'm eating my 3 meals a day and somedays 4 or 5, i entered gym for gaining weight, i'm going 3 days a week.
I feel really enthusiastic about life, and i know there will be always things that will make me doubt, but i'm ready to face them and never give up.

PS. All this i'm telling you without the help of any antidepressants.
Not saying nobody need them, but to tell you that is possible without them

[NightSpirit]

That is such good news, for both of you. Thanks for the update. A lot of people are not so considerate.

[cedars]

Possibly getting your attention off of yourself and your situation and intently focusing on someone or something else pulls attention units off "me" or "mine" and relieves the tension that has built up over time. Then going into action with someone/something else as the "project" and daily doing an excercise as follows: If you are sitting at home in the den/living room, put your attention on a light/lamp; fully acknowledge the lamp, then deliberately move your attention to another object and acknowledge the object. Do this slowly and DELIBERATELY with full recognition of the object. Be sure to make clean breaks of attention between objects. This works well outside also because you can locate items very distant and very close to you. Do this for at least enough time to start feeling a calming effect on your spirit. Then it may be possible to better control you focus.
Thanks for all the great posts that really reflect love and caring for the world around us!