Letting go of feelings for an ex

[catalyst]

My long term gf left me for someone else. Someone who is very successful, with more pedigree. It's been devastating. I've been through a lot in life, but basically we spent all our adult years together. I'm still reeling from this, even though it's been around 4 months now. I still wake up missing her, and feel as though I could never replace her.

Even though she betrayed me in the end, why do I still feel love for her? I'm not sure, but I didn't ever hold back. I'm trying to be a man, and not let this get to me - but it's colored everything I do. I know now that I had found meaning in life through her, and that was my mistake to depend on her so much. Nothing seems worthwhile now. I know that I need to work on becoming a better man, but I feel as though I'm damaged emotionally. I need to find a way to get over this.

Since the break-up, I'm obsessed with self-improvement, but it stems from this feeling that I need to prove something. I know this is silly, but I'm having a hard time dealing with this. After she left me, my self-confidence shot through the floor. I'll have bouts of strength, but like a balloon, it soon depletes.

Any advice on getting through this hump? I can't live my life like this...

[throughout]

My heart goes out to you!!! It is the hardest when you make the other person your life and all of sudden they take that away from you. I've gone through the same thing and it seems that I'll always have some sort of feeling of loss here n there but there are ways to get around it.

You need to know that one day it won't feel like this but no matter what other people tell you, you need to make sure you want to hear it and actually use that advice. People can tell you all sorts of things to help you out but if you dont yourself make the effort and bring about a different mind-set then you will get stuck. This will happen at your own time because not everyone is ok with shreading their walls and accepting they are truly alone. You can only work together something better once you get rid of your ego and whatnot.

With my situation, I use to always get angry and didnt understand how all this could happen. I really want him to apologize and deeply feel that he has done something horrible to me. I needed a apology to set me free and I guess you are looking for a way to prove that you are better than that guy she got as I was trying to prove that I am right and he is wrong.

That may never happen so you need to just look at your relationship and what has happened to bring it to an end as if nothing was in your control. Where you left your efforts, God stepped in and took care of the rest. It is just karma. When I look at it like that it helps me just deal with the pain, cry it out and then release those feelings from my heart. I don't want to be one of those people who linger over a relationship for a really long time. I always found people like that to be sad so I dont want to see myself as someone who is sad. I dont want to miss out on my life anymore because now its time for something else. Not necessarily another person, but just another me.

I dont know if this helps you but maybe this will: You should know that almost everyone on this earth goes through this and we all feel the same emotions. Some get past it sooner than others and all that just really depends on how you want to handle it. I couldn't let go of him even though he left my life so I stayed sad and angry for a while but once I realized that I am just really scared of letting go because than I'll feel really alone I just decided to go ahead and braven up to it. Maybe you should invision a time when you dont feel sad or miss her. Maybe you should just work on getting the pain out instead of trying to prove anything because it is normal if you are losing your self-confidence. All tht will come back once you have worked through that pain.

I hope this helps you!

[Alison Jenkins]

So sorry to hear that you are feeling so low after the break up. Have you been able to reflect about your part in the relationship and what went wrong. Maybe you had no idea that things weren't going well. Some people fail to communicate and instead choose to walk rather than talk.

It seems like you are trying to be like the person she left you for. That person is human and has faults too. We all have lots of good qualities so focus on those too.

Can you arrange to go out for some fun with some friends. That may help you feel a little better.

Alison

[estudiant9]

Dear catalyst,

The most important thing is believing that it will get better. Probably not tomorrow, next week, or next month. But there will come a time when you look upon all this with little sadness or bitterness. I promise. I had faced this situation myself approximately two years ago. It was the most painful period of my life by far, and I briefly contemplated suicide. And it was the most important experience of life - my life's journey since then has given me so much depth as a person and appreciation for life I otherwise would have never developed.

I know now that I had found meaning in life through her, and that was my mistake to depend on her so much.

I know exactly what you mean. And no, it wasn't your mistake. You did what made sense to you according to your logical paradigm. You did the best you could. Do not blame yourself even for a second, and every time thoughts of self-recrimination or anger come up, actively dismiss them from your mind. Feel the pain that comes with them, but don't identify yourself with it, because it's nothing to do with who YOU are in essence. It's simply the way your mind and emotions are conditioned. We subconsciously expect today to be the continuation of yesterday, and when some outside force prevents this (such as a break-up) we violently resist it.

You're probably someone capable of abundant love, yet you do admit that this relationship has turned into one that served as a buttress to your sense of self. Treat this like you would treat any other serious addiction (alcohol, nicotine, etc.), because that's exactly what it is. This is what set me onto a course to recovery. Delete any and all evidence of her existence from your life. Get rid of all her pictures, gifts, notes, emails, EVERYTHING. And burn them or fiercely destroy them if possible. If not just get rid of them. You are going to feel an intense craving for them. Let the period pass, because it will.

Take not just good, but terrific, care of yourself, physically, mentally, spiritually. Eat the best food you can afford. Try a new diet (Mr. Pavlina can more than help you with that ). Start/ante up a physical training regimen. I recommend something cardiovascular or yoga, something that makes you pay attention to your breathing and body. And this really, really helped me: try natural antidepressants. Taking high-quality fish oil helped me a great deal. Shoot for around 1g per day. It's something you should be taking anyway, but it makes a huge difference.

Read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Now there's this craze going on about his latest book, but I read him way before all the hype started and his message is a profound one especially for one who is suffering and on the brink of deep disillusionment. Pay particular attention to the section on enlightened relationships. Re-read it multiples of times.

I wish you the best of luck. I'm not going to be all preachy and tell you to count your blessings and sing for joy about all the things that you still have without this girl. It's okay that you're pissed as hell. It's okay if you feel hurt, emasculated, even less of a man. I felt all these, and I'm telling you you will get over them. Four months? You're the head of the class; it took me 14 months to feel really okay with myself. Two years after, I look upon the experience not without a twinge of hurt but primarily with appreciation and bewilderment (How could I have taken it so hard??).

Sincerely,

JP

[catalyst]

I really appreciate all your replies. I realize there is no easy way, and I must face my fears and accept where things are now, no matter how painful it is.

Throughout: Thanks for sharing your own experience with me. It's definitely the most difficult time of my life. I know I'm being petty by comparing myself to her new man, but at times I feel more than willing to devote my entire life just to prove that she was wrong. It's crazy - I know.

Allison: I've done a lot of reflecting, and I know that I bear much of the responsibility. I don't know the new guy, but he seems to be Mr. Perfect. I suppose I should be happy for her, but it's hard when we had a commitment to be honest and loyal to each other.

Estudiant9: She was so much a part of my life, that basically almost everything I have is associated with her. She was my other half. I'm so stunned that she could do this to me. I know I need to grow as a person in order to get over this, and I will. I have no choice. The silver lining is that I now feel as though I have nothing to lose. Strangely, this is empowering.

[Alison Jenkins]

Well I can tell you with 100% certainty that he is not Mr Perfect. He may fulfill the areas you were not able to but he will have down falls in areas that you were good at.

Would you like to share what areas you felt responsible for? Maybe it was not all your fault, maybe this is something you can work on. Remember what one person dislikes another may love.

Alison

[ar81]

Originally Posted by catalyst

My long term gf left me for someone else. Someone who is very successful, with more pedigree. It's been devastating. I've been through a lot in life, but basically we spent all our adult years together. I'm still reeling from this, even though it's been around 4 months now. I still wake up missing her, and feel as though I could never replace her.

Even though she betrayed me in the end, why do I still feel love for her? I'm not sure, but I didn't ever hold back.

I once was betrayed by the girl of my dreams. We had 3 years together and I was thinking about marriage.

1.She made an unethical decision. It is not your fault. Do not blame yourself. Life will teach her that it was bad, at most you need to forgive to set free from sorrow, and go on with your life.

2.Normally, detachment involves 1 year. During the first 3 months you want to go back together, 3 to 6 you hate her and every woman in the world, 6 to 12 months you start to accept and anxiety and sadness become nostalgia. However, since she left it may take longer.

3.Being cheated harms selfesteem. Love yourself. There is no one with "more pedigree". More money perhaps, more fame perhaps, but it does not guarantee happiness. You may not seek for love if you do not love yourself. You are as worthy as any other guy, it is a shame she did not know that. Shame for her...

[catalyst]

I went out and bought the book "Power of Now" as suggested by Estudiant9. I read it all in two days. I was an amazing read. I felt that the last chapter, on surrendering, really hit home. Thanks for the suggestion! It is one of the best books I've ever read.

Since then, I've been trying to really focus on being alert and 'watching' my thoughts when memories of her start to flood in, but most of the time it's as if I have no defenses against those thoughts. Mostly, I recall good memories of her and I, but now they are haunting, because it reminds me of what I lost.

I want to just accept the pain and surrender to it all. I am so desperate to feel better, but I suppose I am not a machine, and it will take time. I don't want to be someone who carries the burden of the past all through life. I want to become a better and stronger person, and I'm determined to make that change.

[NightSpirit]

It's times like these when it's most important to be your own best friend. The way you do this is by being extremely kind to yourself, especially in your thoughts. Treat yourself and talk to yourself like you would any other friend who had been betrayed and was hurting. Say something like, I know it hurts but you're doing great and it will get better.

Instead of thinking in terms of what you have lost, what have you gained? Is there anything that you hated doing because of that relationship that you won't have to do anymore? Are there friends that you lost contact with or hobbies that you didn't have time to pursue? As bad as it is, a house, two cars and a couple of kids would have made it a lot worse. And having been caught in a couple of off again/on again break-ups with wishy-washy people, I know a clean break is sometimes a blessing.

I know it hurts to be alone but to get involved in another relationship before you can appreciate being single again will only make the new relationship seem like what saved you and then the fear of it failing too may become paralyzing.

As long as you love yourself you will always be loved. The feeling of oneness we get sometimes when we are in a relationship is somewhat of an illusion. All relationships will end some day so it's important to know this and be a peace with yourself as an independent person. You may never bond so completely with someone again but you will love again.

Lean on the people that do love you and make an extra effort to show them your love. We sometimes isolate ourselves too much and feel so alone when we are hurting. Letting our family and friends love us and getting concerned about being sure our parents and siblings, friends and even strangers know that we care about them can help get our minds off the pain.

I don't know your spiritual beliefs but I believe God never leaves us and will comfort you if you ask. I heard a man say once that he was so in love with a woman and thought she was the one. But when the relationship ended, as good as it was, he knew God had something better in mind for him. It wasn't long until he met his wife and their relationship was far better than the last and above anything he could have ever dreamed. I hope that is the way it goes for you and that one day you will be thankful that this one ended to make you available for a better one.

[RLF]

catalyst - man I know how it feels and I do share your pain and thoughts. 1994-1999 doesn't seem like a long time but I shared so much with my x girlfriend and have many regrets I always feel the need to fix...but I do still to this day carry memories and feelings of her. 10 yrs later.

We had such a nice "how we met" story.

I learned to think about the present as soon as I think about her but then i hear stories about my friends re-uniting or marrying their high school sweetheart and the memories come back.

We weren't in highschool at the time nor did we go to the same school but she feel like my soul mate.

As I write this my wife is in the other room.

[catalyst]

Thank you for the kind and wise words NightSpirit.

If there is anything that I gained, I feel as though I've become more conscious about life. I have been running so hard and for so long, to be the person she wanted me to be. I was chasing material wealth and status, because I knew how important this was to her. I really lost myself, and now I feel as painful as it is, I am regaining my own sense of self. My own presence.

I really appreciate all this support from all of you who replied. I can see from your replies that there a lot of wisdom and experience in this forum. Hopefully I can learn from this so I too can help others when I'm over this.

It definitely is true that we all need to learn to love ourselves and not rely on others to feel complete. That is my goal now.

[throughout]

Originally Posted by catalyst

I went out and bought the book "Power of Now" as suggested by Estudiant9. I read it all in two days. I was an amazing read. I felt that the last chapter, on surrendering, really hit home. Thanks for the suggestion! It is one of the best books I've ever read.

Get the other book by him called "A new Earth". That one will help you out also. It will let you feel peace more than u do now. And believe me, if you can feel that peace you can get over this.

[throughout]

Originally Posted by RLF

catalyst - man I know how it feels and I do share your pain and thoughts. 1994-1999 doesn't seem like a long time but I shared so much with my x girlfriend and have many regrets I always feel the need to fix...but I do still to this day carry memories and feelings of her. 10 yrs later.

We had such a nice "how we met" story.

I learned to think about the present as soon as I think about her but then i hear stories about my friends re-uniting or marrying their high school sweetheart and the memories come back.

We weren't in highschool at the time nor did we go to the same school but she feel like my soul mate.

As I write this my wife is in the other room.

Wow! You are putting yourself in a weird place. The wife you are married to, is she not comparing up to your xgf?