Feel completely alone in this world | Avoidant Personality Disorder

[Karim]

I'm a massive avoidant, I avoid social interactions with people in general, I've lost contact with all of my friends, I don't know if I were to call them if they would be gald to hear from me or not.

I spend all my time in front of the computer making money from my website, I've graduated in Accounting and Business Management but have no aspirations of getting into that field, because I've been fired from 2 jobs out of the 4 jobs I've ever had. because I was so anti-social and avoided talking to people at the office.

In fact I'm lucky it's not 4 out of 4 jobs that I got fired becuse 2 of the times the managers drove me away and made me resign from bullying.

I've come to the stage where I've realised I can't go on living like this, I need to take drastic action in order to gain control of my life, my avoidancy is killing me, I don't know what it is.

Before I initiate conversation I always hesitate and think if I'm wasting their time or something, and during the conversation in my head I'm always thinking whether the other person likes me or not, usually it tends to be more negative and I always screw things up because in my head I'm thinking I need to do something interesting to get them to like me. Which untimately leads to failure.

I want to do something, and God knows I've tried, I've gone out to clubs to meet people for a long time, but it got me nowhere, I've joined salsa class to meet women, and ususally during the dance the girls ususally like me, but afterwards I'm can't strike up a conversation. I've also joined the gym but for the year IU've been in the gym I haven't made a friend there at all.

I really need some help and guidance here right now, and was wondering if you guys can point me to the right direction, also if there are any avoidants out there I would really, reaaaaaaaly, reeeaaaaally like to hear from you, and find out how you are dealing/dealt with this problem

Karim

[Angela]

My goodness, Karim, you need to start telling yourself a new story! Believing you have a disorder? That sounds like it would be a great story to let go of!

Welcome to the forums, and I hope you get all kinds of value here, and give it, too. You are not alone; we are with you.

I would like to recommend a book to you: Money and the Law of Attraction: Learning to Attract Wealth, Health, and Happiness.

The money part is great, but the later sections are about relationships, and the whole stinkin' thing is all about how our thoughts actually manufacture how we feel, and have your life occurring for you the way it does. I think if you take advantage of some of the advice in this book, you may find yourself feeling a little better right away, and feeling like you're in an upward spiral.

I also highly recommend doing the Landmark Forum and Advanced Course -- these courses transformed me from being the shyest person in the world to being, well, the least shy person in the world! Avoiding! Feh! When I was younger and *suffering* from shyness, I could have taught the WORLD about avoidance! And now look at me: I'm an Expunger.

[ar81]

Angela is right.

We all have a disorder until we bring order to chaos.
Disorder at home is just an example of cleaning up, just like in our minds.

My bet is that you are telling yourself "I am a disorder" instead of "I have disorder".

If you "have flu", what do you do? Heal.
If you "have a car" and you do not want it? You sell it.
If you "have garbage" in your house? You dump it.
If you "have a disorder"...

I used to be horribly shy, until I realized that shyness was not me.

[SMS]

I am same kind of person like you - Karim..

I felt that I do not have my own choice of thinking.. I don't know what I want and everybody seems just take this advantage..

Angela - I realy interested in Landmark Courses.. but I believe they only operate in US ?

[SMS]

Sorry.,.. I found a Landmark office in my area..

[ar81]

Originally Posted by SMS

I am same kind of person like you - Karim..

I felt that I do not have my own choice of thinking.. I don't know what I want and everybody seems just take this advantage..

Get close to those who love you, get away from scum who take advantage of you.

[Calvan]

Call your friends you lost contact with. Some may not want to restart a relationship. Same may. Either way it won't matter because you will either have a relationship or know you have to look elsewhere.

I exhibit avoidant behavior. I have all my life. Sometimes I am fine with it other times I fight it. I sometimes force myself to talk to people who are obviously being friendly even when my first instinct is to make an excuse that Im busy and get the hell outa there asap. It helps a little because it mitigates the feeling that I am completely and utterly anti-social.

Check out the other threads here about Social anxiety disorder and the like. Someone mentioned using the neil Strauss book "the game" to help learn to talk to people. Granted its a pickup artist book but the same guidlines can be used for shy people to learn to talk to anyone. I actually came across another book of his called "the rules of the game" and it turned out to be a step by step manual with daily tasks and excercises. It says not to read it it all at once and just read each task the day you do it. So I havent really read much of it but it seems like it might be just the ticket. in any case I dont think it can hurt. Good luck bro/sis.

[Karim]

Hi I posted the above when I fgelt really down, the next day I felt a bit better or "a bit normal" so I sort of drivted away from feeling sorry for myself, and forgot about this.

Today I feel the same way, I was at a family gathering full of people I didn't know, I felt so shy, and vunerable, I felt like everyone was trying to make fun of me or something (very paranoid for some reason), and it's really messed with my head.

Throughout my life I've gone through this up and down motion, I seem to always fall back into this negative state, and it's only when "s**t hits the fan" when I start to take a little action, and then when the pain goes away temporarily that I stop caring about it.

It's a sign that I really need to get this sorted for the Long term, and this quick escapes just won't do.

I am chasing up a landmark course, I've browsed around and a friend told me there's a similar course called essence foundation,

The difference between them is that essence is a more nurtureing approach, more loving and caring.

Landmark is a more aggressive, masculine approach. very emotionally detached, but seems to be effective for more people.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Karim

Landmark is a more aggressive, masculine approach. very emotionally detached, but seems to be effective for more people.

Yes, that sounds right to me. "Detached" probably isn't the right word, because there's a real sense of pulling for each other in Landmark. I remember one girl didn't come back after lunch one day, and all 100 of us were so concerned about her we didn't want to continue without her... we all wanted to go out looking for her to make sure she was okay! (It turned out she was overwhelmed by the course, which is a bit mentally rigorous; she came back and was really glad she did.)

But I can totally understand how some people would be more drawn to a kinder, gentler course than Landmark.

[Karim]

Thanks for the recommendation Angela I really need to check it out myself and draw from my own experience I guess.

Landmark is going to have all sorts of reviews some will be remarkable, some will be very bad. Given that it's dealing with some very vulnerable people.

Some of my "impressions" of the course where tarnished by a certain site (which I will not name or point to because I feel it's a very biased and unfair view), as I don't want others to get these negative thoughts into their heads. I need to get on a Landmark/Essence course urgently, because I'm sure I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, and have something seriously impinging in my beleif system that's torturing me right now.

I've read all these self-help and positivty books in the world, some of them were helpful to a negligable extent, but I think what I need is a thrd party/parties to give me perspective, and show me my blindspots. Be it a psychiatrist or a group of people to share with such as in Landmark.

Karim

I'm hopeful and confident that there's a lot of good to come out of such a course.

[Angela]

Karim, whether you choose Landmark or any other course or method, I don't think you are the kind of person who is in any danger of having the sort of experiences some of those folks complain about -- you know, the "They brainwashed my best friend and turned her into a zombie!" rants that come up for any personal development course.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and will recognize crap if you come across it. I look forward to hearing what direction you go, and what comes up for you in freeing yourself of any limiting beliefs!

[MissK]

Hi Angela,

I feel very much like the OP. Do you mind giving me a little more info about your landmark experience such as how shy you were, around what age did you attend, which landmark course did you take (i went on the site and there is a long list of them) and how exactly do they do the forum or your experience with it. I didn't really see a description on the site that clarified if you'd be doing hands on exercises etc, because hands on learning is definitely what i need (or prefer). It doesn't have to be a long drawn out description just some basic info i'd really appreciate.

I have this calling (which has to come from my higher self because my ego can hardly fathom it) that i am a leader, speaker and performer, meant to help and connect with many people. The sooner i change my mind about my ability with people the sooner ill be able to effectively live out my purpose.

[Angela]

MissK, I did the Landmark Forum and Advanced Course, one right after the other, a few years ago -- I think it was 2001. Shy? Boy, was I shy. For the first part of my life I was agonizingly, horrifically shy to the point of hiding myself away, and in my early teens I learned how to "fake" being confident so that I could function. I became the sort of person who seems outgoing and confident, but I didn't really enjoy parties or dating; I always had one foot out the door.

The evening the Advanced Course ended, I spoke in front of a group of around 300 people, I was magnificent, and I could find no trace of shyness anywhere in me. It had disappeared. The next evening I went to a party where I knew no one, and it was the most fun social event I'd ever been to -- I was completely engaged and enraptured by every person there. And dating! Wow. All of a sudden it was so much fun! There is no more pretending what I want to be -- I am just being it.

The Forum (the first weekend) you sit in a room with a hundred or so people and you listen to a leader speak, and you also do a LOT of speaking/listening exercises with whoever is sitting next to you. If you want to, you can stand up at the microphone and work with the leader directly, which is great because you get some incredible one-on-one coaching! But it can be pretty confrontational to get up there if you're shy, so I didn't do it. You don't have to, because simply listening to the people who do is an amazing source of insight for yourself -- and you usually then turn to your partner sitting next to you and talk about what is coming up for you both.

The Advanced Course is the best personal development endeavor I've ever undertaken. Just astonishing. I wish everyone could do it. So inspiring, so much fun, so valuable! It's much more participatory (you can't just sit and listen this time -- you have to talk; but the good news is that a lot of the reticense had already disappeared during the Forum) and there's also more... I don't know what to call them... like, exercises you do with other people that go far beyond just talking and into the realm of immediate benefit and insight. One of my favorite ones was "Being With" where you're paired with someone and you spend a few minutes being with them, not moving or reacting or speaking, just being. Doesn't sound like much, does it, but it was remarkable, and in fact, changed my life and the way I look at people. At first I thought I would croak when asked to "be with" someone -- most of us did!

The hardest part for me was that they ask you to call the people in your life right then and there and inspire and invite them to participate, and that bugged the hell out of me. It turned out to be one of the biggest sources of breakthrough for me in my life -- that bugging thing. And I learned a really quality "No" in there -- I learned how to say, "I'll pass!" or "No, thanks" without feeling any residual negativity. I was able to get the value out of the courses without feeling like I needed to be a marketing tool for the organization. That skill translates very well to other areas of my life!

I also did a couple of 10-week seminars including one on sex and intimacy that paved the way for me to have a romantic relationship with Danger Man that would have been impossible without the breakthroughs I learned in there.

I haven't participated in any of their courses in years; you don't have to. The value you get you can drop or re-use at any time in your life, like riding a bicycle.

I know there are some "gentler" courses that many people love, but for me, the toughness was really a great thing to get through my thick, resistant skull. I resisted the whole time! That's what I was! A resister! And now who I am is connection, freedom, and joy.

If you want to be a leader, a speaker, and a performer, I think you would find this is a perfect place to unleash those desires on the world and really hone and inspire yourself. Let me know if you have any more questions.

[ar81]

Yesterday I was really down.
I found that I was down because some biochemical reaction in my brain told me to be like that, because there was no reason to be down.
So I enjoyed the day, knowing that the world outside is bright, only clouded by a silly biochemical reaction that tries to cheat me and convince me that world is dark.

[MissK]

Wow Angela,

You've got me very excited about the Landmark forum. I see they have them a few times every month here in New York. I am definitely signing up for one in October. I cant wait. Ill let you know how it goes. Thanks so much for taking the time to describe it to me!!

I'm 21 now and i am really so ready to create a positive difference in my life and that of others. This site has made a definite contribution as well as some aspects from religion, life and a lot of self help books and articles. It really has been an exciting journey and i feel as though this can be a definite bridge to the next level i am trying to achieve. So thanks for the introduction!! Enjoy your day.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by MissK

Wow Angela,

You've got me very excited about the Landmark forum. I see they have them a few times every month here in New York. I am definitely signing up for one in October. I cant wait. Ill let you know how it goes. Thanks so much for taking the time to describe it to me!!

I'm 21 now and i am really so ready to create a positive difference in my life and that of others. This site has made a definite contribution as well as some aspects from religion, life and a lot of self help books and articles. It really has been an exciting journey and i feel as though this can be a definite bridge to the next level i am trying to achieve. So thanks for the introduction!! Enjoy your day.

That's wonderful! You will be asked to phone people in your life during the weekend course, and if you need someone to call, maybe you'd like to keep me in mind? I'd love to hear what comes up for you during the weekend.