HELP! My 3 y/o controls my life!

[angelairene]

My little boy resently got taken into custody by DFCS. (see related thread)
He was returned and the judge insinuated that they went a bit overboard.
I am glad he is back, but it has opened up all kinds of issues.

Issues on control.
I am frustrated because the new rules around here have made my "job" a whole lot harder.
I know some of you are saying "Its called responsibility!"

But the event has put a whole new twist on our everyday lifes. I dont think the new rules make him any safer. Because if he wants to run away, he will find the opportunity. I cant watch him every second.
He was right under my feet so much before this, now it is so much worse. Its worse because, even if he wanted to give me a break, I feel like I am not allowed to leave him alone.
I'm going crazy! and I dont know how to take back control. He orders me around and demands what he wants. Every scheduled event is met with determined opposition. I feel like such a failure. It is hard to accept because I had visions of being the perfect mom.
I think just talking about it is helping. I am relieved to know that I am not alone. I am open to critisism and comments, but especially advice.
Thanks
Angie

[ar81]

He can only win if you allow him.
Manipulation is natural in kids.
But they cannot win over an adult.

Indeed it is advised for parents and teachers to enforce rules like a sargent, but also provide care like. Rules bring kids a sense of safety and certainty about reality. If you fail to enforce rules while you are present, you will be harming your son.

Kids are smart and they can fool you. But if you are smart they will fool you one time only, and the next you will be reacting to neutralize their tricks.

Since you will be playing mom and dad at once, you need the care of a mom, and the authority of a father/sargent. But even if you are a sargent you must let your kid to understand that if he breaks the rules, the sargent comes up. It is not your decision, but kid's decision if he breaks the rules or not.

Tell your kid that you won't stop loving him, but if he breaks the rules, rules will be enforced. I have done lots of research on gangs and kids that have problematic lives as I have been an activist in my spare time, doing some social work in poor communities. Consistency in enforcing rules is very important.

Rules enforcement will work better between 3 to 7 years old. If you have an untamed kid within that age, I could also pass you some nice non-violent tricks to use boredom instead of physical punishment to enforce rules.

If kid is a teen, there are 2 extra tips:

1.If your kid is a man, teach your kid about choosing his friends. If he picks bad infuences, he will be in trouble, no matter how good a mom you were.

2.If your kid is a gal, be a trusty friend of her, to prevent your kid to get in trouble. Research done in California some years ago showed that girls whose mothers were not their friends, had lots of problems. In was on TV news, so unfortunately I do not have the link.

[carenkh]

I don't believe in rules or punishment - especially for a child that seems as strong-willed as yours! First: remove all possibility of escape. Put locks up high on doors, etc. Some three-year-olds NEED to have an adult around them at all times -- it's called parenting. I *know* it's hard, but - you chose to bring this child into the world. The more connected you can be now, the better things will be in the long run.

If you're interested in non-coercive parenting, here are some great resources:

Welcome to Consensual-Living.com - Home Page (there's an e-mail list where you can ask for support for your situation.)

Scott Noelle - Parenting Coach and Writer I've been on Scott's e-mail list for a while for the "Daily Groove", it's VERY inspirational and thought-provoking. I also met him this weekend and got to spend some time with him. Highly recommend his stuff.

Naomi Aldort's Authentic Parent Community Forum

Unschooling United

The Natural Child Project - Celebrating attachment parenting and unschooling since 1996

I know that's a lot! I wanted to give you a variety, so you can see which ones resonate with you. Click around a bit - when he's sleeping! LOL - there will be other links to follow.

It hit me hard when I recognized that *I* am responsible for my children, and I need to be there for them as much as they need me. I wonder now: what was I thinking? That they'd just be little automatons, quietly sitting until I was ready for them? That's not how connected, aware parenting is! And our kids will let us know that!! They are the messengers and way-showers. You have a little zen master living with you. A loud, defiant zen master.

[ar81]

Punishment is not the trick.
The trick is to discourage undesirable attitudes with negative reinforcement.
Such reinforcement do not need to be punishment.

Once I had a girlfriend who had a 3 year old kid.
He was very smart and manipulative like a normal kid of that age.
I was passed a tip to correct his behavior, since this kid used to be a small warmonger and he punched his older brother in the face and bite his mother when he was not allowed to do something.

You put the kid in front of a wall for 10 minutes. No radio, TV or any entertainment nearby.
You explain that it happens because of what he did was wrong.
Kid will try to set himself free but you will hold the kid there with your hands.
He will try to yell, scream, use force to set himself free, but you do not allow that.

If kid misbehave too much you will warn kid about the fact that if he persists in that behavior, an extra minute there will be added.
After those 10 minutes you explain kid that you love him, but if he chooses to misbehave again , he will go to the wall again. It is his decision, not yours.

If he misbehave at the supermarket or at a time when yuo do not have 10 minutes, you will tell the kid that he will go to the wall when you are back home.

This 3 year old kiddo was a tough one at the beginning, but it only 3 times to go to the wall to correct his misbehavior. And after being there he will behave for the rest of the day. Boredom is a great negative reinforcement.

The good thing is that kid learns about responsibility: "If I do this, that happens" so he becomes aware about cause-consequence. And it is a non violent measure, but it is more effective than physical punishment. His mom tried physical punishment and failed before I did that and she felt guilty and she did not correct him after that, so his misbehavior became a nightmare for her.

If he does not misbehave, there is no need for that. And the wall is reserved for extreme misbehavior. The rest of time you may play mom and provide care and hugs. But if kid misbehave, consistency is needed, he will go to the wall.

Now this kid is a great guy at school.

[angelairene]

Originally Posted by ar81

He can only win if you allow him.
Manipulation is natural in kids.
But they cannot win over an adult.

Indeed it is advised for parents and teachers to enforce rules like a sargent, but also provide care like. Rules bring kids a sense of safety and certainty about reality. If you fail to enforce rules while you are present, you will be harming your son.

Kids are smart and they can fool you. But if you are smart they will fool you one time only, and the next you will be reacting to neutralize their tricks.

Since you will be playing mom and dad at once, you need the care of a mom, and the authority of a father/sargent. But even if you are a sargent you must let your kid to understand that if he breaks the rules, the sargent comes up. It is not your decision, but kid's decision if he breaks the rules or not.

Tell your kid that you won't stop loving him, but if he breaks the rules, rules will be enforced. I have done lots of research on gangs and kids that have problematic lives as I have been an activist in my spare time, doing some social work in poor communities. Consistency in enforcing rules is very important.

Rules enforcement will work better between 3 to 7 years old. If you have an untamed kid within that age, I could also pass you some nice non-violent tricks to use boredom instead of physical punishment to enforce rules.

If kid is a teen, there are 2 extra tips:

1.If your kid is a man, teach your kid about choosing his friends. If he picks bad infuences, he will be in trouble, no matter how good a mom you were.

2.If your kid is a gal, be a trusty friend of her, to prevent your kid to get in trouble. Research done in California some years ago showed that girls whose mothers were not their friends, had lots of problems. In was on TV news, so unfortunately I do not have the link.

I would like those toddler tips. I put him in his room. I'm somewhat disabled (in addition to being 44) and didnt have what it takes to do the time-out chair.
Would you happen to know how to quote a segment, instead of the whole message? I hit the multi-quote button and nothing happened. I tried highlighting.
Thanks for the advise
Angie

[angelairene]

I hit the multi-quote button and nothing happened.

Got it!! the old copy/paste thing.

[angelairene]

Originally Posted by carenkh

I don't believe in rules or punishment - especially for a child that seems as strong-willed as yours! First: remove all possibility of escape. Put locks up high on doors, etc. Some three-year-olds NEED to have an adult around them at all times -- it's called parenting. I *know* it's hard, but - you chose to bring this child into the world. The more connected you can be now, the better things will be in the long run.

If you're interested in non-coercive parenting, here are some great resources:

Welcome to Consensual-Living.com - Home Page (there's an e-mail list where you can ask for support for your situation.)

Scott Noelle - Parenting Coach and Writer I've been on Scott's e-mail list for a while for the "Daily Groove", it's VERY inspirational and thought-provoking. I also met him this weekend and got to spend some time with him. Highly recommend his stuff.

Naomi Aldort's Authentic Parent Community Forum

Unschooling United

The Natural Child Project - Celebrating attachment parenting and unschooling since 1996

I know that's a lot! I wanted to give you a variety, so you can see which ones resonate with you. Click around a bit - when he's sleeping! LOL - there will be other links to follow.

It hit me hard when I recognized that *I* am responsible for my children, and I need to be there for them as much as they need me. I wonder now: what was I thinking? That they'd just be little automatons, quietly sitting until I was ready for them? That's not how connected, aware parenting is! And our kids will let us know that!! They are the messengers and way-showers. You have a little zen master living with you. A loud, defiant zen master.

Thank you. this is the support I need.
Living in this environment has me hanging in limbo. I dont believe that they are good role models, yet I let it happen anyway. Ive been pulled so far off my center. The center that I worked for years on. Coming home, Ive become a coward. Afraid to do anything that;'s contrary to the way its always been.
i'm a coward, sitting here waiting for peace to find me in a tornado. Knowing (theoretically) that I must learn to find peace where ever I am. but i do nothing for fear of making waves. Cuz these days, a wave sounds like a piercing scream.
I am still unwinding from that whole thing, when DFCS took him for 5 days.
I am finding lots to appreciate from it all.
I will look those sites up later, thank you.
Angie

[angelairene]

Thanks for the tip. I will try it.
already some things are working for me. I'm learning that it only takes a few times to reinforce a new rule. He is starting to smile at me during his protests. I guess he is proud of me. or maybe its because I'm not mad, just unbudgeable.

[ar81]

Originally Posted by angelairene

I would like those toddler tips. I put him in his room. I'm somewhat disabled (in addition to being 44) and didnt have what it takes to do the time-out chair.
Would you happen to know how to quote a segment, instead of the whole message? I hit the multi-quote button and nothing happened. I tried highlighting.
Thanks for the advise
Angie

That won't work. If he has something to be entertained, it will not work. The trick of being before the wall is that there is nothing entertaining in being there. Locking in his room is not like boredom, but like a cell or prison.
You might want to ask for some help.

A 3 year old kid should not be so strong to break free from an adult.

Originally Posted by angelairene

Thanks for the tip. I will try it.
already some things are working for me. I'm learning that it only takes a few times to reinforce a new rule. He is starting to smile at me during his protests. I guess he is proud of me. or maybe its because I'm not mad, just unbudgeable.

Yes. The trick is not to relate reinforcement with emotions. Upon a certain action reinforcement comes. It is a decision of the kid, and you are only enforcing the rule. Don't let yourself to feel guilty for that can be used by the kid as emotional manipulation to evade his responsibility. I think you are doing it right.

I think he smiles because he is a poor actor during his protests, hehe.

[Marth]

Dang girl you are my new hero!

[Pegasus]

angelairene,

Have you ever watched the television show Supernanny? It comes on Wednesday nights on ABC (I think sometime in October it will air on Fridays). She is very loving yet firm and demonstrates techniques that really make changes in families' lives. I recommend watching a few episodes. She is very inspiring and creative in coming up with solutions to common parenting issues.

[carenkh]

The issue I have with SuperNanny is she rarely, if ever, takes the child into consideration. She pushes cosleeping parents to force their children to sleep alone, she doesn't take the child's viewpoint into consideration. Very, very conventional parenting: what the grownup says, goes! I'm living a life very different from that, as are most of my friends - we treat kids as if they are *gasp* actual human people, capable of thinking for and expressing themselves. And guess what? When you treat them that way - they are!

When a child is acting out, they are calling for connection and attention. Putting them against a wall isn't hearing what they're asking for. It might get compliance in the short term, but in the long run, a part of them will feel neglected and dismissed. Ask your gut - and your child - what do they need? When every scheduled event is met with determined opposition - stop scheduling so much! Find alternatives. Take your child seriously.

How often are you truly, genuinely, present and engaged happily with your child? I don't mean you're half listening to them while you do other things, or you're grumpily sitting with them; I mean fully present and centered and finding joy being with your child? There's a LOT of growth that happens when you make that your goal.

[JimOfferman]

If you ask me, that SuperNanny show is all about teaching bad parents bad practices to control -not raise- their children. I would not let that woman within a hundred feet of any child of mine!

[ar81]

Originally Posted by carenkh

When a child is acting out, they are calling for connection and attention. Putting them against a wall isn't hearing what they're asking for. It might get compliance in the short term, but in the long run, a part of them will feel neglected and dismissed. Ask your gut - and your child - what do they need? When every scheduled event is met with determined opposition - stop scheduling so much! Find alternatives. Take your child seriously.

This is why you use the wall when kid is out of control only.
It is a measure to teach limits and resposibility.
But if you have a 3 year old kid, you normally may not need more than 3 to 5 times in his entire life.
And it is more effective than physical/violent punishment which leads to fear, not conviction.

Once kid is in control, you can hug him, give him attention, and start communicating more effectively.
Giving attention when he misbehaves, will teach that misbehavior leads to attention.

It is better to teach the kid that attention is given when he communicates without misbehavior.