Adult seperation anxiety?? Help

[summer67]

I'm so glad I found this site an hope you can help me with my problem. Hopefully, I'm posting in the correct area. My problem is that I am dealing with seperation anxiety and I am 41 yrs old. Its so embarrassing to me and I'm not sure what to do about it or where it comes from. It started really bad in my 20's. I moved to the US from Canada on my own. Now whenever I go home to visit or family visits me I start getting upset weeks before I or they leave. Its gets so bad I avoid seeing family because it is torture for me. I know its to do with negative thoughts but I just cannot control them. I've tried thinking positive but does not help. Now I know it makes absolutely not sense
and as soon as I leave and am in the plane etc I am just fine!! I have tried to think back to my childhood to see what contributed to this. I was very close to my family and they travelled alot. My grandmother lived w us growing up but I always hated being left home. Pls help.

[Alison Jenkins]

I can identify with you. I went to boarding sch at 13 and used to suffer with severe anxiety when it was time to go back. I was very traumatized by the situation and whenever I said goodbye to anyone I would think they would die and it was the last time I would see them. It just reminded me of boarding sch. This went on in my 20's and whenever it was time to say goodbye I would become really tearful no matter who it was.

Gradually I began to see that time after time I experienced this but nobody died, so began to think about dealing with the situation if it happened. I've just said goodbye to my Mum again today and you know what I've just realised the thought didn't even go through my head. It takes time though and gradually those negative thoughts go.

What is it that you didn't like about being left alone at home? Did something happen or did you fear abandonment?

Alison

[summer67]

Glad to hear I am not the only person to experience this. I googled it and found nothing. My mom told me as a child (and I remember too) that I would pretend to be sick everytime they went away on vacation. As I got in my teens I was fine and went to college 4 hrs away w no problems. Then as I got older and went farther away it started again. Its so embarrassing and the dread I feel about those few moments of leaving is horrible. I feel sick for days/wks in advance and I know it makes absolutely no sense!! Thats whats so frustrating. I know its the negative thought process and at times I can just stay above it and be fine. Then hrs later it hits me again. Its not that I worry about death but its how I act-like someone is dying. It ruins my time w family. I wish I had a simple way to resolve this. Its good to talk to someone about it who understands. I thought I read it has something to do w self confidence but I've always been confident and a positive thinker.

[summer67]

To answer your question I don't remember fearing anything. I'll have to try to think back. Nothing happened. How can I resolve this? Could it have to do w anxiety? I have had a few episodes of anxiety over the years.

[ar81]

Did your mother left you alone when you were a baby or young kid? Did you feel abandoned? When was the first time you felt that?

[summer67]

No I don't think she left us alone. I know my grandmother lived with is since very young and always cared for us at home if parents were away. Both my parents worked -had their own business's. I tease my mom sometimes that my grandmother was the one who raised us as a joke but she gets angry and says its not true. I have a brother and he does not have these issues and also lives far away.

[summer67]

Re feeling abandoned I think I remember it first when in early grade school as they went on vacations without us. I always wanted to go with them. I grew up with family all around me. Our aunts and uncles lived right next door so its not like I was ever alone.

[Lauxa]

Can you remember what specific thoughts you are thinking that cause you to feel bad? What is the verbal dialogue that runs through your mind? Are there also images that you associate?

For example: I hate saying goodbye, when it comes time to leave that is going to be so painful, I really dread leaving, picturing the last time you left and you were crying... etc.

Also when you say you tried thinking positive, what specific positive thoughts were you trying to think? What was the internal resistence to these thoughts?

[summer67]

I am visiting right now and leaving in a few days. Sometimes I think of previous times leaving or seeing/hearing a family members face and saying good bye. Or them actually saying goodbye really causes the emotions. I get sad just being around family -only if I am leaving again soon. Otherwise if its not close I don't think about it as much and fine. I've been trying to block my thoughts. I notice if I just relax and blank out it helps. It gets more intense at different times in the day. Mornings are the worse I guess because I have less on my mind. To stop it I try to think logically and try to picture others saying goodbye normally and not having a problem. The thoughts just overwhelm me at times. Any ideas to help me get these thoughts out of my mind?? Its so horrible and consuming. I feel like I have a knot in my stomach.

Also, try to think about me past this point -in the airport or at my home happy after this period but it kinda helps. How can I get my brain to change this ??

[summer67]

Just remembered one more thing- I start thinking of a previous time I visited and felt sad - what we will do the day before,coming into my home those last days,seeing the relatives,feeling like crying etc. I try to avoid seeing relatives those last few days cause its too hard. I know if I lived closer I would not feel this way. So weird.

[Lauxa]

Are there any words or dialogue that trigger these images to appear in your mind or that go along with the images when they appear? IMO, words are the easiest to change because I can only think one "audio track" at a time. Maybe you could try mentally repeating "I enjoy spending time with my family" and try to think of images of you all having fun together. Instead of focusing on the leaving which is hard for you try to just concentrate on enjoying their company now.

[summer67]

Any kind words from someone can trigger it. I'll try your advice later but its hard to stop the feelings when they start. How can I train my mind to stop this. Everytime I see my mom w my son I get sad. Last night my husband said how sad my mom will be when we leave and the tears just started. I almost lost it. Could I just be an oversensitive person? I rarely ever cry other than in this situation though. Did I become to overattached to family while growing up?? Whats my problem? this is just not normal. Should I see a psychiatrist or someone to help? I want to be able to travel to see family and enjoy my time. I feel terrible these last few days that I wish I could just pack up and leave w/o anyone seeing me leave. Then I would be fine an hour later and look back at how silly I was.

[Angela]

I suspect that something happened when you were a child, and you decided something about yourself, like "I am ____." This old pain belief gets reactivated over and over again by these departures -- your unconscious trying to prove that "I am ___" is not so and also trying hard to avoid anyone seeing that it IS so. It's exhausting and upsetting, and everyone has these beliefs that get reactivated; they just come in different flavors.

What's the earliest time you can remember feeling this panicky sad upset torture feeling? What happened? How old were you? Who was there? What was said? What did you make it mean: "I am ____." ?

[summer67]

Originally Posted by Angela

I suspect that something happened when you were a child, and you decided something about yourself, like "I am ____." This old pain belief gets reactivated over and over again by these departures -- your unconscious trying to prove that "I am ___" is not so and also trying hard to avoid anyone seeing that it IS so. It's exhausting and upsetting, and everyone has these beliefs that get reactivated; they just come in different flavors.

What's the earliest time you can remember feeling this panicky sad upset torture feeling? What happened? How old were you? Who was there? What was said? What did you make it mean: "I am ____." ?

The panicky torture thing has been going on for as long as I can remember.
I know the being left alone thing bothered me as a child but I have no idea how old I was. How can I uncover what happened ? I just don't remember? Maybe someone told me I was acting silly by crying as I got older? Maybe my mom? I'm really not sure.