How can I go on?

[zfraile]

I learned yesterday that the CEO of the place I worked at 4 years ago is moving on to a new position at double his salary. That's somewhere around the neighborhood of $700k. This is the same guy who paid for his kids christmas presents on the corporate Amex card, had an affair with a VP, and engaged in other activities sufficient to warrant the OIG and FBI's interest. I also learned that the guy who replaced my friend at my last job moved on to a postion earning $120k + bonus. My friend was only at $80, as was I. This guy only got the job because his neighbor was friends with a member of the board of directors. The guy who replaced me at the first place came on board with a 50% higher salary than me. He is now a VP. His previous job he was terminated under suspicion of fraud.

Me? I am off to deposit the rent check from my friend who lives upstairs in my two family house so that I don't bounce my mortgage payment. I make $85k and sweat for every penny of it. I still have to rent out my home so I can send my kids to school, but I will not be able to send them to the school I want to next year so they will have to go to public school and I am ashamed and embarrassed that I could not do better for them.

I feel like I have done what I was supposed to do to get ahead in life and it just hasn't happened. I didn't cut class in high school. I didn't drink and get high in college. I graduated Magna Cum Laude and then I went for my MBA and I got the highest GMAT in the history of the program and graduated in the top 20% of my class. I gave up my weekends and vacation for two years to get this piece of paper and it hasn't helped me one bit. It was one of the top 25 business schools in the country, too. I accomplished this despite my aspergers syndrome. I've done all I can and I'm out of gas. I just can't do any more and I just can't take it anymore. It seems that I try and try and try and the little I succeed I can't enjoy in the face of the success of others who have done the wrong things. I've played fair and I've failed and I'm constantly faced with the success of the greedy others who have bent and broken the rules and used privilege and connections to get ahead.

I don't even care that anyone here may recognize my name because what I say is the truth and it's what I know and feel deep down. I feel so let down.

[Steve Pavlina]

It would be great it playing fair were enough, but in many cases it just doesn't produce great results. I had similar experiences in the first few years of running my games business, running into a lot of dishonorable behavior and seeing it rewarded. I couldn't betray my values to make a buck, so I ended up going broke instead.

I eventually figured out that I wasn't here to play fair. I was here to play to win, but it took me a long time to figure out what winning meant. I at least knew it didn't mean betraying my values to get ahead.

When I tried to win for myself, I was always disappointed. We often fool ourselves into thinking we're trying to win for others, while we're really wrapped up in our own concerns. For example, while you obviously care about your kids, it's the shame and embarrassment of failure that you're focused on, meaning that you're still trapped in ego-identification.

Life really began flowing for me when I finally let go of that ego junk, pride, and feelings of doubt and said to myself, "I'm just going to focus on making the best contribution I can. If I go broke doing that, I go broke. My fears and worries are just not that important compared to the difference I could make if I really gave this life my very best. If I'm here to make a contribution, then the universe had better back me up."

To this day I find that whenever I keep my focus on helping others, I attract far more abundance than I need. Extra money just falls out of the sky -- it's almost ridiculous how easy it is. But whenever I start sinking back into my ego and thinking "me, me, me," my results begin to decline, and I start attracting more problems.

One of the hardest things to do is to focus on helping others when you don't even feel your own needs are adequately met. But as tough as it is, that's the solution. That's what gets us out of our egos and into a higher level of consciousness. That's what activates the Law of Attraction. When we stop worrying about ourselves and focus all our last drop of energy on contribution, almost like magic we find our problems simply vanish.

Try taking a couple bucks and giving them to a homeless person with a few words of kindness, and see what effect that has on your perspective. That money will have no impact on your finances, but to someone else it's a meal.

A similar suggestion would be to spend some time helping other people in these forums who are in a worse situation than you are. Even if you don't have specific advice, just offer some words of encouragement. Try doing that for an hour, and notice what it does to your level of thinking.

[Henry]

Yeah I feel you. Just keep going man. Everything works out in the end. Really.

[RandomJohn]

Those are words beautifully spoken, Steve. I am "experimenting" with the idea of generating wealth for other people right now. I am in much the same situation (decent wage, but not enough to send the children to the school I want, more CC debt than I want, etc.), and the idea of "why does it have to be so hard" is understandable and even hard to shake, but doesn't serve me. The bulk of the work is to uncover the beliefs leading to this situation and turning them around into positive beliefs that make a contribution and create wealth. I'm right there near the beginning of this kind of work myself.

[demk]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Life really began flowing for me when I finally let go of that ego junk, pride, and feelings of doubt and said to myself, "I'm just going to focus on making the best contribution I can. If I go broke doing that, I go broke. My fears and worries are just not that important compared to the difference I could make if I really gave this life my very best. If I'm here to make a contribution, then the universe had better back me up."

Comments like this are great. Correct me if I'm wrong but this seems like an expert giving a piece of advice that was fundamental to their success and where it all began to click. All should take note.

Thanks for these boards btw Steve. Its great to have the opportunity to learn from experts and the opportunity to teach people what you know. Its a great vehicle for helping other people.

Zfraile - keep on going man, you'll get there!!!

Demk

[annie]

I predict that when you "let go" of the negative feelings you have for these people who may be climbing the corporate ladder without integrity and stop holding so much energy against them, you'll find yourself better equiped to concentrate on your own life and circumstances. Then you'll have enough positive energy to create the life YOU want.

Good luck!

[ahimel]

Hey, zfraile --

I can totally relate. I don't mind so much when I screw up -- if you do something stupid, you deserve to lose out. But what kind of universe is it where you do everything exactly right, and get screwed over in return?

A couple of coping strategies:

• Laugh at other's smallness In the words of MSN Money: "Petty? Yes. Effective? Yes." In that very first moment, when shame and rage and a vast sense of the unfairness of the universe seem to overwhelm you, take a moment to be petty. Remind yourself that however unfair it may seem right now, in the end he's just going to screw himself over. Short-term solutions like embezzlement and nepotism worked in a world where you could run to the next town and you were probably going to die before anyone caught up to you. In this ultra-connected flat world with 100-year lifespans, it's not an effective strategy anymore. You have chosen the wise course of honor and integrity, and over the long term, that can't help but be rewarded.
• Remind yourself who YOU are Take a moment to reflect. If you'd known how things were going to turn out, would you have made a different decision? Would you have slept with the boss/boss's wife, if you'd known it would get you promoted? Or are you certain you made the right decision, and proud that you did? It's easy to make good decisions in hindsight, but hard to make them on the spot, with emotions running every direction. You had the strength to make good decisions when they mattered -- be proud of it. I've found that it helps a lot when I say, out loud, to someone else, "I choose not to live in that world. Whatever decisions others may make, I choose to live in a world where people are treated with honor and respect." It's not the world screwing you over anymore -- it's you making a decision. It's a hard decision, and one that has brought you pain right now, but it's probably not a decision you'd change, even if you could.
• Feel compassion for the other person This is the hardest, but brings the most peace on the occasional times I manage it. Look at things from his perspective. What must his life be like? $700K income, but his family life can't be great. Top position at his company, but he can't have any friends. What must his life have been like up 'til now to make him this way? What does his future hold? Go back to all the things you said in the petty step, but really think about them. You'll find that you really are in a better situation than he is, and he really does warrant your pity, love and compassion. Odds are that there's nothing you can do to help him, unless he coincidentaly decides to improve his life at the exact moment you next meet him -- but let that be his choice, and not yours. You will be the kind of person who offers him help and courtesy.

Or you can always look at those less fortunate than you are. $85k/yr would more than triple my income.

[Patricia]

Originally Posted by annie

I predict that when you "let go" of the negative feelings you have for these people who may be climbing the corporate ladder without integrity and stop holding so much energy against them, you'll find yourself better equiped to concentrate on your own life and circumstances. Then you'll have enough positive energy to create the life YOU want.

Good luck!

Well said, Annie! Great advice.

[Milo Riano]

There's nothing much you can do about it but remain true to your values. Life is not fair and if you think about it there is enough injustice to make one a lunatic.

Just Let Go and move on. This article I have previously written may help you -- How To Let Go and Move On.

[Andreas]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Life really began flowing for me when I finally let go of that ego junk, pride, and feelings of doubt and said to myself, "I'm just going to focus on making the best contribution I can. If I go broke doing that, I go broke. My fears and worries are just not that important compared to the difference I could make if I really gave this life my very best. If I'm here to make a contribution, then the universe had better back me up."

Whoa.

Finally starting to click, it seems. I will take some time, but my goal is to live in that context constantly. I will live there.

[Nancy Lebovitz]

One of the things which is taught by implication at school is that you don't get to choose who you work with.

What if instead of hoping that a tolerable job comes along, or despairing that any are possible, you look for companies that are honestly run and treat employees well?

[Fortune]

It makes no sense to worry about people who screw you over. They're not getting away with anything. People who lie and cheat may appear to have everything, but they do not have happiness. It's like they say in My Name Is Earl: "I'm the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks." Karma works, and it works instantly. Don't let nasty people drag you down with them. If they deserve anything, it's compassion.

[Erin Pavlina]

There are rich people who are unhappy
There are rich people who are happy
There are poor people who unhappy
There are poor people who are happy

Dont' assume that just because these people have what you want that it is enough to make them happy. Look at all the rich and successful people who commit suicide.

If I were you, I would focus on you. Figure out what you want and how you're going to get there. Dont' worry about what the other participants in the race of life are doing. You're only in control of you and your actions. So put your energy where it will do the most good.

[Leandro Leme]

My friend, you ask "how can I go on?"
Let it go.
Let this bitter life script fade away.
Be free of you personal history.
In the end, all that matters is your heart.

I wish you laughs and joy.

[zfraile]

Thanks for all the suggestions. I know what I have to do and I know that I can't go against my values in doing so, no matter how the evidence seems to suggest otherwise. I'm not usually the jealous type and am usually happy for the success of others, but this particular bit of news just hit me like a ton of bricks and I don't know why but it took me a few days to get over it and I'm sure it would've taken longer without your help.

The universe had better back me up, indeed. That just might be my next bumper sticker.

[Jake Danger]

I am a 44-year old American lawyer. I graduated in the top 6% of my class at the University of Kentucky College of Law with a GPA of 3.56, and passed the California Bar Exam. I can speak and read Japanese and Mandarin Chinese. I am currently working for a large Chinese-American joint venture project in central China as inhouse corporate counsel. I am the only non-Chinese in the office.

Sounds impressive, eh?

My total income from all sources is US$12K a year, plus company-provided housing in a shared apartment. Perhaps I should apply to the Guiness Book of World Records for the title of "World's Lowest Paid International Lawyer". But the Marketing Department is next door, and my salary is about equal to the salaries of all of their employees combined (they make US$112 per month plus company-provided housing that is so ratty it doesn't even include air-conditioning or a refrigerator). So I feel lucky - in fact I even feel guily that I make so much more than they do. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to make 85K. I once made 70K when I was in Tokyo, but was run out of the office by a supervisor when I refused to make ethical compromises, and I have never made nearly that much since. I am divorced with no children.

You make 85K, are surrounded by people who make more than you do, and feel poor. I make 12K, am surrounded by people who make less than I do, and feel rich. I guess it all depends on who you're comparing yourself to. And I am not a failure, because what I do makes a difference (not only what I do at the office, but my blog as well). Neither are you a failure if you are refusing to sacrifice your ethics for the sake of a buck.

Ask yourself this: Is the 700K guy any HAPPIER than you are? And if you are unhappy, is it only because you're not making as much as those you compare yourself to?

[Andreas]

First of all, thank you, Jake for that testimony. What a powerful message in that story...

What you said reminded of something from Sourceofmiracles.com transcript:

KNIGHT: Remember, you create reality. You have it in you. Consciousness and energy creates reality. What you think matters. Your opinions help to affect the whole and your eventual outcome in reality.

[Persol]

As Jake Danger has shown, the problem isn't your life. It's your perspective. If you are down, just consider where you are compared to the majority of humanity. You have food, shelter and OK health? You're already in the top 25%.

Don't worry about what other people have and how they've gotten it. Life isn't fair... fixating on that fact won't change it.

Decide what you want. If you are saying things like house/car/job/money, I suggerst you look deeper. These are just ends to a means. Decide where you want to be in 5 years, in 10 years, and make a plan. You'll be amazed how well you'll do when you focus on what YOU want, not what OTHERS have.

[RandomJohn]

I think another aspect of this is that you don't see all of the lives of these people who stepped on others to climb the corporate ladder. They may be able to manifest money, but they also manifest pain, scarcity, and a whole lot of undesirable things. They may truly be happy, or only seem happy, or whatever. In some sense, it's all a story that you are telling yourself, and I'll offer that you are reinforcing a scarcity model by dwelling on "they have, I don't."

[trekr5]

zfraile

I read your post and I felt really touched.

I am in a similar position trying to make my way in this world and sometimes I say to myselfl "God, why is it so hard?". I think the advice given by Steve, and all the other members, is excellent and really does put things into perspective.

I've included a link to download Steven Covey's downloads:

Audiobooks

particularly the first one which talks about your circle of influence (things you can control) vs circle of concern (things you can't). I've found that particular download very useful. Keep focusing on all the positive things in your life; your children, a roof over your head, food in your fridge, friends, this forum

We will all get there in the end. I feel there is definitely a concentration of positive and compassionate people on this forum and somehow I believe that that good energy will permeate and change all of our lives for the better.

[digimint]

Steve you hit the nail on the head. The focus has to be on where one is going not on the ego. The mind is the master the ego is the slave. Not sure if you are familar with Bill Bartmann but this person has it easy compared to him. His story goes from welfare, at 14 working in a carnival, to an alcoholic, to being a gang member, drop out of school, failing at everything really well. he eventually became a Forbes 400. We get what we focus on.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Henry

Yeah I feel you. Just keep going man. Everything works out in the end. Really.

I kept telling people that until I realized how false it can sound. So I added a corollary:

"If it hasn't worked out, it isn't the end."

[peter]

Originally Posted by zfraile

I've played fair and I've failed and I'm constantly faced with the success of the greedy others who have bent and broken the rules and used privilege and connections to get ahead.

The only way you can be a failure is if you choose to be one.

Do you think more money makes you a success? Well... let me tell you my friend... I make more money than most of my college friends BUT I feel a lot poorer than most of them... Money is just a tool... it might be nice to have it BUT it doesn't guarantee your happiness.

The only way I got to feel rich was when I used this tool to make other people happy... to enrich their life... and guess what... you can enrich other people life even without money...
Making some sad friend smile brings me more wealth than a bonus to the salary.

If you want to feel wealthy and prosperous try to enrich others by any means you have at your disposal...

And one more thing.... 85K? I think a lot of the people in this forum think "wanna trade places?"... to give you an idea... my mom, after over 20 years as an accountant at some random city hall is making around 3.6k per year...