Breaking Down/Breaking Through

[carenkh]

Well - I didn't want to keep posting on the I Believe I'm Worthless thread - looking at that title just kept reinforcing that belief!

After my and Angela's talk, I fell back into some really old behaviors - I was spending money like I could actually afford to, when in reality, I'm making it month to month here. Not only doing it, but it felt like *I* wasn't there as that was happening. I know on some level, I was making a choice to spend, but it really was like the me that's ME was in a fog, as I was watching this other person's hands hand the debit card over.

Typing this, it's bringing up all kinds of feelings. I feel shame, mostly, and embarrassment and anger at myself. Lots of anger. And frustration. I was in a situation - if anyone wants the details, just pm me - where my car was broken and I couldn't afford the mechanic (who had already fixed the car), I was behind on RENT (like, the most basic of needs), and every day was stressed... but I was still spending. I'm not a shopper-shopper - I hate going to stores, usually, I get by with the clothes I've had for years, I only have a few pairs of shoes. It was stuff like - ordering Chinese delivery, going out to see movies at full price... nothing major, but if I had been keeping a budget, those would have been out of the question.

I used to live like this all the time - spend, spend, then PANIC, then I'd ask for help and get rescued, in the nick of time. Years and years ago, I stole from employers! I'd spend the money I was supposed to spend on bills, then steal (a couple of times) to pay the bills. And I'd always steal more than I actually needed, so I'd spend some more.

Buying books. Buying things for the boys - books, video games. Again, stuff that's not outrageous, stuff I'd like to be able to buy on a regular basis, and probably could if I got my spending under control and got caught up on bills.

I hadn't spent like that in quite a long time - I've never managed my money well, but I at least learned to take care of the basics - rent, electricity... And I stopped stealing a long time ago. Unless you count the people to whom I owe money now, and haven't made an effort to pay them back - I guess that's a form of stealing.

I got in a space where I saw what was happening, and knew it needed to stop. I was panicking and angry and scared. I PMd Angela, this venting message, about how pissed I was at myself. I mean, just loathing myself! She messaged back, asking "Who are you as a possibility, and what are you letting go of?" and it's like she was speaking a foreign language. I just couldn't even grasp the concept of being a conscious animator. Huh? So we talked on the phone again.

I honestly remember very, very little of that phone conversation. I know it started with me saying I wanted to be rescued. We talked a little bit about what's the difference between asking for help, and being rescued. Angela - if you took notes, feel free to give more details. I don't remember what we talked about!

I do remember her asking what having enough money would feel like, and I said, "peace, freedom, stability". And she asked me to breathe and be in the NOW, and was I OK in this moment? (Oh, yeah! I forgot about that!) And I was OK in that moment. At that second, I was still in my home, I wasn't being evicted. We had food.

We got to what I feel like is "the point" - and again, I'm not remembering details - but I remember it had to do with connection. That I believe being deeply connected means pain. Woo! I'm like in panic mode right now, as I write that - sweaty palms, shallow breath. That hurt part of me doesn't want me to explore that at all! In our phone conversation, I kept *not* connecting with Angela, I was not in touch with how I was feeling, etc. until I settled down and got in touch with "being deeply connected" - and it HURT! I don't remember feeling the pain, I just remember thinking, "My whole body hurts! It hurts everywhere!" then I wasn't in touch with that part of me any more. It's like - I just got a small view of this very, very damaged self that I carry with me. And I was terrified to look closer at that.

Just that view, though, brought so much insight! Because my whole *thing* is connection - I mean - drum circles? Connection. Reiki? Connection. Intuitive readings? Connection. What do I do when I'm out and about? Make eye contact. Connect. So, here I was, wanting to promote this thing that I believe ultimately brought me pain! So - I haven't yet started a site for my drum circles, reiki, or intuitive readings. I haven't moved forward on those things.

We talked some more, and tried to get in touch with a new view of myself. I don't remember what we came up with, but I remember it wasn't quite hitting. I still believe being deeply connected means pain, I think that's why I couldn't get in touch there.

I do remember at the end of the conversation, I felt huge relief and peace. I believed everything would be - and IS - OK. She asked how I was feeling, and I said, "peaceful, stable" then I just started CRACKING up, because I realized that's how I said I would feel with enough money. My situation hadn't changed at all, but my thoughts about it had. I found that so funny!

OK - I'm going to continue this - I think there's a length limit, though, so I'll end this here.

[carenkh]

Our conversation was just two weeks ago. It feels like SO much time has passed, but I just looked in my PM archives, and it's only been two weeks.

So - there I was, having gotten in touch with another limiting belief - deep connection causes pain. And, like I said, I know we talked about other possibilities, but I don't remember that. It's not true, that limiting belief. When I give someone reiki, I have never been hurt. (Sometimes I pick up on their physical pain, and feel it in my body, but that's different.) I've never been in pain in a drum circle.

I have brought others pain, as they've been connected with me. The aforementioned people to whom I owe money - they loaned me money to help me, on good faith, and I'm not even communicating with them. (Ouch! That's hard to write here - embarrassing!) My ex-husband. Other people.

OK - I mentioned in another thread that a friend suggested I read When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. Well, I picked it up, and it wasn't really resonating with me - I mean, there's good stuff there, but, I wasn't connecting with it. Until the other day, and WHAM: Look what she wrote:

As we become more wholehearted in this journey of gentle honesty, it comes as quite a shock to realize how much we've blinded ourselves to some of the ways in which we cause harm. Our style is so ingrained that we can't hear when people try to tell us, either kindly or rudely, that maybe we're causing some harm by the say we are or the way we relate with others. We've become so used to the way we do things that somehow we think others are used to it too.
It's painful to face how we harm others, and it takes a while. It's a journey that happens because of our commitment to gentleness and honesty, our commitment to staying awake, to being mindful.

She also wrote,

The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves. <snip> It is said we can't attain enlightenment, let alone feel contentment and joy, without seeing who we are and what we do, without seeing our patterns and our habits. This is called maitri -- developing loving-kindness and an unconditional friendship with ourselves.

She wrote a lot about not running from feelings, about accepting how we feel - and that's what I haven't been doing! My money situation hasn't changed. I sold my car, which did end up being perfect, because it needed many more repairs that I couldn't afford. If I had gotten the money together to pay the mechanic, in just a few weeks, I wouldn't have been able to drive it, anyway, because of everything that was wrong with it. I got just enough money to pay it off, and pay the mechanic, and I got enough to pay some bills. I'm still spending where I shouldn't. I still - well, until right now, until this very second, I was still hating myself for that. But as I've written, I'm remembering to breathe, and look at the situation as a situation, not a personal failure. For this moment, I'm remembering that.

I'm still behind on rent, and am not sure how I'm going to resolve that. My landlord has been very generous, but I do need to pay him, soon. Ugh - stomach flipped as I wrote that. I don't like writing that here, in this place of smart people, because how many people on here don't pay their rent? That's so NOT smart.

I was reluctant to write about my money stuff on here for just that reason - shame, embarrassment. Then, just before Angela and I talked, I saw a few entries where people were in the same boat as me, maybe for different reasons, but there they were, wondering how to make ends meet. I had never read anything like that on here before, until I was in that same position, and somewhat willing to look at it. Angela says there have ALWAYS been posts like that here.

So - I'm not in a resolved space. I'm not feeling like a conscious animator, even though I know on some level I DID create this whole scenario for myself. I've been not liking myself at all, and feeling depressed and powerless. So when I read about Steve's decision to do consultations, and Angela's latest breakthrough where she feels so powerful, I felt good for them, but mostly, I was feeling like: They're so much better than me. I am worthless. And not even realizing I was feeling that way, because instead of accepting how I've been feeling, I'm wanting to not own it, because it feels like a failure to feel that way. Duh. How many times have I learned that lesson? To feel what I feel. I do feel like a failure, though, when I have those feelings. I feel like every single other person on these boards is living lives of freedom, power, and love, and I'm a failure for not doing that. I know that's not reality, but there ya go.

I've also forgotten until now, the tools I do have. Reiki for myself, and TAT or EFT. When I get in that self-defeating space, I forget I have tools. But writing this out, I remember.

OK - gotta start work. That's where I am! I wanted to keep the thread updated - keep it real.

[carenkh]

Forgot to say - at the end of our first conversation, when I got in touch with being a conscious animator, and what that would mean - I was SO stoked! I was so excited, and knew I could make it to Hawaii for the workshop! But, when I started spending... I felt like I couldn't ask for money for that. I couldn't put up a donation button on my blog, because... I didn't deserve it. And I might just spend the money on other stuff, anyway. And if I did get the money to go to Hawaii, I needed to use it to get caught up on rent and other bills, not going to Hawaii! Ultimately - I didn't deserve it. I'm a horrible, horrible, person for not managing my money. That's where I was... and am... with that. And the workshop started last Saturday.

[amixa]

hey caren
i'm wondering, do you know why you have a compulsion to buy things? do you feel the need because you feel you are missing something?
someone told me a story that was told by the dalai lama, about how we go out and buy these beautiful earrings.. and wearing them makes us feel special. after 2 months or so.. that special feeling wears out and we search for new earrings.
perhaps you are trying to obtain things externally when you already have the knowledge inside you. (i can relate though because recently i spent all my free money and ended up with nill when i went to go buy groceries!)
you mentioned you feel worthless. i didn't read the whole thread before but did you pinpoint why you feel that way? have you ever had reiki done on you by another reiki master?

[mncz]

Dearest carenkh
I recognise sooo much of myself in what you wrote, all of it . I am happy to see that you are in a transition to fully become a person that is living a life of freedom, power, and love. What I want to tell you is that it takes time for the transition to happen. Every day takes concentration and teaches a lesson. Sometimes you fail. I failed this weekend horribly. I faced old pain in the form of belief "people whom I love, abandon me" and got completely taken over by it. In the end it became a nice lesson of being present and not giving in to fear. It gave me chance to define a new belief: "people whom I love, love me as well". And thus it became not a failure, but a liberating experience. I understood my power to choose my emotions right there to the extent I did not understand before. So it was valuable for me.

I also want to remind you that you are amazing person. You are perfect and complete just the way you are. The fact that you sometimes give in to your ego who says "buy this, buy that, delight yourself, don't care about the rent and bills", does not make you less perfect and complete. It only wants you to learn the difference between what your ego wants and what is necessary for you. Ego is a silly manipulating control freak. It wants you to believe that it is you, but it is not you. Sometimes it is hard to remember and believe that however.

What is important is to understand that all these obstacles you face are there for you to learn things about yourself. They are there for you to become aligned with yourself and fall in love with yourself deeply. Things will work out. Sometimes it just takes time for events to unfold. But they are unfolding right now. Be present and enjoy it, every moment

And it may relieve you to know that I am in the same boat too. I am behind on my rent! I have been behind on it more or less for a year, always paying late. Twice my electricity was disconnected because I was too late with payments. But I have found a way to resolve it and I know perfectly what to do so that these things do not happen again. And whenever you feel bad about yourself not being all knowing, smart and acting the right way all the time, you can remember that Steve was shoplifter once too, and got broke and stuff, and smile. Because the smart people have once been silly too, and made lots of mistakes. This is how they became smart. And so will you

Lots of love,
mncz

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by amixa

hey caren
i'm wondering, do you know why you have a compulsion to buy things?

It's not so much THINGS - I think the food (Chinese, other restaurants) feels nurturing - it's warm food prepared by someone else! It's like my little kid self feels taken care of by that.

I used to buy tons of jewelry - silver, hippie kinda stuff. My sister one time said she believed when I would buy it, I didn't see the jewelry, I was actually buying: a hug from our dad, $65; a meaningful, nonjudgmental conversation with our mom, $90. I was buying STUFF to fill up those holes. So I can relate to what you're saying - it IS the rush of being "able" to buy something.

Ooh - I just GOT that. It's not the whatever I want, it's the belief that I'm ABLE to do it. That feels grownup to me, to buy something, because I sure didn't have that power when I was little. Wow!

I related, too, when someone wrote in Steve's thread about manifesting money, that they got hooked on the relief - they'd be stressed, then relieved when money came in. I know there's some of that going on, as well.

I have had reiki from a master, but not recently. I was just making plans to go to a meet-up next week! The last time, the lady who gave me my attunements stayed with me, and when she gave me reiki, (and a different type of attunement) I literally SAW and FELT this cloud of brown-yellow smoke leave my body. I released *something*, that's for sure. That was just before I started the other thread, and my first conversation with Angela - so something was set in motion!!

[carenkh]

@mncz - Thank you. Thank you. I so needed to read that.

I'm here with you, too!! <3

[ar81]

I used to buy a lot too.
I came to realize that I had OCD
Obsessive-compulsive disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[amixa]

Originally Posted by carenkh

It's not so much THINGS - I think the food (Chinese, other restaurants) feels nurturing - it's warm food prepared by someone else! It's like my little kid self feels taken care of by that.

I used to buy tons of jewelry - silver, hippie kinda stuff. My sister one time said she believed when I would buy it, I didn't see the jewelry, I was actually buying: a hug from our dad, $65; a meaningful, nonjudgmental conversation with our mom, $90. I was buying STUFF to fill up those holes. So I can relate to what you're saying - it IS the rush of being "able" to buy something.

Ooh - I just GOT that. It's not the whatever I want, it's the belief that I'm ABLE to do it. That feels grownup to me, to buy something, because I sure didn't have that power when I was little. Wow!

I related, too, when someone wrote in Steve's thread about manifesting money, that they got hooked on the relief - they'd be stressed, then relieved when money came in. I know there's some of that going on, as well.

I have had reiki from a master, but not recently. I was just making plans to go to a meet-up next week! The last time, the lady who gave me my attunements stayed with me, and when she gave me reiki, (and a different type of attunement) I literally SAW and FELT this cloud of brown-yellow smoke leave my body. I released *something*, that's for sure. That was just before I started the other thread, and my first conversation with Angela - so something was set in motion!!

ah ha.. i see. well.. interesting that you recommended the spirit of anatomy to us, because i am reading it now.. and i do believe she talks about a lady who gave up her will to the divine will. that is, she took off from her house with nothing but the clothes on herself and travelled across the country to spread the word of peace having no idea if she would be able to have safe places to sleep and stay.
i'm afraid i don't know what to tell you about your need to buy things.. except to wait for those thoughts to enter and catch yourself early.. tell yourself you need this money for necessities.. and take deep long breaths and walk away. its worked for me for the most part. it may be painful but you know deep down you can probably live without it.
you seem like you are working from the fear mind set. in that you fear that things won't work out -- that you will be stranded without money and so forth. everything seems to work out with love. if you work from the love mind set, believe that even though you can do things with your own will.. ask for help and they will help.
i'm not quite sure what its like to visit other reiki masters. mine is so intune she senses and knows everything and i mean EVERYTHING. she seems to be able to know exactly what to say to me to fix me for good.
you said you needed a hug from your dad and a good conversation from your mom. i didn't necessarily have the most supportive place in growing up.
you didn't have your older self long time ago to help you, but you have that now. now you can be there to support your inner child. to have loving nonjudgmental conversations with her. to hug her.
visualize taking her to a secret garden, where she can be safe and loved by you. now she can stay there, and receive all the nuturing love she needed, from you. visit her as often as needed.
it can be a strange twist in your head at first.. becoming your own parent.. but you can also remember or at least acknowledge all the loving parents you have had in your past lives. the parents you have now are only one pair out of many you have had in the past. i don't know if you even acknowledge past lives but this is what she told me and its very powerful.

[mncz]

Originally Posted by amixa

you didn't have your older self long time ago to help you, but you have that now. now you can be there to support your inner child. to have loving nonjudgmental conversations with her. to hug her.
visualize taking her to a secret garden, where she can be safe and loved by you. now she can stay there, and receive all the nuturing love she needed, from you. visit her as often as needed.
it can be a strange twist in your head at first.. becoming your own parent.. but you can also remember or at least acknowledge all the loving parents you have had in your past lives. the parents you have now are only one pair out of many you have had in the past. i don't know if you even acknowledge past lives but this is what she told me and its very powerful.

And this almost made me cry.
Thanks

[The Cloud]

One practical recommendation I have would be to buy everything in cash. The visceral feel of counting bills of money out helps to remind me that I'm actually spending money, MY money, and maybe it could for you too.

Also, I've been toying with an idea lately. I'm in a similar situation to yours, as far as having extremely limiting beliefs, so I'd appreciate if you help me develop it. I read Angela's recent post on consciously choosing happiness, which I've been attempting. One strange thing that I encountered, though, is that sometimes I'll burst out laughing and yet feel profoundly sad or angry. I think that happiness isn't mutually exclusive from sadness and anger. That would be nice, because I've been trying to feel happy by ridding myself of negative emotions; but if I don't have to be rid of my emotions to be happy then maybe I can always be happy like Angela ! I'd like to know what you think of this.

Be happy. We can do it

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by mncz

And this almost made me cry.
Thanks

Me, too. Thanks, amixa - very powerful! I have remembered that sometimes, but definitely forgotten it lately - and I'm resistant to being my own parent! My parents SHOULD BE my parents!! That's the belief I've been carrying - and I reckon I can do The Work on that, too.

And thanks for this:

Originally Posted by amixa

wait for those thoughts to enter and catch yourself early.. tell yourself you need this money for necessities.. and take deep long breaths and walk away. its worked for me for the most part. it may be painful but you know deep down you can probably live without it.

I've done that before, it's worked before. As I got in touch with those deeper layers, I reverted back to old behaviors - it's like I have to re-teach myself these things on a deeper level. And I forget that - to me, it felt like: oh, no! Here I am again! I thought I had dealt with this!! I really AM a failure! But, no - it's the same lesson, on a much deeper level.

I just wrote a testimonial for Angela's site (launching soon! yay!), and I said working with her got me in touch with deeper parts of myself than any other work I've done - and it's very true. It's her method, but it's also herSELF; working with her provided that safe space to go deep, deep, deep. I'm so glad I decided to work with her!

Originally Posted by The Cloud

I think that happiness isn't mutually exclusive from sadness and anger. That would be nice, because I've been trying to feel happy by ridding myself of negative emotions; but if I don't have to be rid of my emotions to be happy then maybe I can always be happy like Angela ! I'd like to know what you think of this.

Be happy. We can do it

Yes! I think that's key. I read on someone else's thread when they asked about getting rid of their limiting belief, and Angela said, "You won't get rid of it, it just won't control you any more" or something along those lines, and that was a moment for me! OH!! Of course.

It's the same thing with feelings, I think - I can experience sadness and not get taken away by it.

I remember, a long time ago, understanding that I was experiencing true joy - even if things weren't going as I'd like, or I was having sad or frustrated feelings, there was an undercurrent of belief that everything was OK. That experience was transforming for me! (how did I forget that?)

And it sounds like that can be taken a few steps further - I can choose happiness at any moment!

Yes, let's be happy! (and there's a part of me that's going... grumble, grumble, grumble at that! LOL)

My sister recommended the cash thing years ago - cash in envelopes, one envelope for every category. Disaster for me! DIS.AS.TER. I just disregarded the envelopes, and spent all the cash!

What has worked for me before is to PAUSE before I buy. Like, I'll go to a store, and before I check out, I go through the basket: do I NEED this? And most of the time, I don't.

They also just started these money management classes at work. As embarrassed as I'll be, I think meeting with this person (whom I've met, and talked to at length - she's been there, she's very compassionate and nonjudgmental) will provide some accountability. She can be my grownup. LOL Not in terms of her making decisions for me, or anything like that - but if I know I'll have someone looking at my spending record? Less likely to spend.

[jfrancis]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

One strange thing that I encountered, though, is that sometimes I'll burst out laughing and yet feel profoundly sad or angry. I think that happiness isn't mutually exclusive from sadness and anger. That would be nice, because I've been trying to feel happy by ridding myself of negative emotions

I don't think negative emotions are things we should work to rid ourselves of. They have their place. If someone dies, it is totally human to feel sad, or angry. Not to get all "turn, turn, turn" on your a**, but to everything there is a season...a time to dance, a time to mourn, etc.
Even so-called negative emotions are GOOD if expressed appropriately and (more importantly) consciously. Problems arise when our feelings are misplaced, or when we allow them to run rampant.
I think it is important to acknowledge whatever it is that I am feeling at any given time. I just breathe and focus on what I am feeling, and (sometimes) I am able to gain a sense of space, separation from the emotion. "OK, so I feel like I am in the pit of despair...but wait, no I am not, I am here, and I am OK." Then I have a choice to continue feeling that way if it is appropriate, or feel differently. This is easier said than done, and is far from a habit, but it's a little something I am working on.

I am with you, though, happy would be a great way to feel right now.

[carenkh]

I've been feeling really vulnerable and out of sorts since I wrote this. At least writing it out stopped the beating up of myself... mostly.

When I read Steve's post on Playing the Money Game, it didn't change how I felt. Instead, it was further fuel on the "I should be different" fire. I was not in a good space to read that - it felt like I was a failure (again) for not being able to see it all as a game.

At least I've been talking to people about it - I spoke at a homeschooling conference yesterday (yay, me!), and I was telling my friends, whom I hadn't seen in a while, that I had created some chaos. Before I started this thread, I would have kept that hidden - I wanted to be OK, so I would have been pretending like I was OK. I'm wondering again - how could I have forgotten about feeling what I feel? Being where I am?

I know this space isn't for therapy, but I wanted to show my process, all of it.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by carenkh

I'm wondering again - how could I have forgotten about feeling what I feel? Being where I am?

That's what happens. We just plum forget. It takes diligence to practice letting go of your old habitual pain and generating your new possibility of being a conscious animator. (By the way, it tickled me that you responded to the person would wanted to animate his anime. ) So why bother with wondering how you forgot, when you could simply make a choice (now, and now, and now): Am I willing to be "I'm not here, and connection = pain" or am I willing to be "I am a conscious animator!" Either way is fine; just choose.

"Shoulds" -- what a great way to keep yourself disconnected! As long as you're *shoulding* yourself, you are so not here. Instead, you are in some alternate reality where things are other than what they are. Helloooooo.... come back!....... can you heaaarrr meeeeeeee????????

Caren, in your (unconscious) animation, money is one of the main themes. It's like: on the cover of your comic book, a dollar bill is the main central image, and you and your life are drawn to it (). Why don't you take a moment to redraw the cover illustration? Do a little art therapy?

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Angela

Helloooooo.... come back!....... can you heaaarrr meeeeeeee????????

Caren, in your (unconscious) animation, money is one of the main themes. It's like: on the cover of your comic book, a dollar bill is the main central image, and you and your life are drawn to it (). Why don't you take a moment to redraw the cover illustration? Do a little art therapy?

I can, truly, just barely hear you. I feel stuck and scared. I need to get off of the computer, and take some time to breathe and BE HERE. That was so helpful in our phone call - taking those minutes to really be where I am, drop the fear. Oh, yeah - I forgot! I can breathe. And I forget to *keep* breathing, that it's a choice I can make every day, every time I get drawn away (ha!) by the fear and judgment. I can come back to ME. This moment.

This really feels like - these are things I've learned before, and each time I forget, or choose to create some chaos, when I remember again, it's on a much deeper level. THAT choice - to be here, to be a conscious animator - becomes much more a part of myself.

All right - off to do some breathing!

[Rose of Cairo]

Hey Caren, I just wanted to send you some love and my deepest encouragement! And let you know that I'm here too, to hold you and prevent you from being not here

Originally Posted by carenkh

THAT choice - to be here, to be a conscious animator - becomes much more a part of myself.

Yes, I think it's normal to fall back into your old patterns over and over again. I can relate, after doing Angela's coaching I kept falling back into "I'm trapped" too. Even now, over half a year later, I still notice sometimes that I was being trapped again It's a matter of habits, and habits take a lot of practice and time to change. Just stay as present as possible, breathe, and make this choice over and over again. In the end, it'll be so much a part of who you are that you won't forget about it anymore Just hang in there, we're all here () with you Happy breathing!

[Kaspian]

Originally Posted by amixa

you didn't have your older self long time ago to help you, but you have that now. now you can be there to support your inner child. to have loving nonjudgmental conversations with her. to hug her.
visualize taking her to a secret garden, where she can be safe and loved by you. now she can stay there, and receive all the nurturing love she needed, from you. visit her as often as needed.
it can be a strange twist in your head at first.. becoming your own parent.. but you can also remember or at least acknowledge all the loving parents you have had in your past lives. the parents you have now are only one pair out of many you have had in the past. i don't know if you even acknowledge past lives but this is what she told me and its very powerful.

Amixa's suggestion is extremely close to something I've done that works very well.

My adult self hugs and comforts my child self. We talk, and I listen as she tells me what she needs to express. I respond and comfort as needed. When we're ready, I assign a spirit guide or angel (or team of them) who works for our highest good to protect, nurture, love, heal, and care for her. I hug her again, tell her I love her, say goodbye, and then she and her new guardian(s) go to the garden where she can heal and grow at her own pace.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Kaspian

she and her new guardian(s) go to the garden where she can heal and grow at her own pace.

I *love* that!

I talked to a friend today, and in talking to her, I realized that part of the problem is... I don't really have a concrete idea of what being a conscious animator and conductor would look like in my life. I visualized some things - but it all feels very *new* to me. I actually think part of the spending wasn't old patterns, but it was me, living as I wish I *could* live. Like I said earlier, it wasn't the stuff, but the ability to spend, that freedom. I'd like to be able to just go see a movie without thinking about the price, or go out to eat and just get what I wanted. The problem was, I was doing those things when the money should have gone elsewhere.

She's a counselor, and so put that in terms of cognitive and behavioral therapy. She suggested each day, I make a list of things I can do *that day* to be a conscious animator. So that I'm not practicing that on money I don't yet have.

I also got a reminder to love myself! When I told her I had been a bit wrapped up in myself, she said, "Ooh! That sounds awesome! I'd LOVE to be all wrapped up in you!" And I was so taken aback, like: really? Because I was feeling so ugly and awful. I forgot I'm lovable. So I'm looking at - how can I love myself? And THAT feels like it's going to a deeper level, as well. I also called some friends who love me and said: I need to hear you love me!

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by carenkh

I actually think part of the spending wasn't old patterns, but it was me, living as I wish I *could* live. Like I said earlier, it wasn't the stuff, but the ability to spend, that freedom. I'd like to be able to just go see a movie without thinking about the price, or go out to eat and just get what I wanted.

Hahahahahaha, that is EXACTLY the reason that I'm so incredibly cheap! I love the freedom of knowing that if I really want something, I can buy it! So I don't bother with things that I can live without (often things that other people think are necessities). I save and I save and I save, so that when I come across something that is necessary or extremely desirable, I can just buy it and hardly even think about the cost. I think that money should be freedom, so I always make sure to spend as little as possible so I can have as much available money as possible. Exactly the same and exactly the opposite of yourself .