Accepting Compliments

[Mnemosyne]

I was reading another post and it triggered a realization that I wanted to share.

Whenever people give me a compliment, I never trust its sincerity or authenticity.

I'm 27 years old. If someone tells me I did a good job on my last consulting project, or my hair looks nice, I flat-out don't believe them. I don't explicity tell these compliment-givers that I don't believe them, but I'm sure my body language gives them a clue. Instead of going into the "Thank you" routine I typically just shrug it off and down play it.

The interesting thing is that I know exactly what caused this behaviour. Ah, the good 'ol teenage years... I was 13 years old, my first year in middleschool. I was never part of the cool crowd but somehow I ended up making friends with someone who was pretty high on the popularity scale. Our friendship only lasted a few weeks. It ended when she and another popular girl complimented my clothes and then laughed at me, all part of some cruel joke. Typical teenage stuff but it had a huge impact on me. From that point on, I thought that whenever someone gave me a compliment, they were in some way picking on me or mocking me.

Unfortunately, knowing the cause of something doesn't necessarily change anything.

Anyway, my husband was keen enough to catch on to my behavior. (Yes, even if my husband, my bestest friend in the whole world, gave me a compliment, I would shrug it off and down-play it.) Now, every time he gives me a compliment, he makes me repeat the following phrase:

"Thank you honey, that means a lot to me."

It's amazing because I think that little exercise is really helping me!

[Smiley]

I have a friend facing a similar belief. She has found it helpful to respond with something along the lines of, "Thank you, yes I am."

Question for you: Do you find this lack of trust arises only in the area of receiving compliments, or do you experience a general lack of trust of others?

[andrew]

Originally Posted by Smiley

Do you find this lack of trust arises only in the area of receiving compliments, or do you experience a general lack of trust of others?

That seems like a much more important thing to figure out than just 'accepting compliments'. Good question, things like these have to get to the very root of the trouble.

[stephencp]

""Thank you, yes I am.""

I think affirming that is great, however perhaps using the "inside voice" might be appropriate.

Stephen
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[Create]

I agree ; the out-loud positive affirmation will eventualy make the compliments sound more normal and natural; like if they really are yours and true.

Another thing I sorta find helps is honestly complimenting other people and enjoying the act. You spend a little time being touched by someone else's skill, beauty or generosity and then BAM you watch yourself compliment them. You see the root of your own actions and the pleasure you can derive from complimenting - why would it be different when people orient compliments towards you?

[Mnemosyne]

Originally Posted by Smiley

Question for you: Do you find this lack of trust arises only in the area of receiving compliments, or do you experience a general lack of trust of others?

Good question. I think my lack of trust lies only within the area of receving compliments. For the most part, I'm a very trusting person, often giving people the benefit of the doubt.

Here's an example...

I don't have great hair, skin or looks. I don't buy really expensive clothes just to fit in. For the most part I'm okay with my appearance, I know there's certain things about myself that are in my power to change, and other things that are beyond my power to change. I don't have antlers or anything, but I'll never be a model of physical beauty. It's something I know and deal with everyday, not a big deal.

However, when someone says to me, 'I like your hair today!", I think that...

A) My hair probably looks terrible, and they are in some way picking on me
-or-
B) My hair probably looks terrible, and they are saying it out of pitty
-or-
C) Evidently, 99% of the time my hair looks terrible and today it just happens to look half way decent - great! (sarcastically)

It goes beyond beauty-related compliments. I'm a Business Intelligence consultant in the IT industry. I was the team-lead on my last project, and the project pretty much failed. Some of the reasons it failed were way out of my control, but there were a few key items that I could have handled *much* better. So when someone says that I did a great job on that project, how can I believe that? They're probably just saying that to flatter me, because I messed up big time.

I'm just now remembering this... I had an annual review for work a few months ago. I remember my husband coaching me for the review, telling me that I need to be polite and say "thank you" and/or "that means a lot to me" if/when my managers complimented my work. They ended up giving many compliments. I was polite but even a few monthls later I can't trust the compliments they gave me. I keep wondering if they really know how well I'm doing - don't they see my mistakes? Don't they see that I'm not the expert they think I am? (For some reason they think I'm really great with a particular technology that we deal with, but I'm not, I'm just a hack).

But having to repeat "thank you, that means a lot to me" all the time definitely helps.

One last example. I have a really nice necklace. I know it's nice. It's a very pretty light blue moonstone pendent that I bought from overstock.com. Because I'm confident that it really is nice, I can trust that people are giving me their honest opinion when they say "I really like your necklace!".

It's like I know the status of my appearance and workmanship, so when someone gives me a compliment and it doesn't match what I know to be true, then I don't believe them. But I think the problem is that I don't necesarily know everything. Maybe my opinions are skewed.

[Jill]

Question for you: Do you find this lack of trust arises only in the area of receiving compliments, or do you experience a general lack of trust of others?

I don't believe it's a trust issue at all, but one of self esteem.

It's like I know the status of my appearance and workmanship, so when someone gives me a compliment and it doesn't match what I know to be true, then I don't believe them. But I think the problem is that I don't necesarily know everything. Maybe my opinions are skewed.

But you don't know that at all. That's your own perception of yourself. Obviously others like your appearance, etc., or they wouldn't be giving you compliments.

Work on the self esteem issues and it will be a lot easier to accept compliments.

[JHL]

I have a very similar problem and I agree with Jill that, in my case at least, the cause is a lack of self-esteem.

I've become quite good at graciously accepting compliments (well I get so many, you know... ) but its very rare that I accept them within myself.

In my case, I usually feel pretty certain the person is just saying those things because they think I need to hear them, feel sorry for me, etc etc. The very last thing I would consider is that they might actually mean it or that they might be right.

A very interesting awareness to develop is the gap between how you see yourself vs. how the world sees you. I once had this experience, through the process of group feedback, in a self-development course I went on. It turned out I was an ok human being. The relief!

[tc33]

Another perspective: I read somewhere (probably in a Kevin Hogan book) that by downplaying the compliment, you subtlely imply that the other person's judgement is faulty. Obviously this is not your intent, but the other party could certainly perceive it that way.

Example:
Me: You did a great job putting together those TPS reports!
You: Nah, not really, I think I misspelled some words and the font was too small
Me (verbally): Oh, I'm sure it wasn't that bad...
Me (mentally): So not only did I overlook those misspelled words (lack of attention to detail), but my ability to judge quality work is faulty as well?

Stop insulting the other person!
Tom

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by Mnemosyne

Good question. I think my lack of trust lies only within the area of receving compliments. For the most part, I'm a very trusting person, often giving people the benefit of the doubt.

Here's an example...

I don't have great hair, skin or looks. I don't buy really expensive clothes just to fit in. For the most part I'm okay with my appearance, I know there's certain things about myself that are in my power to change, and other things that are beyond my power to change. I don't have antlers or anything, but I'll never be a model of physical beauty. It's something I know and deal with everyday, not a big deal.

However, when someone says to me, 'I like your hair today!", I think that...

A) My hair probably looks terrible, and they are in some way picking on me
-or-
B) My hair probably looks terrible, and they are saying it out of pitty
-or-
C) Evidently, 99% of the time my hair looks terrible and today it just happens to look half way decent - great! (sarcastically)

It goes beyond beauty-related compliments. I'm a Business Intelligence consultant in the IT industry. I was the team-lead on my last project, and the project pretty much failed. Some of the reasons it failed were way out of my control, but there were a few key items that I could have handled *much* better. So when someone says that I did a great job on that project, how can I believe that? They're probably just saying that to flatter me, because I messed up big time.

I'm just now remembering this... I had an annual review for work a few months ago. I remember my husband coaching me for the review, telling me that I need to be polite and say "thank you" and/or "that means a lot to me" if/when my managers complimented my work. They ended up giving many compliments. I was polite but even a few monthls later I can't trust the compliments they gave me. I keep wondering if they really know how well I'm doing - don't they see my mistakes? Don't they see that I'm not the expert they think I am? (For some reason they think I'm really great with a particular technology that we deal with, but I'm not, I'm just a hack).

But having to repeat "thank you, that means a lot to me" all the time definitely helps.

One last example. I have a really nice necklace. I know it's nice. It's a very pretty light blue moonstone pendent that I bought from overstock.com. Because I'm confident that it really is nice, I can trust that people are giving me their honest opinion when they say "I really like your necklace!".

It's like I know the status of my appearance and workmanship, so when someone gives me a compliment and it doesn't match what I know to be true, then I don't believe them. But I think the problem is that I don't necesarily know everything. Maybe my opinions are skewed.

Hmm Mnemosyne, in NLP we have something called a meta-program, which is just a simple way of understanding how different people work.

In one, some people sort by self, some sort by others. A simple example is how would somebody know when they've done a good job? Is it when they're told by others even though they don't feel like they have, or is it when they know inside even though no one else seems to think so.

You seem to sort by self, which isn't a bad thing. A lot of artists do, imagine Van Gogh when he painted his 'weird' masterpieces and no-one at the time would buy.

I think it's healthy in a way to be able to tell when someone's genuinely being nice and when a compliment's just a few words. You do seem to have strayed beyond the cynical line a little bit

Here's something you can think about, right now. Remember a compliment someone paid you, something nice, and ask yourself 'how could that be true?', and really consider the many answers to that question; how could that compliment be true if it really was?

P.S. You can do a few more if you want

[JeffS]

Here's a really simple concept that has been slowing dawning on me over the last few months.

"Thank you" is never the wrong answer.

"Never" is a strong word, but it doesn't sound as good as a rule if I make it "almost never" .

Practically speaking, there are two possibilities when you say "thank you" in response to a compliment you're not totally sure of the sincerity of. 1. It was meant sincerely, in which case it's a good habit and good manners to say thank you. 2. It was not meant sincerely, in which case you say something that is either funny in response, or disarms the person who's trying to make fun of you.

Oddly enough, I've always been more comfortable saying thank you in the second situation than in the first, but you really can't beat it in either one.

[belugagirl]

Originally Posted by Mnemosyne

Anyway, my husband was keen enough to catch on to my behavior. (Yes, even if my husband, my bestest friend in the whole world, gave me a compliment, I would shrug it off and down-play it.) Now, every time he gives me a compliment, he makes me repeat the following phrase:

"Thank you honey, that means a lot to me."

Mnemosyne, congratulations on having snagged yourself such a smart husband!

I think you're on to something in recognizing that the mistrust of compliments comes into play when the compliment is at odds with your self-assessment. I'm not saying you should trust others' judgment above your own in all matters. (Certainly not!) But given the circumstances, it sounds like you are not always the best judge of your own performance, appearance, etc. It sounds like you are a harsher critic of yourself than you would be of anyone else or that anyone else would be of you. In other words, you don't seem to be able to be objective about evaluating yourself. None of us are totally. But some self-esteem boosting might get you closer to seeing yourself the way other people see you.

I think sometimes we feel like accepting a compliment is equal to agreeing with the compliment, which is tantamount to complimenting ourselves, which is presumptuous or arrogant. It's not that way at all, though. I think real modesty is the ability to evaluate ourselves fairly--that includes our good qualities as well as our flaws.

[Shuchetana]

Hmm....
I think it's more of a self-esteem thing created in your teen years than a lack of ability to trust others. But I know what you mean, about thinking the compliments are fake.
However, most of the things you judge yourself on are subjective. e.g.:
you

• might think you have terrible hair, but someone else might truly think it's beautiful
• you might think you didn't do a good job on a project, but other people might appreciate your hard work, dedication, people management, time management

, etc
The list goes on. Just because you disagree with the other person, doesn't necessarily mean that they're wrong, geddit?

Also, sometimes people give compliments just to be nice (e.g " what a nice dress" while thinking "i don't care about clothes at all, but you have a unique style, so maybe this comment will break the ice and you can like me better").

In my opinion, people usually don't give compliments to hurt or make fun of you, not at this age. Even if they're being nice, they're still vulnerable because they want you to like them. And they're paying you an implicit compliment: they care about you enough to try to make you happy.

[madgeylou]

i applaud you for trying to work on this issue.

i have an ex-boyfriend who never believed a nice thing i said to him. he thought i was only saying nice things to him because i loved him, not because i thought they were true.

it pissed me off after a while, because what am i, some love-blinded idiot who cant tell the difference between something that appeals to me and something that doesnt? i give compliments freely, but not idly. it was indeed an insult to me to suggest that i was sucking up or just too dumbly in love to have a valid opinion.

[Mnemosyne]

Lots of good advice, thank you!

I admit, self esteem: not all that great sometimes.

One thing I really hadn't considered, was what the compliment-giver thought or felt when I shrugged the compliment. Very good insight!

[Lauxa]

Originally Posted by Mnemosyne

I don't have great hair, skin or looks. I don't buy really expensive clothes just to fit in. For the most part I'm okay with my appearance, I know there's certain things about myself that are in my power to change, and other things that are beyond my power to change. I don't have antlers or anything, but I'll never be a model of physical beauty. It's something I know and deal with everyday, not a big deal.

[...]

It goes beyond beauty-related compliments. I'm a Business Intelligence consultant in the IT industry. I was the team-lead on my last project, and the project pretty much failed. Some of the reasons it failed were way out of my control, but there were a few key items that I could have handled *much* better. So when someone says that I did a great job on that project, how can I believe that? They're probably just saying that to flatter me, because I messed up big time.

Hi Mnem,

Don't know if you'll check back here or not, but reading this I got the strong sense that you could benefit from mirror work, described by Louise Hay in "You Can Heal Your Life". It's basically a method of learning to love yourself by doing affirmations while looking at yourself in the mirror. She says that every time you pass by a mirror, you should say "I love you, I really love you" to your reflection while looking into your own eyes. People have a really hard time with this at first!

I can think of lots of other reasons people would say nice things to you!

Best of luck!

[Liara Covert]

Learning to accept compliments can seem scary when you're not used to sincere ones. Why are people sometimes uncomfortable accepting compliments? One of the most common reasons is that people genuinely believe that they don't deserve compliments. As you grow to acknowledge and accept compliments, its like thanking the person for complimenting you, and subtly sending the message the complimenter is clever and astute. Since you are encouraging someone else, you're also encouraging yourself to believe you deserve the attention. Your history may cause you to wonder if somone offering a compliment has an ulterior motive. Its in your interest to move beyond suspicions and negative emotions, and take compliments at face value. That's a way to learn to feel as though you really deserve them.

[Keith]

IMO, this is something you can practice - it's awkward in part because it's unfamiliar. Get a close and trusted friend to compliment you in private (get them to say things that they really mean) and just practice saying saying "thank you" for a bit.

Your husband seems to have already caught onto this, and sounds like he would help you practice.