Freaked out husband

[illuster]

My husband doesn’t know how to deal with emotional issues in our relationship. (Maybe I’m not putting that into words in the right way so I’ll try and explain through some examples...)
He’s a very laid-back and easy going guy but maybe that’s just the way for him not to deal with emotions...

For instance, he has an elaborate hobby and puts a lot of time and energy into it.
When we talked about this, I asked him why he felt the need to be away from home (me) so much and spend so much time at this other place (for his hobby). He said he isn’t running away from me. It’s not escapism, he just feels good at that other place and enjoys what he’s doing there.
I told him I thought it was because he gets a lot of validation from everybody there. They are constantly telling him (and me) how wonderful and talented he is. (And getting ‘addicted‘ to that is a form of escapism, right?)

He didn’t agree with me at that time. But a few months later we were talking to a mutual friend and he said the reason he spends so much time on his hobby was because he gets so much validation from the other people involved... I confronted him (in a light-hearted way) and told him he didn’t agree with me when I had made that exact point. He said he had thought about it and realized I was right...
Nice to hear but it took him months to figure this out!

He can deal with conflicts in his professional life and in his hobby. He doesn’t shy away from a discussion and is a very good listener. He’s very good at giving advice, a little too good at times...

But...
Whenever I try to talk to him about something that is bothering me in our relationship, he listens to what I say only he won’t join in. Now I’m not the shouting kind, I try not to attack him, push him into a corner or make him take all the blame.
But whenever I address something he reacts as if I’m pointing a gun at him:
He withdraws completely and I can see he’s thinking very hard. (you know how peoples eyes wander around, when they are desperately trying to make up a lie and have to think really fast) It looks like that only his thoughts are just going around in circles and he can’t seem to process them. So he just sits there looking completely freaked out and I can’t reach him anymore. He has told me once all he is thinking then is things like “I’m a failure, I’m hurting her, I’m making her unhappy,...”

It’s very frustrating and I get sooo angry at him. Because I get no feedback whatsoever and all I’m trying to do is start a constructive conversation where we can both figure out how to deal with a situation. I try to stay calm but my frustration is probably very obvious to him.

Recently I’ve realized that when I’ve had my say, he seems to think the issue is resolved...
But that way, I’m just venting frustrations and everything stays the same...

It’s not like we’re having issues at the moment. Everything is going very well. Yes, I know how that sounds after what I just wrote...
I’m just worried that someday, this might start to be a real problem... Any advice is welcome!

[moiselevi]

You did not mention his hobby .......
Is it something you could get involved in ?
Maybe if you did, he will feel closer to you, and might let you "inside" his closed world

Good luck

[illuster]

I do get involved in his hobby a little.
But I try not to get involved too much as it is his hobby, not mine.
And since he spends so much time away from home because of it, I don't want to give him an excuse (like: "well, you go there too!"). I like some of the other people involved but not all of them... Plus I'm a little ambivalent about it. Sometimes I kinda blame them/ the organisation for stealing him away too often...

He does let me into "his world" and into his head. But there are certain places he can't go himself so how can he let me into those...
Like he tells me he has a very dark side and he would hurt me (emotionally) if he lets that out. He’s told me a storie from a past relationship that still haunts him. He was a lot younger then and I think he has learned from the experience. Only he can’t come to terms with it or forgive himself for not reacting right.
I’m not that other girl so I can’t help him there by saying I forgive him...

I can’t believe we can be whole if we don’t accept or at least acknowledge our “dark side”... He’s afraid of it, as if he’s a monster. Only he’s the kindest man I know...

[Lanya]

I can't suggest much now, but I think it'd be very helpful to assure him that you still love him, even while you're frustrated.

Originally Posted by illuster

He does let me into "his world" and into his head. But there are certain places he can't go himself so how can he let me into those...
Like he tells me he has a very dark side and he would hurt me (emotionally) if he lets that out. He’s told me a storie from a past relationship that still haunts him. He was a lot younger then and I think he has learned from the experience. Only he can’t come to terms with it or forgive himself for not reacting right.
I’m not that other girl so I can’t help him there by saying I forgive him...

I can’t believe we can be whole if we don’t accept or at least acknowledge our “dark side”... He’s afraid of it, as if he’s a monster. Only he’s the kindest man I know...

That sounds ridiculously similar to me. I've never had a deep relationship for that very reason; I fear doing whatever your husband did. So I've never dated, or even had a deep friendship.

I am working on that with one of the moderators, Angela, though.

I haven't had any breakthroughs yet, so I'm sorry I can't help very much. But there a lot of insightful members here who'll be able to give you help. And they'll be helping me, too.

I wish you the very best of luck.

[carenkh]

The unfortunately titled book, Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps (I know! I almost don't want to recommend it, but it's good!) may provide some insight into how your husband processes things. It sounds like he just needs some time and space to consider things.

It also sounds like YOU need a hobby. That sounds snarky, but really - why are you worrying about something that may or may not be a problem in the future? If everything is fine now, BE in the now! Accept your husband, and enjoy it!

[Angela]

Any advice is welcome!

Illuster, welcome to the forums, and I hope you have a wonderful time here!

I started to write a long ol' answer to your posts, but I realized you'd probably feel like I was bludgeoning you and I should probably wait till you get used to me.

Basically it boils down to this: if you want your marriage to be a loving, long-term, mutually beneficial relationship (LLTMBR), filled with joy, power, and abundance, you would be wise to take 100% responsibility and let go of thinking all these issues are your husband's.

What do you think you are being and doing in this relationship that is having him be the way he is being?

[jude]

Originally Posted by Angela

Illuster, welcome to the forums, and I hope you have a wonderful time here!

I started to write a long ol' answer to your posts, but I realized you'd probably feel like I was bludgeoning you and I should probably wait till you get used to me.

Basically it boils down to this: if you want your marriage to be a loving, long-term, mutually beneficial relationship (LLTMBR), filled with joy, power, and abundance, you would be wise to take 100% responsibility and let go of thinking all these issues are your husband's.

Hi Illuster, I can really relate to what you are going through.Angelas advice is good. What I found was, I had to dig deep into myself to find the real me, this has given me confidence in myself,and the realisation of how much I love my husband warts and all.I try to think that a relationship is to bring out the best in each other, in a loving way, to be gentle and not to push and demand.Good luck Jude.
What do you think you are being and doing in this relationship that is having him be the way he is being?

[illuster]

Thanks for the responses!

@ carenkh: thanks for the advice, no offence taken, I have hobbies! I've heard of the book you mention, maybe I should read it. Sounds like fun in spite of the title.
Sometimes things gets stuck in your head and you worry about them. So instead of 'annoying' my husband with this, I thought I’d see what people on this forum had to say.

@ Angela I realize the “Any advice is welcome” sounded a bit desperate. What I actually meant was “any other way of looking at this” is welcome.
I’m not having doubts about my relationship, I just worry sometimes this might be something that could be a problem in the future (might, could, future... I know...)
I’m all for the 100% responsibility-approach although I’m not that good at it, yet.

@ Angela & Jude
What am I being or doing in this relationship that is having him be the way he is?
Well, I guess I’m being “a woman”... When I have a problem with something I address it. I start a conversation about it. And he, being a man and probably caught off guard, doesn’t know what to do with my “needs/grieves/anger” and the flood of words that accompanies them.
A smarter me would not get emotional and talk to him in a calm way and then give him time to think about it and respond or react (or leave it alone if he thinks that’s best).
Only I’m not that smart or patient... and when I’m upset, I want answers, immediatly...
So I guess I should be more patient...

[Tigerlilly]

Hi Illuster!

After reading Angela's post, I wasn't sure whether to post what went through my mind when I read your post, but there it is, you asked for advice and all I can give you is my pov.

You see, when I read your post, to me it says "I'm unhappy that my hubby spends so much time away from me and isn't sharing his thoughts and feelings with me on a satisfactory level." Which -putting myself in your hubby's shoes- to my ears translates into: You are NOT spending ENOUGH time with me, you are NOT sharing ENOUGH of yourself with me." And what remains as the overall message is: YOU NOT ENOUGH.

That to me IS what you're telling him. And what you are doing to me looks very much like a sugar coated effort to show him just how he is off track being the way he is and trying to pummel him into being more like how you'd like him to be.

Now, I'm sure you love your hubby and want him to be happy and support him, so this is a two-edged matter, cause I do also sense in your post a need for your hubby that might very well undermine your loving intentions and make you and your hubby unhappy, cause he might not be able or willing to give in to you on your terms.

I guess, you need to realise that it is YOUR terms you are currently putting down as the law on what is right in a relationship and that those terms might not be your hubby's. If you try to get him to do something or be something or say something, you'll naturally meet with resistance, after all you're trying to get him in line with your beliefs how he should be and behave as if he was some puppet in a play you conduct. That's a no go and a killer to love.

You need to have that inner freedom to sit on your bum, happily live your life and let him be with you on his own terms at least to a considerable degree to give your love together some breathing space and room to really unfold.

[ar81]

To me the most important question is:
How could you make your relationship to transition from "holding things together and glued" to "growing and developing and improving ourselves thanks to each other"?

This is a question you must answer.

As I see it now there is a problem of compatibility of life plans. Or perhaps he is addicted to his hobby.
If it is addiction the problem is somewhere else, an inner pain, a past experience during early childhood.
If life plan is the problem, then there is a problem that is not related to love. But it is serious and needs to be discussed.

[Angela]

Illuster, Tigerlilly pretty much nailed what I was talking about.

And if you turn it around, you'll see that it's not your husband that's not enough -- your real limiting belief has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with yourself.

In fact, it might be a good idea for you to turn around every statement you made in your original post, and see how it's about you, not him.

[ar81]

I would say thinking about "us", not "you and me".
People have things that unite them, and things that separates them.
People need personal growth, and people have emotional needs.
The problem seems a matter of fixing the "terms of (emotional) contract" to see if those issues can be solved.

In a relationship there is no one to blame.
What needs to be fixed is the interaction, not people.
Therefore Angela, I disagree with you.

[illuster]

Again thanks for all your replies.
I’m starting to think maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to start this thread.
It’s just so hard for me to put things into words so people will interpret what I’m trying to say correctly. An no matter how hard I try, I can’t give you the whole story, you’d have to be here...
So I’ve been feeling a bit uncomfortable with all these opinions about our life.
(I know, I asked and you all gave, and I appreciate it, it just feels awkward...)

My husband is very capable of talking about his emotions and sharing his thoughts with me. He is sharing enough of himself.
I don’t expect him to tell me everything he feels or does.

I’m also very much aware that my needs/wishes/demands are just that: they are mine. Not ours, not his. The fact that I’m voicing them doesn’t mean he has to do anything with them.

But! When I try to address something I’m not ok with, he withdraws completely.
I’d get it if we was withdrawing because he thought “You’re wrong, you’re making demands I can’t meet, you want to turn me into someone I’m not, etc... ”
But all he is thinking is: “I’m a failure, I’m hurting her, I’m a bad man, I’m making her unhappy...”

That’s not the kind of thoughts you’d want someone you love to have.
I know it’s not him who’s making me unhappy. I know it’s my own thoughts, expectations, hopes,... I’d just like to be able to talk about those things. Even/especially if that means he won’t agree with me or meet my demands in any way.
I’m not telling him he’s a failure! I would never do or even think that. He’s doing it, himself. And how can I reach him then? How can I make it clear to him: the fact I’m not ok with something doesn’t mean he’s a failure... That it’s just a possibility for the both of us to learn from one another.

I’m not putting my terms down as the law. I don’t see him as a puppet I can control. If our relationship was like that, we would not have gotten married, believe me!