Agonising over decisions

[ScotiaCoast]

Plain and simple, I tend to agonise over almost every decision I have to make (especially those that seem important enough to affect my life on a longer term). For instance, for the past three years I have been endlessly agonising over what path to take in university and a career, but have still come up with no solution. The average student would be going into their last year of studies by now, but my inability to make a decision has paralysed me to the point where I can't even declare a major. I know logically that I would probably have been better off picking a major and sticking with it, and that this decision doesn't have to dictate the rest of my life; but when I try to actually make this decision I freeze up, agonise over every option and their consequences, and just become frustrated. I tend to try to please everyone, and I think I may be doing the same with myself -- trying to please every aspect of myself.. the humanitarian, the artist, the practical and logical side. By selecting a certain major or two, I always feel like I'll have to abandon one of these parts of myself, something I'm never willing to do. I want to find and live my bliss, and (again rationally) know that there is no wrong path to finding it; if I try something for a while and realise that it's not what I've been looking for, then I will know to adjust my direction and move on. In practice, however, I just spend all of my time worrying about things like this. I fear making wrong decisions and living in regret (which not making decisions makes me feel anyway). Every year since the start of university, for instance, I have applied to transfer to one or more schools, but when it comes time to actually move on, I choke and end up staying put at my old university, as confused as ever about the direction of my life. I've wanted to get out of my current university pretty badly since the start, and it feels like I'm sabotaging myself every time I come crawling back. In making these decisions, I tend to oscillate from overly idealist to utterly practical. One hour I might be extremely enthusiastic about the opportunities a new university would present me with and the excitement of it all, and the next I'll brush it off as a completely impractical exit from my current situation. I think I believe a little bit of both. I feel like I brood over every possible detail for and against a decision.. but in the end, it usually comes down to "I just don't like it there/I think I'll like it better somewhere else" My reason for staying put usually, "I'll miss things here if I leave." Not very rational. I do the same thing with minor decisions, too, such as summer jobs, what to do on the weekends, etc. I just can't seem to make things easy for myself and leave as many options open as possible. This has become quite debilitating for me, and I want to get past it. All areas of my life have suffered because things like this are always on my mind (success in school work, social life, family life, etc.) I want to change my patterns of thinking, calm my mind, and move forward. I want to be able to live my life again without feeling crippled by impending decisions and their consequences. Although I've always been a bit of a perfectionist (okay, maybe more than just a bit), there was a time when I wasn't constantly plagued by these irrational fears - I think it ended shortly before university started three years ago.

I'm sorry for this rant -- but if anybody has any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

[ar81]

Read
Decision making - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Do not push yourself.
Be as informed as you can before making a decision.
If you are confused, DO NOT make a decision. Normally under confusion you pick the wrong choice.

[Lanya]

I'm very glad that you really want to make an effort to live your ideal life.

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to encourage you, and I'm sure there will be lots more advice for you soon.

[ScotiaCoast]

Thank you both very much.

That was a very interesting read, ar81! It's always enlightening to see a topic from so many different perspective, but I just can't seem to get much out of it. Maybe I'll give it a second read.

You say not to make a decision if I am confused.. but that's exactly the problem. I've been in a state of confusion for the past 3 years to the point of inertia. How can one push forward and get past this sort of state? What does one do if a decision "must" be made in the coming months, weeks, or even days?

[Lanya]

It looks like it's not so much about making decisions as it is going through with the commitment once you decide, considering you've made applications to transfer to schools and such.

Steve has an article that sort of relates to this. But the basis of it is to make a decision not to "do the right thing," but just for the experience of seeing what it's like. Maybe that's more motivating?

[ar81]

Originally Posted by ScotiaCoast

Thank you both very much.

That was a very interesting read, ar81! It's always enlightening to see a topic from so many different perspective, but I just can't seem to get much out of it. Maybe I'll give it a second read.

You say not to make a decision if I am confused.. but that's exactly the problem. I've been in a state of confusion for the past 3 years to the point of inertia. How can one push forward and get past this sort of state? What does one do if a decision "must" be made in the coming months, weeks, or even days?

Confusion comes from lack of inner peace or lack of information.
If problem is lack of information, do some research.
If problem is lack of inner peace, the process lasts longer.
Inner peace is usually a matter of reconnecting to "your soul", the "divine part of you", "God" or whatever you want to call it. Upon reconnection, you connect to the "big database of wisdom". Prayers, meditation, and discipline to have a persistent process to achieve peace, are things you will need.

Avoid drugs to have "peace". Drugs do not bring peace, only a momentary illusion of peace and then ugly effects and biochemical brain problems that makes your load bigger.

[ZHereford]

Hi ScotiaCoast,

Here are couple of articles I wrote that offer helpful strategies. We all have to make decisions and taking a systematic approach helps clarify and pinpoint your stumbling blocks:

Keys To Making A Good Decision

and

Critical Thinking

Hope it helps!

[ar81]

I believe the right thread name should be "Agonising over confusion"