What keeps me from taking action

[Chill of Eons]

Hello, fellow humans. I hope you’re all doing better than I am. Well I probably shouldn’t say that, as it makes me sound ungrateful for the good things in my life, which are many, though not money.

At 26 (now), my existence has ever been mired in stagnation. Be forewarned, the following is not organized too well, so if people don’t want to read it I have only myself to blame for that.

I’m in a comfortable, though not quite stable, situation. Mom can’t cover the house bills on her own, even with the help of my younger brother who makes more than me, though she could also rent the garage out for more income. So my income is needed as well, and I give it (yes, pretty much all of it). I don’t want to still be living in my mom’s house by age 30, but that’s exactly what will happen if I don’t make some big changes, and soon.

One of my biggest problems is that I have so few interests. I just DO so little. I don’t watch TV though! I used to draw a lot, and I was pretty okay, and still am, but now I almost never draw because I’m afraid to for some reason, most likely fatal perfectionism and the belief that I won’t enjoy it (drawing), which is indeed the case when I apply said perfectionism.

What do I do for fun? Well, I’m addicted to fiction, and that’s largely it. From age 8 to several years ago it was videogames, but now it’s staggeringly epic, ultra imaginative and endlessly ingenious plots, such as Dune by Frank Herbert. At least it isn’t drugs. But in addition to that I spend a deal of the rest of my time ruminating, which is a deal less fun and probably not much better for me, though it makes me feel less like I’m sticking my head in the sand.

I have social anxiety, partly in the form of being prejudiced against young liberal hipsters. You know, the ones that do drugs and stuff, or at least get intoxicated frequently. I cannot identify with them very much. They strike me almost invariably as being vastly inconsiderate and brazenly disrespectful to anyone who dares openly disagree with them about anything. I hope I’m wrong about that, there’s no way I can be entirely right on the matter. Still, I feel like I have to stay biased against them for my own safety and morals.

I feel like I’m not close enough to anyone, because I don’t know anyone at all who I feel even remotely comfortable saying just anything I think about to, since to me everything I say has to be intelligible and have a reason or at least relate to the current topic, and if I say something that doesn’t go anywhere I usually feel awkward, even ashamed. I’ve never even gotten used to it, probably because I hate it so much that I don’t do it often enough to get used to it.

Another one of the biggest problems in general is that I feel truly stupid. I never get in arguments (and indeed hardly even express disagreement, especially with people I don’t know well) because I think pretty much anyone could make me quickly unable to come up with a response (imagine how idiotic I’d feel then!), though if I’ve learned that from some limited “traumatic” experience I don’t recall it clearly. I’m very hesitant to engage in activities of any sort with others because I am, compared to most people, very slow to learn and the thought of looking so clueless, and them saying something like “What’s the holdup?” seems unbearable. Hell, I feel like most kids are smarter than me too. So when “forced” into such a situation I feel it’s safer to apologize in advance for my supposed handicap, and maybe even get mad at myself openly a little. What a drainer, huh?

Virtually all of my fears boil down to thinking I can’t handle (or am guaranteed to act like I can’t handle) repeated failures after wholehearted attempts, the latter (and thus the former) in which are so exceedingly rare for me, and that I’ll awfulize and fume righteously at the air and decide to kill myself. Yes, I really do think I’m that immature and incompetent, so I have to find a way to believe otherwise, permanently. NLP sounds like a great idea, but by this point I really doubt I would be anywhere near persistent enough to give it enough of a chance. And there are no quick solutions, I know! This is a relative lifetime of fuzzy crap I have to dig my way up and out of.

Yes, I bought and read Brain Building In Just 12 Weeks, but of course haven’t done much more than read. Just the thought of attempting many of those exercises, like getting lost on purpose or thinking in visuals rather than words when reading, has me cringing from the too-common human aversion to intellectual labor. Why, it’s something of a bear just for me to write this post, that’s why I’ve put it off for so long.

I have ridiculous magical expectations for every new thing I try. I’ve read and reread many of Steve’s articles of course, and will continue to read more, and they always seem to make me feel better (as in, I’m going to make things better), but only in the moment. I seldom actually apply anything, and when I do I usually give up after just a couple of days. If I don’t see immediate results, I lose faith. I used to consider myself a patient person, but what I really am is complacent. That’s the bad kind of patient.

One major factor is the feeling, the ‘shouldness’, that I must do pretty much everything by myself, and that if I seek help from others who are further on in their journey so to speak (that would be most people, in my view), or even allow them to assist me significantly if they ask on their own accord, I will owe them, even if they insist I don’t, and I’ll be ridden with anxiety and guilt, feeling unable to reciprocate (since I feel so incompetent to begin with) and thus appear less than sufficiently appreciative. This notion is obviously highly toxic and serves me in no way, yet to let it go I have to actually, consistently put myself in such situations and stop avoiding them.

So rarely do I ever, to my recollection, push myself to do anything I’m not already used to doing. Is that stagnation or what? The obvious solution is to get used to doing a lot of things. There is no way to make it easy, but there have to be ways to make it easiER, in addition to just doing it.

So that was nowhere near all of my problems of course, but I have to draw the line somewhere and actually finish the post (which has taken me at least five hours total), even though I feel like I have to mention everything in the first post, which I suspect is a disempowering thought for me because it further reinforces my perfectionism. What I am looking for is advice, if my problems seem to make any sense that is. If more clarification is needed, I’ll do my best. Thanks for reading!

[Swannie]

Great.

You've realised what you need to do. Action.

You've stared the ball rolling by posting on here. Now go out and *do* something. Ideally something where you interact with people. Martial arts or partner dancing classes are great. They are usually set up to take beginners into a beginners course, so you aren't alone on your new journey. They, or similar activities, build confidence, will get you out talking to people and are a great vehicle to start with.

Forget the 2 hours a day of personal development reading etc. for now. It sounds like you don't have strong frames of reference to hang the ideas on. Until you do, you'll get frustrated that you have all of this knowledge, but don't know how to use it. You create huge expectations for yourself. Best to keep the expectations small and simple. That doesn't mean they can't be huge in scope, but one or two small detailed steps at a time. Don't try to fill in too many details of what you expect yourself to achieve,

It is all too easy to "read" and think you are taking action. You are doing what Steve has recently called your opening game. However if you only stick at the opening game, you're not getting very far.

I think a lot of people get a lot of value from doing the intellectual work of where you want to be in 3 or 5 years time... the Covey inspired "what would you like people to say about you at your funeral in 3 years time - a relative, a close friend, a senior person in your company and a someone from a community group". Sounds like you have identified some things you feel you lack... you need to identify what fills those gaps and visualise it clearly.

Though where you are at the moment, I'd expect to come back to that very regularly.

It's okay to be in your head. It's good. A lot of people don't think stuff over. However a lot of people never leave. The world is outside, not inside.

[Angela]

Yeah. It doesn't matter if you spend 2 hours a day on personal development, or if you go out into the world and take action.

No one's advice is going to make a lick of difference to you in living a life you love, nothing is going to penetrate your thick skull, not as long as you're believing your own thoughts:

"I am stupid and incompetent."
"I must be biased against people to protect my safety and morals."
"I must do everything myself."

You've been believing those thoughts are The Truth, and allowing them to run you for a long time. How long are you going to keep doing that?

[inquiringmind4u]

Chill,

Would you like to hear one of the most freeing facts about human existence?

You don't have to amount to anything in the eyes of the world... nor in your own eyes for that matter. There... the pressure is off!

I really mean that... this insane world wants everyone to believe that a successful life is somehow connected to what you become in society... connected to what people agree is special and unique about you... or connected to what you yourself believe is special about you.

True success is measured by an altogether different standard.

See, one of the biggest reasons why people find themselves frozen in inaction is because we look around ourselves and see so many other people who appear to be so much more successful than ourselves... they're driven... they have countless accomplishments... it seems like they can do anything... and for us it seems hopeless.

But success according to society's rules is not real success at all. How do you know? Because in nearly all cases, if those same successful people are suddenly thrown into circumstances that destroy their successes, they actually experience fear, anxiety, a sense that they have lost something.

Now you tell me? If my successes have the power to send me into a tailspin, are they truly successes? Said differently, if my successes are the same objects that can inflict pain in my life when they change, how can I possibly call myself successful.

Truly successful individuals are much, much rarer than we think. Honestly, I would say maybe 1 in 100,000 (at best) discovers the nature of true success. True success is something that nothing in this world can touch in any way whatsoever.

How do I find it? For starters, by questioning anything that sends me into fear or anxiety if it looks like I won't be able to achieve it.

The more you refuse to chase the things that fear tells you you might miss out on, the more you are in command of your own life. And with that unseen pressure lifted from your shoulders (along with the false promises of this world) you will quite easily be able to find and stick with your aims in life... because you will be pursuing them for totally different reasons.

Hope this helps.

Tim

[Niamh]

Random gut feeling...
I say you'd make a wonderful (fiction) writer. Give it a go!

[inquiringmind4u]

Originally Posted by Niamh

Random gut feeling...
I say you'd make a wonderful (fiction) writer. Give it a go!

Niamh -- I can assure you that no fiction was written in the reply I posted. I would be more than happy to expand on (and appreciative to know about) anything that wasn't clear in my post.

Tim

[Niamh]

Originally Posted by inquiringmind4u

Niamh -- I can assure you that no fiction was written in the reply I posted. I would be more than happy to expand on (and appreciative to know about) anything that wasn't clear in my post.

Tim

Tim: I meant to reply to the thread (to Chill). Sorry about the misunderstanding. The way you responded is admirable though! Kudos to you


I love Chill's writing style. That's one of the reasons for my suggestion.

What do I do for fun? Well, I’m addicted to fiction, and that’s largely it.

This is why I threw in "fiction".

I used to draw a lot, and I was pretty okay, and still am, but now I almost never draw because I’m afraid to for some reason, most likely fatal perfectionism and the belief that I won’t enjoy it (drawing), which is indeed the case when I apply said perfectionism.

+ Perfectionism in writing is a good thing. We want masterpieces, don't we?
+ You can hit "delete" a billion times & the page won't rip.
+ Many great writers say they don't enjoy writing, but love having written (I personally think it's the case with most). So... you wouldn't have to fear not enjoying it; you pro'lly won't. ^_^ You might still love it though.

I feel like I’m not close enough to anyone, because I don’t know anyone at all who I feel even remotely comfortable saying just anything I think about to, since to me everything I say has to be intelligible and have a reason or at least relate to the current topic, and if I say something that doesn’t go anywhere I usually feel awkward, even ashamed.

+ The blank page loooooouves you! *cough* until you get writers block *cough* It'll never make you feel awkward.

I never get in arguments (and indeed hardly even express disagreement, especially with people I don’t know well) because I think pretty much anyone could make me quickly unable to come up with a response (imagine how idiotic I’d feel then!)

+ You're always in control when it comes to your own stories.

I’m very hesitant to engage in activities of any sort with others because I am, compared to most people, very slow to learn and the thought of looking so clueless, and them saying something like “What’s the holdup?” seems unbearable.

+ You can take all the time you need to get it "just right".

*shrugs* Point is... it might be something to consider. It has nothing to do with Chill's reason for posting, but it's what I pick up.

[inquiringmind4u]

Originally Posted by Niamh

Tim: I meant to reply to the thread (to Chill). Sorry about the misunderstanding. The way you responded is admirable though! Kudos to you

Ohhhh..... I completely missed the connection!

Originally Posted by Niamh

The way you responded is admirable though! Kudos to you

Same to you! <tips hat gently>

[z1freeride]

Originally Posted by Chill of Eons

Hello, fellow humans. ...

I firmly believe that understanding the root problem should be the first step in "personal development." That way you know what's a symptom and what is a cause. Procrastination and perfectionism are symptoms of a deeper problem.

I thought I knew a lot about perfectionism and procrastination until I read some of NickPagan.com's articles.

Take a look at some of these articles:
Antidote to Perfectionism
Procrastination

[justfiverules]

OP, I mention this book a lot - you might enjoy Anthony De Mello's world views as outlined in his book, "Awareness."

There are some great stories and one-liners in there e.g. "I'm an ass. You're an ass." ;-)

[ar81]

If your problem is lack of action... I suggest one action: Take a vacation in space Orbiter - A free space flight simulator
Dream a little bit, learn a lot, do a lot.

If your problem is not action, but loneliness, go meet people.
If you do not feel compelled to feel people but still you feel lonely, you probably need to do some meditation, for it is result of an empty soul that needs to be spiritually filled.

As for social anxiety, have you been in an alien place away from parents before age of 4?
If you get to revive this primordial fear from childhood and cure it as you understand its origin during that stage, you could relate easier with others.
If problem is a very controlling father or mother, I would advise to put some distance and move to an apartment.