Part of me feels kinda dead....

[seeker5]

For the past 3 months, I've been going back and forth on whether to start an MBA, or go venture and try to make a living doing something I love, whatever that is. One day I’d be completely convinced to go one way…then a few days later change my mind and go the other way, and back and forth. Unfortunately, most of the time I'd change my mind because of the huge amount of raw fear I'd feel through my vein. I quit my job early June because I couldn't take it anymore and wanted to free myself from working at something I don't love.

I decided to do the MBA Thursday after thinking long and hard from Erin's reading and from everything I had considered. I journaled, and worked out a lot of my fears and felt finally, for the first time in 3 months, at peace to start an MBA. But then the next day, I started feeling somewhat dead inside. I went and bought a car yesterday as I haven't had a car in over a year. Instead of feeling happy and excited to finally have a car of my own, I felt even more dead within me.

So, I dunno. The alternative is scary as hell for me - living on my own, seeing my savings dwindle down, fear running through my veins. I know when I experience that kind of raw fear, I'm completely blocked, I can't do anything. I can see why my guides would tell Erin to do the MBA route as that seems safest to me, but yet it feels now that I'm just doing the MBA so I can have something to do, as a "job", instead of something I'd love to do. I used to love the idea of studying business all day long back earlier this year when I applied to MBA school, that used to feel great. But now, seeing it as a "job"... bleh. Then seeing myself get a job after graduation, even at a humanitarian company..bleh.

I know part of me realizes that maybe because I've let fear run my life for so long - most of my life that I can't just turn around on a dime and instantly live as if it's not there, that it could take me a few years to be able to focus on living without fear and focus 100% on making a living on my purpose.

MBA starts in 2 weeks and in that time, I've planned on traveling to the city this coming week to go find a place to live. Maybe I can just go through orientation, and see how I like it.

I dunno, sorry for the rant, I try not to rant and complain on here, but I'm having a very hard time with this.

[Dan.Linehan]

Take responsibility for your feelings. You are feeling dead inside because you aren't doing things you love..

What do you love? Apparently it's not buying cars. If the MBA path isn't inspiring to you -- what do you have to do to make it more challenging and fun?

By the way, it's a little hard for me to read your post objectively, because if I ever had the chance to get my bachelors, let alone an MBA, I'd be simply overflowing with joy and gratitude that the universe thought highly enough of me to grant me those opportunities. I've never really had money for college, beyond a handful of classes here and there.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Take responsibility for your feelings. You are feeling dead inside because you aren't doing things you love..

Yeah, I don't feel my heart is completely into the MBA at this point. That concerns me too because I know that unless my heart is completely into the MBA for the course sake, I won't do well in it.

What do you love? Apparently it's not buying cars. If the MBA path isn't inspiring to you -- what do you have to do to make it more challenging and fun?

Hmmm. I don't know what I love for sure. I know I do love thinking about organization, and I do like to analyze businesses and things like that, and think about how to improve someone's business or organization. I also have some inspiring ideas of what to do in the future though too involving creating organizations, starting some online sites.

By the way, it's a little hard for me to read your post objectively, because if I ever had the chance to get my bachelors, let alone an MBA, I'd be simply overflowing with joy and gratitude that the universe thought highly enough of me to grant me those opportunities. I've never really had money for college, beyond a handful of classes here and there.

Well, I don't have money for the MBA, while I do have a $10K scholarship, I'm also taking out a $60K loan from the federal gov. for it. Hmmm, sometimes, a big part of me feels that if I had $60K cash, I might rather live on my own with no job and school for 2 -4 years and concentrate on PD, working on inspiring things, starting online business, learning about business through reading rather then use it to pay for an MBA.

[Dan.Linehan]

Yep, that's what has kept me from getting my degrees. I decided a long time ago that degrees weren't worth getting into debt for, and that I would save up money to get them.

$60k sounds like a lot -- wow. I don't want to go against Erin's reading, but I would be severely hesitant to incur that much debt.

Then again, maybe the dollar will hyper-inflate by the time you have to pay it back and $60,000 will be like, a couple months pay.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Yep, that's what has kept me from getting my degrees. I decided a long time ago that degrees weren't worth getting into debt for, and that I would save up money to get them.

Yeah, and after finally getting out of debt back in October for the first time in 6-7 years, I decided to never to get into debt again....and here I am about to mega-big time.

$60k sounds like a lot -- wow. I don't want to go against Erin's reading, but I would be severely hesitant to incur that much debt.

To be fair, Erin did say my guides hated the idea of the $60K debt and that I should do my best to reduce that down as much as possible. And that my guides said an MBA wasn't a required step, and they aren't sure what path for me to take, but that they feel it's probably best for me to do the MBA for now.

Then again, maybe the dollar will hyper-inflate by the time you have to pay it back and $60,000 will be like, a couple months pay.

Hehe

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by seeker5

To be fair, Erin did say my guides hated the idea of the $60K debt and that I should do my best to reduce that down as much as possible. And that my guides said an MBA wasn't a required step, and they aren't sure what path for me to take, but that they feel it's probably best for me to do the MBA for now.

Are your guides basically recommending the MBA courses as a way to keep you in a safe, secure environment? If so, is there a way to achieve a safe, secure environment without getting an MBA?

I mean, if they aren't really enthusiastic about the MBA program, and you aren't really enthusiastic about the MBA program, and the only real reason you're doing the MBA program is because the perceived alternative might be a big mistake, isn't there a way to still avoid the big mistake and still have a little more fun over the next couple years?

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Are your guides basically recommending the MBA courses as a way to keep you in a safe, secure environment?

Yeah, that's the feeling I got, and so I could get a job after I graduate. And the reason for the job afterward is to have a safe, secure environment and be financially comfortable while I work on my life's purpose on the side. My guides are concerned that if I don't live financially comfortable, I'll give up on living on my purpose.

If so, is there a way to achieve a safe, secure environment without getting an MBA?

I mean, if they aren't really enthusiastic about the MBA program, and you aren't really enthusiastic about the MBA program, and the only real reason you're doing the MBA program is because the perceived alternative might be a big mistake, isn't there a way to still avoid the big mistake and still have a little more fun over the next couple years?

Yes, you got a good understanding. It would be nice to figure an alternative way do that.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by seeker5

My guides are concerned that if I don't live financially comfortable, I'll give up on living on my purpose.

I share their concern. Financial security seems to be very important to you, even more than your purpose for now. Instead of acting on those fears however, I'd recommend reading Busting Loose From The Money Game first of all.

Feeling dead inside is not a good sign when you're about to start a new project!

[pianoperformer]

Are you perhaps afraid of commitment? You were excited about it, but now it's about to start and you are afraid of making the wrong decision. I think perhaps you're afraid of having a job, too. You seem to see it as something evil, or to be dealt with, and not something you could actually enjoy.

I'd recommend the MBA, only because there really seems to be no alternative. You don't know what you would rather do. You have to figure that out and make a long-term plan for yourself. I feel like you're just treading water right now, not really knowing where to go.

Alternatively, could you postpone it for a year and just get a job temperarily to let you try to find something you want to do? I wouldn't want to go into that much debt either if I wasn't positive that's what I wanted to do.

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by seeker5

I decided to do the MBA Thursday after thinking long and hard from Erin's reading and from everything I had considered. I journaled, and worked out a lot of my fears and felt finally, for the first time in 3 months, at peace to start an MBA. But then the next day, I started feeling somewhat dead inside. I went and bought a car yesterday as I haven't had a car in over a year. Instead of feeling happy and excited to finally have a car of my own, I felt even more dead within me.

Stick with your original decision to do the MBA.

That numbness might very well be due to the excessive amount of energy you spent in agonising and trying to reach a decision. It might be purely physical. When I was younger I often found that if I was on an extreme emotional high one day, the next day would see me feel dead inside and totally depleted, like I had no emotion left inside of me, cause my energy WAS depleted.

And your post made me remember something from the Artist's way about creative U-turns. "We usually commit creative hara-kiri either on the eve of or in the wake of a first creative victory.... An artistic U-turn arrives on a sudden wave of indifference..."

You make some break-through decision about your life, you feel relieved and at peace when you reach the decision, but suddenly a day later you feel indifferent not just to that decision but to the whole of life. That's treacherous, I wouldn't trust myself in thinking that this dead feeling is pointing out a valid path to take in my life.

[Savage]

You're chunking the entire MBA into one huge commitment, yet you haven't even started classes yet. You're framing the degree like entering a tunnel -- once you enter it, you have to come out the other end in a very linear fashion.

You have a lot more flexibility than this, however.

Why not just do the first semester of the MBA program? Then you can make a more informed decision. If you like it, keep going. If not, you'll have eliminated the wrong path with greater clarity, and you'll have a much better sense of the right path.

It would be nearly impossible to know in advance whether an MBA is right/wrong for you unless you dive in and try it.

There's no shame in quitting after the first semester... or even the first week.

Colleges and other people may appreciate a long-term commitment from you, but conscious growth has a lot of twists and turns. When you lack clarity about your path, it's often better to be flexible than committed.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

I share their concern. Financial security seems to be very important to you, even more than your purpose for now.

Yeah, "Financial Security" is a better term then what I used above. I, unfortunately have a need to know that I can live in a place, have healthy food with some basic stuff like internet at home. Just basic stuff to survive and be safe and have an avenue to grow. Knowing I won't anytime soon face the prospect of having to make a decision between going to the homeless shelter or taking a soul-draining job I hate.

Kinda like going to a forest and knowing I can avoid the lion who wants to slowly tear my limbs off. If I see the lion, even at a distance, then this fear runs through me and I can't focus on being loving, and peaceful and living on purpose.

I wish that wasn't the case, I wish I was like you or other people who are able to fearlessly see this lion and not be concerned at all.

Instead of acting on those fears however, I'd recommend reading Busting Loose From The Money Game first of all.

Yeah, I'm going to try to get that book.

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

Are you perhaps afraid of commitment?

Yeah, I have seen this as a 5 year committment - 2 year MBA, at least 3 years job after that to work on paying it off....

I think perhaps you're afraid of having a job, too.

Yeah, I am.

You seem to see it as something evil, or to be dealt with, and not something you could actually enjoy.

Yup. I've probably had a dozen jobs by now in different fields, none of which I'd ever want to go back to. So I guess the idea of enjoying a job and feeling that I'd rather be working at my job then doing anything else isn't a feeling I've had at least since I graduated college 7-8 years ago.

I'd recommend the MBA, only because there really seems to be no alternative. You don't know what you would rather do.

Well, I have some idea of some things I'd love to do, but not sure how to get there.

Alternatively, could you postpone it for a year and just get a job temperarily to let you try to find something you want to do?

Ugh, the thought of getting a job just to survive....bleh. Although, if it was a job that I'd love to do, then maybe. I don't know now what I could do that I'd love to do with my skill level.

Hmmm, I'll go and think about Tigerlilly and Steve's post and reply later on.

[pianoperformer]

seeker5,

I'd recommend trying to find what it is you love to do, then come up with a path to be able to do that thing while making enough money to live comfortably, as you want to do.

Until then, yes, you may have to work at jobs you don't love, but if you have a clear path in mind, I don't think it will be too bad.

You might actually be able to find a traditional job that allows you to do what you love. I would not dismiss that option outright.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

You're chunking the entire MBA into one huge commitment, yet you haven't even started classes yet. You're framing the degree like entering a tunnel -- once you enter it, you have to come out the other end in a very linear fashion.

You have a lot more flexibility than this, however.

Why not just do the first semester of the MBA program? Then you can make a more informed decision. If you like it, keep going. If not, you'll have eliminated the wrong path with greater clarity, and you'll have a much better sense of the right path.

Thanks Steve, that may be a much better way to look at it. I can probably take the first few days of class too and quit and still get my money back and refund the loan. Although, if I quit after the first semester, that's probably $15K in debt there. But I may be better off trying it with the idea of being able to quit. Better then staying here where I'm at and doing nothing.

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

Until then, yes, you may have to work at jobs you don't love, but if you have a clear path in mind, I don't think it will be too bad.

No, I refuse to do a job I don't love or find a good purpose to it. Five years ago, in a hurry because I had no money left and had to put my rent on my visa credit card, I took what I figured to be a temporary job. I figured I'd stay there less then 90 days until I found something I liked better. I ended staying there 4 years. Four years of working at a job I really disliked a lot, feeling I could do so much better. When I work at a job I really disliked, it robs me of energy and I come home and try to distract myself, day after day, month after month and year after year. Never again.

[pianoperformer]

seeker5, sadly, you may not have a choice, unless you have a lot of savings you are willing to spend until you figure out what you want to do. I really think you could find a moderate path here.

[uberinquisitive]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

I'd recommend trying to find what it is you love to do, then come up with a path to be able to do that thing while making enough money to live comfortably, as you want to do.

Until then, yes, you may have to work at jobs you don't love, but if you have a clear path in mind, I don't think it will be too bad.

You might actually be able to find a traditional job that allows you to do what you love. I would not dismiss that option outright...

I really think you could find a moderate path here.

Wise words.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

seeker5, sadly, you may not have a choice, unless you have a lot of savings you are willing to spend until you figure out what you want to do. I really think you could find a moderate path here.

Others are able to avoid working at jobs they don't love while they figure out what they love to do, without having any savings at all or getting into more debt and still be able to live safely.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

seeker5, sadly, you may not have a choice, unless you have a lot of savings you are willing to spend until you figure out what you want to do. I really think you could find a moderate path here.

This sounds to me like a disempowering mindset. Besides, Seeker said he knows what he wants to do, he just doesn't know how yet.

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Others are able to avoid working at jobs they don't love while they figure out what they love to do, without having any savings at all or getting into more debt and still be able to live safely.

Um, how? Unless you depend on someone else. You're going to either have to use savings, or work at a job, as far as I can see it.

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

This sounds to me like a disempowering mindset. Besides, Seeker said he knows what he wants to do, he just doesn't know how yet.

No, I think it's realistic, as much as it may not be ideal.

[Angela]

Seeker5, if you were bringing being Awe and Free-Flowing to these questions of education and financial security, what would be possible?

It just occurred to me, is there a belief that sounds something like "believing I am receiving abundance (or power) is stupid and dangerous"?

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Angela

Seeker5, if you were bringing being Awe and Free-Flowing to these questions of education and financial security, what would be possible?

I'd be like Rose of Cairo in this matter . Going along, not being overly worried much about money (at least nothing on the scale I'm currently concerned about) and having one thing or another miracously happen to help me out do what I love to do without having a job I don't want and still being able to live quite comfortably and full of love and wonderful things happening.

It just occurred to me, is there a belief that sounds something like "believing I am receiving abundance (or power) is stupid and dangerous"?

Hmmm, I don't think I do. Maybe "Assuming I'm going to receive abundance in the future without concrete evidence of it now is stupid and dangerous" as it may lead me to spend money now with no way of replenishing it. I have done that in the past, when I graduated from college. I had several thousands dollars, and had quit a lucrative programming job and assumed I'd be able to get a decent paying job in a different field doing something different, something I'd love to do.

So I spent 5-6 months spending that money assuming I'll be able to easily replenish it, as well as replenishing the stuff I gave up when I started to move from one state to another. Instead, I wasn't able to get a job I loved, and went broke, and in debt, and started a 5-6 year jouney of being broke, taking soul-crushing jobs I hated at the last minute just to survive, living month to month, with an old broken down car, being stuck, feeling of dispair and depression, etc. I only recently emerged from this state about a year and a half ago, and finally got a good financial situation about a year ago, with that job I quit 2 months ago that allowed me to pay off the debt from all of those years, and save up money.

I know do have a lot of bad limiting financial beliefs. Despite starting a thread about it a little while ago to try to address some of them, I still hold some of these limiting beliefs like "Being in debt and broke means I'm ruined and unable to do anything in life", "If I am not supporting myself nicely, I am a failure and worthless", and I do seem to equate being broke to being all alone and lonely, eating bad food, being depressed, etc. I know at this point with my total resistance in taking jobs I don't love, I'm quite scared of ending like one of those broken homeless guys, like Samuel's Jackson's character in "Ressurecting the Champ".

Hmmm, I may also not really believe in myself in being able to get a job I'd love to have. I realized while reading Dave Pelzer's book "Moving Forward" a few days ago that I don't really believe in myself.

[Angela]

That's funny, because I believe in you, and I sense that everybody else here does, too. But I can see how it would be impossible for you to hear that without rejecting it (as stupid and dangerous, maybe? ) because you've been practicing believing your own thoughts so hard and for so long.

And that thought makes it feel a little dangerous for me to say this to you.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Angela

That's funny, because I believe in you, and I sense that everybody else here does, too. But I can see how it would be impossible for you to hear that without rejecting it (as stupid and dangerous, maybe? ) because you've been practicing believing your own thoughts so hard and for so long.

And that thought makes it feel a little dangerous for me to say this to you.

hehe Nah, I didn't feel dangerous for you to tell me that . But I did have the automatic faint thought in my head "but you don't really know me and what I've done" when I read the above that you and everybody else in here believe in me.

I've had plenty of people believe in me too, when I graduated college, telling me how successful and what a great life I'll have..and then end up in that situation I ended up I listed above. You know, how some people nobody had faith in and that person instead end up doing very well? I tend to be the opposite of that, at least career wise and maybe some other areas too.

Hmmm, now that I think of it, I remember one of my friends at work tell me how successful and what great things I have in store for me when I told him I was quitting my last job 2 months ago. In my mind I was going "yeah, right he doesn't really know me".

Ugh. Definitely something I'm going to have to address. If I don't believe in myself, what's the use of even trying? I'll just sabotage myself right?

[Angela]

Sounds like your gremlin is giving you a little clue.

"You don't even know me." If you knew me, then you'd know that I'm _____.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Angela

Sounds like your gremlin is giving you a little clue.

"You don't even know me." If you knew me, then you'd know that I'm _____.

Two words came up:

♥♥♥♥♥

and

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥,

The second word though resonates a lot more then the first word.

[Angela]

Whoa!!! You think that might be a limiting belief?

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Angela

Whoa!!! You think that might be a limiting belief?

Hehe yeah

So, I can see one reason for the despair and the "I'm doomed" feeling I get.

On one hand, I refuse to take on a job I don't love. I know I can't do that anymore.

On the other hand, I don't believe I'll be able to make a living doing something I love, either a job I love or some independent stuff.

[Angela]

Yeah, it doesn't really matter, does it? Either way, "I'm ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥."

So, is it true?

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by Angela

Sounds like your gremlin is giving you a little clue.

"You don't even know me." If you knew me, then you'd know that I'm _____.

Wow, that's a nifty trick.

I got:

1. awesome
and
2. fun.

Woohoo!

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Angela

Whoa!!! You think that might be a limiting belief?

Hmm... Might be, but I'm not sure about that, I'd need to examine it closely before I can tell you for sure...



You're awesome Seeker, and so brave! And I repeat my book recommendation