although i've been going through this self detox lately PP inspired me to go through this process as well on the forum. although, i haven't signed on to angela just yet.. ;)
i do feel unwanted, not worth much and so forth. the belief stems back from possibly pre-kindergarten years.
i even worry about posting on this forum because if people don't respond it makes me feel bad. which does happen. it makes me feel like what i have to say and present to people is not important or its stupid. i mean, its just a forum isn't it! i've never met any of you in person. yet here i sit and worry. seems so silly.
now that i've identified my problem.. how do i fix it? is it just a matter of confronting my emotions and allowing them out? i'll still have the beliefs won't i?
If you feel wanted or not wanted it doesn't change what actually exists.
So my way is to throw away both being wanted and unwanted. They serve no purpose for me.
You don't have to confront your emotions. They will come up in your life sometime and you just have to watch and wait. When they come up, see them and then throw them away.
interesting jarrod... i've never thought about it even being possible to throw away this need for being wanted.
its always made me feel worthless.
so what do you replace that with? nothing? you become happy to exist whether no one 'wants you' or not?
growing up i've had friends but rarely friends as equals. if i did they would come and go fast -- as in move away or change schools. etc. they'd move on and i'd make more of an effort to keep the friendship but after a while i'd realize i was putting in way more effort then the other person and feel really hurt and spiteful but eventually move on.
the people i usually became friends with already had close friends and didn't need more close friends. i'd always just 'float'. my best friend was my cat.. and of course when she died it was very traumatizing for me. my self confidence went to zero and i could not perform in front of audiences anymore (too nervous, too shakey, i would puke and not go on)
my family life had been far from emotionally supportive.
it was a couple years ago that i became quite depressed as i had moved back to my home city having lost all my new friends from a nervous breakdown. my other friends would make plans with me, then disappear and or cancel and it really made me feel worthless and unwanted and i slipped down into lack of hope. (i feel there is a difference between just being depressed and suicidal -- suicidal is more of a lack of hope for me). no one seemed to care of my existance.. and i could not depend on my family for that as they had always been emotionally unstable. eventually i recontacted a friend who i had to stop talking to before because he was too depressing (he had since been to councelling) and really that saved my life along finding another counsellor that managed to bring me out of it.
how do you learn to create stability for yourself? is it really enough to want yourself? i suppose i still needed to learn to love myself at the time..
if i *want me*.. is that enough? i guess if i don't want me then no one would want me.. so i'd have to want myself first.........................
everything you said is your ego/mind talking not you. You aren't your worthless thoughts. You are not your thoughts. You are not the voice inside your head that tells you that you are ugly and no one loves you.
Once you are able to realize that then you can start to watch those negative thoughts without getting engaged in an argument with them. Take a minute and watch your thoughts as them come up. Don't critique them, simply watch. Notice how they continue without any of your involvement.
After that, sit down or lay down with your spine straight and do this exercise. Take a negative thought you have. Take white hands and go into your solar plexus(area between your rib cage right above your stomach) and scoop these thoughts up your spine and out your third eye (middle of your forehead) and place the thoughts in a white bubble. Now see the bubble and all the words of the negative thought or image in the bubble. Send the bubble off into the sky and have it burn up in the sun.
Do this as much as you want and you will begin to feel more peaceful and less worthless.
thank you alex.
as much as i agree that the ego can be harmful like that, isn't it possible to change it? i mean i've read eckhart tolle, and i agree with many things he has said but i'm still trying to grasp it. by allowing yourself to get rid of the story line and just feel the emotion.. then release it.. perhaps i'm having trouble releasing it because in the end i still feel that way. it doesn't feel like it changes anything.
in fact in between the time i wrote that and came back here i felt more powerful when i realized that i want myself. i can love myself and i do (i hope this feeling lasts). does this make me attached to my ego because i didn't just let the thoughts go? am i not moving forward or in the right direction? i feel better in my gut now that i came to that realization -- i feel peaceful.. but is it the right peaceful? i feel like i am in the process of forgiving my parents for not being able to be there for me. that they have their own troubles they are dealing with.. and its ok. and i'm ok.
Tough to put into words. I don't want myself nor do I not want myself.
I am myself and there is simply no question.
When you throw away the need what is left? When you see what is left then you will see that it doesn't need replacing.
still a bit confused
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