A cycle that I fall into that's hard to get out of --- please help me with this one

[sarahsarahsarah11]

Hey everyone,

So I have this tendency to fall into a certain cycle. So for awhile, I'll be doing well, having great friends, feeling like my life's getting on track, and just feeling more and more fulfilled. Then all of a sudden, I'll do something that's a little mushy like write a letter to someone thanking them for something or just being really direct and straightforward with someone who is not so straightforward, and then they don't respond or respond in a very negative way.

So then when they don't respond or respond in a negative way, I start doubting myself, start getting angry, start thinking "This person is loved by so many people and yet they act horribly with me."

I think this stems from a belief that if someone is good and loved by everyone and they just don't like me, that means I'm worthless and I'm downer in people's lives and I hurt people. I feel like just by being me I'm a downer for people and I put negativity into people's lives.

It seems like when people come across people they don't like they just brush them off and keep their confidence. I don't like to brush people off and pass judgements on people - even though that would be so much easier, just to say, "Well, forget her, she's full of herself and I just don't care to talk to her." and go about my way. I feel like that's living in an illusion... and also I don't want it to come back to me later and topple me from that illusion. I've had that happen to me before and it's a horrible feeling, like you've been living a lie.

Any advice folks?

[uberinquisitive]

Read Eckhart Tolle. Watch the Oprah/Tolle webinars.

Some people also have a lot of success using Byron Katie's The Work.

I also recommend you hold the TAT pose while you get really mad about these people. Complain to yourself about how these people suck (while holding the pose, of course). Don't do this for more than 20 minutes/day.

[ns123]

Wow, Sarah, I have the same problem you do.

My advice to you would be, adjust your views. If you do expect something back (like acknowledgment), then don't expect the same level of reciprocation. When you do something for some one, don't expect anything back, do it because you want to and because it is nice.

But of course, if the other person keeps taking and taking then maybe you should stop doing stuff for them. And just let the disappointment go and chock it up to experience. You don't want to be a doormat or hang around people who just take all the time.

For example, for me, one of my son's friends are always over, all the time. We host many play dates, but his friend's dad never reciprocate. We take his friend to the museum, to the zoo, to many places, but my son has never been invited in return. I was going to end this lopsided relationship until I realized, his friend's dad is a single dad. And his priorities are different. His life views are different about children. He saw his job as feed and clothe, not nurture and support. And I realized that because I did this stuff for my son's friend, the friend will be the better for it. That's why he's always over, because he doesn't have that at home.

So, I stopped expecting reciprocation from the dad. I am doing it because my son loves his friend and I want to be a positive influence in this child's life. I'm not doing it to get anything back from the dad.

For me, most of the time, it's feelings of inadequacy. I am not loved as much because X. So if I do this for this person, they will love me. Or be my friend. For me, once I recognized that I just can't be friends with everyone, can't be loved by everyone, I felt better about myself. Some people just don't have that much in common with me, or don't make time for me, and I just let it go. It's ok. It had nothing to do with me, more to do with their priorities that were not a match with mine.

I hope that helps. It's not your problem, it's theirs.

And, just so you know... You are beautiful. You are smart and fun to be around. You are perfect the way you are.

[carenkh]

I haven't been able to find the poem, but a friend mentioned a line from Tess Gallagher, "Love as if you will be answered" in her blog recently.

That hit me right in my heart! Just recently, being in a situation of wanting someone who's not available, I completely forgot about LOVE, true love, where I really just want their wellbeing, no matter what our relationship looks like. Can I open my heart and love this person, even if they're not able to be in the type of relationship *I* would like: naked and happy? Yep, I sure can.

I found - and this sounds so cliche, but it's true! - that when I found love and acceptance for myself, those times when others didn't accept me just didn't affect me as much. I could open my heart to them and let them be where they were.

You are perfect, just where you are! There is nothing wrong with you.

[smartile]

Hi sarahsarahsarah11,

I'm going to take a stab in the dark here. You're one of those people who is a 'nice person'. You're liked by a lot of people. You're nice to other people so that they'll be nice to you.

When someone doesn't like you, you get offended; as if you're responsible for them not liking you.

Here is my advice. Some people will not like you and this has nothing to do with you. You're not going to please everyone. Stop running your life in order to gain the 'lovability' of others.

Do what you have to do, but don't run your life in story around the reactions of other people. Lead from WITH-IN, not from WITH-OUT.

To learn more, you can read my recently released Free Ebook: The Genius Within YOU - How to unlock your inner genius, natural ability and life purpose.

[DayInTheLife]

Then all of a sudden, I'll do something that's a little mushy like write a letter to someone thanking them for something or just being really direct and straightforward with someone who is not so straightforward, and then they don't respond or respond in a very negative way.

Sarah that is a wonderful thing to do. I think you may be getting negative responses because people are just not used to that kind of graciousness and don't know how to respond.

The truth is you can never know why people respond the way they do. Everyone has their insecurities and quirks, and the outside world only gets to see a tiny fraction of what goes on in a person's head.

So make a point of never assuming that you know what they're thinking. If you do, you will mistake your own thoughts for theirs, and you will feel you are being treated unfairly.

Be all means, continue to show admiration and gratitude to people but do not expect anything in return. That should not be the reason you do it. In all likelihood, they want to reciprocate, but they are too self-conscious or caught off guard to do so. Don't worry about it.

There is a shortage of straightforwardness and reaching out to others in the world... don't stop!

[g00016138]

Sincerely speaking, I feel that the problem is in your mind. You have a limiting belief that you need to weed out and weed out right now. I don't feel like you need to care what people think of you. If they dont' like you; IGNORE! That's the motto I love to live by, because in my experience, I have seen one friend walk out the door, yet they were always replaced by 15 others, because I knew what I was worth, and I knew that my purpose was not to please people, but to rather be me. But the one thing I always do, is check that people are not angry with me when they walk out that door, and that they're walkign out because of their own reasons, not a mistake of mine. If the mistake was mine (and it happened a lot), I worked extra hard to return the relationship where it used to be, and thank God, it happened 3 times that the friends (before the fight) became closer friends (after the fight), so that the fight was actually a good turning point in my life. Attached is an article that might help you,
IGNORE INC.: IGNORE The Blues
IGNORE INC.: IGNORE Negative Thinking
Regards,

[Jamesy]

At high tide of night, when the first breath of dawn came upon the wind, the forerunner, he who calls himself echo to a voice yet unheard, left his bed-chamber and ascended to the roof of his house. Long he stood and looked down upon the slumbering city. Then he raised his head, and even as if the sleepless spirits of all those asleep had gathered around him, he opened his lips and spoke, and he said:
"My friends and neighbors and you who daily pass my gate, I would speak to you in your sleep, and in the valley of your dreams I would walk naked and unrestrained; for heedless are your waking hours and deaf are your sound-burdened ears.
"Long did I love you and overmuch.
"I love the one among you as though he were all, and all as if you were one. And in the spring of my heart I sang in your gardens, and in the summer of my heart I watched at your threshing-floors.
"Yea, I loved you all, the giant and the pygmy, the leper and the anointed, and him who gropes in the dark even as him who dances his days upon the mountains.
"You, the strong, have I loved, though the marks of your iron hoofs are yet upon my flesh; and you the weak, though you have drained my faith and wasted my patience.
"You the rich have I loved, while bitter was your honey to my mouth; and you the poor, though you knew my empty-handed shame.
"You the poet with the bowed lute and blind fingers, you have I loved in self-indulgence; and you the scholar ever gathering rotted shrouds in potters' fields.
"You the priest I have loved, who sit in the silences of yesterday questioning the fate of my tomorrow; and you the worshippers of gods the images of your own desires.
"You the thirsting woman whose cup is ever full, I have loved in understanding; and you the woman of restless nights, you too I have loved in pity.
"You the talkative have I loved, saying, 'Life hath much to say'; and you the dumb have I loved, whispering to myself, 'Says he not in silence that which I fain would hear in words?"
"And you the judge and the critic, I have loved also; yet when you have seen me crucified, you said, 'He bleeds rhythmically, and the pattern his blood makes upon his white skin is beautiful to behold.'
"Yea, I have loved you all, the young and the old, the trembling reed and the oak.
"But, alas, it was the over-abundance of my heart that turned you from me. You would drink love from a cup, but not from a surging river. You would hear love's faint murmur, but when love shouts you would muffle your ears.
"And because I have loved you all you have said, 'Too soft and yielding is his heart, and too undiscerning is his path. It is the love of a needy one, who picks crumbs even as he sits at kingly feasts. And it is the love of a weakling, for the strong loves only the strong."
"And because I have loved you overmuch you have said, 'It is but the love of a blind man who knows not the beauty of one nor the ugliness of another. And it is the love of the tasteless who drinks vinegar even as wine. And it is the love of the impertinent and the overweening, for what stranger could be our mother and father and sister and brother?'
"This you have said, and more. For often in the market-place you pointed your fingers at me and said mockingly, 'There goes the ageless one, the man without seasons, who at the noon hour plays games with our children and at eventide sits with our elders and assumes wisdom and understanding.'
"And I said, 'I will love them more. Aye, even more. I will hide my love with seeming to hate, and disguise my tenderness as bitterness. I will wear an iron mask, and only when armed and mailed shall I seek them.'
"Then I laid a heavy hand upon your bruises, and like a tempest in the night I thundered in your ears.
"From the housetop I proclaimed you hypocrites, Pharisees, tricksters, false and empty earth-bubbles.
"The short-sighted among you I cursed for blind bats, and those too near the earth I likened to soulless moles.
"The eloquent I pronounced fork-tongued, the silent, stone-lipped, and the simple and artless I called the dead never weary of death.
"The seekers after world knowledge I condemned as offenders of the holy spirit and those who would naught but the spirit I branded as hunters of shadows who cast their nets in flat waters and catch but their own images.
"Thus with my lips have I denounced you, while my heart, bleeding within me, called you tender names.
"It was love lashed by its own self that spoke. It was pride half slain that fluttered in the dust. It was my hunger for your love that raged from the housetop, while my own love, kneeling in silence, prayed your forgiveness.
"But behold a miracle!
"It was my disguise that opened your eyes, and my seeming to hate that woke your hearts.
"And now you love me.
"You love the swords that stroke you and the arrows that crave your breast. For it comforts you to be wounded and only when you drink of your own blood can you be intoxicated.
"Like moths that seek destruction in the flame you gather daily in my garden; and with faces uplifted and eyes enchanted you watch me tear the fabric of your days. And in whispers you say the one to the other, 'He sees with the light of God. He speaks like the prophets of old. He unveils our souls and unlocks our hearts, and like the eagle that knows the way of foxes he knows our ways.'
"Aye, in truth, I know your ways, but only as an eagle knows the ways of his fledglings. And I fain would disclose my secret. Yet in my need for your nearness I feign remoteness, and in fear of the ebb tide of your love I guard the floodgates of my love."
After saying these things the forerunner covered his face with his hands and wept bitterly. For he knew in his heart that love humiliated in its nakedness is greater than love that seeks triumph in disguise; and he was ashamed.
But suddenly he raised his head, and like one waking from sleep he outstretched his arms and said, "Night is over, and we children of night must die when dawn comes leaping upon the hills; and out of our ashes a mightier love shall rise. And it shall laugh in the sun, and it shall be deathless."

[adam230]

Where is this taken from? It's incredible.

[carenkh]

It's from the Forerunner by Kahlil Gibran. Published a few years before The Prophet.