I believe I'm worthless, too

[pianoperformer]

After reading this thread by seeker5, and this one by carenkh, I was inspired to work through my own limiting beliefs. I have seen so many people who have worked with Angela, and I am really inspired by Angela’s posts, so decided to try the same thing.

So, we just started. I noticed there have been a few who have documented here their work through their limiting beliefs, so I decided to do the same. I was actually afraid to do so, because I figured no one would care, but I realized that that’s part of my limiting beliefs, so I should probably go ahead and do it.

I realized that there are two things in my life that really bother me. The first includes my social interactions, because I feel like other people wouldn’t care what I had to say, or wouldn’t want to associate with me. I seem to automatically put myself as less than everyone else.

The second thing is with grades. That’s my one point of pride, and I’m so attached to it that I am afraid of not doing excellently academically. I posted a thread about this before; I’m afraid of being average.

Angela thought that these two things were tied together, and asked me to see what was behind it. She asked me to figure out what I often told myself through self-talk, and then what I felt about that. I realized that I felt like I was worthless.

Here is one of my first emails to her:

When I think of all of that, I think of undesirable, even worthless. I think that I have to prove myself in order for anyone to see any value. It feels like, no one would really want to deal with me. Even when I try to communicate with someone else, whether it just be face-to-face, via phone, or e-mail, I almost put them on a pedestal and think that I hope they don’t mind me contacting them or bothering them about whatever it is. In such thoughts I think the common denominator is denigrating myself. I don’t really matter. Everyone else has their own problems and things they are doing and I’d be the last thing they would want to deal with.

If someone tries to be nice to me, sometimes I just think they are, well, exactly that, just trying to be nice and don’t have the true desire to talk to me. I’m constantly trying to hide my insecurities so that people might not notice.

That’s why I hate asking for help, too, because I hate to seem needy. And I don’t want people to think, “Oh, I should help the blind kid” rather than it just be helping a friend. I really fight to be seen as normal and just like anyone else. But the relationship in such cases is a little one-sided, because the amount I can do for anyone else is a bit limited.

So, then, I guess the answer would be that I am being less worthy than everyone else.

She asked me to think back to any incidents in my childhood when I may have started to believe this about myself.

Well, I had, at first, a rather happy childhood, pretty much without a worry in the world. Maybe the only thing was that I was lacking in friends, but that didn't bother me all that much.

The beginning of these feelings may have been in late elementary school and middle school. I had a few friends at least, in elementary school, and I would enjoy going over their houses and sometimes spending the night.

The first time I remember that I was a little rejected is really a silly example. I had asked a friend if I could come over and she was a little irritated. Made me feel like I wasn't wanted and that people really didn't want to associate with me. Well, it wasn't just because she said no, obviously, just the way she said it. Of course, this isn't the sole reason.

Mostly, I remember it from middle school. I was picked on, like so many others in middle school, especially in 7th, 8th, and 9th grades. It was devastating for me though. I was researching some different religions, specifically Paganism and Wicca at the time, and so was wearing a fitting pendant (pentacle). I remember people making some choice remarks, but saying it as though it was too themselves, laughing to themselves, but I knew it was about me. It was like they thought I didn't exist, or was some lesser person who couldn't understand them. I remember once in some class, they actually threw something at me. It was something small, but still it made me really upset. I confronted them saying I knew what they were laughing about, and they denied it.

Even after that, eventually after the pendant was gone and such, well I still got teased, or treated as lesser. It came to focus on me being blind, too. Someone would often walk down the hall as I was, and yell, "Don’t run into the tree!" as though I was dumb enough to believe them.

I just came to notice I was an outcast. When we'd do group activities, I'd never be chosen by anyone, until I was absolutely the last person left or was assigned to a group. When no one was picking on me, they were going about their lives as though I didn't exist.

My grades were the one thing I had. But in 8th grade, even those began to suffer. The only time I had gotten a B was twice in 5th grade, in a social studies course. I started to get lazy though, and procrastinate more and more. I would leave projects until the last minute to even start. I remember a particular book report I had to do where I got an extension on it, and the teacher started threatening to take off points. I found myself, for the first time, not caring.

I was doing programming, too, which was enjoyable, but couldn't even finish projects. I tried to at least do that, but couldn't.

In 10th and 11th grade, I got involved with the Jehovah's Witnesses for 2 years, and my grades dropped again. They told me not to worry about it because Armageddon was coming. I remember the first time in my life I wasn't on the honor roll. That was probably the worst of all.

So, I think it was just a series of blows to my confidence and self-worth. Eventually I just felt numb and literally didn't care about anything anymore. I had lost my social standing, and then even my perceived intelligence, which was the hardest hit of all. I wanted to go to MIT so badly, but I know that because of how lazy I was in high school, for the first two years, I didn't make it. I'm convinced I could have otherwise, because I really didn't have any trouble at all when I applied myself. For instance, in my senior year, I got a 4.2 GPA (weighted classes put me over 4.0), because I wanted so badly to get into a top university. As long as I had intelligence, I didn't care what happened.

I then added:

In high school, I really started to gain weight. I don’t' know why it happened, but I did. No one really made any horrible comments about it, but my mother made indirect comments and kind of joked about it, which eventually started to get to me, on top of everything else that had happened and was happening. I'm still really sensitive about weight to this day, and am having a lot of trouble getting control of it. I had lost some weight, a few times, but then would regain it back.

That makes me even more uncomfortable socially, and think that I'm even more undesirable, because I think no one would really like me, because of how I look. It doesn't help I don't even know how I look.

It’s silly; this feeling seems to be everywhere. Even I think my examples are silly, because I keep telling myself I was too sensitive, that it shouldn’t have affected me. Grr.

I'm running out of space in this post. Sorry that I'm unable to make this more concise. More to follow.

[pianoperformer]

Continued from above...

She wanted me to remember back before middle school. She thought there was something there. I couldn’t remember anything at first, but finally remembered some things, out of the blue, that I hadn’t thought about for years:

Interesting. I don't remember very many things from back when I was 3-6 years old. I remember snippets of being in the hospital for two weeks when I was 4, and some things between that and when I started school.

Well, oh, I just remembered the first thing, I think. I was in preschool. I probably had just recently gone blind (happened when I was 4). I really can't remember the timeline. Well I remember just going about my day. We had been going down to lunch, or something, and some kid just out-of-the-blue pushed me, intentionally. It confused me. I couldn't figure out why someone would want to do that to me.

I can't remember much about that though. I seem to have told a teacher, because when I told my mother about it, she said I should have pushed him back, lol, and I said no, I had told the teacher. She still relates that story, which is partly why I can remember it probably.

Ever since kindergarten, I remember just being separated from the other kids. I had my aide who was always there with me, and we were somewhat separated from the rest of the class, I think. I don't remember it bothering me too much, but that thing about being separated, different from others was perpetuated from then onward.

Other than that, though, yeah my elementary days weren't too bad.

Oh, gosh, I just remembered another thing. In 3rd or 4th grade, I think, there was this kid who would keep stealing things off of me when I was trying to do something, like play a game or something. That made me so upset. I told my mother, and she told me to complain, and I remember there being some school psychologist, who got the two of us to see what happened. I can't remember the outcome, but think it was rather neutral and non-eventful.

The events just got worse from there until the stuff I mentioned in middle school happened. The thing with that girl happened somewhere in there, so I'm sure that perpetuated it as well. I was pretty sure the world was perfect before then, lol. I mean I had a rather innocent outlook on everything; e.g., everyone was nice, helpful, etc. This stuff really rattled me.

Can't believe I’m remembering all of this. I've not thought of any of this for years.

Remembering that all really, really affected me. I soon responded again:

Wow, that was unexpected. After I sent that, I was overwhelmed by a whole lot of emotion. Sadness, really. That beautiful view of the world destroyed to be replaced by looking out for myself and protecting myself and it being me vs. them. Well what else could I have done? Innocence destroyed. I hate that. It was a beautiful place before.

She said after that she wasn’t hearing “”I am worthless” in these stories. I’m a bit lost after this. I am pretty sure that was about the turning point in my childhood, when everything wasn’t so perfect anymore. I really think it was just everything building on top of everything else, slowly changing my belief. I’m not so sure it was just one event, or at least I can’t think of anything yet. But, so many people were treating me like this, well I think I just eventually started to think I was lesser. I really felt alone all through middle school and much of high school. I felt like I couldn’t identify with anyone and no one understood me.

She responded to my other email with this, which was really important for me:

Originally Posted by Angela

Yeah. And you know what destroyed it? That decision you made about yourself.

That might sound like "blame the victim", but you must realize that you changed your world, and you also have the power to change it again. You! All by yourself, without external circumstance changing for you.

And we'll unlock that and make it available to you.

I don’t think I get the full effect of that yet, though. I mean, I’m feeling rather weak right now. I quite nearly broke down after I remembered all that stuff. It ruined the world for me. After that it was mostly the feeling that everyone was judging me. I had to prove that I could actually amount to something. No, I wasn’t disabled, and I didn’t want anyone thinking of me that way, thank you. I didn’t want pity. I wanted respect. But no one took me seriously. I was ridiculed, ignored, or not taken seriously at all. What good would I have to contribute? Obviously nothing. I was outcast and that’s just all there was to it.

And darn it, I still don’t’ feel like I get respect. Like, I am the scholarship chair of Delta chi, voted in unanimously, but I just figured I was the best of the options. I knew what the chapter wanted to hear, and I agreed with it, and I told them. Everyone else didn’t say what they wanted to hear.

And now, occasionally people come to me with certain things, but I figure only because they are obligated to because I’m the scholarship chair. No one really cares about my advice. They are either trying to further their aims by trying to get me to side with them, or just doing it because they have to.

I feel like my whole life is about proving myself. I quite nearly got tired of the whole thing in late middle school and high school, because it was too much pressure. I said I just wouldn’t care anymore. Well that didn’t work, because I’d just beat myself up for not caring and not doing as well.

I’m just trying to clarify my thoughts. I hope no one minds. I’m a bit lost.

[seeker5]

Wonderful PianoPerformer! Thanks for sharing, and I do care about you and what you're going through. I'll be reading this thread with interest to see what else you are able to come through as you do this!

It can sometimes be tricky to find that first event, it was for me. By the time I had posted my first post on my own thread, I probably had already spent two weeks working with Angela. I had come up with events after events but none of them felt like that was it, it was a very frustrating experience where I spent a lot of time thinking about it. Which was something I barely have done, I started remembering so many incredible number of things that I haven't thought of for a decade or two, most of which were things I didn't want to remember .

For a while, while thinking about it, I'd feel worst, and then I'd resist that, and on and on. I'd go back and forth between working on it and needing a n emotional and mental break. Then one night after staying up all night long, way longer then I normally do, at around 9am I felt so frustrated with everything. Then all of a sudden, with deep emotions in my mind I yelled "I'm unloved!". That really surprised me the heck out of me because I have never complained once to myself about being unloved and I have never consciously cared to be loved and I never consciously sought to be loved. So for me to complain about being unloved....signaled to me that maybe it was a significant piece of information so I emailed Angela about it, and I remembered at the same time that scene with my mother and sister (that I later posted in my thread) so I emailed Angela that. So that started the whole discovery process that went on in my thread where a week later we discovered that deep belief was "To believe I am loved is stupid and dangerous", which is why I now realized I never complained about being unloved, because I subconsciously sought to be unloved in just about most cases. .

So, my point being....it's not necessarily a linear process it can zig zig back and it can takes persistence and it can feel bad at times but keep on persisting to find the answers. It may come at the most un-expected moment when it comes clear to your mind, or it may come fazzled and you aren't sure but maybe it is so you email Angela just in case it is, which is what I did. . Then with time it can become clearer due to her wonderful questions, or other ways.

I'll be here cheering you on, and I care about you and about what you're going through.

[pianoperformer]

Thanks, seeker5.

Yeah, I just feel numb after all that that came up earlier. I hate that feeling, or lack of it. It's like a block was put up to stop me from feeling those things.

It's funny, though. Whatever these beliefs are, are everywhere. I mean I have to be honest, the reason I wrote here was because I needed to try to figure this out a bit more, and I have this horrible idea that I'm wasting her time when I keep emailing. I am that way with anyone, with any social interaction, whether it is in person, over the phone, email, etc.

I appreciate your support. I will keep the thread updated.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

Thanks, seeker5.

Yeah, I just feel numb after all that that came up earlier. I hate that feeling, or lack of it. It's like a block was put up to stop me from feeling those things.

Yeah, I went through a period of feeling numb too at times.

It's funny, though. Whatever these beliefs are, are everywhere. I mean I have to be honest, the reason I wrote here was because I needed to try to figure this out a bit more, and I have this horrible idea that I'm wasting her time when I keep emailing.

Hah! That's your belief of "I'm worthless why should anyone care". I was seriously running into my own belief of "I'm deficient" when she wasn't replying to some of my emails and I felt she thought I was hopeless because I was so deficient . Crazy how our limiting beliefs works.

I will keep the thread updated.

Great! Use it as a tool, there's no need to share anything you don't want to share - but it's there for you to share what you want to share.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

... I have this horrible idea that I'm wasting her time when I keep emailing. I am that way with anyone, with any social interaction, whether it is in person, over the phone, email, etc.

...which is just perfect, of course! Pianoperformer, as anyone who has gone through this will tell you, your limiting belief is really going to be present in a big way! It's as if you have invited your limiting belief to show its face -- "come on out here and fight like a man!" and it complies, alright. It shows up big! That's great, because it makes it easier for you to see it for what it really is -- a wisp, a ghost, a thought that's been hanging around for years.

And as I mentioned, I've got the same one: "Am I bothering you?" "You don't really want to hear this, do you?"

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by Angela

...which is just perfect, of course! Pianoperformer, as anyone who has gone through this will tell you, your limiting belief is really going to be present in a big way! It's as if you have invited your limiting belief to show its face -- "come on out here and fight like a man!" and it complies, alright. It shows up big! That's great, because it makes it easier for you to see it for what it really is -- a wisp, a ghost, a thought that's been hanging around for years.

Yeah, I'm really starting to see that. And, it is like I create even more of it, because when I believe that I am worthless, then I don't think anyone else will want to talk to me, so I don't bother to talk to anyone, and further have no confidence at all, so no one talks to me, and my belief is reenforced. Seems like a nasty loop.

Originally Posted by Angela

...And as I mentioned, I've got the same one: "Am I bothering you?" "You don't really want to hear this, do you?"

Ha, of course I do.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

Ha, of course I do.

And of course you're not wasting my time.

[mercuryrising]

I think it's great that your willing to look into this, especially on a public forum. That takes some guts. I can relate a lot to what you've said so far.

Some questions come to mind. I don't know how useful they will be in finding the conception of this belief. But I hope they help:

How did you go from wanting to get into MIT to the piano? I'm just surprised your not in the hard sciences. You are a smart guy, I know that much.

What was your family life like? Sounds like you are close to mom? What's your dad like? Do you have siblings? My dad has had a lot to do with some of my limiting beliefs.

Whose approval do you seek? Who could give you the sense of worthiness you want? My guess is that whoever that person is may be the one who took it from you in the first place. When was the first time you did something you didn't want to just gain someone's approval?

I'm just trying to throw out some different queries here and I don't mean to imply anything.

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

I think it's great that your willing to look into this, especially on a public forum. That takes some guts. I can relate a lot to what you've said so far.

Thanks.

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

Some questions come to mind. I don't know how useful they will be in finding the conception of this belief. But I hope they help:

How did you go from wanting to get into MIT to the piano? I'm just surprised your not in the hard sciences. You are a smart guy, I know that much.

I am in the hard sciences now, specifically physics and math. I hated being a music major. That was a big mistake.

I started out in computer science, which was good but I already knew too much about programming that it wasn't doing anything for me, and I didn't want to just be sitting behind a desk programming the rest of my life.

I really resonate with the idea of doing research, though.

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

What was your family life like? Sounds like you are close to mom? What's your dad like? Do you have siblings? My dad has had a lot to do with some of my limiting beliefs.

I am very close to my mom. I don't think there are words to describe it.

My mom left my dad when I was 2 years old. Obviously I don't remember, but she says he was verbally abusive and controlling.

I am not close at all with the rest of my family. I really can't stand my aunt, my grandmother has stabbed so many people in the back that I have cut off contact with her, my little cousin is OK but a little messed up from growing up in this environment. My older cousin was always mean to me when I was younger, but now we are OK, but still not very close, especially since she lives in D.C. Now you see why I can't wait to get back to school.

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

Whose approval do you seek? Who could give you the sense of worthiness you want? My guess is that whoever that person is may be the one who took it from you in the first place.

Everyone. Of course my mother, but I think mostly because she means the most to me.

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

When was the first time you did something you didn't want to just gain someone's approval?

Not really sure I've ever done something to just gain someone's approval, if I absolutely didn't want to do it.

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

I'm just trying to throw out some different queries here and I don't mean to imply anything.

I appreciate it.

ETA: This is tough. All this stuff is coming up and it's making me feel very depressed. Haven't felt this bad since I got rejected from MIT, I think.

[mercuryrising]

This is a bit of rapid reply, but there was one more question... how's the meditation? And have you ever gotten into Zen?

My (current) theory is that we are all naturally happy and content and that we don't need anything to become happy and content. We've been conditioned by society to believe that we need money, a mate, intelligence or whatever to get there.

Meditation I think is really about returning to that natural state. Just sitting being present can be more difficult than you'd think. And what makes it difficult is all this conditioning that comes to the surface.

I'm bringing this up because it may be a method that will work for you in removing these limiting beliefs.

Ok. I'm done.

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

This is a bit of rapid reply, but there was one more question... how's the meditation?

Not so well. I have trouble finding time for it every day.

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

And have you ever gotten into Zen?

No.

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

My (current) theory is that we are all naturally happy and content and that we don't need anything to become happy and content. We've been conditioned by society to believe that we need money, a mate, intelligence or whatever to get there.

Interesting idea. I'm not sure.

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

Meditation I think is really about returning to that natural state. Just sitting being present can be more difficult than you'd think. And what makes it difficult is all this conditioning that comes to the surface.

I'm bringing this up because it may be a method that will work for you in removing these limiting beliefs.

Ok. I'm done.

Thanks. I might try that.

This morning for some reason, I got the urge to meditate, but I haven't really done so yet. I mean, out of pure depression I just sat here for about 15 minutes reflecting on all of this, but that's about all. I came up with a few things, that struck even deeper, and emailed Angela about it.

Then I really didn't have the power to do much else. it really affected me. Everything seems kind of pointless right now. I got up for a few minutes to get my mind off of it. Something told me not to ignore it though, so I'm still here with it and its coldness.

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

I have this horrible idea that I'm wasting her time when I keep emailing. I am that way with anyone, with any social interaction, whether it is in person, over the phone, email, etc.

Hey PianoPerformer!

I felt the EXACT same way when I was talking to Angela about my stuff! I remember at one point she told me I was a liar. I had been dishonest with myself and my friends and family by putting on an act and trying to appear differently than I was inside. But she phrased it by calling me a liar and Oh! how that hurt! I immediately thought that she must see right through to the worthlessness inside me that I'm always trying to hide.

I think that you are so brave for not only waking up to the possibility of creating a new way of thinking, feeling and living, but for allow us to follow your journey and glean tidbits for our own growth!

With lots of love and encouragement,

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

Hey PianoPerformer!

I felt the EXACT same way when I was talking to Angela about my stuff! I remember at one point she told me I was a liar. I had been dishonest with myself and my friends and family by putting on an act and trying to appear differently than I was inside. But she phrased it by calling me a liar and Oh! how that hurt! I immediately thought that she must see right through to the worthlessness inside me that I'm always trying to hide.

Yeah, I love how direct she is. It was the same for me when she said that I allowed that beautiful innocent view of the world to be destroyed. I remember how creative and imaginative I was as a kid. Everything was magical.

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

I think that you are so brave for not only waking up to the possibility of creating a new way of thinking, feeling and living, but for allow us to follow your journey and glean tidbits for our own growth!

With lots of love and encouragement,

Thank you so much.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

Yeah, I love how direct she is. It was the same for me when she said that I allowed that beautiful innocent view of the world to be destroyed. I remember how creative and imaginative I was as a kid. Everything was magical.

To be clear: it is believing the thought, "I am worthless" that destroys the beautiful innocent view of the world. One minute you're a free and easy kid, then something happens, you make it mean "I am worthless", and the next minute your entire world has changed. And you (your thoughts) changed it.

That's great news! Piano, when you said, "everything seems pointless" -- you were right! And that is really wonderful news, too. The only point is the point that you impose on the world by believing your own thoughts. You have been practicing believing, "I am worthless" (or another layer of that thought), and very powerfully creating a world that corresponds with that belief. And now that you see what you've been doing, you start to see that that you can make another "point" or meaning in the world, too. You are free to keep believing "I am worthless" or you can choose another belief that works better --- and by doing that you actually GENERATE meaning in a world that otherwise has no meaning. How powerful is that!

You have that power right now, and you can trust yourself to use it in exactly the perfect way, at exactly the right pace, for the highest good for yourself and others.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

But she phrased it by calling me a liar and Oh! how that hurt! I immediately thought that she must see right through to the worthlessness inside me that I'm always trying to hide.

god, I am so mean. and worthless. Zippideedoodah!