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| After reading this thread by seeker5, and this one by carenkh, I was inspired to work through my own limiting beliefs. I have seen so many people who have worked with Angela, and I am really inspired by Angela’s posts, so decided to try the same thing. So, we just started. I noticed there have been a few who have documented here their work through their limiting beliefs, so I decided to do the same. I was actually afraid to do so, because I figured no one would care, but I realized that that’s part of my limiting beliefs, so I should probably go ahead and do it. I realized that there are two things in my life that really bother me. The first includes my social interactions, because I feel like other people wouldn’t care what I had to say, or wouldn’t want to associate with me. I seem to automatically put myself as less than everyone else. The second thing is with grades. That’s my one point of pride, and I’m so attached to it that I am afraid of not doing excellently academically. I posted a thread about this before; I’m afraid of being average. Angela thought that these two things were tied together, and asked me to see what was behind it. She asked me to figure out what I often told myself through self-talk, and then what I felt about that. I realized that I felt like I was worthless. Here is one of my first emails to her: Quote:
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I'm running out of space in this post. Sorry that I'm unable to make this more concise. More to follow.
__________________ Blog of the Perpetual Seeker Searching for Truth; walking with God. Latest post: Called Back to Music |
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| Continued from above... She wanted me to remember back before middle school. She thought there was something there. I couldn’t remember anything at first, but finally remembered some things, out of the blue, that I hadn’t thought about for years: Quote:
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She responded to my other email with this, which was really important for me: Quote:
And darn it, I still don’t’ feel like I get respect. Like, I am the scholarship chair of Delta chi, voted in unanimously, but I just figured I was the best of the options. I knew what the chapter wanted to hear, and I agreed with it, and I told them. Everyone else didn’t say what they wanted to hear. And now, occasionally people come to me with certain things, but I figure only because they are obligated to because I’m the scholarship chair. No one really cares about my advice. They are either trying to further their aims by trying to get me to side with them, or just doing it because they have to. I feel like my whole life is about proving myself. I quite nearly got tired of the whole thing in late middle school and high school, because it was too much pressure. I said I just wouldn’t care anymore. Well that didn’t work, because I’d just beat myself up for not caring and not doing as well. I’m just trying to clarify my thoughts. I hope no one minds. I’m a bit lost.
__________________ Blog of the Perpetual Seeker Searching for Truth; walking with God. Latest post: Called Back to Music |
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| Wonderful PianoPerformer! Thanks for sharing, and I do care about you and what you're going through. I'll be reading this thread with interest to see what else you are able to come through as you do this! It can sometimes be tricky to find that first event, it was for me. By the time I had posted my first post on my own thread, I probably had already spent two weeks working with Angela. I had come up with events after events but none of them felt like that was it, it was a very frustrating experience where I spent a lot of time thinking about it. Which was something I barely have done, I started remembering so many incredible number of things that I haven't thought of for a decade or two, most of which were things I didn't want to remember For a while, while thinking about it, I'd feel worst, and then I'd resist that, and on and on. I'd go back and forth between working on it and needing a n emotional and mental break. Then one night after staying up all night long, way longer then I normally do, at around 9am I felt so frustrated with everything. Then all of a sudden, with deep emotions in my mind I yelled "I'm unloved!". That really surprised me the heck out of me because I have never complained once to myself about being unloved and I have never consciously cared to be loved and I never consciously sought to be loved. So for me to complain about being unloved....signaled to me that maybe it was a significant piece of information so I emailed Angela about it, and I remembered at the same time that scene with my mother and sister (that I later posted in my thread) so I emailed Angela that. So that started the whole discovery process that went on in my thread where a week later we discovered that deep belief was "To believe I am loved is stupid and dangerous", which is why I now realized I never complained about being unloved, because I subconsciously sought to be unloved in just about most cases. So, my point being....it's not necessarily a linear process it can zig zig back and it can takes persistence and it can feel bad at times but keep on persisting to find the answers. It may come at the most un-expected moment when it comes clear to your mind, or it may come fazzled and you aren't sure but maybe it is so you email Angela just in case it is, which is what I did. I'll be here cheering you on, and I care about you and about what you're going through.
__________________ “There never was a winner who wasn’t at some point a beginner.” - Denis Waitley Last edited by seeker5 : 07-31-2008 at 07:44 AM. |
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| Thanks, seeker5. Yeah, I just feel numb after all that that came up earlier. I hate that feeling, or lack of it. It's like a block was put up to stop me from feeling those things. It's funny, though. Whatever these beliefs are, are everywhere. I mean I have to be honest, the reason I wrote here was because I needed to try to figure this out a bit more, and I have this horrible idea that I'm wasting her time when I keep emailing. I am that way with anyone, with any social interaction, whether it is in person, over the phone, email, etc. I appreciate your support. I will keep the thread updated.
__________________ Blog of the Perpetual Seeker Searching for Truth; walking with God. Latest post: Called Back to Music |
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__________________ “There never was a winner who wasn’t at some point a beginner.” - Denis Waitley Last edited by seeker5 : 07-31-2008 at 07:15 AM. |
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And as I mentioned, I've got the same one: "Am I bothering you?" "You don't really want to hear this, do you?" |
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Ha, of course I do.
__________________ Blog of the Perpetual Seeker Searching for Truth; walking with God. Latest post: Called Back to Music |
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| I think it's great that your willing to look into this, especially on a public forum. That takes some guts. I can relate a lot to what you've said so far. Some questions come to mind. I don't know how useful they will be in finding the conception of this belief. But I hope they help: How did you go from wanting to get into MIT to the piano? I'm just surprised your not in the hard sciences. You are a smart guy, I know that much. What was your family life like? Sounds like you are close to mom? What's your dad like? Do you have siblings? My dad has had a lot to do with some of my limiting beliefs. Whose approval do you seek? Who could give you the sense of worthiness you want? My guess is that whoever that person is may be the one who took it from you in the first place. When was the first time you did something you didn't want to just gain someone's approval? I'm just trying to throw out some different queries here and I don't mean to imply anything. |
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I started out in computer science, which was good but I already knew too much about programming that it wasn't doing anything for me, and I didn't want to just be sitting behind a desk programming the rest of my life. I really resonate with the idea of doing research, though. Quote:
My mom left my dad when I was 2 years old. Obviously I don't remember, but she says he was verbally abusive and controlling. I am not close at all with the rest of my family. I really can't stand my aunt, my grandmother has stabbed so many people in the back that I have cut off contact with her, my little cousin is OK but a little messed up from growing up in this environment. My older cousin was always mean to me when I was younger, but now we are OK, but still not very close, especially since she lives in D.C. Now you see why I can't wait to get back to school. Quote:
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ETA: This is tough. All this stuff is coming up and it's making me feel very depressed. Haven't felt this bad since I got rejected from MIT, I think.
__________________ Blog of the Perpetual Seeker Searching for Truth; walking with God. Latest post: Called Back to Music Last edited by pianoperformer : 07-31-2008 at 01:48 PM. |
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| This is a bit of rapid reply, but there was one more question... how's the meditation? And have you ever gotten into Zen? My (current) theory is that we are all naturally happy and content and that we don't need anything to become happy and content. We've been conditioned by society to believe that we need money, a mate, intelligence or whatever to get there. Meditation I think is really about returning to that natural state. Just sitting being present can be more difficult than you'd think. And what makes it difficult is all this conditioning that comes to the surface. I'm bringing this up because it may be a method that will work for you in removing these limiting beliefs. Ok. I'm done. |
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This morning for some reason, I got the urge to meditate, but I haven't really done so yet. I mean, out of pure depression I just sat here for about 15 minutes reflecting on all of this, but that's about all. I came up with a few things, that struck even deeper, and emailed Angela about it. Then I really didn't have the power to do much else. it really affected me. Everything seems kind of pointless right now. I got up for a few minutes to get my mind off of it. Something told me not to ignore it though, so I'm still here with it and its coldness.
__________________ Blog of the Perpetual Seeker Searching for Truth; walking with God. Latest post: Called Back to Music |
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I felt the EXACT same way when I was talking to Angela about my stuff! I remember at one point she told me I was a liar. I had been dishonest with myself and my friends and family by putting on an act and trying to appear differently than I was inside. But she phrased it by calling me a liar and Oh! how that hurt! I immediately thought that she must see right through to the worthlessness inside me that I'm always trying to hide. I think that you are so brave for not only waking up to the possibility of creating a new way of thinking, feeling and living, but for allow us to follow your journey and glean tidbits for our own growth! With lots of love and encouragement, |
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Thank you so much.
__________________ Blog of the Perpetual Seeker Searching for Truth; walking with God. Latest post: Called Back to Music |
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That's great news! Piano, when you said, "everything seems pointless" -- you were right! And that is really wonderful news, too. The only point is the point that you impose on the world by believing your own thoughts. You have been practicing believing, "I am worthless" (or another layer of that thought), and very powerfully creating a world that corresponds with that belief. And now that you see what you've been doing, you start to see that that you can make another "point" or meaning in the world, too. You are free to keep believing "I am worthless" or you can choose another belief that works better --- and by doing that you actually GENERATE meaning in a world that otherwise has no meaning. How powerful is that! You have that power right now, and you can trust yourself to use it in exactly the perfect way, at exactly the right pace, for the highest good for yourself and others. |
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| god, I am so mean. and worthless. Zippideedoodah! |

