Self Love & Self Acceptance...

[DEEJ]

After years of what I feels a bit like going round in circles regarding self development I think I have finally realised that what I lack more than anything is self love and self acceptance... Only when I can accept myself as perfect and OK as I am, can I grow and improve, otherwise I’m trying to fix myself and it does not work. All it does is breed shame, self rejection and feelings of being not whole. I want to be driven by my self love and acceptance, not by striving and rejecting. I've only just realised now how very foundational this is.

Self love seems to be the key to life, I can see that if I work on this EVERYTHING else will fall into place, it seems to me like the one thing everyone is looking for, anyone else agree?

For example, striving to improve confidence and social skills. By loving yourself, it comes naturally, you don't have to try. You become more authentic, you no longer need to project yourself in a certain way because you naturally project the love and wholeness you feel within... And even if you miss the mark it doesn't matter! This goes for everything in life…. It’s the end of perfectionism and all the ‘Shoulds.’

I still however have a hard time with believing that I can accept myself as perfect as I am and still improve and be 'The person I want to be.' I have a belief which says if I accept myself completely I will not evolve and grow. I now realise that I must go beyond this belief and only then can I be happy with who I am and create more positive energy in my life in order to become the person I am meant to be. In fact, if I accept myself as I am, I already am the person I want to be and this will grow into becoming more of who I want to be!! (Even writing this seems to be helping me!)

Thoughts? What does self love and acceptance mean to you?

Although this awareness is an important first step, I have been in opposition and struggling with myself for so long, how can I start accepting myself more now?

[Jarrod]

In my martial arts we barely ever learn new techniques, only try and perfect old ones.

Each day we practice a basic cut with the sword over and over again trying to perfect it.

Yet if we look at it from a particular perspective. Every cut is perfect in the humaness of its imperfection.

So while we strive to improve all the time, we are always perfect.

Everything is as it is at the moment, perfect as it cannot be anything else. However in the passing of one moment to the next (or the same if you like) we can improve.

If it always perfect (even in its imperfection) then how can you not love it?

Some ramblings to prompt your own thinking.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by DEEJ

Self love seems to be the key to life, I can see that if I work on this EVERYTHING else will fall into place, it seems to me like the one thing everyone is looking for, anyone else agree?

Absolutely!

I still however have a hard time with believing that I can accept myself as perfect as I am and still improve and be 'The person I want to be.'

It's not about accepting yourself as perfect. It's about accepting those things about you that you cannot change and improving those things you can.

Thoughts? What does self love and acceptance mean to you?

Actually, this is what I write about on my site: Love Yourself - The Art of High Self-Esteem and Develop A Healthy Self-Concept.

[dulaney0330]

I wrote this a couple months ago on here:

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"Last night, I was saying outloud a couple positive affirmations and one of them is, " I love and accept myself."

I stopped myself and said what does love even mean? How can I love and accept myself?

One of the best definitions of love comes from the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7,

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy and it does not boast..Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. "

That tells me that I am to be patient with my shortcomings, bad days and destructive habits. It tells me that I need to rejoice in the truth of who I am and reject all insecurity. But most of all it tells me that I have the ability to trust, hope and persevere because I am a worthwhile and precious human being that has great potential to live a joyfully and peacefully.

To accept means to "to take or receive willingly." To accept myself really means to WANT to receive both the strengths and weaknesses that make up me. It does not mean to deny, put down, or ignore but to truthfully and wholly acknowledge and receive each aspect of myself. This can be hard because if we see a part of ourselves that we do not like, we wish to disregard or punish it. Acceptance does take time and that is something I am working on.

I do not know how long it will take you or I to overcome our destructive habits, but I can only theorize that truly loving and accepting ourselves will fulfill that dream."
__________________

[basil12]

I had a similar experience a few days ago. I had taken a percocet (a rare indulgence) and was sitting in a hot tub with my eyes closed trying to relax. In that moment my guard was down a little bit and I was willing to be more honest with my thoughts.

I realized that nearly every moment of my day, and my life, is centered on trying to be "ok". Everything I say to people is just me trying to prove that I am adequate and all my thoughts and plans are just ways that I want to improve myself so that I will be good and ok. This is not a healthy motivation to improve myself, but I am driven because I feel that I'm not ok.

As I sat there, more sensitive and in tune with my feelings, I went through cycles of deep calm as I told myself that no matter what I do I'm alright, and cycles of deep worry that I have this issue.

How many people are interested in personal development because they feel inadequate and are trying for ego gratification? I think a lot of people have at least some of this.

[cheech]

I read an interesting article by Alan Watts recently called (I think) "the paradox of self-acceptance". In it, he highlights what he feels is the basic problem here, which is that people are seeking self-acceptance in order to feel happier or more at peace, or because they feel it will make them more successful or improve their social skills. Whatever the motivation, his point is that people are seeking self-acceptance in order to change. That is, people are trying to accept themselves just as they are in order to stop being just as they are

I wonder if it's possible to take the position of "I am perfect just as I am, so my desires for change are perfect desires, and any changes that result will be perfect changes"

One approach that might resolve this is to view the "self" that we're trying to accept as separate from our appearance, job, wealth, relationships and yes, even personality. So all of these things can change, and we can work to change them, but there is a core self beyond all these things that is changeless and that we accept. I think Eckhart Tolle expresses something similar to this ("you are not your mind) in The Power Of Now, but I still don't feel like I've properly grasped the concept, or understood its implications. I'm not even sure if this would be at all the same kind of self-acceptance as is being discussed in this thread, or if it would even help with the problems you're trying to address (would acceptance of that core self uninhibit you in social situations, or could you still feel uncomfortable because you hadn't accepted the surface personality that expresses itself in these situations?)

Sorry if this is a bit rambly. I've been giving this stuff a lot of thought, lately, but am having trouble reaching any meaningful conclusions, or even resolving the stuff in my head into coherent ideas

[basil12]

Yep, I know the Alan Watts talk you are talking about.

He keeps asking "well why do you wan't to get rid of your ego? the answer: so your ego will feel better about itself".

I stopped reading Alan Watts because all his paradoxical examples made me feel even crazier.

[lasti]

Hey DEEJ, I see what you mean!
Let me share some of my thoughts:
What is self-love? How can you love yourself? There would be two selves: One that loves and one that's loved. But you're just one - so how to do that?

At first you should know that you can't do it with your mind. Your mind can't accept, can't love, can't even stop critizing. Your mind blames you and is never content with yourself. You have to look for something behind your mind.

Behind your mind, what is there?
You are behind your mind. And you are love. Love isn't an action it's a state. And you're naturally in that state. If you don't find yourself in that state it's because you're in a state of resistance. Resistance to the moment. Resistance to be who you're truly are. Resistance to love.

The easiest way, to let go of resistance is to accept. You know, you don't have to accept anything. Just accept the present moment. Go fully into the present moment and accept it. You can feel in your body whether there are resistant feelings or wether you've dropped them. Also try to let your thoughts go, so your mind doesn't take you over again.

Do you feel it? If you accept the moment, you begin to feel the love. Because that's your natural state and you're not resisting it anymore.

If you haven't done it yet, I recommend you reading "The Power Of Now", from Eckhardt Tolle. There you might learn some other techniques to let go of resistance.