Help for self-sabotage

[the_caveman]

I've decided that my failures are predominantly self-generated. I believe I'm purposely, at some level, making the mistakes that prevent me from getting ahead. I want to get at the root of this issue, but really don't know how. Any suggestions on books, DVDs, CDs, etc. would be appreciated.

Thanks

[JJH]

Great realization! I think most people in the world are affected by this to varying degrees. But the first step is awareness of it. Well done.

I'm beginning to think there are two broad categories to dealing with this (indeed, to PD in general): 1) Take a surface approach by changing the mind/ego patterns to something more resourseful through will-power, repetition, affirmations, NLP, hypnosis... or, 2) Take a consciousness-based approach in which you can still apply the methods above, but you'll be connecting with a greater power to help you along the way. As your awareness expands (through meditation for example), you become conscious of your unconscious emotional-response mechanisms. And they fall away naturally if they aren't in accord with your growth.

I think that almost all the methods of growth discussed on this forum are helpful. It's a matter of trying some out for yourself and finding what works best for you. And keep asking questions - you're bound to get different answers from each poster.

[Michelle]

I wrote an article about this on my blog from the perspective of a singer - but the principles are universal.

A Singer’s Life Blog » Blog Archive » How Self-Sabotage Prevents You From Reaching Your Highest Potential

Good luck to you.

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by the_caveman

I've decided that my failures are predominantly self-generated. I believe I'm purposely, at some level, making the mistakes that prevent me from getting ahead. I want to get at the root of this issue, but really don't know how. Any suggestions on books, DVDs, CDs, etc. would be appreciated.

Thanks

How about...

Eliminate Self-Sabotage and Negative Self-Talk

recommended by The Steve

[Dharma]

Originally Posted by the_caveman

I want to get at the root of this issue, but really don't know how. Any suggestions on books, DVDs, CDs, etc. would be appreciated.

Consider posting an example of something happening right now or recenty relating to your self-sabotage.

[Erik Mazzone]

I also struggle with this issue. I am often drawn to big new solutions, new ideas, new pronouncements for getting better at this. They tend to work for a little while and then fade away.

I am coming to appreciate the value of the small gesture. Don't tackle the entire problem of why you engage in self-sabotaging behavior all at once. That's a pretty big enchilada!

Instead, start with one small decision and make it in a self-affirming way. Don't worry about all the other million decisions that go wrong. Just make one that goes right. Then, tomorrow, add another one. And so on until these little unrelated decisions weave together into a tapestry of disciplined, self-affirming decision making.

Oh, and one other thing I came across recently. There is a Scott Peck about self-discipline being the same as self-love. When you stop to really consider that, it makes it much harder to let your self-discipline slip, because it forces you to see those slips as a lack of self-love.

Good luck!

[skydust]

Amazon.com: Secrets You Keep from Yourself : How to Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness: Books: Dan Neuharth

[DQueens]

caveman, i was just coming on this forum to post a question, pretty much exactly the same as yours, when i came across your post. Thank you. I am becoming very frusterated with constantly failing at goals that i know perfectly well i can achieve. I have achieved those same standards at previous times in my life.
i think one of the main reasons behind my self sabotage is that i am afraid to be happy. i am afraid that if i have something to lose and then lose it, i will be worse off than if i had never known the happiness i might achieve through becoming successful at my goals. does anyone else have any thoughts or advice on this that may help the caveman, myself or anyone else who is sabotaging their goals...?

[magickmystik]

Making mistakes is a natural function of living and will continue to be until we
reach a point at which

all our beliefs are in absolute harmony with our desires

one of the reasons perhaps...

[Smiley]

the_caveman, here's my thought on the subject. I believe that every person makes the very best choice that they can, at the moment that they make it, with the information they have available. Where that gets screwy is in thinking that "the best choice" has something to do with what you actually want.

Let me give you an example of mine to see if this rings any bells for you. There are many instances of which I can think where I wanted to see myself achieving financial and social success. And repeatedly, I found myself not achieving the marks that I wanted to. When I looked closely, I found certain patterns repeating.

On of these patterns was that I would spend endless hours generating ideas, creating plans of action, detailing how I saw the mechanics of the process working out, etc. However, where I typically fell short was in follow-through. I had all of these great ideas and plans, but rarely executed any of them. And, when I did, I would typically execute to the degree of about 50% of my capability.

How was that my best choice, some might ask. Well, it was my best choice given the information that I had. Certain information, which I chose nonetheless to ignore, was playing against my success. That information was my own self-doubt.

I lived a rather easy life in a loving, supportive family. I was the baby and got whatever I wanted. That experience showed up elsewhere in my life as well. When I found myself out in the adult world, "coasting" was not to be the path to the success that I sought. However, I was still just a coaster. I figured out that I held a belief that I did not know what my capabilities were, and feared finding out that they were not as strong as I thought they were. Thus, when faced with challenges, I did not perform to 100%. I feared finding out just what I was capable of.

So the choices that I made fulfilled my need to stay rooted in false confidence of thinking that I was highly capable. The need was based around a core need of security. I had a high need for security that I had not previously acknowledged. Interestingly, being completely honest with myself, I found that I was already missing the security that I was so desperately trying to protect. The need for security manifested in my own 'not trying' for I believed that if I actually found out that I was not capable, then I would have proven to myself that security was not possible.

I hope I explained that well enough.

What I then ask you is, what is the core need? What is the core need that results in patterns that lead to self-sabatoge. If you can consciously meet those needs, then you will be able to interrupt the patterns that lead to their getting filled. I believe that core needs will be filled, at all costs, even to our own detriment. So, what is that need? How can you fill it aside from the patterns that currently sabatoge your efforts to achieve what you desire?

For me, the security need is now more consciously filled by acknowledgement of all of the risks of a particular business transaction, or what have you. That is, simply consciously acknowledging what the possible outcomes are grants me the security that I previously sought through self-sabatoge. Now, all of that information was previously available. I didn't really have to DO anything differently. I simply had to acknowledge that need and give it what it wanted. And that has made all the difference.

Now, it's not like I'm a 100% productivity machine now. I am working on it. My old patterns (oh, so many of them) still show up in varying frequencies and intensities. And sometimes I catch them and sometimes I do not. But being conscious of them, and the need that they are serving, has helped me to be more aware of when I am getting in my own way.

What are your needs?

[songwriter]

Now it's time for me to read those articles... I use to manifest what I intend... except for "important things"... in that ones I manifest quite the opposite of what I want.

[songwriter]

I think I'm self-sabotaging myself in stopping self-sabotaging myself... lol

[songwriter]

Originally Posted by songwriter

I think I'm self-sabotaging myself in stopping self-sabotaging myself... lol

well... maybe in me it's about anxiety or overworry... if I consider something to be "important"... then I don't get it, "or so". It's like a pattern for me and maybe others are in the same situation.

"when you want it so much, there's no easy way out"...

[Alvin]

Hmm let me offer a different perspective.

I was an active life coach for nearly 1 and a half years and saw hundreds of people through our personal development programs. I've also been an NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) junkie for over a decade.

Back when I started PD, I'd constantly think thoughts like; 'why did I screw that bit of my life up?', 'why didn't I do this-or do that?', 'just why am I behaving in this limited way' or 'what is the cause of my limitations?'

In my coaching experience, I also saw tons of people asking themselves this question: 'what is the cause of my limitations?'

It's taken me over a decade and hundreds of hours of coaching to realize this fundamental truth: the act of looking for the cause of your self-sabotage is self-sabotaging.

Don't get me wrong, some people do need to go back and resolve issues in the past that keep them stuck. But I've found that the number of people who need to is smaller than what most people think.

A major turn-around in my growth as a coach was when I left the digging for problem-causes until way later in the program. I'd refuse to participate in looking for causes of problems, but instead focus on present strengths and future goals, i.e. a solutions-focused and future-orientated approach instead of a problem-focused and past-orientated one.

Most of the time it worked!

The bottom-line was it came down to a shift in mindset, if you observe successful people they have the ability to shrug off obstacles, mistakes and disappointments and instead look forward to the future. Someone who's 'stuck' usually does the opposite, create a brighter picture of the miserable past than a larger picture of a brighter future.

So, a possible solution:

Instead of looking for causes of problems, focus so much on your positive traits, building your strengths and creating a magnificent future for yourself that the causes remain in the past where they belong.

[the_caveman]

Hello all,

Thanks for the many different points of view. Dharma asked that I post a specific example. I've found as I get older (just turned 37) that my mind has to mull things over a bit and usually produces results in bits and pieces at odd times. The specific event that led me to the self-sabotage diagnosis was this. I was playing one of my little puzzle games on my computer. I'm given a line of differently colored balls that proceed along a trail around a central location. From this location I shoot colored balls. The goal is to shoot the balls into the line to create 3 or more of the same color in a row. At which point, the 3 or more explode and the line shortens. I'm supposed to destroy the line before it reaches the end. As I was playing this, I spontaneously mentally stepped back from what I was doing and observed how I was playing. I noticed that many times I was making the wrong move even as I knew it was the wrong move. Needless to say, I was confused. Often times this happens when I am tired. It occured to me that this might have some significance. Was I just tired and making stupid mistakes? I don't think so. Was I simply disinterested, but played only out of habit and was trying to dissuade myself from continuing? Maybe. I don't really know exactly what was going on, but it occured to me that if this was going on with such a trivial event as playing this simple game, it might be going on in other areas of my life. As a matter of fact, the more I thought about it, I was sure it was going on in probably every area of my life. The question for me was one of determining motivation. Was I unhappy and through failure attempting to force myself to do something different? Was I punishing myself for some reason and purposely torpedoing any attempt to better myself and thus perpetuate my suffering? I feel that determining the "why" of this issue to be of central importance. As far as why I feel this way, let's just say it has the ring of truth about it. I know that it seems pretty bizarre that this whole complicated train of thought could arise from one poorly played video game, but that's the truth of it. It seems to me that if it was simply an issue of sitting down and logically ascertaining what was in my head that I probably would have already done this at some previous point. I'm therefore left with the conclusion that the problem is rooted in a deeper place than logic. There has to be some level of subconscious activity at work here. What I don't know is how to more directly interact with the subconscious to determine the cause of all this. Hopefully this long, drawn-out explanation will help. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks again.

[shesaboutspirit]

The metaphysical perspective that whatever you focus on grows is what I believe Alvin is pointing out so well.

I've spent years, and years (I'm 45) staring into my dysfunction trying to figure it out. I get awarenesses...but for the most part, I can see that I keep repeating the same patterns over and over, with a slight upgrade because of the awareness. Not nearly enough to make that kind of process worthwhile.

I for one am glad to be reminded to focus on what I do want, rather than what's not working. Everything within me is thrilled that I'm being reminded of this truth.

thanks for the question and great answers.

Pam

[Alvin]

"Insight into the past may be somewhat educational. But insight into the past isn't going to change the past."
~Milton Erickson

Hi Caveman,

The simple answer is that you're over analyzing things.

You started to build a belief from something you observe, now that's not wrong, but realize it is subjective.

For e.g. someone else could have taken away from your game scenario that they just have butterfingers for gaming...luckily they have other talents.

Something that causes a stuck state is to believe that a problem is pervasive, a challenge in one area means a challenge in all areas. Someone might lose a contract at work, and start generalizing that his whole life sucks. Before that happens is when you want to stop.

So, having asked all that, here's the magic question:

Imagine that you've already resolved the cause of your self-sabotage. What would be different in your life and how would you know? What would you see, hear, do and believe differently?

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

I'm going to add using EFT for self-sabotage. You know you're doing something wrong yet you do it. I'm with Alvin - dont' dwell on it or build it into something bigger than it is. Using EFT, tap on the self-sabotage (short guide on my website or google search it). I'd suggest a setup statement something like:

Even though I make the wrong move even as I know it's the wrong move, I love and accept myself completely.

See what thoughts pop up. Often it will remind you of an event in your childhood or another thought, which you then tap on, until you come back to the original problems (making the wrong move) and you think to yourself, "Give me that computer and I'll get it right this time!"

My 2c worth anyway

Joy to you
Hazel

[madinyc]

The reason I'm here is that today, while trading the stock market, I had a revelation: I self sabotage myself ...1) to prove my dead father right- that I'll never be anybody, and 2) the get love...my mom , having had eleven children, could only give attention to the child that had a problem. I create failure thinking subconsciously that people will fell sorry for me and therefore care for me.
I have to break this pattern!

Caveman, is playing computer games a way you self sabotage?