Post breakup frustration...

[Swannie]

There is a wonderful woman who was in my life almost daily. We never argued, are on the same wavelength, and seem to know each others minds. Maybe a little too well.

I'm frustrated because I want it to work out, even though I accept (95%) that that won't happen. More so because what we had still feels special to me, and I know it does to her. Not contacting her is an almost daily exercise in self control.

Today it has been frustrating because there are small things changing in my life for the better, which I know sharing with her would make me happy, make her happy for me, and that would make me even happier. Yet if I share these things with my friends, they just don't get why it's important to me.

I've been "working" on improving my relationships with my friends and family, to somewhere close to what I had with my ex. The problem is it is "work", it is requiring courage and time. With her, these things were so easy.

So, can anyone help with what I could be doing?

Thanks,
Swannie

(The other factor today, is that I needed to take yesterday and today off of running due to a sore ankle. The 13miles or so on my schedule would have worked a lot of this out!)

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Swannie

I'm frustrated because I want it to work out, even though I accept (95%) that that won't happen.

Swannie, you can be 100% sure that it will work out, one way or another. Where your frustration comes in is that you want it to work out in a certain way -- you have an image of how it will have to be before you will be satisfied and fulfilled. So you are unable (or unwilling) to be satisfied and fulfilled in your current moment with this woman, and that's too bad because your current moments with her sound really beautiful and lovely!

You didn't specifically state your aim for this, but I'm guessing you want to be in a loving, long-term, mutually beneficial relationship (LLTMBR) with her. If that's what you want, the LoA people will tell you to let go of your "I accept 95% that it won't happen" because what you are focusing on is "it won't happen."

If I were you, I would focus on what really works for you -- enjoying and being grateful for having this woman in your life right now. And if you'd like to edge it into romantic territory, be the kind of partner now that you'd want to be in an LLTMBR -- a leader, a teacher, a protector, and provider, maybe? (and allow her to be what she wants to be, too, which might very well turn out to be the same thing).

Oh, yeah, and you might also want to practice letting go of your focus on how great things were with your ex, by the way. You can be grateful for that without using it as a model for your current and future relationships -- ai chihuahua! That's a great way to get rid of a woman!

[Swannie]

Originally Posted by Angela

Swannie, you can be 100% sure that it will work out, one way or another. Where your frustration comes in is that you want it to work out in a certain way -- you have an image of how it will have to be before you will be satisfied and fulfilled. So you are unable (or unwilling) to be satisfied and fulfilled in your current moment with this woman, and that's too bad because your current moments with her sound really beautiful and lovely!

You didn't specifically state your aim for this, but I'm guessing you want to be in a loving, long-term, mutually beneficial relationship (LLTMBR) with her. If that's what you want, the LoA people will tell you to let go of your "I accept 95% that it won't happen" because what you are focusing on is "it won't happen."

If I were you, I would focus on what really works for you -- enjoying and being grateful for having this woman in your life right now. And if you'd like to edge it into romantic territory, be the kind of partner now that you'd want to be in an LLTMBR -- a leader, a teacher, a protector, and provider, maybe? (and allow her to be what she wants to be, too, which might very well turn out to be the same thing).

Oh, yeah, and you might also want to practice letting go of your focus on how great things were with your ex, by the way. You can be grateful for that without using it as a model for your current and future relationships -- ai chihuahua! That's a great way to get rid of a woman!

Oops. Thanks Angela, but I managed to miss out an important "was".

My ex was the wonderful woman. Even though we are rarely talking, that connection still exists. We picked it up far too easily last time we spoke. Now expecting to be going 2 months without contact, minimum, in the hope we can both move on.

Frustrated because it cannot work in her mind, but it can in mine.

[Angela]

Oh, I'm sorry, I had understood that there was your ex, and then there was this new woman. I'm sorry for your pain about the ex, but it's nice to have parted with love, isn't it? That makes new love more available to you.

What were you being when you were with this woman? Not her, but you -- what way of being was really predominate in you, when everything was going so smoothly?

[Swannie]

What was the predominant way of being? Being myself, and being happy about all the wonderful new experiences and learning that was happening.

And I'm happy with all the new learning that has been happening since. Experiencing this pain was new and I think somewhat necessary for me to be a "full" adult. It's hard not to dwell on past mistakes. I've probably learned all I can from them. All the learning that has taken place in the last year, since before we exchanged numbers, means I'm living a fuller life now compared to then. However, I don't feel as "safe" to just be myself - I miss the huge level of trust that was there.

But it doesn't stop me from feeling that my ex and I may still have a future together, as more than friends. Which is probably frustrating because I strongly suspect it will take at least another 6 months before I have improved some aspects of myself to where that would be a possibility. By then part of me hopes she's found someone new.

I've ran all over this thing. This way, that way, up, down, inside out, outside in. Everything in my head, logically, tells me I'm good, move on - and you know how and in what areas so do it! But there is a part of my heart that says what we had, what we still feel for each other, was special, and I'm pretty sure is afraid, that neither of us will quite find it again.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Swannie

I don't feel as "safe" to just be myself - I miss the huge level of trust that was there....

But there is a part of my heart that says what we had, what we still feel for each other, was special, and I'm pretty sure is afraid, that neither of us will quite find it again.

It sounds to me like you have a huge amount of trust -- your posts really reek of it. Just maybe not the kind of trust that would have you feeling too good.

How many LLTMBR's have you been in?

[Swannie]

:-) Not sure I understand the "maybe not the kind of trust that would have you feeling too good".

You are very sharp. This was my first. Something which I think worried my ex, as she's been in 2-3.

[Angela]

I mean, from what you've written here, your expectations in the romantic arena sound grim and retro (trying to get something romantic "back" never works, because romantic feelings don't remain static. That's the great thing about romance.)

Maybe you would benefit by examining your beliefs about love for truth. And I mean your deep beliefs, the ones you're not immediately aware that you hold.

[Swannie]

Originally Posted by Angela

I mean, from what you've written here, your expectations in the romantic arena sound grim and retro (trying to get something romantic "back" never works, because romantic feelings don't remain static. That's the great thing about romance.)

Indeed. I don't want them "back". If the same thing came "back", it would "leave" again in the same way. Nothing "real" is ever the same twice.

Grim and retro? Maybe. I don't believe there is "the one", but I do believe the "right people" are few and far between. I do believe that people can return to past relationships and they can be stronger than they were before. I don't believe in "fighting" to get the past "back". But working for the future? Sure.

Originally Posted by Angela

Maybe you would benefit by examining your beliefs about love for truth. And I mean your deep beliefs, the ones you're not immediately aware that you hold.

Love for truth? I ruthlessly pursue it, for it is often elusive, changing.

Am I in denial? I'd like to believe that I am in touch with reality. I think that's fairly true, because when I get brought back to reality, grounded, its not that painful. Of course, there are some areas where I like to flatter myself, I'm not above a little narcissism. I've always been very candid.

Since the first post, I realised I was still hanging on to unexpressed thoughts and feelings towards my ex-partner. After a couple of weeks without seeing her, I felt I needed to talk, but she rejected that possibility. Some time (a month?) later we met up, with the proviso of talking about present and future, not past - at her request. Afterwards, and when I posted this, I was frustrated. I realise now it was more with myself, for not expressing those thoughts... I'd been placing her request above my own desire.

I realised, with a little prompting from the world, that if I continue to carry these thoughts around, essentially my answers to her reasons for splitting, then we have a poor foundation for a future friendship. So I wrote her a letter, before going away for the week.

Suffice to say, frustration gone. Feeling much better for taking responsibility for my own healing. Even if it causes her some sadness... I can't *know* that it will or won't... it was certainly causing me some.

Outcome from the action? I feel scarily free... unattached to the outcome... what will be will be. I want her "back", but as a friend or partner, I don't mind. But if she doesn't want me back, that's sad, but OK, because I have so many happy memories I can revisit if I want.

[Angela]

That's great, Swannie!

By the way, that was a typo on my part -- I meant to say "your beliefs about love OR truth", not "love for truth."