Dealing with difficult people. which of 2 ways?

[metamorph]

I wonder what your philosophy is on how to handle "difficult" people (let us say someone says something nasty about you...). Taking accountability could be done very differently:
Some self-help gurus (Phil McGraw, Nathaniel Branden etc) say "you teach other people how to treat you". So, if someone "offends" you or direspects you, you stand up for yourself and teach other people that this is not OK.

Others (Tolle, Dyer etc) say: There is no offense in the first place. People just mirror themselves in you, and if they are full of disrespect (etc) then that is just what is in them. They tell you not to even go down the road of "offense" ,"difficult" etc, but preach detachment from form and ego. But then, if you do not even buy into the concept of offense (etc), you obviously cannot "teach other people how to treat you". So both ways are exclusive, aren't they.

I just wondered which way you go and how this affects your happiness and self-esteem.

[Angela]

Both, I reckon. First you take 100% responsibility for how you are creating the situation, take a look at how this person is your mirror buddy, and see what way of being would work better. Then you present yourself as a person who deserves to be treated well -- because you have already done that by taking 100% responsibility for your own well-being.

If you do the vice-versa and start with "teaching" people how to treat you without first taking 100% responsibility, it will come up empty and unconvincing to the other person -- like a little bantam rooster saying, "I do SO deserve to be treated well!" when it's clear he doesn't really believe it.

Do you have a specific incident in mind?

[Jarrod]

I'm for both methods. Sometimes it is necessary to stand up for yourself, sometimes it is better to pass on by.

Either way you should not let the external world effect you (the whole taking 100% responsibility for yourself).

I find that if I am clear of thoughts and emotions and tend to sort of 'know' how I should act.

[Remiel]

Originally Posted by Jarrod

I'm for both methods. Sometimes it is necessary to stand up for yourself, sometimes it is better to pass on by.

Either way you should not let the external world effect you (the whole taking 100% responsibility for yourself).

I find that if I am clear of thoughts and emotions and tend to sort of 'know' how I should act.

Agreed. There are times where I let it pass because I realize I am just being a mirror for them. Actually I find that often times when they say that I'm doing certain things for certain reasons that they usually aren't my reasons. In fact I just see it as another aspect of the mirror.

Other times I'll stand up for myself and hold them accountable. It really depends on the situation.

[NightSpirit]

It's both. It is situational, really. Sometimes it's both at the same time. You can teach other people to how to treat you not by 'standing up for yourself' but in treating others the way they should have treated you, as in meeting disrespect with respect or anger with kindness.

You take no offense at what they did but at the same time teach them how you want to be treated by example. It's a beautiful thing when you see that light bulb moment in someone else without directly hurting them.

[Dannyboy1]

If I know someone has said something bad about me, I first assess if it matters. Will it affect my life in a negative way. If not, then who cares? However, if it is affecting my life, I will approach them abruptly, but without any anger or any other emotion. Then, I will stand just a little to close for their comfort and look directly into their eyes completely focused on them and ask without emotion why they are talking about me. This approach does many things. It throws them off guard because it was sudden. It intimidates them only slightly so they answer more honestly. Also, the complete focus looking into their eyes doesn't allow them to think of excuses. The most important thing is to make sure you do not look or act emotional, but only curious. This prevents them from attacking and confuses them enough to make them really be truthful. I learned all this from being a doorman. I never had to get physical and they always did what I said. It doesn't matter how much bigger they are as long as you are emotionless.

[metamorph]

Thank you both for your reply. I guess the moment you even think about how to act in such a situation you already have subconsciously read the incident as an "offense", haven't you. So the Tolle-way would work best if you had the mindset before the situation arose (?).

Angela, as to the specific situation: the last example was just the usual petty stuff at work that got me again off guard: a colleague who treated me with arrogance... (or so I chose to feel about the situation...)

During my lunch-break I thought about this and came up with something that could help me with these situations:
People own the energies or emotions they have and direct at other people as much as I own my emotions and energies. And other people expressing these emotions and energies do not take anything away from who I am or from my ability to be who I want to be. Thus, there really is no offense and nothing to teach to each other. If I accept this, then I am able to "live and let live" (you can own your emotions, and I can own mine). So in the example above, the colleague owned his arrogance (and maybe the lack of self-esteem that caused it) and I owned my sensitivity to it (and thus my lack of self-esteem and consciousness at that moment).

And the second belief I started is to dance with emotions and energies that surround me (that is in my head). Dancing gives it a much more fun and playful attitude as opposed to fighting or competing against the emotions/energies that surround you.

Hope this still makes sense anywhere outside of my mind

[The Cloud]

Taking offense is a negative emotion, correct? Not something that you would actively desire to feel. Then why would you encourage a viewpoint that requires that you feel offended, if your goal is to be happy? You can only be happy right now, if you're ever going to be happy. Giving up happiness now for the perceived chance of happiness later is a dead-end philosophy, because if less happy now = more happy later, then you will always be giving up happiness now in favor of a later bounty, which you will promptly sacrifice for a bounty further down the road. So taking offense delays your happiness just so that you can teach somebody a lesson. Kind of defeats the point, doesn't it?

[Jarrod]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Taking offense is a negative emotion, correct?

Well observed

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Taking offense is a negative emotion, correct? Not something that you would actively desire to feel. Then why would you encourage a viewpoint that requires that you feel offended, if your goal is to be happy? You can only be happy right now, if you're ever going to be happy. Giving up happiness now for the perceived chance of happiness later is a dead-end philosophy, because if less happy now = more happy later, then you will always be giving up happiness now in favor of a later bounty, which you will promptly sacrifice for a bounty further down the road. So taking offense delays your happiness just so that you can teach somebody a lesson. Kind of defeats the point, doesn't it?

I absolutely agree, and I had some time to think about this last night. Taking full accountability really will mean for me from now on not to label the energies that surround me any more. In the example above with the "arrogant" colleague, I created the arrogance by labeling his behaviour and energies as "arrogant" in my mind. This morning, I apologised to this colleague in my mind for doing so and for assigning a negative meaning to his energies. And I sent him love. I also just let his and other energies be. This is what I mean with dancing with other energies. These energies are truly neutral and do not harm or threaten you or take something away from you until you label them. In the example above I created classical buddhist suffering by labeling and by refusing to just accept the energies of other people as they are. I wanted his behaviour to be different

And you can still stand up for yourself and teach other people how to treat you without labeling them or taking offense. E.g. someone jumps the queue, someone shouts at you, someone does not listen to you. Without labeling these behaviours as good or bad, you can simply state the facts and emphasise that you do not accept such behaviour.

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by Angela

your mirror buddy

Thanks for this expression, Angela. It really made the rest of my day and I carry it around with me. I think about mirroring every day, but this really sums it up short and as I see it. Don't be angry with the mirror if you don't like the image you see = don't shoot the messenger.

Mirror "buddy" is just that!

[Angela]

You're welcome. It's kind of a fun way to be grateful where you were once resistant, isn't it?