Sickness of separation/identity

[martind19]

(I'm editing down my post as I'm working through this, eliminating the old details.)

I suffer from Nice Guy Syndrome.

Not claiming boundaries. Afraid to stand up for myself, if I ever do find myself apart from the people around me.

I am a great husband and father, yet often play the role of great husband and father as a volcano of regret and resentment is brewing underneath.

I feel it almost impossible to get through the daily grind of having (and being a stay at home dad for) a young family.

I was never close with my birth family. Yet I quickly jumped into being completely merged with my soul mate, a woman who I feel cosmically/psychologically connected with, whom I've been with for 15 years.

I long for a 'life' on the 'outside', but often feel very jailed in my own physical and psychological existence.

I feel there is so much inside me I'm afraid of.

I am probably just like everyone else.

[Alison Jenkins]

As I read all this I am wondering whether you are a "people pleaser" and that is actually at the root of the problem. When you try to please others you will never know who you really are, as it changes like a mask depending upon who you are trying to please. If this does apply you might want to read this article I wrote on People Pleasing There is also an article written about wearing masks - this article is focused on Perfectionism


Have you tried writing a gratitude list about all the things in your life that you are thankful. Take it right back to basics and you begin to see all that you have. So for example you have electricity and water, kids, wife etc etc whatever you are grateful for.

What would happen if you did find out who you were? Would specific fears surface? If so explore where they come from. You might want to do this with a professional

Alison

[martind19]

Hi Alison,

No I don't see myself as a People Pleaser. I do understand that type of person. I did read your article and know that's not really me. People pleasers have a strong sense of self-worth, it's just in doing for other people.

I'm more of a compulsive adapter in order to mesh with (idealized) others in the moment. I'm looking for a rescuer, a guide. I don't trust my inner self. Which goes without saying when the inner self is an unhinged boat on a restless sea.

I can't take criticism without wanting to tear down and change everything I do. Because my pride *is* in adapting. I can't not do it. And I can't take unacceptance from others, I need the approval. Yet I'm always changing the target of my efforts. Different people, groups, etc.

Through a lot of self-study already, I'm aware that by declaring a 'self', I'll feel separated from others. And I fear separation from those closest to me. That by being 'me' I'll turn people off, drive them away, cause harm in the world. Humiliate myself, etc.

It's impossible for me to be the end of the line of my own approval and self-worth. And with my attempted career, with so much seemingly weighing on 'crowd approval' or 'industry approval' (know any successful artist without approval from lots of people?), I'm having such a hard time.

Maybe my use of the word 'approval' is tripping me up.

As for being grateful, that's never worked for me. I take too much for granted. Life is just life, without me doing anything. I would have to see myself as being worth some sort of gift to be grateful for it. Or lacking and therefore glad to have received something, as if I'm subservient to some sort of holy giving machine.

[Jarrod]

First up you have a gift, it is called a body :P

All those desires to adapt, the need for approval, the hurt of criticism. What are they?

Are they not thoughts and emotions?

Find the gap between them and you will find something permanent that you can call 'you'.

Everyone has this permanent element so you are not really separated from others. Learn to feel it and you will get to know it.

[Alison Jenkins]

Ok so the root is perceived or real criticism. Were you a criticized child or constantly told that you should be doing something differently?

Alison

[martind19]

Originally Posted by Alison Jenkins

Ok so the root is perceived or real criticism. Were you a criticized child or constantly told that you should be doing something differently?

Alison

I'm starting to see it as 'perceived abandonment'. As there was never a 'right' way to do things, according to my mom. Just that if I did certain things, she pointed out that other kids wouldn't like me. So I learned to put feelers out to what other people are doing and 'should' join in.

As well, she trained me to be unlike my father. Who in her eyes was too shy, too withdrawn. She was terrified I'd be like him. In her overprotectiveness and smothering, she pushed me towards having popular and outgoing friends to 'pull me out of my shell'.

Did I ask to be pulled out? Of course not. I'm not sure if I ever said I wasn't happy being who I was, but she was a nervous overprotective mom who couldn't stand me being hurt in any way so her plan was to make me popular and outgoing and I'd never get hurt.

Now I feel I've mastered the art of chasing after people to try to be accepted and not abandoned.

[Alison Jenkins]

So having spent your life being shaped by what your Mum wanted for you, now you don't know how to be yourself. What's your favourite colour?

Alison

[martind19]

Originally Posted by Alison Jenkins

So having spent your life being shaped by what your Mum wanted for you, now you don't know how to be yourself. What's your favourite colour?

Alison

green. But that's hers too. So after thinking Green I usually say Blue, if someone asks.

[Alison Jenkins]

So you still chooses what your Mum likes rather than your own colour. I still choose my Dad's favourite flowers and you will see them all around my house in memory of him. One day I may choose my own flower rather than roses.

Alison

[martind19]

well as much as I try to not be like her, at the core I think we are so incredibly similar. Which scares me. So I try very hard to change/grow myself where I can or deny the resemblance.

I really think we both just like green. But I like all earth colors + blue. She has a closet full of green. I don't. I have blues, tans, browns, a red or two, a little white and a couple black shirts for when I want to rock.