And I believe I'm Deficient

[seeker5]

Three weeks ago, I read Caren's thread called I Believe I'm Worthless, and realized after reading it that I had a persistent thought that would come up in my mind when I'd think about my big future plans - the thought of "I'm not good enough yet for that". When I'd think about moving to a new city where I don't really know anyone, and thinking about having to create a network of friends, start dating from scratch, start a career, ask people for help, etc, I'd have these thoughts that'd interrupt me and say "My basic human skills aren't good enough to do that." So I wondered if it was a deep belief in the same vein as Caren's belief that she layed out in her post.

I shared that with a friend and she suggested I get it worked out with Angela's coaching. But I wasn't 100% sure it was an emotional belief at first, I thought maybe it was a habitual thought pattern, something logical that just came up from all of the bad results I've had in the past. But my friend really insisted it was an emotional belief, and since I trusted her, I approached Angela and she started coaching me through it. I haven't finished it, I'm still in the beginning phases of it for now, but I thought I'd share what I've discovered so far. It's amazed me. And my friend was right, it was an emotional issue.

Angela told me to stop trying to think about it, but to get the feeling. That was hard for me to do, to get the feeling - I searched for what this belief felt like, this belief that was causing me to think "I'm not good enough", that was stopping me from going full out for my new life. (I've quit my job and I want to relocate and start a new career). I got closer with "I'm not enough", and "I'm a failure", but these didn't really get to the core of it, it didn't resonate 100%. Finally, one evening while doing something else, it struck me like a flash - the feeling deep down inside of me is that "I'm deficient". That is, if it takes a set core of modules to create a normal basic functioning human, I was deficient because I was missing some of them, specifically those modules dealing with social situations, but with some other areas as well.

I'd feel deficient in approaching new people, making new friends, dating new girls, dealing with rejection, applying for jobs, selling myself to others, as well as other non-social areas as well. However, mainly social areas. Once I'd get into a relationship with a girl, and once I get a friendship going, then I wouldn't have that belief of being deficient in that relationship or friendship. But the thought of creating new friendships and new relationships, or the other stuff I mentioned above really cause that belief of being deficient to come up - and it also limited whom I'd form my friendships and relationships with.

I've discovered some crazy rules I had about it too.

First , I must not allow anyone to know I was deficient, I had to absolutely hide it and cover it up. That meant, for the most part, if I felt the slighest deficient, I'd have to pretend I wasn't interested in a girl, that I didn't care about having friends, that it was much better for people to think I was didn't want to be around them then for them to think I was shy, or deficient. If I didn't master the situation from the start and felt absolutely on top of it, if I felt the slightest incline of being deficient, I had to totally withdraw and avoid engaging with that person or situation. Of course, that meant it was hellish to ever try to admit to people I had these problems, and I've rarely done so until now of course.

Second, I discovered I must never feel deficient. Feeling deficient is absolutely the worst feeling I can have - as bad as death. So as soon as I'd feel deficient, my other negative emotions and thought-patterns would pop up to mask it - feeling of depression, sadness, resentment, etc would come up and hide it. It feels that I'd rather spend a year feeling depressed then spend 5 minutes feeling deficient. I may still have the belief down that I'm deficient, but that's different then actually feeling it. So, I'd avoid situation and things where I might feel deficient, making it so very incredibly hard to go into new social situations. Sometimes, I'd have a hard time reading about how someone else does something great, if it was an area I felt deficient in. Also, when my thought pattern would start thinking about a possible future I want and I think of how to do it, if I started feeling deficient, then most of the time *boom* my entire mental and emotional attitude went very negative and stayed there for a while.

I'm still searching for the initial trigger event, but in the meantime I've realized how huge of a overwhelming impact this deep core belief about myself has affected my life. It's really ruled the last 16 years, exactly half of my life. 16 Years ago, when I was 16 years old I set out to overcome this, without really knowing what it was. I just knew I couldn't live my life completely isolated from everyone, completely avoiding everyone, completely alone all day long. I approached it from a skill viewpoint, that if I learned the social skills, then I would overcome this, and I wouldn't be deficient anymore. I also eventually learned a lot about the corrects beliefs to have about relationships, friendships, people, rejection, situations and thus changed a lot of my beliefs about those things. But when a situation would arise where I'd feel deficient, then my deep inner belief of being deficient would subconsciously over-ride all those good beliefs I've installed, thus creating a hell of an inner storm within me, and thus enhancing my belief of being deficient!

Thus, progress has been slow - while I've made a lot of progress over 16 years, the problem is 16 years later, I'm still dealing with some of these basic issues I should have conquered considering how much time I've spent on this....! When I set out at the age of 16, it took me four years before I got my first date and first girlfirend at the age of 20. Then it took me 11 years after that to find a girl I could fall in love with for the first time.

Thus, with this belief of "I'm deficent", doing new social stuff would be like putting a 500 pound wet suit and then trying to run a race in the desert with no water, while everyone else got to race with just a shirt and t-shirt in a nice green area with plenty of water. Yeah, I could do the race, but it was always-so-incredibly-hard to get started. I'd be able to get results - get new friends, find a girlfriend, approach people, get jobs, but most of the time, it'd take me forever to get started, I'd have to truly focus an overwhelming huge amount of energy. So much that oftentime, when I'd break up with a girl (most of the times I break it up), it wasn't unusual for me to wait a whole year before I'd feel like putting the energy into dating again. Not because I was emotionally bothered at all - I felt emotionally ok. But that it would just take me-so-incredibly-much-energy-to-get-started-that-I-really-had-to-wait-until-I-really-got-so-sick-and-tired-of-not-dating. Same thing with creating friends, same thing with approaching people, etc. Just-took-so-much-incredibly-amount-of-energy. I can see why now, because I was fighting so incredibly much internally - feeling so much wanting to be with people...yet fighting this incredible conflicting belief that I am deficient...and that I must not allow people to even think I'm deficient...and that I must not feel it myself explicitly for a second...yet being so tired of being alone..ugh!

Since I've started working on this with Angela a week ago, I've sometimes being able to imagine how life would be with this core belief being gone - how it'd be to feel like I'm able to function like a normal basic human being and oh my god - it feels so good to imagine life without this feeling of "I'm deficient" - it feels like heaven when I visualize it - like the achievement of a 16 year-long struggle that's being hard as hell - a struggle that's defined half of my life. Just writing this and thinking of how it'd feel to live life without this belief that I'm deficient brings tears to my eyes.

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postscript

I wrote the above post one week ago. I spent a few hours writing it. I've shared it with some trusted friends, but I haven't posted it until now. I was afraid to post it – the fear of what it would be to reveal something like this, what it would mean. In a way, it's the worst thing I can reveal about myself, I don't think there is anything else I could ever reveal about myself that I would feel any worst about, nor anything else I've spent so much energy over the course of my life trying to hide.

I'm posting it out of love, because I thought that maybe it might help someone discover some deep negative belief they have about themselves. Awareness is the first key and once we're aware of it, then we can begin to address it and change the belief if we choose to. Reading Caren's own thread on "I'm Worthless" really helped bring this belief I had about myself to light. So thank you Caren, I'm posting this because of you and your courage in having started your own thread.

[seeker5]

I sent the above post to Angela a week ago since she's been coaching me. She told me that it was great, but that there was another belief beneath that. Through searching it, I've found what I believe to be the trigger - the trigger that caused this.

It happened in 3rd grade. I remember in third grade, when a cute little 3rd grade girl took an interest in me in 3rd grade romance. I was interested in her too and liked her.

I told my Mom and my younger sister laughted so much about it, they were making fun of me so much. It was like how ridiculous that a girl would like me, and I felt so incredibly embarrassed by it - and from their reaction I felt that I was not supposed to be liked by any girls, that a romance for me was the most ridiculous thing imaginable. I felt I was not supposed to be loved or liked by others, that it was very wrong - it's just not supposed to happen to me. And that it was very wrong for me to even think I could be loved or liked by someone else, and even to express it. After their reaction, I completely closed off to that girl and nothing else ever happened. And that was my last little romance until I was an adult.

[Ecce Homo]

Wonderful Seeker! Thank you for having the guts to share your journey here. I believe your post will be encouraging to many of us who have similar struggles. Your perseverance and your courage are truly an inspiration!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by seeker5

She told me that it was great, but that there was another belief beneath that.

Seeker, it's funny, but the way you word that makes it sound like you're limiting belief is deficient!

It's not, of course, "I am deficient" is perfectly on target. That's the belief we'll be examining when we speak, and I think it's going to be the source of freedom for you (and for me, too). It's very likely that there's another belief that is still lurking for you; there is for everyone, including myself. More layers of that onion. There's always more hidden from your view. So please don't worry about any other beliefs right now -- you've nailed it. If anything more comes up, you'll notice that it's all related and that your understanding will be ever-deepening.

These limiting beliefs are so ironic -- they really color every aspect of your life, including their own unconcealment!

You are a tiger in this, seeker -- you are unstoppable and bold and inspiring. So much gusto and courage and diligence you have -- I want to be just like you.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Angela

Seeker, it's funny, but the way you word that makes it sound like you're limiting belief is deficient!

It's not, of course, "I am deficient" is perfectly on target. That's the belief we'll be examining when we speak, and I think it's going to be the source of freedom for you (and for me, too). It's very likely that there's another belief that is still lurking for you; there is for everyone, including myself. More layers of that onion. There's always more hidden from your view. So please don't worry about any other beliefs right now -- you've nailed it. If anything more comes up, you'll notice that it's all related and that your understanding will be ever-deepening.

Yeah, I had written in the email to you that when I had examined what happened in 3rd grade, that the belief underneath it may be "I'm unlovable", or "It's wrong for me to be loved" but I don't really fully connect with that - it's not worded right. Once I'm in a relationship, or in a friendship, then I don't think I have a problem with that. It's just before it...so I didn't really want to post something I wasn't 100% sure of in this thread.

These limiting beliefs are so ironic -- they really color every aspect of your life, including their own unconcealment!

Yeah, it's crazy . I feel like going on a mission - a mission to find every single damn limiting belief within me and blowing it out of the sky

You are a tiger in this, seeker -- you are unstoppable and bold and inspiring. So much gusto and courage and diligence you have

Thanks for the kind words.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Ecce Homo

Wonderful Seeker! Thank you for having the guts to share your journey here. I believe your post will be encouraging to many of us who have similar struggles. Your perseverance and your courage are truly an inspiration!

Thanks Ecce Homo

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Big hug, seeker. You're a strong guy. Thank you for sharing this with us.

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by Angela

So much gusto and courage and diligence you have -- I want to be just like you.

Me too!!

I'm continuing on in my campaign to root out and rule out "I'm worthless" in my life, and Angela is right, there are more, always more, limiting beliefs that pop up. One thing that I have found to be so useful is the phrase, "How is my belief effecting other people in my life". Since part of my life's mission is to "radiate happiness and love" to the people I care about (to start with), it has been very useful for me to remind myself that I am not only hurting myself by my limiting beliefs, but I am hurting others as well.

Thank you so much for posting this for us to share Seeker. One of my beliefs is "I'd be better off alone", and by opening your heart to us, you have helped me to further realize how truly interconnected we really all are.

With love,

[The Cloud]

It really is nice knowing what's wrong, isn't it? Angela really has a good grasp of what people believe.

[ZHereford]

Hi seeker5,

Different strategies work for different folk, however, I have found it more efficient to adopt 'new productive beliefs' rather than try to dig up old self-defeating beliefs and ponder why I subscribe to them. Again, if this works for you then do so, but you might save more time if you choose to construct a belief system worthy of your focus and energies.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

Hi seeker5,

Different strategies work for different folk, however, I have found it more efficient to adopt 'new productive beliefs' rather than try to dig up old self-defeating beliefs and ponder why I subscribe to them. Again, if this works for you then do so, but you might save more time if you choose to construct a belief system worthy of your focus and energies.

I used to believe that too. This was pretty new to me, going back to what beliefs and events from my childhood and my teenage years that impact me today. I definetely didn't enjoy going into the past like that.

But after 16 years of consciously adding surface beliefs and after surface beliefs about people and relationships on top of these deep core inner beliefs about myself, it hasn't worked out anywhere as well as I'd like it to. Because this deep inner core belief, when triggered, would over-ride just about everything I'd try installing on top of it.

So, time to change strategy and try this one out.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by seeker5

But after 16 years of consciously adding surface beliefs and after surface beliefs about people and relationships on top of this deep core inner beliefs, it hasn't worked out anywhere as well as I'd like it to. Because this deep inner core belief would over-ride just about everything I'd try installing on top of it. So, time to change strategy and try this one out.

I think the operative and very revealing word here is 'surface.' Your core beliefs stayed the same which is why nothing changed.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

I think the operative and very revealing word here is 'surface.' Your core beliefs stayed the same which is why nothing changed.

Yeah, and this process I'm going through with Angela has helped me uncover what those core beliefs were so I can change it.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

I have found it more efficient to adopt 'new productive beliefs' rather than try to dig up old self-defeating beliefs and ponder why I subscribe to them.

Angela's method is not about digging up old self-defeating beliefs and pondering why we subscribe to them. Identifying the belief and remembering when we made this decision for the first time is just a tiny first step, and it's not so much about asking why we decided it, but more about feeling it again like the first time we felt it.

The biggest part of the process however is to examine how this belief impacts our life now, and then how our life would be without it. Based on this, a new, empowering belief is formed.

The point in going through all this emotional process is that the new belief is not arbitrarily chosen from an intellectual viewpoint, it's more the natural result of an emotional breakthrough. And this makes it much, much more powerful.

For instance, when I worked on "I'm trapped" I was very impressed to realize what an impact this belief had on other people in my life. That, plus feeling "I'm trapped" deep down in my blood, produced an tremendous effect on me - yes, not exactly pleasant, but damn powerful! Then when Angela asked me what would be possible in my life without the belief that "I'm trapped", and when we looked at what I said, I realized that it all boiled down to "harmony".

Had I chosen a new belief without doing all this work around "I'm trapped", I'd have decided something like "I'm free", because it sounds logical, when you feel trapped, to adopt the new belief that you're free. But "I'm harmony" was soooo much more spot-on for me. And it meant so much more to me than "I'm free" because I had gone through the emotional process.

This method is much more powerful than a psychological analysis of my beliefs and why I have them. You cannot compare those two approaches.

Seeker, I'm happy for you. It's normal now to be confronted to "I'm deficient" everywhere. I was feeling trapped all the time too, even by Angela's questions. You're brave! You're great and bold, just hang in there, I believe in you.

[ZHereford]

Hey seeker5 and Rose,

After re-reading what I wrote, I realized it sounds a bit 'snooty'. My apologies!

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that in my case, (I understand different strategies work for different people) I found it more productive to come up with what I choose to believe about myself and what I'm capable of and implement it, rather than let any past mis-guided beliefs, whatever they were or where they came from, stop me. I think I saved myself a lot of time and energy. I understand that not everyone benefits from this method.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

Hey seeker5 and Rose,

After re-reading what I wrote, I realized it sounds a bit 'snooty'. My apologies!

No Problem .

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

One thing that I have found to be so useful is the phrase, "How is my belief effecting other people in my life". Since part of my life's mission is to "radiate happiness and love" to the people I care about (to start with), it has been very useful for me to remind myself that I am not only hurting myself by my limiting beliefs, but I am hurting others as well.

One thing that blew me out of the water was how the thing *I* was most afraid of, the limiting belief that I had, is what I kept recreating and recreating in the lives of those close to me. If I believe "I'm not here", I believe my presence doesn't matter, so I go away easily, or I'll act as if I'm invisible, as if my actions didn't have consequences. In doing that, I'm creating "I'm not here" for whomever I'm interacting with. "Wow - she totally seemed not to hear what I was saying! I'm not having an impact. I'm not here!" Not that clear and concise, but you get what I mean.

If I'm believing "I'm all alone", I won't reach out to others... leaving them thinking, "I'm all alone" where I'm concerned.

It's crazy!! I never saw that before the work I did with Angela.

Seeker, I am so proud of you for stepping up and doing this! It's deep work, and not easy. I know others are benefiting from your sharing it, as well. You are here, and you're not alone!

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by carenkh

One thing that blew me out of the water was how the thing *I* was most afraid of, the limiting belief that I had, is what I kept recreating and recreating in the lives of those close to me.

Yeah, I saw that yesterday when I had the phone call with Angela. We found I had a limiting belief that said I was "stupid and hurtful toward others" in certain situations, or in my translation of the French word "con", at least as I learned it as a kid. I seem to have another belief that it's wrong for me to express love or interest in someone else unless they already are my romantic partner or very close friend, though I've been able to overcome that at times in some circumstances.

Anyway, at one point in the phone conversation, Angela mentioned how much she cared for me and may have used the word "love", and I recoiled at that, I instantly got very cold and very closed off. Thus, she momentarily felt "con" - stupid and hurtful for having said what she said, and it was funny (afterward) to analyze that how I reacted in a way that made her feel the way I feel. We looked at my other limiting beliefs and how I was helping people around me feel those limiting beliefs themselves due to my action caused by my limiting beliefs.

We realized too that I also did that in this very thread, in my response to Angela's first post. I initially had posted something snarky when she wrote "I want to be just like you", because I reacted the same way - closing off like I did in the phone conversation, thus helping her feel momentarily feel the same way I felt about myself.

[Angela]

Seeker, do you think it's possible that in addition to "Je suis con", in that incident with being laughed at for having loving feelings toward that little girl, perhaps you made up your mind about love? Do you think maybe you decided that "Love is embarassing" or shameful, or something else like that that leaves you protecting yourself from being laughed at again? Since it's just that initial part that's hard for you, like with the little girl, and you are okay with loving feelings one you are esconced in a relationship -- maybe there is something there.

Just a thought.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Angela

Seeker, do you think it's possible that in addition to "Je suis con", in that incident with being laughed at for having loving feelings toward that little girl, perhaps you made up your mind about love?

The way I saw it back then, my mother and sister didn't really laugh at me because of my feelings for the girl but they laughed because I believed this girl liked me and they also laughed because I thought it would be normal for me and her to be romantically involved. To me that's a big difference from being laughed for having loving feelings - I was more laughed at because I thought someone else had loving feeling for me.

I definitely tend not to like it when others (other then a girl I'm deeply involved in a romantic relationship) express loving feelings toward me, when they express they care for me as a person, I do get all cold and defensive inside especially if it catches me off-guard and I didn't know it's coming. I guess I get so scared I might believe them and then I'd get hugely embarrassed and hurt for again for having believed them.

Do you think maybe you decided that "Love is embarrassing" or shameful, or something else like that that leaves you protecting yourself from being laughed at again? Since it's just that initial part that's hard for you, like with the little girl, and you are okay with loving feelings one you are esconced in a relationship -- maybe there is something there.

I've thought about this for a few hours, and I find I do resonate with the belief that "Love is stupid" and "Love is dangerous".......!!! (edit: It's funny I never would have thought I had those beliefs. Over the years, I've being careful and diligent on choosing very constructive and positive beliefs about love that I thought would be the most beneficial and work out best in a relationship and friendship, however I never realized I had those two beliefs about love leftover from when I was a kid)

I feel I'm good at receiving compliments when people compliment me on what I've done for example, complimenting me on a speech I've given, or complimenting me on my leade