And I believe I'm Deficient

[Rose of Cairo]

Wonderful Congratulations!

[seeker5]

There are so many things in my mind about the coaching conversation with Angela earlier today. I wished I had realized we were both on Skype so I could have recorded the call as I feel like replaying it and re-listening to it. I realized so many things.

During the call, we went over the impact that my belief ("Believing that I am loved is stupid and dangerous) created, and that's basically a state of being only half-alive, or more so-dead. I close off a whole world with that belief, a whole world of joy, and amazement.

So while I feel I've made a lot of progress, from the phone call and what I went through at wal-mart tonight with those two girls, this is only the beginning. I feel I have so much more progress to make, and this is so incredibly important to me. I feel I have progress to make also both in truly being with the impact of that negative belief, and also progress to make in truly feeling this alternate state of being inspired by being in state of wow and free-flowing or whatever other state I can find to inspire me. I am determined that I will reach the level where it'll be easy for me to accept 100% anytime someone expresses their loves or caring for me, where I'll really be in a state of free-flowing and "wow" at will and at ease and overcome all the problems I mentioned in my opening thread.

So, part of what I'll do is continue to dig deeper and really be with the impact that this negative belief creates. That way, it connects me with the true cost of this belief. That in turn will drive me to seek this state of being of inspiration that inspires me to overcome that negative belief.

[seeker5]

I finally understand something Steve wrote a while ago in some thread. Maybe 4-5 months ago during the "Brand Yourself" posts. To paraphrase my memory, he said something about Angela being about love, being full of pure love. I didn't understand that when he said it, I was like hmmm, how interesting, but I couldn't see it, I couldn't feel that. Now I see it, now I understand it and I can feel a glimpse of it. The love she displayed on the phone was so much, and even though I could barely accept it until the end when I could only accept a fraction part of it, I know now how much there was and I understand now what Steve meant.

I'm also now wondering what does it mean for someone to care for me, to love me, outside of an established romantic relationship. I've thought long and hard, and have consciously placed a number of beliefs about love in a romantic relationships that I felt would help the relationship to the best. For example - one belief with romantic love I've adopted, is that when a woman tells me she loves me (in the romantic sense), it does not impose any expectation on her to do anything in the future or present for me. That she does not owe me anything, not now, and not in the future. That belief runs contrary to the belief of love in my family, so I had to manually adopt that belief a good number of years ago. Once I adopted that belief however, it released me from a lot of negative consequences, and I think helped create a more free-flowing state of being in a relationship. So now with accepting love and caring from non-romantic relationships, or pre-romantic relationships, I find myself wondering what meanings to attach to it. Maybe I can just transfer those beliefs I have about romantic love over to non-romantic love.

Hmmmm, I feel like going and asking people to love me and express their love and care for me so I can practice accepting it and being in the inspiring state of "wow" and free-flowing.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Wonderful Congratulations!

Thanks Rose.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by seeker5

So now with accepting love and caring from non-romantic relationships, or pre-romantic relationships, I find myself wondering what meanings to attach to it.

What about post-romantic relationships? I love you

I don't understand your question about the meaning of it. What meaning could it have? It has no meaning, it's just that they love you and care about you. I don't understand what there is to understand.

I remember now, after our breakup I once said that I love you and you answered "what do you mean?" I was like, "er... "

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by seeker5

The phone call, (poor Angela) was hard for her because I wasn't connecting to her at all. I didn't realize I was doing that, but I was, and I was initially flabbergasted to think she expected me to connect with her. In a way I've lived so long avoiding connections like that with people, connections of the heart with people that I was so used I didn't notice it. I had a very hard time during the phone call opening up and letting any connections out, it felt like there was this block and I didn't know how to let it open.

I haven't yet written about a follow-up call Angela and I had, but during that call, I got in touch with a longheld belief I carry: connection = pain. I just got a small glimpse of it - I wasn't ready yet to feel that pain on a conscious level! But just that glimpse explains so much. I wonder if, deeper down, you have the same belief? I think lots and lots of people do.

Stephan, I do love you very much! I have felt very close to you since our phone conversation. I'm glad to have met you here.

[Gene]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Had the phone call with Angela today (well, technically yesterday ).



So tonight, I was going around Wal-Mart at around midnight practicing feeling that state. I didn't intend to talk to anyone, I just wanted to practice being in the state of awe and free-flowing. What happened is I ended having a very fascinating, fun, free-flowing conversation with two wal-mart employees, two girls a little younger then me, girls I had never met before nor ever seen around. I'm not one to talk to strangers, I've rarely done so. Yet what happened here is I had the most amazing, the most fun, the most "wow" conversation I've had with "strangers" ever - but they didn't feel like strangers at all. We ended talking for a good 10-15 minutes, maybe even 20 minutes about so many things. By the end, I felt like they were long time good friends and I was like "wow".

Hi Seeker,

What wonderful experiences you relate as a result of your work with Angela and your own courageous desire!

I was reading of your trip to Wal-Mart and was thinking of a similar exercise I sometimes do and recommend others to do there and at similar places. I sit and watch people and when I notice someone at first a label such as fat, thin, old, pretty, etc. may come to my thoughts and then I look closely and say, "beautiful spirit" and continue really looking at people and saying, "beautiful spirit" as I look at all of the people without exception. After doing this for a period of time I always feel connected to the people there, to the universe and to my true inner self, my ego created barriers have vanished like the fantasies they were. When I do the exercise I mentioned I often find myself having real and long conversations with people as you mention.

It is wonderful to connect in such an intimate and loving way as you did at wal-mart and in this forum, your journey brings love to my awareness, thank you.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, seeker. I love you.

Awesome work you've done here!

[StellaBlue]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Hmmmm, I feel like going and asking people to love me and express their love and care for me so I can practice accepting it and being in the inspiring state of "wow" and free-flowing.

No need to ask, seeker. I feel love and care for you! You are a beautiful, determined, interesting, and caring person. This is the first time I have read this thread and you are doing so amazing!

In a way I've lived so long avoiding connections like that with people, connections of the heart with people that I was so used I didn't notice it.

How interesting in light of what we have spoken about! Not a coincidence!

[seeker5]

Hi Rose, Caren, StellaBlue, Aspiring,

Thanks for the expression of caring and love . It was a wonderful opportunity to pratice being in the state of free flow and awe Love you guys too.

Originally Posted by Gene

I was reading of your trip to Wal-Mart and was thinking of a similar exercise I sometimes do and recommend others to do there and at similar places. I sit and watch people and when I notice someone at first a label such as fat, thin, old, pretty, etc. may come to my thoughts and then I look closely and say, "beautiful spirit" and continue really looking at people and saying, "beautiful spirit" as I look at all of the people without exception. After doing this for a period of time I always feel connected to the people there, to the universe and to my true inner self, my ego created barriers have vanished like the fantasies they were. When I do the exercise I mentioned I often find myself having real and long conversations with people as you mention.

Nice! Thanks for sharing that

I received quite a long message from someone I've known a while who is very alarmed by the method Angela used on the phone call. So I just did some massive edit of some of my posts to take out the details of what happened during the phone call. I'd rather not be exposed to more fears from others about this method while I go through this. Maybe later once I've finished going through this process I can put the details back up.

[Angela]

**** a duck!!!!! I just felt the biggest, longest earthquake EVER!!! I was just typing a response when BOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!! My apartment went rolllllllling and careening and I am still kinda shaky!!! Ai chihuahua. Usually earthquakes are kinda fun, but this one was --- WHOA!

Lots of LOVE!
Angela

[seeker5]

Wow! Hope all is ok!

[Angela]

Yeah, phew, everything is okay. It was a 5.8 magnitude, just a few miles away. I think it might have felt so strong because we're on sand here. It went on for a long time! Whoa. I'm a local Californian and I've felt a lot of quakes, but that one takes the cake.

I'm sorry to go off-topic --- and I'm so happy for your recent shaking up!

{{waiting for my heart rate to go back to normal}}

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Angela

Yeah, phew, everything is okay. It was a 5.8 magnitude, just a few miles away. I think it might have felt so strong because we're on sand here. It went on for a long time! Whoa. I'm a local Californian and I've felt a lot of quakes, but that one takes the cake.

ah good

I'm sorry to go off-topic --- and I'm so happy for your recent shaking up!

s'ok! Thanks

[Rose of Cairo]

What?! Someone is scared of something so you censor your posts?!

Let them deal with their fear, it's their business and their responsibility, not yours.

Why do you prefer not to be exposed to them? What do their fears have to do with you?

[Gene]

Originally Posted by Angela

Yeah, phew, everything is okay. It was a 5.8 magnitude, just a few miles away. I think it might have felt so strong because we're on sand here. It went on for a long time! Whoa. I'm a local Californian and I've felt a lot of quakes, but that one takes the cake.

I'm sorry to go off-topic --- and I'm so happy for your recent shaking up!

{{waiting for my heart rate to go back to normal}}

I'm glad you are OK!

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

What?! Someone is scared of something so you censor your posts?!

Let them deal with their fear, it's their business and their responsibility, not yours.

Why do you prefer not to be exposed to them? What do their fears have to do with you?

Hehe you Warrior Queen I felt you might respond something like this.

I just feel it's the right thing for now, to have removed what actually took place during the phone call. It doesn't change the basic truths of what I'm saying about myself and what I'm learning and doing. I left all of that in.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by seeker5

I just feel it's the right thing for now, to have removed what actually took place during the phone call. It doesn't change the basic truths of what I'm saying about myself and what I'm learning and doing. I left all of that in.

I didn't like this answer I wrote after I walked away, something was missing. It was like there was something more, but it just wasn't coming out.

It just dawned on me what it was. Before I started this thread, I faced a huge amount of fears. So many, that I waited a whole week between the time I wrote the original Post and the time I actually started the thread. What I did right before I finally was able to start the thread was to journal about it, and one thing I journaled was about all the fears I faced in starting this thread. Fears of being able to continue to be comfortable posting on this forum despite this thread, fears of what if someone in real life found out I am seeker5 and thus read about this, fears that posting this publicly might hinder my ability what had been up to that time a private coaching session with Angela, and other fears - it was a bunch! I listed them all, and I worked on transcending those fears so that they would no longer bother me.

So since I started this thread, I've felt at complete peace with it and felt comfortable with it.

However, one thing I had not feared, one thing I had not anticipated possibly happening was that someone would seriously raise the alarm on Angela's method and thus on Angela herself. I was caught off-guard by this, and I was completely not ready to deal with that. Furthermore, today, I had some very important things going on that I absolutely needed to fully be able to focus all of my mental and emotional energy in, in addition to working on being in the state of awe and free-flowing. I felt I wouldn't have been able to do that if I felt the fear of additional others rasing fear on Angela's method. I also didn't feel I had the time to work through my fears concerning it, so hence...I took the cheap and quick way out by editing the phone call stuff out so I wouldn't have to deal with it.

Hmmmm.

[pianoperformer]

Argh, you should really not care what others think. I can't imagine what someone might be alarmed about?!

that said, I'm so glad you are making progress. You inspired me to look at some things I need to work through myself, and I'm working with Angela now as well.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

Argh, you should really not care what others think. I can't imagine what someone might be alarmed about?!

That's true, I shouldn't.

that said, I'm so glad you are making progress. You inspired me to look at some things I need to work through myself, and I'm working with Angela now as well.

Oh cool!

That was one of my main purpose for starting this thread to perhaps help others notice something in them just like I started noticing from reading Caren's thread!

[pianoperformer]

Cool. And now I've started my own. I had a lot of resistance to it, though, like, thinking no one will care. But I did it anyway. It's good to get it all out.

Good luck with your own progress.