Fear of intimacy

[garentee]

This is one of my core issues that I really need to deal with. Anyone have any ideas on how to start? I would love to hear your stories. Thanks so much G

[alexb5784]

I can understand how you feel because I'm going through the same thing. There is someone special that I'd really like to connect with, but I'm afraid to really show my true self. I suppose that you and I could be afraid of getting hurt or being rejected. I know that's my case.

I guess for me, I'm afraid to become closer to another person because they will get to know me very well and be able to understand my weaknesses. Most people see me as well put together, but sometimes I fall apart inside. I don't want people to see me as weak, so I often "play strong".

When you meet that special person, you will be inclined to stay away from them out of fear, but soon one day you will decide to be honest with yourself and you'll let them in.

But then again if you're talking about being afraid to be naked with someone and have sex...well I don't have that problem so I can't help you there

[Alison Jenkins]

This is a very common thing and where you start all depends upon your current situation and how far you have gone to avoid intimacy. If you are currently in a relationship then you can begin by gradually opening up to your partner. If you are avoiding all relationships then you could begin by exploring what it is you are frightened of.

Alison

[alexb5784]

Perhaps meeting a someone who encourages you to be your authentic self is a good sign. But if you meet someone who makes you want to hide behind a protective wall and "fake it", then they're not the right person for you.

Have you meet someone that has you thinking about intimacy?

[garentee]

OK
Now that I have a bit of time to divulge further...My issue stems from losing my mother at age ten. I am subconsciously afraid of letting myself love. I have come a very long way though. I have met a lot of women who have inspired me to get at the deeper issues that I feel. Most significant are 2 women who have touched me in ways that until recently were unimaginable. I have risen to the occasion in some ways. One of which is a long distance thing and she is in the middle of some crazy stuff herself. The other one is a much more intense situation due to several other factors.. I do not want to get into those here right now, but they are significant and have some pretty long reaching effects...I have been on this path of self discovery for quite sometime and I have realized that I am getting to the core of a lot of issues. I am hungry for a good high quality relationship. I want to share my deepest fears and strengths with someone.. I want to give.. I just have a major stumbling block. FEAR. It causes me to sabotage and or play games and disenchant the object of my desires. I want to stop it now. I have done counseling before, and it is really good, but as a friend of mine said today that counseling is good so that yo understand things in an intellectual manner, but it is so flat and not done from love.... which is one thing that keeps me from going back....
I should say that my problem is not physical intimacy not in the least... I want to go there but my emotions and fears kick in. I have had a five year relationship which was good... but we never got to the levels of intimacy that I want to get to. I also come from a family that is almost phobic of emotions.... I know this is a very sticky one and all but I also have ultimate faith in my ability to overcome this.. I have come this far (which is very very very very very far)it would seem a waste of all that time if I could not do this. I am doing it, but need some further insights here... Thanks G

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by garentee

.... I am subconsciously afraid of letting myself love. I have come a very long way though.

Hi garentee,

Fear of anything can be overcome. The first step, which you have already taken, is being able to admit to yourself what you fear.

Secondly, be patient and understand that it will take time. Many people fear intimacy because it puts them in a vulnerable position and one of potential rejection. Losing your mother at age 10 would certainly heighten those feelings. Learn to let go and reveal a little bit of yourself each time you're with someone. We all know no one is perfect and that we all possess human frailties.

All the best to you!

[The Cloud]

It's not your fault for feeling alone. Your mother left you at a young age, and it's not your fault. There's nothing wrong with you. You can let go of the pain, if you want to. It's not yours, not if you don't want it. Let go.

[garentee]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

It's not your fault for feeling alone. Your mother left you at a young age, and it's not your fault. There's nothing wrong with you. You can let go of the pain, if you want to. It's not yours, not if you don't want it. Let go.

Thanks. I am trying to do that and have some good success with it, but it always helps me to hear (or read) someone say that. Thanks G

[Alison Jenkins]

It seems that you are dealing with "abandonment" issues. Have you had professional help to look at this?

Alison

[Swannie]

Okay, I need to write a decent reply to this... but it will basically say, councilling is the way to go. It doesn't just help on an "intellectual level", and you cannot go into a relationship wanting to get councilling out of it.

[Swannie]

counseling is good so that yo understand things in an intellectual manner, but it is so flat and not done from love.... which is one thing that keeps me from going back

If you really believe that the counselling you received was not done from love, find a better counsellor. Better may be the wrong word objectively, but I mean better for you. Your counsellor or psychiatrist is your partner in working through these issues. You need to trust them, or they need to build your trust in them. I've not been to a "professional", so I have to go on accounts I have read and the little friends have told me.

The fact that you feel you are "hungry for a good high quality relationship" is slightly unsettling. I do understand the value of such a relationship, it is so liberating, and can fill you with much strength to face issues. But looking for the person that can help you deal with those issues... as it appears to me from your description of the two important women in your recent life... is unfair on the other person. You can not go into a relationship with the intention, however it is framed, of using it to deal with issues.

Even with the purest of intentions, there is only so much an untrained person can do to help with deep issues. When a counsellor/"shrink" sees you are in pain, they are trained to deal with it. When your S.O. sees you in pain, they will feel it too. When the professional wants to ask a colleague for advice on your case, they can do so with anonymity, detachment and a shared understanding. When you partner finds your issues too much, they have no easy place to turn without the likely feeling they are breaking some level of trust with you.

So in short, a quality relationship is an amazing thing. But don't use it to work through your issues. Gain strength from it, from the love and understanding, but do the work elsewhere.

[garentee]

Originally Posted by Swannie

If you really believe that the counselling you received was not done from love, find a better counsellor. Better may be the wrong word objectively, but I mean better for you. Your counsellor or psychiatrist is your partner in working through these issues. You need to trust them, or they need to build your trust in them. I've not been to a "professional", so I have to go on accounts I have read and the little friends have told me.

The fact that you feel you are "hungry for a good high quality relationship" is slightly unsettling. I do understand the value of such a relationship, it is so liberating, and can fill you with much strength to face issues. But looking for the person that can help you deal with those issues... as it appears to me from your description of the two important women in your recent life... is unfair on the other person. You can not go into a relationship with the intention, however it is framed, of using it to deal with issues.

Even with the purest of intentions, there is only so much an untrained person can do to help with deep issues. When a counsellor/"shrink" sees you are in pain, they are trained to deal with it. When your S.O. sees you in pain, they will feel it too. When the professional wants to ask a colleague for advice on your case, they can do so with anonymity, detachment and a shared understanding. When you partner finds your issues too much, they have no easy place to turn without the likely feeling they are breaking some level of trust with you.

So in short, a quality relationship is an amazing thing. But don't use it to work through your issues. Gain strength from it, from the love and understanding, but do the work elsewhere.

I guess as usual I need to clarify. I have only the most positive experiences with my shrink. He was really really effective. BUT.... I have been finding that the wounds heal a lot more when I have been using the tools that I have picked up from many many places especially from him in a real context. The advice that you get from a psychologist is great and gives the tools that you need(in my experience)to move forward. Both of the women who I mentioned above have helped me in ways that a psychologist could not because it involved my heart. I help them as well and the love we share is real. We cannot move to where we want to be for various reasons, but we do have very serious emotional exchanges that heal both parties. I have to say that during the past four months my experiences with them has shown me that I am capable of having a relationship and I DO have very good relationships with each of these women. I am in the middle of it pretty heavily right now with one of them and the realizations that I have had since I posted originally have been stunning. the growth I have experienced this week alone is huge. Even since I post3ed here yesterday morning.There have been a lot of tears and a lot of joy and a lot of pain but at the end of it I feel like this fear is starting to crumble like so many others have in the past few months never mind the past five years or so. Every time I think I want to go back to see my psychologist, I do the hard work using the tools at my disposal and I transcend old barriers that have previously held me back. The drive I have to make this reality is extreme and there is nothing that will hold me back from getting to the bottom of these issues. This is harder than anything I have done previously... But so far it has not stopped me. I am certainly not saying that in the future I will not go back in to my psych, nor am I suggesting that he was ineffective and I apologize if it seems as though that was what I was saying. thanks for your words. G

[garentee]

Originally Posted by Alison Jenkins

It seems that you are dealing with "abandonment" issues. Have you had professional help to look at this?

Alison

I absolutely KNOW that abandonment is one of my main issues. Have not really gone deeply into it yet, but am heading that way. Not sure how I am going to go there, Like my post above stated I have a lot of tools that help me along every time I think I need to go back to my psychologist. I do however realize that this one is the grandaddy of em all. I am not afraid to face my fears, oor feel the pain.. I embrace the pain and am making friends with it so I can release it and heal. It takes time, but I am motivated. Thanks G

[garentee]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

Hi garentee,

Fear of anything can be overcome. The first step, which you have already taken, is being able to admit to yourself what you fear.

Secondly, be patient and understand that it will take time. Many people fear intimacy because it puts them in a vulnerable position and one of potential rejection. Losing your mother at age 10 would certainly heighten those feelings. Learn to let go and reveal a little bit of yourself each time you're with someone. We all know no one is perfect and that we all possess human frailties.

All the best to you!

thanks for your words... I feel stronger each day and know that I will get through this. G

[NightSpirit]

That thing you are talking about in relationships, where you kind of see yourself through someone else's eyes or you get another perspective from someone on your life and innermost thoughts....well sometimes it comes from the simple novelty of the relationship and doesn't always last. And if it does last, sometimes it gets annoying that someone knows you so well and keeps pointing out ways you can improve or always sees right through you.

You could marry a counselor but you might be like Jerry Seinfeld when he couldn't get a massage from the masseuse he was dating. Seriously, maybe it's better not to expect that much from a relationship or from any other person outside yourself, really. There is real joy in discovering yourself and that doesn't have to always be shared or affirmed. Have you tried EFT to get at your core issues alone? Seems silly to tap yourself like this but it works.

Iron does sharpen iron though and we all make each other better. I think if you try, you will find that you can have micro versions of this kind of relationship with a lot of other people at the same time. All it requires is some time to talk and enough respect for each other to really listen and take what the other person is saying under serious consideration. This is possible with a sibling, cousin, best friend, parent, even co-worker or fellow smart person on the forums.

If you haven't found anyone that is that interested in hearing you out and helping you grow, you can be the one to start the process by really listening to other's answers when you ask 'How are you, today?' You will be a lot richer if you take the time to develop these type of relationships wherever you can find them.

[garentee]

I get the distinct impression that either I am not making my self all that clear, or people are taking liberties with my statements. Yes I Have a fear of intimacy. No I do not think that the salvation of this fear lies in another person. Yes I do want a deep intimate relationship. Yes I have initiated somewhat with a couple of people. Yes I understand that there may be a need for counseling. No I do not think that I need it at this time. I am responsible for my actions thoughts feelings and desires and do not and will not depend on another for my happiness. I feel as though some on this thread have missed my points and or not really read through what I have written. I know that I do need to clarify my points and I am trying to do that here.... I think mayb3e one of my fears is to appear vulnerable. I have a hard time crying in front of others.. although that barrier seems to be one of several that has disappeared this week. It is hard to tell others about my feelings but when I am comfortable I can do it. I feel kind of misunderstood in this thread.

[Angela]

I feel kind of misunderstood in this thread.

Ahhh, there's your clue, garentee. This feeling that has pushed your button, this feeling of being misunderstood? When you get bugged about something, it's worth examining the belief you hold that makes it uncomfortable for you... a belief about yourself that you are uncomfortable about because you are trying to prove it's not so and also trying to avoid having people find out. Exhausting!

At first reading your posts, I was thinking maybe your belief is as simple as "Love equals loss" -- something you may have decided when your mom left you. And that is certainly worth investigating, too, isn't it? But my feeling is that there's something else there, too, a belief that has you not free to express yourself.

Intimacy, as I see it, is knowing and being known -- seeing and being seen. You really are vulnerable if you commit to those things, because when another human sees you, she sees things you're not even aware of, and when you see her, you may see things that will trigger your old pain. No wonder it's scary! And... if you are willing to distinguish the belief you have about yourself that you've been trying to cover up and also prove is not so, just shedding light on it will remove its power over you.

Good luck, and it looks like you're on the right track to me.

[Alison Jenkins]

I myself had abandonment issues and my experience was that the fear was actually far greater than the pain of actually facing it. Sure there will be tears but it is very healing and then you can move to a place of acceptance. When you are ready you will move forward to that place in your time, not anyone else's. It all begins with self awareness and you do recognise that abandonment issues is at the heart of it all.

Alison

[Swannie]

Originally Posted by garentee

I get the distinct impression that either I am not making my self all that clear, or people are taking liberties with my statements. Yes I Have a fear of intimacy. No I do not think that the salvation of this fear lies in another person. Yes I do want a deep intimate relationship. Yes I have initiated somewhat with a couple of people. Yes I understand that there may be a need for counseling. No I do not think that I need it at this time. I am responsible for my actions thoughts feelings and desires and do not and will not depend on another for my happiness. I feel as though some on this thread have missed my points and or not really read through what I have written. I know that I do need to clarify my points and I am trying to do that here.... I think mayb3e one of my fears is to appear vulnerable. I have a hard time crying in front of others.. although that barrier seems to be one of several that has disappeared this week. It is hard to tell others about my feelings but when I am comfortable I can do it. I feel kind of misunderstood in this thread.

Hi Garentee,

I am reading everything you are writing. The nature of internet forums means you get misunderstood. Even with the people who know me best, we often end up miss-communicating on I.M.

I hear what you are saying about seeing you shrink. It sounds like they have equipped you with some valuable tools. I'm glad you don't think your "salvation" lies in another person.

It's just the way you presented your thoughts, it did suggest that to me. Here's the facts I read... You have issues you are dealing with. You have found two recent relationships with women have helped dealing with it, hugely so. These relationships cannot work. You have a strong desire to find another woman to deal with more issues with. To have intimacy with. You find yourself sabotaging these relationships and want to stop doing that.

So, I read, you feel need these relationships to move forwards, dependency. You want another one... but you don't want to screw it up this time.

I see a cycle. I'm suggesting that maybe you break the cycle for a while.

Stop looking for that high quality relationship to help with your self-mastery. Develop it with yourself, with friends male and female. I know you are on the path to doing the first one, great, it seems lots of people neglect that. Opening your issues on here is a great step towards having some high quality friendships - it's easier to write many things on the internet than say the same to the face of a friend.

[garentee]

Originally Posted by Swannie

Hi Garentee,

I am reading everything you are writing. The nature of internet forums means you get misunderstood. Even with the people who know me best, we often end up miss-communicating on I.M.

I hear what you are saying about seeing you shrink. It sounds like they have equipped you with some valuable tools. I'm glad you don't think your "salvation" lies in another person.

It's just the way you presented your thoughts, it did suggest that to me. Here's the facts I read... You have issues you are dealing with. You have found two recent relationships with women have helped dealing with it, hugely so. These relationships cannot work. You have a strong desire to find another woman to deal with more issues with. To have intimacy with. You find yourself sabotaging these relationships and want to stop doing that.

So, I read, you feel need these relationships to move forwards, dependency. You want another one... but you don't want to screw it up this time.

I see a cycle. I'm suggesting that maybe you break the cycle for a while.

Stop looking for that high quality relationship to help with your self-mastery. Develop it with yourself, with friends male and female. I know you are on the path to doing the first one, great, it seems lots of people neglect that. Opening your issues on here is a great step towards having some high quality friendships - it's easier to write many things on the internet than say the same to the face of a friend.

thanks for your words. The cycle is the thing I am trying to break.. for sure. I see it however as a cycle of women who are emotionally unavailable and and will leave me.We all follow patterns in our lives consciously and unconsciously. My pattern tends to be that I also go for women in pain because I feel like I can heal them. And most recently with the two women mentioned in this thread we have had some really high quality healing conversations. We all have shared very very painful stories and it feels so good to cry over those. I guess I want to have a relationship when I am ready.. and I am feeling more and more ready all the time... But since I started really learning patience I know that I will be in a good healthy relationship when I am healthy enough on my own. I should say that just because neither of these women are in a situation where we can be together, does not mean that the friendship is not steadily growing. I am working on all my relationships and have been sharing with many people... and will continue to do that on and off this forum which is one of the best tools I have come across in a long time. Thanks again Swannie.

[garentee]

Originally Posted by Alison Jenkins

I myself had abandonment issues and my experience was that the fear was actually far greater than the pain of actually facing it. Sure there will be tears but it is very healing and then you can move to a place of acceptance. When you are ready you will move forward to that place in your time, not anyone else's. It all begins with self awareness and you do recognise that abandonment issues is at the heart of it all.

Alison

Thanks Alison,
I have had the same experience that fear was the more painful of the emotions. I have not really delved into abandonment yet, but I am coming up on it because I know that holds a lot of my deepest fears. G