abandonment issues

[openyourize]

at the beginning of this year, I ended a 3 1/2 year relationship with my boyfriend because he was lost and depressed and a pothead and he was just bringing me down all the time. On the day I was moving out of our house, and I saw it empty and looking just like the day we moved in, I had somewhat of a breakdown and kept asking myself, "WHY did I EVER go out with him?? WHY did I stay so long?? Was I trying to punish myself??" I was never really happy with him the entire time I was with him. I never even really liked him. I loved him because I cared about him, he was cute in his own way and he was mysterious and interesting, but he actually kind of repulsed me.... I was comfortable, somehow, but not really happy.

Now I am with someone new. Someone I am crazy about and he is crazy about me. We are the happiest dorks together. It is wonderful. After 5 months of being together, the newness of it is beginning to wear off and I find myself becoming more and more needy and clingy, just like I used to be with my boyfriends when I was much younger. I am also feeling very jealous and posessive, and I feel MISERABLE when I have to be away from him for any length of time. I had thought years ago that I was over this kind of obsessive behavior. It was always destructive in all my relationships.

I now realize that the reason I spent so long with my ex was because I felt safe with him. I always felt like I was above him or "better" than him in some way. With him, I never had to worry about feeling insecure, because I didn't care what he thought of me. I never had to worry I was doing something wrong, cuz if something was wrong, it was SURELY because of him. of course. and i never had to worry about getting my heart broken because if he left me, oh well. theres more fish in the sea.

now i am repulsed with MYSELF knowing that i was in this relationship for so long with such a DISPICABLE underlying motive! i thought i had come so far in my self improvement work, when actually i was just hiding from it.

so, back to the drawing board.

i think this has to do with my abandonment issues. My parents are divorced, my mom left unexpectedly, and when I was a teenager one day i was given a surprise trip to military school 1000 miles away for 4 months. I consider that abandonment because my dad and stepmom gave up on me. (on a side note, i wasnt even that bad. I was a grouchy teenager, and i wasnt doing very good in school, but thats all. i wasnt doing drugs or having sex or staying out late, i just wrote poetry in my room all day. Even the military school people said they weren't sure why I was sent there and that it's probably a good thing I was away from my parents. HA!) When I was finished there, they didn't want me to come back, neither did my mom. they had a hard time figuring out where to put me. people fought about NOT taking me. SOO i consider this abandonment issues. And it appears to still be affecting me and I am deathly afraid I am going to sabotage my new wonderful relationship.

anyone have any tips on dealing with these issues?

[25AndJustBeginning]

Take this w/ a grain of salt because I am by no means a relationship expert. In fact, I think you gave me advice on something recently. Anyway, as someone who does this as well, don't beat yourself up about this- don't be "repulsed" by your past actions. You did the best you could at the time. Just don't look at it so negatively, that you're a bad person in any way. Be positive and focus on the possibilities that this new knowledge opens up. Good luck and give yourself the benefit of the doubt in your new relationship.

[openyourize]

thanks 25. thats very helpful already. makes me feel better.

anyone else have some tips?

[garentee]

I may not have tips, but I do know that abandonment is an EXTREMELY sticky emotion to deal with. I lost my mom at ten and my dad was very barely there, so I have a real clear view of abandonment. The only thing that I know how to do with this is to strive to not be a person that abandons someone. Its really hard due to the nature of my parental role model that was my father. I also realize that he did the best he could with what he had... but he was truly incapable of doing any better. For a long time I was angry at my mom for abandoning me, until a really good friend of mine told me that she did not die on purpose and did not want to leave me AT ALL. Of course since the emotion occurred when I was ten I did not understand that and I held onto that anger for 31 years. I have recently come to terms with that and it feels much better. I still as recently as a few hours ago am dealing with the feeling of aloneness though and it is really hard to remove that feeling. I have no doubt though that I can absolutely be healed of this. Enjoy your time with your new love no matter how long it lasts.. have no regrets. Hope this sheds light for you G

[carenkh]

I'm working with Angela and her coaching method for a few underlying issues I have -- it has been very, very powerful and very, very positive. There's such a feeling of clarity and purpose that I get from our work! You can read my thread here, if you'd like - I have more to write, but it will take a little while. I may start a different thread, too, because I don't like seeing "I am worthless" every time I write on that one! You might glean some things from reading that, or, of course, working with Angela!

Like 25 said, it does no good to beat yourself up for choices you made in the past. Can you breathe nice and deep, and feel that you're OK right now? In this moment, everything is OK.

[25AndJustBeginning]

Here's another thing I thought of-

I have a tendency to say f*** it in a relationship when things get bad or when I get frustrated. Even though I've done this too much I thought I was always justified. However, I'm learning to work through things. I'm learning to get past little things in order to make the relationship work. It's hard for me to let go of things that I'm soooooooooooo (enough o's??) convinced of but I'm motivated to do it. I'm motivated by something better- a lasting relationship.

Again, I have a tendency to want to run away when things get tough but I'm beginning to fight it and I'm glad I am. It's also a struggle for me to truly open up to somebody and make myself vulnerable. However, I'm learning that taking the risk is worth it. My mind seems to always want to counter this closeness by thinking of reasons to not let myself get close to her, though. But again, it's a constant struggle and some times I've just had enough closeness and need to get away so I'm learning to be patient w/ myself when I recognize it rather than beating myself by thinking I'm a failure for not maintaining that state... well, permanently, I guess.

My advice - and I'm trying to institute this in myself currently as well - is to forget all that would cause you to run and love. Let yourself love and experience it as well because you deserve to enjoy that feeling.

However, let me also say that you shouldn't be naive in your forgetting either. I guess it's a balancing act that's up to you.

Hope this helps.

[25AndJustBeginning]

Keep us update, will ya?

[The Cloud]

Tell your boyfriend about your feelings, and ask him to remind you every time he thinks that you are acting out of desperate need. And then don't freak out when he does . This may be difficult for you to accept, but it's possible that many behaviors that you consider to be appropriate and rational are actually illogical and harmful. I know how pervasive issues like this can be, how they can twist what's right until you don't even know what's wrong. So keep this in mind if your BF tells you that you are being unreasonable. Don't accept what he says without question, but don't dismiss it out of hand either.

[Poiesis Hagakure]

sharing our weak moments with people can help make a relationship better, tender-er. i think a problem i've had is that i've felt worse to tell someone, i might be thinking irrationally but tell me this so i realize it in the moment. it shouldn't be that bad to say but for some reason i can feel loathe to do so. In talking with them about it, the thought process is easier to confront, for myself. buena suerte, bonne chance, bol cans, good luck.

[openyourize]

ha! i even refrain from updating because i feel like im being too clingy to the thread! sheesh. right now is hard because i am working out of town for a week. every minute that goes by where i dont hear from him, i freak out. i know in my head that all this stuff is irrational but my feelings still feel it. i dont like feeling these ways, but at least i know when its real and when its not. at least i think i do. i usually know my clinginess and neediness is only my inner child screaming and throwing a fit for love and attention. the feeling is still there though, and it sucks. i understand why it happens, it just still happens. like a scar on your face that you got in a horrible wreck long ago. sometimes you see it and it hurts so bad, the reminder of the memory. other times you dont even notice it. other times you notice and its no big deal. its probably triggered by the wave of my self esteem being at lower points. it is in general at a good healthy level i would think. sometimes its even sky high to the point of arrogance, and sometimes it goes back down, sometimes pretty low. i havent gotten way too low in a long time though. so i got that going for me.

sorry, i blab a lot when i write....

i do know i should talk to him. but for me, bringing up anything in my relationship is scary as hell. this might be part of my other "issue" with communication. when i was between the ages of 10 and 15, i had an almost daily lecture from my dad for hours about what i need to do to improve my life and how i need to change and all that good stuff. and everything i ever said was wrong, ridiculous, unacceptable, etc. so i have always had trouble communicating in my relationships. in my first REAL relationship, i found myself giving very similar lenghty degrading daily lectures to my partner. in my most recent relationship, i avoided talking about ANYTHING regarding problems of any sort. but sometimes i would explode. now i try to find a happy medium, but its scary. i still should though, at least talk to him about it, and how i feel and how i have this problem and i know i do and open myself to hearing from him that i am being that way. it helps me feel better about hearing it if i thank him for telling me. it also encourages him that its safe to tell me these things. sometimes i am tempted to ask him if i am being that way, but i am afraid that the question ITSELF is being clingy....

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by openyourize

i know in my head that all this stuff is irrational but my feelings still feel it. i dont like feeling these ways, but at least i know when its real and when its not. at least i think i do. i usually know my clinginess and neediness is only my inner child screaming and throwing a fit for love and attention. the feeling is still there though, and it sucks.

Ignoring your "inner child" is just going to make her lonely, and when she's lonely she really throws a fit. This is how you feel, there is no denying it. But what is this little girl really saying? She's not just screaming randomly, she's saying something about herself or the world that she has to live in. There are words to go along with her feelings, and you need to listen to them if you ever want to teach her any better.

[openyourize]

i think my inner child is a lot like my actual self as a child. constantly craving attention and love. my actual child didint have much of this, so was ALWAYS craving it and acting out in ways to get it. so when i feel like i am absent of this love and attention, i feel the urge to act out. however, i know and truly believe that it is not necessary to expect CONSTANT affection and attention from any given person. it is just not fair. maybe it is more fair for a child to expect it but not an adult. i have to fill the times that i am not being pampered by my significant other, or getting emails and phone calls from my friends and family, or getting tons of praise at work, with times of being in love with myself (as another cool thread is discussing).

anyway, i did talk to him after all. well i just sent him a short email explaining to him that im worried i am being too clingy and please tell me if i am because it will help me gauge if how i am acting and feeling is legitimate. he told me not to worry, that i dont seem too clingy but i need to relax and trust that he loves me.

i do know that my feelings are real and i own them. i listen to my feelings very carefully to find out what is really going on with me. i do, however, also know that feelings are sometimes a reaction to something that a current situation simply REMINDS me of, and not necessarily the situation at hand. emotions also cause me to act in a certain way and make certain decisions, so i want to be sure that if i am going to listen to my emotions, and decide on my actions based on they, they are a direct reaction to what is actually happening, not just what i am being reminded of.

like in the movies when the broken-hearted dude looks at the happy couples surrounding him and it makes him sad. seeing happy couples isnt a sad thing, its a happy thing! but he is sad because he is reminded ot being a part of a happy couple and now missing that feeling.