Homework Letter for my therapy

[Chado2423]

Here is a letter than I am working on for my next therapy session. I would appreciate any advice about this letter before I hand it over to my therapist.

For Therapy

How can I explain what I am going through to those who have no idea what is like to be the way I am? I am depressed, but...
There is more to the story than just depression. If it were a mild case of depression I would have no complaints. I’ve been relatively mentally healthy until up about four years ago. Something strange and weird happened after my breakup with my ex. I “lost my mind” so to speak. What may not have been a traumatic event to other people, it has been a tragic event for me. People tell me to “snap out of it”, but that just doesn’t work. I wish I knew better how to explain the feelings I’ve been having to other people. Its even hard to explain it to myself, let alone my family. I’ve never been this way before. Diagnosis: Crazy? Does that count? Even if I’m not crazy it sure feels that way.
Right now my mind is so screwy that at times I don’t even know what I am thinking. And I’m perfectly normal? Not so much. When I was on suicide watch; they let me go earlier than they should have, and here is why: I faked a smile and lied about not feeling depressed and said I was no longer suicidal in my thoughts. (The truth: I was still feeling suicidal. I was still depressed. I did this just so that I might have a chance to see my ex-girlfriend who wants nothing further to do with me. See? I outsmarted the counselors, so I can’t be totally dumb.
One of the screwiest things is that I developed tics as a result of my panic disorder. And I have been this way years, even with treatment. Panic disorder is diagnosed in people who experience spontaneous, seemingly out-of-the-blue panic attacks and are preoccupied with the fear of a recurring attack. Panic attacks occur unexpectedly, sometimes even during sleep. I also have a bit of social anxiety, but’s all part of the same ball of wax. The disorder as I understand it often occurs with other mental and physical disorders, including other anxiety disorders and depression.
Tics are sudden (and I would say involuntary) movements in
body. The depression came first then the anxiety, and then the tics. Now I have all three up my sleeve. And I am at a loss as what to do or what to expect from this condition.

[uberinquisitive]

First of all - good job! You are seeking professional help. Very proud of you.

While reading the letter, I wanted to know more about how you feel about the break-up. Here are some questions I have - perhaps you can answer them and put them in your letter?

1. You mention that you ex-gf wants nothing to do with you. Was there another time/times in your life that you felt something similar? Would you describe that previous incident?

2. What did you girlfriend represent for you? Unconditional love? A stable future?

3. Why do you believe the break-up was traumatic? What sort of memories/feelings did it bring up?

I ask because, it's possible that you had the depression/anxiety/panic just ready to bust out - and the relationship break-up was the straw that broke the camel's back.

What was it about the break-up provided that final straw? What was the "hot buttons"?

You don't have to discuss this with us. It may be better to discuss this in the safe environment of therapy, especially when past memories come up.

[Lauxa]

I have a friend who went through something similar to you. Broke up with girlfriend, had a break down, checked himself into a mental institution, etc. Kept driving out to see her (several states away) even though she wanted nothing to do with him. Never noticed any tics on him, but he had to keep dropping out of his classes in college. He eventually made it through with the dubious distinction of the longest time it has taken anyone to graduate in the program, and now he has a job and is independent. He told me at one time that meditation helped a lot.

Good luck, mate, I'm sure you will come out of this all right. Time heals all wounds.

[Chado2423]

It feels like I’m looking into a mirror and I see that one half of the mirror is tainted and cracked, and the other half is crystal clear. The two sides fight over each other. My brain is an over-load.

[Bitsy]

I'm glad to see you again Chado. I had wondered where you had gone.

I was curious what the specific purpose of the letter was?

[Chado2423]

I'm supposed to write a journal, but I can't focus long enough. So I opted to write a letter. She was n't very specific on what she wanted. So I detailed my experience here as much asm possible.

[Bitsy]

I think the letter you wrote is a good start. With therapy, I think it ought to get easier to express yourself and articulate your experiences.

[Chado2423]

The waking hours are very hard for me. Never experiencing this until adulthood is very strange and exhausting. I just wish this would all go away.