Decided not to have kids

[CroMagna]

And it freed me. I wanted to have kids because I know just looking at my boyfriend and I that our kids will be gorgeous. I've always wanted a little baby girl. I now think have kids is a dumb idea for myself, logistically speaking:

I'm 25 and still live at home. I don't have a car. I live like I did when I was 15. 10 years has passed and I have basically nothing to show for myself. Not having kids has provided me with some hope.

By the time I get my life together, get a Master's, land a decent job, and get an apartment, plus lose 20 pounds, and my boyfriend gets a good job, and we are able to pay the bills, and we both have cars, we will be 35 and 40 respectively. At 35 and 40, we will be getting our first taste of actual freedom, self-ownership, and indepedence. We will be able to come and go as we please. If we want to go out to a club together, we can go out to a club together and stay out all weekend until we're tired. Then we can come home and spend time together in privacy.

He lives 300 miles away from me. We will finally be able to spend time together everyday. And we will have complete privacy for the rest of our lives.

Why ruin it by having kids as soon as we are finally together and enjoying ourselves? Kids aren't dolls, they're lifelong commitments. I'm not willing to sacrifice my future of real freedom and independence just to have something cute to look at.

Pushing kids off of my life timeline has given me a sense of peace. Now I don't feel the need to rush to decide a career, rush to get a Masters and PhD, rush to move out of the house, and rush to land a good job. I have resolved myself to the fact that my life will actually begin when I'm 35. Until then I will be reclusive and work on myself, work on my career, and work on my physical health. I could get a PhD when I'm 50, or travel when I'm 55, and it wouldn't make any difference.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

my life will actually begin when I'm 35.

Why wait?

Really, CroMagna, you're a terrible DarkWorker. A real DarkWorker would never postpone her life even for a day.

CroMagna, the things you want to be, Free, Autonomous, and Independent, are available to you RIGHT NOW, if it weren't for your commitment not to have them.

[lasti]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

my life will actually begin when I'm 35.

That's sad. But it's your decision.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I agree with Angela. Having the perfect job, life, body, boyfriend, degree is not life. Think about what feelings you think you will get from having all of those things. What is it you really want out of all of this? And then decide to BE that now. Life is too short to start it at 35, get living!

As for having kids or not, I don't think that's important. If you want to, then you can make it work. If you just don't want kids and prefer a more "free" life, by all means that's great too.

[Amanda L]

"We will be able to come and go as we please.  If we want to go out to a club together, we can go out to a club together and stay out all weekend until we're tired. "

Ah but by the time you are 35 you might not want to go out clubbing all night

i agree with aspiring_to_clarity, having kids or not is not that important, from what i observed they blend into your schedule as the need arises.

i don't think it's important to make the "kids or not" decision right now. You will change and be someone different 10 - 15 years from now and things that are priorities now will be irrelevant then.

What's important is not waiting 10 years to start your life.

Good luck with you plan

[Sam988]

Good decision. Who needs those little devils anyways! But i'm all for others having children, after all someone needs to make our race not go extinct in a generation.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Sam988

... someone needs to make our race not go extinct in a generation.

Is that true? I don't agree that anyone needs to propagate the species, or even that the species needs to be propagated. It might be a very strong preference for some people, though.

[niche]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

my life will actually begin when I'm 35

My life will actually begin when I'm 42. However for different reasons. By the time I'm 42, my youngest will be 18. I have three girls and they will all be going to college. "Because I said so." I believe college makes a girl more independent. Anyway, 42 is when my life will begin and I'm looking forward to it. Right now, I'm just trying to raise the most independent, responsible, and good natured women I can. I will never let them go through what I had to. This is a big job and though you would most likely be a good mother Cromagna (I say this because I think you would raise an emotionally well balanced child), if I were in a similar situation as you, I probably would decide not to have children too.

[Lauxa]

@niche: Unless, of course, by the time your youngest is 18 your oldest is pregnant and needs to move back in with you. How old are your girls now?

[niche]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

@niche: Unless, of course, by the time your youngest is 18 your oldest is pregnant and needs to move back in with you. How old are your girls now?

My twins are 7 and my youngest is 3. So if she decides to get pregnant and has to move back in with me, I'll take her in, no problem. But that's not going to limit me in any capacity. She will be grown enough to take care of her child and herself. If I want to go to Europe, it's not like I'm going to have to pay a babysitter. Know what I mean?

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by Angela

Why wait?

Really, CroMagna, you're a terrible DarkWorker. A real DarkWorker would never postpone her life even for a day.

CroMagna, the things you want to be, Free, Autonomous, and Independent, are available to you RIGHT NOW, if it weren't for your commitment not to have them.

How can I have freedom, autonomy, independence, financial stability and weight-loss right now? Don't these things all take time to build up to?

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I agree with Angela. Having the perfect job, life, body, boyfriend, degree is not life. Think about what feelings you think you will get from having all of those things. What is it you really want out of all of this? And then decide to BE that now. Life is too short to start it at 35, get living!

As for having kids or not, I don't think that's important. If you want to, then you can make it work. If you just don't want kids and prefer a more "free" life, by all means that's great too.

This post definitely made me think. Definitely. I will journal tonight to figure out what I really want out of these things: freedom, autonomy, independence, weight loss, financial stability. What do I really want? Maybe self-respect, or peace of mind. Maybe these other items should be supplements, not by whole reason for being.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

How can I have freedom, autonomy, independence, financial stability and weight-loss right now? Don't these things all take time to build up to?

Oh! You added a couple of things while I wasn't looking!

Yes, you can get yourself going on an upward slant and build things up a little at a time -- Steve did a really great post on that awhile back -- and you can also generate a breakthrough and have them in an instant. I do coaching in that area, and there are a lot of other resources that can have you transforming your life in an instant. Some people do it completely on their own, just using their own plain cussedness.

The one thing I've noticed it takes, except in very rare cases of spontaneous combustion, is dynamic willingness. Do you know what I mean by dynamic willingness?

[lasti]

Originally Posted by Angela

Do you know what I mean by dynamic willingness?

I'd like to know what you mean by dynamic willingness.
Do you remember how Steve's post was called?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by lasti

I'd like to know what you mean by dynamic willingness.
Do you remember how Steve's post was called?

The article is A Better Life.

Dynamic willingness is a commitment born of integrity. Dynamic willingness is not like ordinary willingness, like "I'm willing to do what it takes." Dynamic willingness eliminates any possibility other than keeping your word to yourself. It kills off the little Beast inside you that gives you excuses when you want them, or blames others, or convinces you that your solution lies outside of yourself, or procrastinates, or tells you you're too tired or you need a drink.

Dynamic willingness is an extraordinary tool that everyone has but not everyone chooses to use. But the ones who do choose to use it? Phewww, look out for those people. They are the ones who make big things happen.

[Matthew Shea]

CroMagna, you're awfully young still and such a set-in-stone plan as the one you outlined in your first post won't serve you. Things change, including both your situation in life and your mind. You should certainly pursue your goals by all means available to you, but don't write anything off yet. Relax your thinking a bit and start taking some concrete steps toward your objectives.

Why did you feel such pressure to have kids anyway? You've got at least 10-15 years left (given good health) before you really have to make that decision anyway. Let the issue go for now.

Finally, as far as personal development is concerned, kids can be a tremendous opportunity. Mine definitely has been.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

This post definitely made me think. Definitely. I will journal tonight to figure out what I really want out of these things: freedom, autonomy, independence, weight loss, financial stability. What do I really want? Maybe self-respect, or peace of mind. Maybe these other items should be supplements, not by whole reason for being.

I can't wait to see what you come up with.

Basically, the idea is that, sure you may not be able to snap your fingers and get your degree, a house, great jobs for you and your boyfriend and the perfect 10 body (whatever that is). BUT those things are not really what you want. What you really want is the freedom, the autonomy, the independence, the financial stability and weight-loss. For me, the main feeling in those is freedom. And you can generate that in this instant, right where you are. And when you do all of the "things" you want will be much easier to achieve. Knowing what you want to BE and put out in the world is more important to me than having any particular thing. All of these prerequisites to be happy...why not be happy now? Happy people have a much easier time getting what they want anyway.

[SonoranBob]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

And it freed me. I wanted to have kids because I know just looking at my boyfriend and I that our kids will be gorgeous. I've always wanted a little baby girl. I now think have kids is a dumb idea for myself, logistically speaking

I applaud you for being open to this as a valid life choice. Many people, especially women, never even consider it. Children, IMO, are highly overrated. A big investment for a very uncertain reward. People think that nurture trumps nature; 'taint so. Children can be very rewarding for the right people but they are not for everyone. The people who have the temperamental chops for it very definitely should go for it. The people who don't, shouldn't. (See the book, I'm Okay, You're a Brat for more info).

It is in my view one thing to act out romantic fantasies for yourself ... to tell yourself you want a Love for the Ages (tm), the man or woman of your dreams (tm), etc., and blunder your way through that however you wish. But with kids, there are other, innocent beings involved. You have a choice to get married or not, and it's mutual. But kids don't get a choice.

I think that too often, having children is far and away an unconscious default ... too many people do it because it's what you are "supposed" to do or just responding to a primal urge or a ticking biological clock or someone's nagging to make them into a grandparent. Kids are not sweet baby dolls for you to play house with.

There are other things to consider about having kids that most people completely don't get. For example, few things suck the romance out of a relationship like kids. They are very labor intensive and demanding and combine it with the normal daily grind of living and, well, you had best be really dedicated to get through it. I know some of you who are deeply invested in your kids will say no, they are the joy of your lives, but that is because it was a good decision for you to have them.

Personally, having kids was an unconscious default for me and had more to do with the demands of my first wife than with any real interest on my part. I got through it, and I love my kids dearly, but I regret having them in the sense that it wasn't a responsible choice for where I was in life at that time. My kids have had to overcome a rather strange childhood and they deserved better. I don't lose sleep about it; we all do the best we know how to with the light we have at any point in time. But my kids and I both paid a price, and it wasn't necessary.

Regardless of what you ultimately decide, it will be a thoughtful decision that is fully cognizant of your responsibility for the life you will be creating and nurturing -- or not. That's the main thing, and it puts you ahead of the pack.

Do what's right for you, and you'll have your needs met and you'll have an abundant overflow for things like kids. Do what convention or society or your biological clock demand and you may find yourself, and your loved ones, on the short end of the stick.

--Bob

[Angela]

Have you seen the movie, Idiocracy, Bob? It's pretty funny -- it's the future, the thoughtful people stop breeding, the thoughtless produce countless litters, and it opens with the Great Garbage Avalanche of 2505.

[SonoranBob]

Originally Posted by Angela

Have you seen the movie, Idiocracy, Bob? It's pretty funny -- it's the future, the thoughtful people stop breeding, the thoughtless produce countless litters, and it opens with the Great Garbage Avalanche of 2505.

No, but that one is on my list of things to see ;-)

--Bob

[Angela]

Pretty funny, in a Beavis and Butthead sort of way. Lots of very amusing visual jokes, like a billboard for cigarettes that says, "The Surgeon General has only one lung and no voicebox, but he can still kick your sorry ass!"

[lasti]

Thank you, Angela

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by SonoranBob

I applaud you for being open to this as a valid life choice. Many people, especially women, never even consider it. Children, IMO, are highly overrated. A big investment for a very unc