Feeling guilty about not buying friends/family gifts

[Hsiang-Lin]

I think I have conflicting beliefs.

On one hand, I want to be a generous and compassionate person.

On the other hand, I am still a graduate student living off my parents' expenses.

I'm absolutely clueless when it comes to when and who to give gifts to. This has always been handled by my parents and I try to avoid social situations as much as possible for fear of having to repay people with gifts.

I always thought material gifts were shallow. There have been very few occasions where I would see fit to give someone a gift or even receive one myself. Whenever other people give me gifts, I tend to look at it as more of a burden than a blessing because I feel obligated to repay them. Also, since I am basically mooching off my parents, I feel guilty to use their money to buy gifts for my friends or even them.

I know this is a very askewed view. How can I understand the art of gift giving better? I don't think I'm a miser. I'll gladly help people if I see fit, but I feel most people around me are well-off and the best gift I can give them is to teach them how to be self-motivated and self-sufficient instead of material gifts.

So on one hand I'm inspired to be a good person, but I feel I do not have the resources to be very generous yet. Perhaps I need a job and make my own money? That is where I think I might have to go to resolve this problem.

[bodhiavttas]

Hi Hsiang-Lin,

There are no hard and fast rules for gift-giving. Perhaps magazines or society want you to believe there are, but truly everyone makes their own rules, and so should you.

I don't think gift-giving necessarily translates into "being generous". For example, I always feel pathetic when I spend $30 for a gift which is usually going to be physically burdensome and end up on some middle class family's shelf in a tiny NYC condo when I know there are others in life-threatening situations who could greatly benefit from that amount of money...

On the other hand, like you seem to acknowledge, there is a certain social conduct about gift-giving. If you receive a gift from someone, that someone would at least like for you to be thankful for it, and apologetic that you can't give back, rather than seeing a puzzled expression that would be confusing for them.

People around you probably understand your financial situation. Perhaps making something with your own hands could be a solution. You could include a personal note explaining the reason for giving such a humble gift--which probably cannot compare to what you might receive "in exchange". That could result in some very meaningful and memorable gift-giving.

There are plenty of ways you in which you could honor your friends and family, especially those you feel closer toward or those whom, just for the sake of courtesy, you would like to give gifts back to. You could cook pasta at home for a while and forsake TV dinners or eating out to save up for some baking powder, sugar, cocoa, etc. to make cookies for everyone. Use your imagination and craft to write personal notes. You could also think about hand-crafting coupons for your family members--as in "plant-watering coupon" and "massage coupon", "meal preparation coupon"; complete with expiration date and follow-through.

You say,

the best gift I can give them is to teach them how to be self-motivated and self-sufficient instead of material gifts.

You could write an essay about self-motivation and print it out for everyone in your circle that you wish to 'gift-give' to!

If you believe material gifts are shallow, that can totally rule your gift-giving sprees! Even when you become financially independent, you could still give people a charity donation on their behalf or give them tickets to an event that you could go to together, honoring and making your relationship stronger. I would encourage you, however, not to judge others' gift-giving to you. They might have reasons for giving material things that you might not understand at the moment.

This year enjoy the gift exchange season--there is something powerful about it.

[Cassie]

I'm in the same boat. I try not to stress about it though. There's nothing I can do about it at this point in my life, so my friends and family just need to accept it. I relish the opportunity to spend time with them much more than the ritual of passing expensive (and perhaps tacky) gifts back and forth.

I'm always there when my friends need me, so they are generally very understanding of my situation.

[Angela]

One of the most generous things a person can do is to be graciously and gratefully accepting.

You're at a stage in your life where the people who love you want to be able to assist you, and are not expecting you to spend your money on baubles for them. If you can accept their gifts with real gratitude, you're already giving them something that's incredibly valuable and will remain in their hearts. Look your gift-horse in the eye and tell her how much it means to you that she took the time and effort and love to give you a gift. Make that moment mean something for both of you.

When it's time for you to do the gift-giving, whether it's a sapphire or your sang-froid, give from a place of REAL generosity. When you give out of guilt or obligation, that gift is tainted -- so much for meaningful moments!

[RT Wolf]

I look at it another way. A gift creates goodwill in a relationship. It strengthens our bonds because in many ways, we're built for that sort of thing (Mean Genes is a good book and explains this, as does Influence, in my sig).

If you feel obligated to give a gift, then think about how happy the other person may be to receive it.

On the other hand, to create better goodwill, I'm adopting a "random" schedule of small gifts that are given to close friends throughout the year, rather than at significant intervals. They're small gifts, nothing fancy, something interesting or quirky from the dollar store is good enough.

Sometimes, the greatest gift is simply a warm hug and a smile.

In conclusion, I can't think properly but I hope this offered a different perspective.

[icesar]

I tend to stress about gift-giving around the holidays too, but there are a few things you can do. If you can get your family to agree, a one-gift secret santa or the like means that everyone gets something, and everyone buys only one thing.

Ultimately, I think people like to know that you're thinking of them, so a card, a phone call, and a warm hug can do the trick. My girlfriend came up with a great idea this season - she's spending a day making a big pot of chutney which she's going to put into jars and give to the people in her life. Inexepensive, thoughtful, and meaningful because she spent so much time making it.

[belugagirl]

Gifts do not have to be tangible. In fact, the best gifts often aren't the kind you can unwrap. For the last couple years I have been giving mostly gifts of time rather than gifts of stuff. (I have become disillusioned with the crazy consumption of Christmas.) This costs me nothing monetarily, but time is precious, and people appreciate that more than some tchotchke.

For example, I used to be a massage therapist, so I give the promise of massages for some. I have a number of friends with babies or small children, and so I give a night of babysitting so that they can have a break. They LOVE and APPRECIATE this. Every year I take over the last couple hours of preparation of the Christmas meal for my mom. She doesn't want any more stuff and she says this is the best present I could give her. What does my husband want? A clean basement. (It's mostly full of my clutter.) So guess what he gets for Christmas? His basement space back! It'll probably take me a week, but I won't have to stress or shop.

And of course thought always counts, so a thoughtful, personal and/or mushy card for parents, in-laws, grandparents, hubby . . . they like that best. And it doesn't take up space or end up in a garage sale.

So for people you want to give something to, give them your time and your thoughts. If we all did a little more of this, perhaps we would indeed have peace on earth!

[tc33]

A few years ago I established a "card-exchange-only" rule with my family/friends. At first, they thought I was nuts, but after explaining the rationale to win their buy-in, they obliged. It felt weird at first, but it soon caught on.

Now, christmas shopping for me involves going to the store to buy a handful of cards. I now spend one hour a year buying christmas cards, and that keeps me covered and guilt-free.

If I still had a significant other, then I'd still buy something for them, as it is much more personal & meaningful gift, IMO, as compared to a new tie/pack of underwear for your dad.

Hope that helps!

Tom

[Nicketas]

Guilt is self-inflicted fear of an imagined result, past present or future.

Stop that. Get rid of it.

[RT Wolf]

Originally Posted by tracyrtwyman

If I had any money, I would buy them a camel and tell them to find some way of shoving it through the eye of a needle.

Hhahahaha.