Speaking and Self Control

[Zwynd]

I hate talking with others in real life. The sound of my own voice, the speed in which I and others talk, and the lack of content in a conversation is what bothers me so very much.

"And, err uh, yeah, so, hmm, well, eh..." to me, hearing those words used so frequently resembles nails on a chalkboard; it grates on my nerves to hear them and more so when I'm using them just as much or more than the other person.

I greatly admire people who can speak slowly, tersely, and with much meaning behind their words. I would love to practice this, however I find it very difficult. I feel the need to rush, if I pause too long I'm interrupted and don't get a word in edgewise. That or I'm ignored (gee, realization just came that maybe it's also the people I'm around who cause me to talk like this to keep up...)

Does anyone have any helpful suggestions?

I'm not very interested in joining a speaking club (like Toastmasters) for I can usually learn much more quickly in smaller groups and even better on my own. Should I be reading more? What types of books? Know any characters in a novel or movie who speak like this so that I may learn from them as an example?

Very much appreciating your thoughts here.

[MattSuwak]

I thought of Peggy Hill's father in King of the Hill, when the family goes to Montana. Her dad rarely speaks, and when he does it sounds like something an indian would say. "Well, all I know is the grass'll keep growin' and the mountains'll be here long after we're gone."


As for characters who only speak in the manner you mention, I would try reading The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. Howard Roark is one of my heroes, and he speaks just how you're mentioning now.

It's a bit of a stretch, but the oldest indian in Dances With Wolves is one of those people who rarely speaks, but when he does everybody listens. A lot of Westerns have characters who speak exactly like you're mentioning. Think of Clint Eastwood!

[ThoughtAddict]

When I began public speaking for mock trial competitions, I had the same problem. The easiest solution I've found was to always take a full breath in and out before responding. That second you're breathing pushes your mind past what you're instinctively trying to say and into a fully active, intelligent comment. It also calms you and gives you the air for a full, powerful use of your voice.

Some people respond oddly to silence. They find even a moment of silence in a conversation to be awkward. Others, especially people whose words are carefully examined, will be very comfortable with this. One thing to realize is that the awkwardness another person feels is not your fault; you do not have to feel bad for it. If you're worried about being interrupted, you can use hand signals to hold initiative in the conversation or even accept the interruption and jump back in forcefully when you're ready.

One issue you may be having is initiative. If your speech attempts to fit into someone else's patterns and timing, you may indeed be rushed. Better is to continue operating at your own speed and either let them come into yours or come to a middle ground. There are times people will refuse. It happens. If they're so uninterested in what you have to say that they won't let you express yourself, then they're probably not worth the frustration you'd feel trying to fit into their timing.

[say]

Originally Posted by ThoughtAddict

When I began public speaking for mock trial competitions, I had the same problem. The easiest solution I've found was to always take a full breath in and out before responding. That second you're breathing pushes your mind past what you're instinctively trying to say and into a fully active, intelligent comment. It also calms you and gives you the air for a full, powerful use of your voice.

Wow, that's a nice trick. Now that I think about it a person who I know and seems to me like an inteligent talker often did that. I think he just does it spontaneously, I seriously doubt he had any lessons for that.

[Brutha]

I'm not very interested in joining a speaking club (like Toastmasters) for I can usually learn much more quickly in smaller groups and even better on my own.

You can learn to hold monologes on your own but you can't learn speaking to an audience on your own.
You actually need an audience to learn speaking.
And even in Toastmasters there is also room for preparing and rehearsing your speech at home before you give it at the club.

Depending on your financial means, hiring a voice coach might be a good idea if you want a small two person group.

But in general you can't learn speaking through reading a book any more than you can learn football through reading a book.
Getting a bit of theory from a book might help you a bit here and there, but you actually have to speak to an audience.

[Zwynd]

Hey there, sorry for the delay!

@MattSuwak: Never watched much of King of the Hill. I found Stewie to be funny but otherwise, eh.

I had at first read your post to mean that Peggy was the person to watch for. From what I've seen, Peggy is more impulsive and not very learned. However! I hadn't seen the episode with her father. I'll have to spend some time googling for that episode. Thank you.

"The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand" Is it anything like the old movie? I saw a clip of the man from the movie talking in court and along with his weird stop-and-go sentences, the story he was telling was quite hard for me to keep up with.

As for Dances with wolves. I can't remember his name but yeah I definitely remember him. Very quiet, tersely speaking, good feeling about him. He's the kind of guy I'd love to speak like.

@Thoughtaddict. Breathing before speaking, who'd have thought?! Seriously, I tend to half breath, speak till I run out of air, breathe and keep speaking till I need to repeat or am finished my story. Ugh.

I think I'll go with your suggestion:

I'll take a great breath in, out, then in. Then I'll say everything I need to say at a slow pace before I run out. If I need to say more then it may have to be after the other person has their turn.

You are also right about the initiative part. A lot of the people I have grown up with have done the "nod your head constantly" thing to whatever anyone's saying. It lets the other person continue and continue till they've run out of gas (subject.)

I'm liking the thought of not running on empty with each turn. Slow and steady.

Hah, fancy that. I'm looking forward to talking with more people so I can actually practice talking less! Ironic to the extreme.

@Brutha. I see what you're saying about practicing with an audience rather than solo. I'll get there eventually.

Right now my skills in speaking are best on the Internet (if that says much) but extremely poor with 1 on 1 speaking. I can do audience speaking (with cards or a subject I know) better than 1v1 because an audience doesn't necessarily jump in and interrupt the speaker.

That's why I made this post. I'd like to see more examples of smaller group conversations that have the desired type of people I'd like to emulate.

---

Thank you all again for your thoughts. I'll definitely be doing more research and breathing(!) to improve upon my speaking skills.

I'll also see about doing a follow-up post in a week or so to share my progress.

Take care!

[Alexjstrandberg]

take a deep breath before you respond or speak. If you need to calm yourself down just tell the person you need a second to do so. this will allow you to speak consciously instead of just reacting and speaking on autopilot.

It's all in the breath.

[cardano]

"He doesn't talk much, but when he does talk, it's something special" - Donald Trump when describing Trace Adkins (YouTube - Celebrity Apprentice Trace Adkins - One of Top Four)

If you like to learn from observing other people in unscripted situations, Trace Adkins in Celebrity Apprentice is hands down the person to follow. I've followed the whole season and is amazed by this man. As Trump stated, Trace doesn't talk much. But when he does, people will quiet down and listen. He not only can speak with good observation, but he can word and pace his speech so well (and humorously).

Here's a short sample: YouTube - Celebrity Apprentice - Finale pt 3

[Zwynd]

Originally Posted by cardano

"He doesn't talk much, but when he does talk, it's something special" - Donald Trump when describing Trace Adkins (YouTube - Celebrity Apprentice Trace Adkins - One of Top Four)

If you like to learn from observing other people in unscripted situations, Trace Adkins in Celebrity Apprentice is hands down the person to follow. I've followed the whole season and is amazed by this man. As Trump stated, Trace doesn't talk much. But when he does, people will quiet down and listen. He not only can speak with good observation, but he can word and pace his speech so well (and humorously).

Here's a short sample: YouTube - Celebrity Apprentice - Finale pt 3

Interesting, that Trace fellow certainly speaks what's on his mind.

I've never watched this show before but I looked over those two links as well as watched one of the later parts and this very type of conversing is what I hate the most and unfortunately end up seeing a lot:

YouTube - Celebrity Apprentice - Finale pt 6

Constant interrupts, belittling, lying, randomness. Even with Trace, people find they want to interrupt him (though he's not immune to doing it, either.)

I'd be all for a Talking Stick, if it could actually work in our modern society. =P

There is one thing that came to my mind recently of the type of person/people I'd like to emulate in speech. It's actually from fantasy so it may give you a chuckle. The Dwarves written by J.R.R.Tolkein are very slow to talk but when they do, it's often with honor and patience.

I'm not talking about the Dwarves in the recent LoTR movies, either. Gimli was very poorly and unfairly done in the LoTR trilogy, imo; they put him as a typical fantasy Dwarf to sell expectations.

Here's an article I read a couple months back by a blogger. I find it interesting that I thought of it again and do recall that I had the urge to read Tolkein's books about Dwarves after reading this entry.

I got lost in the sea of books and character names, however, and ended up looking through quotes instead.

Here's the link

Separating the Men from the Dorfs

[Zwynd]

Hmm, so no other suggestions?

What has been posted is helpful though doesn't anyone else have a person they admire for terse and purposeful speaking? Real or fictional characters, does not matter either way, I'd love to hear about them!

[reflections]

I'd also agree that breathing is one of the most important facets of good speaking no matter what type of speaking you are aiming for.

Spending time to practice breathing and releasing tension from the body in particular the torso, diaphragm, neck, shoulders and head makes your body more into an open vessel for your voice to project out of. Alexander technique can be excellent for this, but if you can also just spend the time to feel out tension in your body as you breath and speak and relax it out.

[ladybug]

I hate talking with others in real life. The sound of my own voice, the speed in which I and others talk, and the lack of content in a conversation is what bothers me so very much.

I agree with everyone that mentioned breathing. I used to have the same problem with starting my sentences in the middle of a breath. Then, you are stuck, which isn't a good feeling. If you are truly nervous, take some time for a few deep breaths. If it's the sound of your voice you hate, learn to speak out loud to yourself. When you are alone, just start talking. Learn to listen to your voice. What don't you like about it. If it's the tone, is it too high or low? Learn to adjust it. If it's the speed, slow down. Learn to breath while you are talking. Keep practicing. This may seem silly, but really to hear yourself talk out loud will help you correct what you think you need to correct while speaking to other people. If you build up the courage, talk in the mirror. Emphasize what it is you want to get across. How does it sound with a certain pause, with emotion? If it's just a casual conversation, relax into it like you've known the person for twenty years, even if you've never met the person before. Also check out your body language while talking with someone. If you are open to the person you start mirroring poses. If you feel threatened you may cross your arms or bow your head. If you start practicing alone you may feel a bit better when the time comes to speak.

[Zwynd]

Alright, you all have my word that I'll be practicing my breathing more and yes, I hadn't really thought to relax into it as well. I've been a rather tense person most of my life.

Originally Posted by ladybug

I agree with everyone that mentioned breathing. I used to have the same problem with starting my sentences in the middle of a breath. Then, you are stuck, which isn't a good feeling. If you are truly nervous, take some time for a few deep breaths. If it's the sound of your voice you hate, learn to speak out loud to yourself. When you are alone, just start talking. Learn to listen to your voice. What don't you like about it. If it's the tone, is it too high or low? Learn to adjust it. If it's the speed, slow down. Learn to breath while you are talking. Keep practicing. This may seem silly, but really to hear yourself talk out loud will help you correct what you think you need to correct while speaking to other people. If you build up the courage, talk in the mirror. Emphasize what it is you want to get across. How does it sound with a certain pause, with emotion? If it's just a casual conversation, relax into it like you've known the person for twenty years, even if you've never met the person before. Also check out your body language while talking with someone. If you are open to the person you start mirroring poses. If you feel threatened you may cross your arms or bow your head. If you start practicing alone you may feel a bit better when the time comes to speak.

Thank you for giving many detailed examples with this. I'm going to be trying all of these out. As well, ironically enough, I've been recording my voice for a part in a movie recently but I never thought to use that to aid me instead of just using it to criticize that my voice sucks.

I do know our voice doesn't sound the same when we hear it recorded, but I mean to say that I mostly don't like it for how I say things; slurring, or whatnot.

I've also been putting a lot of conscious effort in trying to find examples of people who are thoughtful and terse speakers. Lately they've been appearing en masse in one form or another. Very pleased with that.

Thank you all again. Excellent advice here.

[Froztwolf]

You say you speak very fast and impulsively because you are trying not to get interrupted. In my experience, this manner of speaking is the most likely to be interrupted.

Speking fast to try and jam everything in before people stop listening, one concedes power to them over the conversation. When one does this, most people will exercise that power now and then, resulting in interruptions, derailment or just lost interest.

If you make it clear when you speak that you intend to be listened to throughout what you have to say, then people will listen. Look people in the eye, take the time you need and the rest will be so much easier.

If you are interrupted while speaking, tell people you hadn't finished and go on from where you were. Don't be rude but behave as if you expect people to listen, not for you but for themselves.

This will take some practice and you will slip up along the way. But that's what self-improvement is all about

[Nicketas]

Originally Posted by Zwynd

I hate talking with others in real life. The sound of my own voice, the speed in which I and others talk, and the lack of content in a conversation is what bothers me so very much.

"And, err uh, yeah, so, hmm, well, eh..." to me, hearing those words used so frequently resembles nails on a chalkboard; it grates on my nerves to hear them and more so when I'm using them just as much or more than the other person.

I greatly admire people who can speak slowly, tersely, and with much meaning behind their words. I would love to practice this, however I find it very difficult. I feel the need to rush, if I pause too long I'm interrupted and don't get a word in edgewise. That or I'm ignored (gee, realization just came that maybe it's also the people I'm around who cause me to talk like this to keep up...)

Does anyone have any helpful suggestions?

I'm not very interested in joining a speaking club (like Toastmasters) for I can usually learn much more quickly in smaller groups and even better on my own. Should I be reading more? What types of books? Know any characters in a novel or movie who speak like this so that I may learn from them as an example?

Very much appreciating your thoughts here.

Decide, with every level of specificity, how you will choose to speak to others. Stick to this decision, adapting slowly as needed.

You need no role models; only your own choice.

[Zwynd]

Thank you Niketas and Froztwolf.

I'm already training with my partner on how I'd like others to converse with me. That really is the big thing there. I've been assuming others will interrupt, and with how I've react (by speaking quickly) it's no surprise that they react in the way I don't want. I'm practically saying, "Interrupt me!" @.@

[WhiteLight]

The past few months has been a tremendous period of personal development, and one of the areas that I have completely reworked is communication. Bear in mind that not all communication is verbal, the majority of it actually has to do with body language.

Stand up straight, hold your head up high, expand your chest (which helps with your breathing as well), face the person you are communicating with (not just your face, but hips, shoulders, and feet as well), and maintain deep eye contact. Maintaining this open body language sends the message that you intend to speak with that person. Who would you rather listen to, someone who has a bent posture, always fidgets, has darting eyes, and turns their back on you, or someone who proudly holds their body upright, looks you in the eye, and positions their body in front of you?

The next thing you have to develop is ridding your mind of stray thoughts. Your thoughts have a way of manifesting into action or words, and when your mind is always running from one thought to another it's no wonder that you seem to trip on your own tongue. What I find helpful is meditation, which allows you to quiet your mind. From that silence, you can see true wisdom and intelligence blossoming. Your thoughts will take on a higher nature, and more often than not (well, from my experience) you may find yourself conversing with someone without even thinking. Your thought manifests itself spontaneously as spoken word. But don't go around speaking your mind all the time. In your meditation and experiences in life you will gain the knowledge to discern which words are supportive, productive, and valuable to the situation you are in. Choose your words wisely, because certain words or phrases have negative connotations to them.

Another area you have to develop is voice pitch. When we hear a high pitched voice that ends sentences on a higher note (sort of like asking a question every time you end a sentence) we instinctively think of the way children communicate. This high pitched voiced could also be interpreted as whiny, and helpless. Consciously practice lowering the pitch of your voice. Breathe deeper, and when you speak, project your voice from your chest/abdomen/torso region.

On a similar note to pitch, instead of ending your sentences in a high pitch, end them on a lower one. This voice tone is more congruent with the parent, instead of the whiny tone of a child. It allows you to speak more authoritatively and more confidently. Also, learn how to project your voice to the listener. They have to be able to hear you regardless of the background noise. But remember, speak softly and with compassion.

Now, it's important to note that there's two aspects to communication: a speaker and a listener. Or a giver and a receiver. In order to communicate well, you have to be able to listen well. Learn how to be an active listener. It shows that you are able to listen and connect, ensuring that your audience will be more receptive to what you have to say. Vibe off of the topics that your audience presents you. One easy way to do this is to pick out key words/phrases/ideas from their dialogue to keep the conversation going.

Here's some examples of conversations I had throughout the day (not the exact words, but the general idea):

Her: Do you have any siblings? (Direct question)
Me: No, I'm an only child.
Her: See, I'm the opposite, I was born first, and I had twelve brothers and sisters.
Me: Ah, so that means you have a very nurturing instinct.
Her: Naturally. I had to take care of my mother as well. Raising thirteen children can be very stressful.
Me: Both of my parents came from large families. Each had around seven or eight brothers and sisters.
Her: Do you have any cousins that live in the area? (Direct question)
Me: Just one, but for about two years one of my cousins moved in with us to see what it was like to get a public school education in the U.S.
Her: Really? How old was he when he moved here?

Her: My husband and I spent some time running from the mob.
Me: You guys were running from the mob?!?
Her: Not the actual the mob, but when you have so many siblings it begins to feel like one.

Me: Is your car manual or automatic?
Him: It's both actually.
Me: Both? How does that work?
Him: Well, it's automatic, but there's a setting where I can switch it to manual. (No keyword to vibe off of)
Me: Oh that's awesome. Your car model is the 328 right?
Him: Yeah, the 328i. I don't even know what the 'i' stands for.
Me: It means 'inline', which actually refers to the engine. See, the pistons are set in a horizontal formation, sort of in a line, whereas traditional V6 engines have a v shape to them.
Him: Oh wow, I didn't even know that about my car. I just like to drive them.
Me: That's a good thing, BMWs were designed to be driven. I bet you're a spirited driver.
Him: Yeah, I tend to drive pretty fast, especially when I'm the first one at a light.
Me: I bet you like to take corners fast too, I know I do.

Her: I'm actually a teacher.
Me: Really? What do you teach?
Her: I'm an art teacher for kids.
Me: Oh nice, so you do paintings, colorings and drawings right?
Her: Yeah, it's a lot of fun.
Me: I bet. My mom's a teacher.
Her: Where does she teach? (Direct question)
Me: She teaches at a middle school.
Her: Bless her heart, she must be an angel. You probably remember being that age.
Me: Yeah I do, children at that age are a handful. She has to deal with a lot of stress.

And on, and on, and on. If there isn't a keyword/phrase that you can easily vibe off of, try to talk about something related to the topic being discussed, open up and add your own personal experience to the mix, or tailor your response in a way which opens up a new topic to discuss.

Remember, honesty is the best policy. Don't make up stories to build up your conversation skills. Show that you're genuinely interested and have fun!

[Zwynd]

Thank you, Whitelight. It's good to see some examples. I've gained quite a bit from that as I'm not exactly a strong speaker 1v1 but I believe I will be soon. =)

This is the breakdown I have so far from everyone's thoughts and other things I've been reading about. This is what I will be improving on:

* Breathing (breathe before speaking, breathe with belly )

* Posture (upright, facing, hand movements which are natural, stay relaxed, mirror a little to show connection)

* Eye contact (soft eyes, keep focus on strong points, relax on casual points)

* Tone (remove inflections 'cept for genuine questions. Lower tone to a comfortable level)

* Pace (go slow, especially on specific points to stress their importance)
* Listen (pick up key words and don't think about what to say while the other person is speaking)

* Condense (less is more, try to condense a sentence as much as possible while giving the most value from it)

* Give and Take (yo-yo the conversation at a comfortable pace as if one's using a talking stick or passing a ball)

[Froztwolf]

You could also get some books on public speaking. I'm not suggesting you hold speeches or anything such but a lot of the advice given for public speaking translates well into speaking to an individual or small groups. I recommend "Public speaking for success" by Dale Carnegie

[Zwynd]

Just wanted to update that since my initial post I've made excellent progress with simple one-on-one conversations and speaking tersely. I forget here and there but as I'm practicing I keep bouncing back faster and overall I'm doing much better with people I know now than last month.

The trick though will be keeping to who I feel I am around strangers and very persuasive people. Not that I can be persuaded to do accept a task, but rather in making sure I'm sticking to my guns; keeping my posture, mannerisms and everything else in line with what I want.

It will be tested this weekend, I'm sure of it. So we'll see how that goes. =)

[WhiteLight]

Keep it up man. Just be ready for anything, even failure. There will be times where you will think you're on top of the world socially, the 'life' of the party. Then all of a sudden something clicks and you find yourself losing your composure. Take a deep breath, center yourself, and keep on taking those risks, it pays off in the long run.

Oh and another key thing...pay attention! Especially to your fears. Re-evaluate them and think of them as a guide towards which situations and interactions you should be engaging in. Keep moving forward no matter how frightening it can get, but start with small accomplishments first and build up from there.