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| Emotional Mastery Emotional intelligence, addiction and recovery, grieving, loss, fear, anger, guilt, resentment, frustration, anxiety, depression, happiness, joy, love, kindness, forgiveness, self-acceptance, confidence, escaping the pit of despair, EFT |
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07-11-2008, 07:45 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: in my mind
Posts: 185
 |  My fantasies about life are ruining my life...
my problem is that I CONSTANTLY dream and fantasize about how I wish my life were...for example...being beautiful (in an attractive sense), being rich, having the guy I have a crush on fall madly in love with me, making my parents happy, and get over what happened to me as a child, being confident (witty and funny), and just have a great life I fantasize for HOURS a day (i'm talking 9 hours probably all together) and I"m not even kidding. its taking over my life... i've been trying sooooo hard to change..but my thoughts constantly get the best of me...please help me  |
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07-11-2008, 09:13 PM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 22,520
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Lightthecandle, you are training us to relate to you as a person who begs for help but is unwilling to help herself. How long are you going to seek answers and remain stalwart about not implementing them? When are you going to make a declaration about what you're willing to do in living a life you love? Someone I love put it very well today when she said, "It must be very hard for you to know that a person is able, but not willing" to take care of her wellbeing. Boy, that sure is right. When you're ready, you're ready, and you may never be ready, but are you aware of the price you and the people around you are paying in the meanwhile? |
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07-11-2008, 09:21 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: New York, NY
Posts: 1,676
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I would say- keep fantasizing! Without that you wont get anywhere. but dont wish it for your future. Pretend you are already there! instead of dreaming for 9 hours, set aside 1 hour to focus on those dreams, and the rest of the time act! Act towards those fantacys. What small steps can you make everyday towards your goals? The fact that you can imagine wonderful things happening to you is a great thing! believe in those thoughts, and with certainty act towards them Last edited by danas; 07-11-2008 at 09:25 PM. |
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07-11-2008, 09:23 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Florida Keys
Posts: 7
| start your dreams now
Hey, I just wanted to let you know that you are definately not alone. This is first and foremost. I know I felt every single one of the things you wrote. How did I get out of it. I simply wanted to, so that is the first step. The second step is to find out Why do you want these changes. Write it out. If you have to think about it too long you may not be ready to change that yet. One step at a time I was able to let go and forgive myself and others. I hope that this has helped. Of course words help, but experience and doing always create experience and wisdom.
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07-12-2008, 05:11 AM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Everywhere
Posts: 377
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There's great advice in here. When I was younger I ended up fantasizing for DAYS on end, even forgetting about sleep sometimes. I'd even program myself to be a zombie to do basic tasks if absolutely needed (ie, urinate or eat.) I had to do this, you see, for I was living in a very bad situation for much of my childhood. If I faced reality with no hope of escape back then, well, I wouldn't be alive today. Dreaming that I was somewhere else had most certainly kept me going and hoping for a better life...eventually. Well, over time things changed and everything got better but afterward my desire to fantasize turned from a safety feature to a very big problem for me. I had begun fantasizing [fearing] that my great Present could be taken away at a moment's notice, that I might be forced to live a similar past in my Future. I'd try to think of better things for myself in the Future to counter it but even more bad things would appear in my thoughts. Eventually I had to say to myself "Is constantly fearing the worst or hoping for the best for hours on end actually going to help me avoid what I don't want or get what I do want right now?" The answer for me was a resounding "NO!" I decided I wanted to live my life, now; here in the Present. To get myself -here- I needed to allow myself small bursts of imagination (an hour a day) followed by a full desire to act as soon as it was possible. I still struggle some days, after all I spent much of my life "somewhere else." But it does get easier the more you try. Just keep focusing on the present, have joy for the NOW and excitement for what could happen at any second. Allow a bit of time for daydreaming but don't let it decide how you could live; your imagination of what could happen might not even come close to the beautiful things you could eventually encounter. |
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07-12-2008, 10:39 AM
| #7 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 39
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07-13-2008, 05:42 AM
| #9 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Australia
Posts: 1,139
| Quote:
I'm guessing that you fantasise in a wistful way, yes? A "wouldn't it be nice if..." way? Have you tried fantasising about stuff that you actually could do? Have you tried fantasising in a way that might inspire action rather than misery? | |
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07-13-2008, 06:05 AM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 293
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Lightthecandle, can I ask just what exactly you've actually specifically done to try and change? Look, I don't know enough about you and your situation to really offer any useful advice or help. What I would suggest is that you try to find an answer to your problems yourself, since you're the one living your life and going through all the problems. I don't know if you believe in God or a Higher Intelligence or whatever; if you just believe in intuition then that's enough. Ask for a higher understanding of the situation; quiet your mind and ask to see what you're not seeing. The whole process is almost a little like praying. Relax and try to quiet your mind, and then sincerely ask for a higher understanding, the understanding that will set you free. I don't know if that made sense to you or not, but feel free to PM me if you want to go into more detail. Having said all that I do have to concur with Angela and ask: are you sure you're really willing to help yourself? to change and to let go of your past? |
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07-13-2008, 03:08 PM
| #11 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: France -> Germany -> France -> Brazil
Posts: 3,430
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lightthecandle, I tend to daydream a lot too, and I've noticed something about it: my dreams always say a lot about what I need or want to feel right now, without being aware of. For instance, I'm working a lot, and suddenly I start daydreaming: in my fantasy I'm having a terrible accident! Oh boy, I'm half dead, and everybody is very worried about me, my friends and family are there, and my boyfriend holds my hand crying, and all this is very dramatic  I'm not able to control this daydream, it just happens, and it can be so strong that I really feel their pain and start crying. You'll say, where's the point in daydreaming about having an accident. Well, fact is, in my fantasy I'm lying in a warm and soft (hospital) bed, not doing anything (because I'm injured so badly!), with everybody around flooding me with love... And then I realize that I haven't been taking enough care of myself lately. What I need is to take a break, be nice to myself, flood myself with love and rest. So I hide in my soft and warm bed for a while, do nothing, and sleep. When I wake up, I don't daydream about accidents and injuries anymore. What I'm trying to say is that if you are like me, maybe your daydreams are signals for you to look at your relationship with yourself. I noticed that the more I'm tense and disconnected from myself, the less I have control over this daydreaming habit. Because I think it's how your subconscious or higher self or whatever tells you that you need something, and if you don't listen to yourself, it has to force it on you with a persistent daydream. Of course you want to be rich and beautiful and Prince Charming to fall for you... that's trivial. What's interesting is: what does it say about your needs on a deeper level? What your wishes mean is not the same for everybody. One girl would want to be beautiful in order to have a good social status and feel powerful. Another one would want it in order to feel just respected. Another one in order to feel loved. See what I mean? So what do your dreams represent for you? Don't fight against them, they're useful. Instead, listen to them. What are they telling you? How exactly do you feel when you imagine all this? That's the emotion you need to experience now. And then, the second step is: what could you DO (like me hiding in bed and sleeping) in order to create these very same emotions and feelings in your real life? It doesn't have to be the same action as in your dream. I don't need to have an accident and get terribly injured. I just need to sleep and love myself. I think it's a mistake to think that you have to reach the same goal as in your dream. It's just about the emotion you experience in your dream. There are other ways to create this emotion, find one!  Hope this helps? |
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07-13-2008, 03:30 PM
| #12 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 51
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According to Nathaniel Branden, one of the pillars of self-esteem is accepting reality for what it is. However, you can do something everyday that you would normally not do. This way you will get the action habit and eventually build momentum toward what you want. You will surprise yourself at what your capable of doing. Just gettting out of the house, going to the gym, swimming is a huge step toward gaining the action habit. |
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07-14-2008, 01:45 PM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 69
| Raise your Standards
Lightthecandle - Here's a great Steve Pavlina article for you to reference: Raise your Standards |
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07-14-2008, 03:13 PM
| #15 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 944
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07-14-2008, 03:27 PM
| #16 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 22,520
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I'm so glad, mercuryrising. I get the strong feeling that lightthecandle operates mostly in broadcast mode, rather than receptive mode. I'm sorry if I'm wrong about that, LtC, and for referring to you in the third person, it's just that you start so many threads of the "woe is me" variety, but only rarely do you even respond to the generous and loving feedback you get, let alone appear to get anything from it or move through any particular issue, so I doubt you're hearing me even now. If you can hear me, though (Hello? Helllooooooooo!), do you think it's possible that this way of being is something that is holding you back in your real life? One thing I've noticed is that the best way to have a breakthrough in your life is to be dynamically committed to having a breakthrough. Yes, sometimes breakthroughs just *happen* out of the blue, but why wait? Why sit around on your buts, being at the effect of external circumstance, when you have all the power in the world to generate a breakthrough for yourself? |
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07-15-2008, 05:06 AM
| #18 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: in my mind
Posts: 185
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hey everyone, yes, i am hearing you. and i thank you from the bottom of my heart really. I know I have been posting on this forum repetitively and not seeming like i am gaining anything from it. but the thing is..your advice truly does help. however, my problem is that the advice only gets me so far...like it will help me for a few hours in changing my belief system/mindset.. but then i start feeling hopeless again..that the positivity that i gained from here wears off. (im really sorry to say this, and i don't mean to be rude or mean in anyway) but how do i solve that issue..how do i take everyone's advice and have it help me thorughout the day for more effectiveness..but its so hard. and about breakthroughs (thanks angela)...i'm constantly told that change takes time. and i hate that! i want to finally change..and change my life in an instant..but how do i go about doing THAT? again, thank you all tremendously for your kind/real words. hopefully this time..i will truly listen instead of just "reading". |
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07-15-2008, 05:24 AM
| #19 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Utah
Posts: 141
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It's fun fantasizing about instant change. But it's more realistic to start off doing 10 push-ups rather than 100 push-ups (as an example). | |
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07-15-2008, 05:39 AM
| #20 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Everywhere
Posts: 377
| Quote:
Write out what you want to do and work on the steps to living your goals today. See anything you can do this instant (eat healthier, build up skills, etc)? Make it a reality, change your life to how you think you'll be in the future (that may mean less tv, internet, snacks, whatever is in your way.) Steve typed something on Motivation, might be what you're looking for. | |
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07-15-2008, 08:31 AM
| #21 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Perth, Australia
Posts: 1,532
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Action. That's it, nothing else will ever work. Ever. Changes take time, but time is an illusion, there's is only right now and the only thing you can do right now is act. This isn't some "being present" thing from Tolle, but a fact of reality. You spend much of your time daydreaming about an UNREAL future, or wallowing in an UNREAL past, both which don't exist. I'm not saying that the future and past serve no point, they help us focus on a brighter future, and learn things from the past, but if we aren't taking action then we didn't learn anything really, and we definately aren't creating that brighter future. You say changes take time, but they really don't. Growth takes time, changes happen in a moment. One second it's one way, the next second it's another, that is change. It doesn't have to be big either, all change, no matter how small is change. Your solution would be to take action, every chance you get. It doesn't matter if you are "inspired" or not, just do something. If you are daydreaming about a brighter future, do something to change your life towards that future, anything at all, as long as it improves your life. If you are feeling sad, do something to stop feeling so sad, remove something negative from your life. If you are feeling happy, do something with that happiness, increase it and bring more of the same into your life. If you are feeling neutral, then do something to make you happy, or remove sadness, your choice. The only thing left is to act. It may "take time" as in the years will pass, but they'll do that anyways. The only way to arrive in the future better than you are now, is to do something about it. Everything else is just guff. |
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07-15-2008, 01:51 PM
| #22 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 591
| Quote:
This particular sentence caught my attention because I believe it relates directly to your thinking. Take notice of which thoughts lead directly to feelings of hopelessness and actively choose better feeling thoughts. It all starts in the mind. Actively choose better feeling thoughts, repeatedly. At first it will feel fake. After enough time passes and your mind realizes you are serious about changing the way you think, you might even find yourself in a bit of a struggle. Your thinking evolved into its current pattern as a means of protecting you from some perceived threat and changing it now may evoke feelings of fear and anxiety. If you get past that though, you’ll find your ability to direct the course of your thinking will be far stronger. The upshot is you will no longer be at the mercy of your feelings. Hopelessness will stop being "inevitable". Just a thought. Either way, the situation you described is not a problem as far as I can tell. How wonderful it must be to have so much time to imagine the world you’d like to live in! And I’m betting your imagination must be highly developed at this point. Maybe you should start thinking of yourself as an Imagineer! Good luck!!! | |
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07-18-2008, 02:39 PM
| #23 (permalink) | |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 2
| time and change
Hi, your post actually got me signed up just to respond. I was in the same situation when I was younger. The reality was too horrible to face so I know how fantasies save you. Eventually, though, I couldn't do it. I think it happened because of waiting too long for things to change. I think there is only so much you can endure. Try to take one of your fantasies and get excited about it enough to take a small step in that direction (assuming your fantasy is constructive!) Be flexible about it and how you plan it. You don't need to make big changes all at the same time. Just do one small thing after the other. There's no harm in fantasizing but please do something small to move in the direction you want. This way, you're also valuing your time. My fantasy was to live by myself in a different place. I opened up a map and even chose a place, but never acted on it. I was too passive to work up any excitement. Quote:
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07-19-2008, 09:41 AM
| #25 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Northeastern U.S. suburb.
Posts: 30
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Hi There - I identify with your thinking, so maybe what helps me will help you.....When I have a thought beginning with "I wish...", I remind myself that "wish" is not an action verb! I have a gentle dialogue with myself when these wishful/despairing thoughts take hold. For instance, I tell myself, kindly, that if I can't do anything about it, I imagine a light switch and visually switch off that train of thought. This interrupts the exhausting and getting-nowhere mindset. I get up, sometimes like a zombie and do a little something in the direction of what I'm seeking. Key words Do and Little. We humans are animals. We need to keep moving, physically. All else follows. Brisk walk. Household Chores. Personal grooming. Because if nothing else, the thoughts will be accompanied by productive activity. Another thought that is helpful....imagine what it's like to have you as a friend, employee, etc. and try to be your better self when the internal dialogue kicks in. When I am dissatisfied with myself, I find that I am more critical of others. That knowledge helps to halt the unproductive thinking. Keep your mind open and I hope you take comfort in knowing that we all struggle with the same stuff!
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02-23-2010, 01:38 PM
| #26 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 99
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Before you can change anything you need to accept the things that you want to change. When you accept yourself as you are and learn to like yourself you will get a truer understanding of what you would really like to have in your life and you can set about to make those things happen. We all fantasise. You can have all those things that you are after. Once you accept things for how they are you can get a better appreciation of the thought processes behind the way you view your life. Changing is easy. Deciding to do it is the clincher. Ask yourself what could I be doing to make life more enjoyable from where you are. Treat yourself. |
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02-23-2010, 02:02 PM
| #27 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posts: 5,929
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It's good, because you are actually using the law of attraction! By imagining what you want, your life is going to move in that direction! And prove it to me that you're not already beautiful. It's VERY common for people to think they are not beautiful when they are beautiful. Daydreaming about what you want is a good thing! It's the first step in manifesting what you want! Just remember to realize that absolutely anything you want is possible. Believe. Believe it is possible, even though it seems impossible and you don't know how...thats just social conditioning. The truth is that its possible. You just have to believe first, then your life will move in that direction, and things will flow because the impossible happenned to me | |
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