Tired of being a girl

[Angela]

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

... I rarely put myself first and paradoxically, I hurt the people around me by doing that. Lately, I've been noticing just how deeply engrained that idea is in me.

Did you just switch to this new state of being or was there something you did to purge out the old state?

Yeah, I think that one of the most generous things you can do for others is make your well-being your number one priority. You're not going to have a great impact on the lives of others if you're not having a great impact on your own. You're not doing your family any favors by slogging through a life you're not absolutely in love with.

How I switched to this new state was by going through the process I described in the post (thanks for responding, by the way; I was looking forward to hearing how you would respond). And how I got to that point was through my own coaching: I noticed who I was being (putting my boss's and his family's well-being ahead of my own, and being resentful and deadened) and looking to find the earliest incident I could find in my memory of feeling that feeling. I had some blocks up in my memory about it, which makes sense, cuz if I'm second rate, I'm not going to be very effective at my own coaching, am I? So it took some diligence to get to this incident with my mom, and admit to myself what meaning I had been manufacturing in my life all these years since.

And it's really being with the impact of believing that thought that has a new inspiring possibility arise. As anyone I've coached will tell you, it's especially seeing the impact you have had on the people you care about that is really the ashes out which the phoenix emerges. People are stunned to realize that what they are really up to in their relationships (their old pain decisions) is working at cross-purposes to what they really desire in their relationships. And also to look around at how pervasive your old pain decision is in every area of your life -- it's astonishing how a thought in a little child's head is running our lives.

[mercuryrising]

Originally Posted by SonoranBob

Ideas can exert a powerful hold over us, can't they? And the consequences of those thoughts magnify the effect: your taking work you hate, my brother's health deteriorating because he couldn't afford to get needed health care, etc. Live that way long enough and your ego becomes invested in all your illusions and it becomes very hard to change, too. That keeps people in lousy jobs, bad relationships, etc. You could have blamed your boss for your problems, my brother can spend the rest of his life pining for his faithless wife, but there are always alternative thoughts and they are free for the choosing.

--Bob

This to me is the background to 'you create your own reality'. In the above examples, if you blame someone else you give them your power. You hand over the ability to change your life to them. When you reverse this thinking to "I am responsible" those alternative thoughts become apparent.

Have you ever considered doing some writing outside of this forum, Bob? I think you have a great way of putting things.

[mercuryrising]

Originally Posted by Angela

How I switched to this new state was by going through the process I described in the post (thanks for responding, by the way; I was looking forward to hearing how you would respond).

I actually haven't really responded yet. I had something like an out-of-body experience reading your post where I was looking at my life for the seed from which this whole thing grew. Why I made these choices... Why I act this way... It will take some diligence on my part as well because I'm hiding it from myself.

I have to tell you that I feel closer to a real awakening than I have in quite a while just from what you said.

And my apologies, I didn't mean to have you repeat yourself. The first answer was good enough

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, niche, just this morning my boyfriend and I were in the car on the way to work and he saw a Maseratti at a dealership. He said that when we have money, he's going to get one and buy me a big van for all of our (as yet unborn) children.

Just wanted to say that I was thinking of you!

[SonoranBob]

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

This to me is the background to 'you create your own reality'. In the above examples, if you blame someone else you give them your power. You hand over the ability to change your life to them. When you reverse this thinking to "I am responsible" those alternative thoughts become apparent.

I don't take that conclusion from it. To me it's the background to "you limit your own reality" and/or "you create a distorted perception of reality, thus causing suffering". In the cases I cited, there are alternatives. This isn't always true, and I don't think you can always create alternatives. It was probably overreaching of me to say there are "always" alternatives. There are "usually" and "more often than most people think" alternatives. But sometimes life gives you the bum's rush to where it wants you to be and you don't get a choice.

My goal is not so much to bend or create reality as to perceive reality as clearly and accurately and without personal bias as possible and respond to it accordingly. This is what I call "dealing in reality". As near as I can tell, 100% of the suffering in my life has been from attempting to create reality that competes with the reality I've been gifted with.

This fits well with the idea of total acceptance of and non-resistance to what is. Properly understood, "what is" is your best destiny. Improperly understood, it's a living nightmare. To me, pain and pleasure are just information ... they tell you if you are living in harmony with reality or not.

For many people, an emphasis on "creating your own reality" becomes, I think, a rationale for "resisting reality". The better you understand reality, and the better you understand yourself, and act congruently with both, then the less suffering you have and the more happiness you can find.

Most of my adult life has been centered around trying to please other people, my concept of god, societal expectations, and conventional wisdom. When I really bought into the reality that I ought to please myself and follow my own path, and that I could trust my judgment in such matters, and that a sane estimation of my strengths and weaknesses should guide me in what kinds of activities, projects and relationships I involve myself in, suddenly ... kaboom. No more agony. It was all very simple. The complexity was other people's junk and expectations and demands.

Originally Posted by mercuryrising

Have you ever considered doing some writing outside of this forum, Bob? I think you have a great way of putting things.

Thanks. Indeed I have and am considering it. I am a published author but on technical topics and not for many years. My involvement here and in a couple of other quasi-anonymous online environments is experimental. Who knows what might come of it.

--Bob