Tired of being a girl

[SonoranBob]

Originally Posted by vb23

Men have so many less major issues to deal with.

I suppose that is why we have shorter life spans than women.

Originally Posted by vb23

Estrogen gives women a disadvantage making them too nice, kind and caring in a world which has little regard for integrity.

Hm. People who know me describe me as nice, kind and caring. Yet I don't have tits. Interesting.

By the way, you haven't hit menopause yet, have you? I didn't think so.

Originally Posted by vb23

Being cold, and unfeeling is good in this society, you don't get hurt all the time. Being nice is what got me into trouble. It just took 1 evil person to take advantage of me. It was a very hurtful and I just wish I could have prevented the evil he inflicted upon me.

If someone took advantage of you then you need to be more circumspect and cultivate better judgment about the character of others. This is not the same thing as becoming emotionally cold and uncaring. Or at least, that's a really clumsy way to attempt it.

Originally Posted by vb23

Society views men as growing older, stronger and many times more attractive. Women are always viewed negatively with age, (except Madonna who is doing pretty good).

Not that I'd want Madonna's life by any means, but I wonder why she is doing pretty good. Could it be that she's nobody's victim and respects herself? In spite of her estrogen?

Originally Posted by vb23

From my experience, men have the advantage in terms of making more money, establishing themselves easier in the workplace, and testosterone makes them much less needy and unfeeling than women, giving men the edge in this insane society we are living in. I want my man card in my next life.

The truth is that men no longer have a wage advantage except for the years in which women chose to drop out of their profession to raise children. Which is a personal choice. And many men these days become stay at home Dads to enable their wives's careers.

And if I hear one more woman hold forth on how testosterone makes men less needy ... well, don't make me come over there.

--Bob

[vb23]

Hi to All,
Thanks to everyone for the input and advice. I do appreciate it, and you have all made many valid points which lead me to a healthier path and eventually a better place.

I see life is harsh, for most us, at many different times in life. And it could always be worse I'm sure. And the gender thing is irrelevant really, there are tons of good and bad people all around, of all genders. I cannot change what I am, or the bad people out there. I can only help myself with my perspective.

I will accept my anger, and feel it without getting hung up on it. Then I'll try to pack it up and move on past it. I know the truth is that this event happened for a reason, and I may never know what that is (and I may take it with me when I die), but I will find whatever good I can in this situation and try to be a better person for it.

Sometimes facing the harshness of life is just another phase on the way to being the person you are supposed to be. I'll try not become so jaded that I miss the beauty of today. I will let the ugliness wash over me and keep on going... can't give up or you never get there.
Thank you all for the help.

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by SonoranBob

LOL! As a former Fundie Christian I never thought I would doff my hat in respect to the wisdom of a satanic witch!

--Bob

LOL, thanks Bob!

[mercuryrising]

Originally Posted by niche

I like this advice. Inside I guess I'm really angry. Or scared which makes me angry. I'm not sure. I blame being raped and abused on being a girl. I blame being scared on being a girl. Like if I wasn't this never would have happened. Or with the "almighty testosterone" I could just overcome everything within me. Shrug it off like who cares. Cause even though I show the world I don't care, I still do. And it sucks. And I just want to forget and erase everything bad from my mind. I want to erase my natural responses to attack. Because the smallest attack leads me to tense up and and prepare to strike back. And I want to get rid of the dreams.

Have you considered some classes in martial arts?

My testosterone has gotten me into a lot of trouble. Being angry constantly, stressed out and hurting the people you love the most is no fun. My girlfriend has a similar background to you (I think a lot of women do). She deals with fear in a similar way. I deal with anger. I'm not sure either one of us is better off than the other one.

[niche]

Hi everyone. There have been a lot of posts since I last responded. Many I want to comment on, so if you see something that I've written that you think is meant towards you, it might be. First of all, I've been trying to make some changes in my life. Some maybe not so good but some are. First, and I know this is not great but I've decided to smoke at least 1 or 2 cigarettes a day. This has really helped my stress levels. Not only this, but it has helped my physical well being also. No, not my lungs, but a lot of those physical things that are associated with lots of stress. Also, I've been doing more physical things. The other day, I helped in repairing a bit of ceiling in my mom's new house by hanging some drywall. I've been mowing the yard more often. The other day I ended up getting a flat and instead of calling AAA, I fixed it myself. Some may call these "manly" tasks. However, I was thinking. Stress and depression are statistically more common to women than men. Is this perhaps because as women we rely on men to do the physical work and therefore do not secrete the endorphins we need to in order to be happy? I've been talking about much of this stuff to my boyfriend. A lot of things he does makes me feel less of a person. I don't think he realizes it though. For example, just the other day we were talking about cars we could get when I get through school. I was being practical and stating that I would get the 7 passenger vehicle, together we have 5 children, and he could get a hybrid or something. No. He wants a jeep. I told him it wasn't fair for him to get the vehicle he wants while I'm stuck with the soccer mom vehicle. It is very hard for him to show empathy. I tried to get him to realize that the situation wasn't fair by stating that fine, I'll get a jeep and he can ride around in the mommy vehicle. Then he got mad and said we'll both just get whatever we want and we'll just have to take two vehicles all the time. This to me seemed like an apparent manipulation. I'm interested in hearing the good and bad on this one. Why as the female should I have to drive the 7 seater and he can drive a jeep around all the time. Just doesn't seem fair. The jury is still out on how this will work its way out between us.

As for religion, I've looked into trying to gain some type of introspect on who I am on this topic. I was raised in Christianity, non-denominational. This is a very touchy subject for my family as well, especially for my mother. I thought about Buddhism and researched it a bit. There are just certain things I'm not sure I could commit to. And in finding a religion, I want to be able to commit to all of it. As of now, I guess in family only, I'm a Christian, but I've coined the term non-denominational to mean that sure I believe in God and the devil but I'm free to do whatever I want. But this is not exactly working out for me because it seems hypocritical and I'm not liking that. Satinism....can't really say I know enough about it. However, this seems rather scary to me considering I've grown up thinking of hell as a fiery furnace that you forever burn in surrounded by your most painful and sad thoughts. Yes...scary. Cromag, maybe you can catch me up on some of your understandings about the world. Also, since I've been looking into the subject of men and women, I have found approximately 1 in every 3 women I have talked to about the subject wishes she were in some way "like" a man. Maybe not be a man, but at least have what a man has.

And yes, I do think a lot about what people think of me. I think it has something to do with how I was raised or what not. I would really like to know more about psychomotor therapy if anyone knows anything about it. Actually I'm going to say something on here I'm scared to because of what people might think of me. I've always wanted to be able to stand up like a man a use the restroom. I think it's unfair that they can just go outside whenever they want with the ease that they have as long as it is a private area. For women we either have to squat in bushes (hope there's no poisonous plants) or walk all the way to a restroom somewhere. I'm speaking like when going camping or what not. I also think that bathrooms should be unisex and that there should be separate bathrooms for children and families. (This already exists in a lot of places I know). I don't think it's fair that men get done going to the bathroom so much faster and they don't have to deal with urinary tract infections as often. Oh and they usually don't have to use toilet paper. I am a large sufferer of urinary tract infections so maybe this is why I see all of this unfairness in toiletry operations but I just do. And there should be something out there that can help women get past the unfairness of it all. As for the statement, "All is fair in love in war," well, I've always hated it. I feel this world is based on mathematical principles. Since math is fair always fair, so should the world. And fairness constitutes having things go the way you want them to. I've read this is called street smarts, being able to manipulate things to the way you want them to (just a random thought).

Okay, guess that's all for now.

[SonoranBob]

Originally Posted by niche

I was being practical and stating that I would get the 7 passenger vehicle, together we have 5 children, and he could get a hybrid or something. No. He wants a jeep. I told him it wasn't fair for him to get the vehicle he wants while I'm stuck with the soccer mom vehicle.

I had to read this two or three times to even guess at what your problem is. You can both afford to have your own vehicles and they do what you need them to do ... what's the problem. Then I think I got a glimmer of it -- tell me if I'm wrong. You don't like that you've got the practical vehicle you NEED and he got the fun vehicle he WANTS. And of course this is all because he's a man and doesn't care.

Seems a little small to me that you begrudge your lover any nice thing that you can't have. But maybe that's just me.

Maybe you should buy a sports car and tell the kids to walk. Build their character. Doesn't it occur to you that the horrible sacrifice of driving an SUV comes with some perks? Like those kids you presumably wanted to have?

All I know is that as a man, I'm glad I don't have to walk on eggs around you. I mean, in this particular case I would luck out because I'd get a hatchback or something practical anyway ... I don't happen to care that much about cars. But I'm sure you'd find something to read into something I'd enjoy unless you could get your "fair share".

Originally Posted by niche

As of now, I guess in family only, I'm a Christian, but I've coined the term non-denominational to mean that sure I believe in God and the devil but I'm free to do whatever I want. But this is not exactly working out for me because it seems hypocritical and I'm not liking that.

I'm given to understand that these days fully 20 percent of Americans consider themselves "spiritual but not religious". Maybe you are ready to find your own spiritual path instead of having it spoon-fed to you.

Originally Posted by niche

Also, since I've been looking into the subject of men and women, I have found approximately 1 in every 3 women I have talked to about the subject wishes she were in some way "like" a man. Maybe not be a man, but at least have what a man has.

If you invite people to grouse, they will grouse. It's human nature. You're fishing for what you want to hear and then emphasizing it.

Don't you think that if I went out and interviewed 100 men, at least 33 of them would say they wish they could in "some" way be "like" a woman? Have the privilege to be incomprehensibly irrational, change their minds seemingly at random, avoid hard labor, demand to be treated like a queen and still have a free pass to bitch? I can just hear it now. I could get a group of them going.

This proves nothing. The grass is always greener on the other side, until you go there.

Originally Posted by niche

I've always wanted to be able to stand up like a man a use the restroom. I think it's unfair that they can just go outside whenever they want with the ease [long list of grievances] ... And there should be something out there that can help women get past the unfairness of it all.

Now women should have therapy to overcome the trauma of not being a man?? I don't even know how to respond to that. Other than to advise you to watch The Full Monty and pay close attention as one of the female characters shows you how to pee standing up -- in a men's urinal, no less.

You could also consider a gender change.

It would seem much simpler and straightforward, though, to let the self-loathing go and accept yourself for what you are. Let your female radiance strike all the men down maybe.

Originally Posted by niche

As for the statement, "All is fair in love in war," well, I've always hated it. I feel this world is based on mathematical principles. Since math is fair always fair, so should the world. And fairness constitutes having things go the way you want them to. I've read this is called street smarts, being able to manipulate things to the way you want them to (just a random thought).

Math is fair until it gives you an answer you think is unfair. For example, if you have a 2% chance of dying painfully from, say, cancer, is that fair? Especially if you fall into the 2 percent!

You are bemoaning things that you can't change. Your gender. Your boyfriend's preference in cars. Your urinary tract. The fact that life isn't neat and tidy and fair but in fact is messy and uncertain and is sometimes aggressively unfair. For all of us.

Wah. Applying your logic, I don't want you to have a penis, a jeep, and have everything go your way. Not until my wife is resurrected from the dead and healed, and my life is rewound by at least three decades so I can relive it without all the mistakes I've ever made. Oh, and Hillary just phoned and said she wants the nomination first. And ... wait ... my phone is ringing off the hook....

Originally Posted by niche

Okay, guess that's all for now.

No, please, do go on ... this is fascinating.

--Bob

[SomeRandomGuy]

Originally Posted by niche

Why as the female should I have to drive the 7 seater and he can drive a jeep around all the time.

Many people consider cars to be manly. Men are perceived as caring more for their cars, and having strong feeling as to what car they drive. It sounds to me as though your boyfriend is thinking along those terms. It seems that since he has a strong opinion about the car he wants, he should get it. Since women don't normally have such strong opinions regarding cars, you should be happy with driving what is practical.

I have never actually understood why people view cars in this way, but I have seen it time after time. It seems full of hypocrisy to me. A few things stand out in particular about this situation:

1) Neither partner in a relationship should be forced to drive a car they don't want, while the other partner is able to drive the car they do want. Granted, these are just cars, but this seems to be an indicator of how other things in the relationship would go. I have to think that maybe there is some compromise that can be made. Maybe he could get a fuel efficient car that is somewhat similar to a Jeep.

2) Your boyfriend's solution of both of you getting the car you want seems to indicate that he is willing to make bad decisions so he can get what he wants. Obviously having to drive two vehicles anytime you all go somewhere together is impractical, especially since you have an option that would allow you to ride in one vehicle. This would concern me that having the car he wants seems so important to him.

3) If you are getting these cars together, as a couple, why not make them both "our" cars instead of "my" car and "his" car? It seems to me that as a couple, you are looking at having two cars. I would suggest determining what you need in your vehicles, and choose based on that. For example, my wife and I decided we needed a small fuel efficient car for everyday driving and also a truck for hauling things, towing, etc. We have a car and a truck, which we both like. We drive the car as a primary vehicle (regardless of who is driving). If we both need to drive we look at who is driving farther, who is going to have passengers, etc to determine who drives which vehicle. I drive the car the majority of the time, but it isn't "my car".

It sounds like you are making some progress. I wish you the best of luck.

[SomeRandomGuy]

Also, there are products designed to help women pee standing up. I have no idea if they work, but they do exist. here is a link to one such product Whizzy lets you pee standing up! - female urinary aids for adventurous, sanitary-minded, or disabled women.

[niche]

Okay, I will.

Why shouldn't I currently want everything that I want. It's just been the past few days that I've even been standing up for what I want. This is not just about a car. This about him getting everything he wants while I sacrifice my time for him. This is about me not getting the things I want because I don't want to make him angry. This is about me trying to get past everything that I've learned in my life of how to be and how not to be. And so what I hear you saying is this:

Let your boyfriend have everything he wants. You should just take it cause you're life is better than a lot of women out there. You shouldn't even have one thing you like because you might be taking it away from your boyfriend who deserves everything in this world-NOT YOU! ----(Gee, I'm such a stupid b*&%$)-----That's all you are in life. You're just a dog. Good thing you've finally noticed. ------(Nope, sorry, I've noticed this my whole life)-------Quit you're whining about how you're life is so pitiful because you don't get any respect. You don't deserve it! Now f*&% off you stupid b&^%$ and lie down like the piece of s^&% you are!

Did that about cover it? Did you get you right? Did I miss anything? Sorry bud, but I'm so used to men like you. You're all the same.

[SonoranBob]

Originally Posted by SomeRandomGuy

Neither partner in a relationship should be forced to drive a car they don't want, while the other partner is able to drive the car they do want.

Neither partner should force something unwanted onto the other, but sometimes circumstances force unwanted things or compromises on us and as responsible, mature adults we suck it up and do what we have to do. Also sometimes our choices (such as the choice to have children) come with downsides (the necessity for a less fun, more practical vehicle).

In such cases, one would think that the last thing on the mind of two loving partners is to blame each other and bicker. "Not fair! Is so! Is not!"

Originally Posted by SomeRandomGuy

Your boyfriend's solution of both of you getting the car you want seems to indicate that he is willing to make bad decisions so he can get what he wants.

Sounds to me more like a clumsy way of pointing out the absurdity and pettiness of what he's being accused of. But I grant you, he could handle it better.

Originally Posted by SomeRandomGuy

If you are getting these cars together, as a couple, why not make them both "our" cars instead of "my" car and "his" car?

Seems logical but the success of this idea depends on the maturity of both partners. Intuitively, both may sense that if they never have "their" car to drive then they are going to have to engage in endless fisticuffs over things like how the last person to drive it left the gas tank too empty or the car to littered. Considering how these two are looking for offenses to take up, it seems like they might not be able to share anything, much less a car.

--Bob

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by SonoranBob

Also sometimes our choices (such as the choice to have children) come with downsides (the necessity for a less fun, more practical vehicle).

I think her point is that they both have kids, yet she is the only one feeling the downsides. Some of these kids are his, not hers (and no, that doesn't mean anything other than the fact that this guy has kids too). Sure it may be mature of her to suck it up, but it may be mature of him to do the same.

[SomeRandomGuy]

Originally Posted by SonoranBob

Also sometimes our choices (such as the choice to have children) come with downsides (the necessity for a less fun, more practical vehicle).

You are right. Sometimes we, as adults, have to face the consequences of our choices, even if that means a less fun, more practical vehicle. Why, though, should the OP be the one to face these consequences and not her boyfriend also? What would be the rationale for him being able to drive the car he chooses and her being forced into the practical vehicle? Please don't tell me it is because she is a woman.

[niche]

Originally Posted by SomeRandomGuy

Many people consider cars to be manly. Men are perceived as caring more for their cars, and having strong feeling as to what car they drive. It sounds to me as though your boyfriend is thinking along those terms. It seems that since he has a strong opinion about the car he wants, he should get it. Since women don't normally have such strong opinions regarding cars, you should be happy with driving what is practical.

I have never actually understood why people view cars in this way, but I have seen it time after time. It seems full of hypocrisy to me. A few things stand out in particular about this situation:

1) Neither partner in a relationship should be forced to drive a car they don't want, while the other partner is able to drive the car they do want. Granted, these are just cars, but this seems to be an indicator of how other things in the relationship would go. I have to think that maybe there is some compromise that can be made. Maybe he could get a fuel efficient car that is somewhat similar to a Jeep.

2) Your boyfriend's solution of both of you getting the car you want seems to indicate that he is willing to make bad decisions so he can get what he wants. Obviously having to drive two vehicles anytime you all go somewhere together is impractical, especially since you have an option that would allow you to ride in one vehicle. This would concern me that having the car he wants seems so important to him.

3) If you are getting these cars together, as a couple, why not make them both "our" cars instead of "my" car and "his" car? It seems to me that as a couple, you are looking at having two cars. I would suggest determining what you need in your vehicles, and choose based on that. For example, my wife and I decided we needed a small fuel efficient car for everyday driving and also a truck for hauling things, towing, etc. We have a car and a truck, which we both like. We drive the car as a primary vehicle (regardless of who is driving). If we both need to drive we look at who is driving farther, who is going to have passengers, etc to determine who drives which vehicle. I drive the car the majority of the time, but it isn't "my car".

It sounds like you are making some progress. I wish you the best of luck.

You seem like a really sensible man. Thank you for seeing this not as just a random situation but a situation that tends to happen frequently in the relationship. I've had many thoughts that he is not the right person for me, but I'm thinking he is the best I could ever have. As my mom says, "He's the best I'm every gonna get." He doesn't hit me, nor does he force himself on me. He does tend to be rather selfish but I would rather live with this than end up with another man that has anger management issues and hits me a lot or forces himself on me. I've just been thinking lately that his selfishness is only because I don't stand up for what I want, but I'm not sure if that's it either. Again, if I have my rathers I'll take selfish over violent. I've tried to talk reason to him using suggestions similar to what you've stated over many different topics. You know, just trying to take the reasonable or logical route so that both are satisfied. But he doesn't agree to these things. It's either his way or the high way so to speak.

[Playlife]

One or two things about urinating...

Sure I can urinate while standing, but it's not so straightforward. I only do it when I'm out in the woods or something. When I have a clean toilet at hand, I always sit. More comfortable. But not only that. I don't know about other guys, but for me at least, the foreskin causes the "stream" to swirl or change direction very fast, or split the stream into two. When sitting on the pot, it doesn't matter if it splits or swirls or whatever.

Also, usually, I do use toilet paper when urinating. I mean, the pee doesn't just vaporize when I put my tool back to the pants. So it makes sense to clean up a bit.

[SomeRandomGuy]

It sounds like you are willing to settle for him because you either don't think you can get someone betteror don't feel you deserve someone better. I think you are selling yourself short, and are undervaluing yourself. I don't think anyone should settle for a relationship that they are unhappy with. I especially don't think that you should settle for someone because you don't feel you can get anyone better. This sounds very similar to the arguments given by domestic abuse victims, who stay in the relationship because they have been convinced that no one else would have them.

I hope that you are able to find your direction, and learn to be happy with who you are (and change those things you cannot be happy with). I have wasted a lot of my life living a life I was not entirely happy with. Fortunately I had a great wife who played a tremendous role in keeping me going in the right direction. This site has been a huge help to me in my search for who I am and who I want to be. I just hope that I can say something to someone on these forums to help them in the ways that other members have helped me.

[SonoranBob]

Originally Posted by niche

Why shouldn't I currently want everything that I want.

You can and should want anything you choose to. However, you cannot have everything you want, when you want it.

Originally Posted by niche

It's just been the past few days that I've even been standing up for what I want. This is not just about a car.

Men are simple creatures. To your guy, it's all about the car, because it's what you're talking about. Men just don't get it unless you spell it out in plain English. One of the biggest mistakes women tend to make is to assume that if their guy loved them and respected them he would intuit everything without her having to be specific.

We. Don't. Do. Intuition.

Originally Posted by niche

This about him getting everything he wants while I sacrifice my time for him.

Does he get everything he wants, while you never get anything you want? If so, why did you chose to be in this relationship? And if he's that perfectly selfish, why would you even try to change him? Especially by browbeating him? That is particularly ineffective with men for some reason.

Originally Posted by niche

This is about me not getting the things I want because I don't want to make him angry. This is about me trying to get past everything that I've learned in my life of how to be and how not to be.

So he's manipulating you with his anger? Or are you just afraid of displeasing him? The answer to the question is crucial. Does he or does he not love you for who you are? Or are you projecting that on him? Both are possible.

Originally Posted by niche

And so what I hear you saying is this:
Let your boyfriend have everything he wants.

Never said that. I don't have the context to know if this is some kind of straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back scenario. Maybe I do you a disservice by presuming you're just a spoiled, whiny person (spoiled and whiny doesn't play well in either gender and gender has nothing to do with it). Maybe this is a true, Peter Finch, I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore moment. If that's what you have to do to take back your life, it's what you have to do.

Originally Posted by niche

You should just take it cause you're life is better than a lot of women out there.

The old admonishment "you should eat this food you hate because there are children starving in India who would be grateful for it" has never impressed me either.

Originally Posted by niche

You shouldn't even have one thing you like because you might be taking it away from your boyfriend who deserves everything in this world

Carefully read what I wrote. You will not find even a hint of such a patently ridiculous suggestion. You should both get enough things that you want to make your life as compelling as possible. But it's not a zero-sum game based on jealousy and resentment. It requires a long view, not a view that takes one incident and absolutizes it as emblematic of the whole relationship. Also, even if things have been out of balance, you can't realistically expect to change it 100% instantly so you have to pick your battles.

Originally Posted by niche

That's all you are in life. You're just a dog.

This is your interior dialogue, not mine.

Originally Posted by niche

Quit your whining about how you're life is so pitiful because you don't get any respect. You don't deserve it!

No, quit your whining about how your life is so much more pitiful than everyone else's. Don't assume that the rest of the world gets everything they want, hope for, or even need.

Your life is not what you want, probably not even what you need, maybe not even what you deserve. But you're not being picked on. Some of your suffering is self-inflicted. Some of it is inflicted by others. You have the power to change both but it won't happen by shaking your fist at the universe and demanding that LIFE change for YOU. Regrettably, it falls to us to conform to reality, not the reverse. We have to adapt. Meekly accepting abuse is one way to adapt amongst many, but I'm not in any way recommending it. There are much better adaptations.

Your thought is that all men are bastards, particularly if they aren't impressed with your drama. What would you be without that thought? How would you feel without it? Is the thought making you feel better about yourself or about life? Is it changing the men in your life? Is it erasing your past? I didn't think so.

This thought is just a thought. It is not you. It is not your identity unless you choose to make it your identity.

--Bob

[Holistic Star]

Hi niche,

Something in your long post caught my eye and I thought you might be interested.

You said you had urinary tract infections, and it reminded me of Louise Hay and how our body speaks to us in metaphors about what is wrong with us emotionally.

I looked up urinary infections in You can Heal Your Life
well how about this

Problem:
Urinary Infections

Prob