Rebuilding social life, need conducive ambitions

[LackingDirection]

Hi,

I haven't got around to writing an introduction, but thought I would jump in with a question regardless. In fact this post has become incredibly long winded even without a comprehensive background... I hope someone has the time to read through all this and make some sense of it.

I'm 19, up until a couple of years ago I had slowly become depressed and isolated over several years. During this period I withdrew into the internet and games in particular. Over the past couple of years through hard work and good fortune I have been slowly building and rebuilding my shattered self-esteem and life in general.

But recently I have found myself lacking the motivation to go out with my friends (It is still awkward for me, I am far from in control of my life). I don't know whether I believe it or whether I have convinced myself of it, but I don't seem to enjoy just going down to the pub, having a few and stumbling for a kebab (Which I can't have due to gluten allergies) and getting a taxi home. I suffer with quite severe acne, and I have been trying cleanses and sugar-free diets to undo the damage I have done to my body over the past few years. Recently I've been trying to avoid alcohol for the most part as well.
I don't think drinking is all my friends do (They are incredibly considerate, I hadn't seen them in years, but they still let me go out with them) but I lack confidence in my ability to go out and be independent outside of that routine.

The other problem I am having is, during my depression I became interested in making computer games (I found this forum through IndieGamer and its roots in Steve Pavlina's game company). I have been teaching myself Flash programming and I have a game coming along steadily. However I can't help but notice when I am in programming, I am missing out on chances to build my social skills, and recently having lacked motivation to socialise, programming is all I have been doing (If only I could use the motivation I have to create games for building my life!). I don't know whether I have enough discipline to get out into the world whilst managing to indulge in game development.

This realisation is quite painful to me, I have lots of ideas, many planned out in detail that I hoped one day I could fulfil. From years of lurking I feel I have a good understanding of the possibilities in online gaming and part of me thinks I could make a decent living at it.

During my more depressed years I used to play an online game and before I got back to reality I wanted to get really good at it and leave my mark. But I realised, what does it matter what these online gamers think of me? I moved on and never looked back.
I feel the same way about the game development scene, when I see the people behind games, they don't seem like the sort of individuals I want to align myself with. Part of me still thinks I am part of some kind of childish social ladder, not wanting to be a "nerd".

My other interest at the moment is marketing, maybe it would be better suited to this point in my life. The only problem is I don't have any relevant qualifications so I might have to go either into an incredibly low and boring 1 year college course (I just did one in Art and it's put me off completely) or a institute course probably with a bunch of middle aged women. I don't know whether I could allow myself to become a just another corporate cog, though.

Maybe all I need is to better plan my goals. Maybe my motivation has subsided because I can't appreciate how far I've come and the need to make smaller, quantifiable steps.

I think I need someone to kick my ass and either tell me to move on from games (I don't even play many games, I just have always had a fascination with making them) or keep me motivated to socialise. I guess that person will have to be me.

Thank you

Edit: Two things I would like to add... I think the problem is instead of getting bored watching TV, I tend to use that time programming. I think this reduces my motivation to get out because I don't allow myself to feel restless.
And a while back on a nice sunny day I went out with my college mates and we threw an American football around. I had the confidence to really take part for some reason, and being outside doing sports seemed to make me feel more confident than I have felt in a very long time. Like when I was much younger skateboarding or playing football. Don't know how relevant that is, just throwing out these ideas so I have them written down somewhere.

[Lauxa]

I think you should keep developing games because programming is at least a valuable skill that will serve you in life. Going out and drinking beers with friends is all right, but you'll never make a living from it. Plus, you are obviously motivated to create these games and it seems well-suited to your personality right now. I don't want to see you switch to marketing and then hate it because you don't really like people, you just think you should.

Could you join a sports league or maybe just get out for a regularly scheduled pickup game of some sport? If you join a league, making the commitment to your teammates might give you enough motivation to get out there and see people.

[Jross22]

It's okay to be mostly reclusive. You enjoy making your games, and it's a useful skill as long as you keep pushing a bit.

What you need is variety. You might join some kind of club, might join a club of LOCAL aspiring game programmers. (Advertise for new members if none exists.) You would likely meet a couple times a week, and I.M. now and again.

If you want to take a different job type, you might try part time work.

In any case, good luck have fun.

Oh, just read the edit part. Try joining some kind of regular sports situation like a bowling league or such. You shouldn't fill all your time with "social" activities unless they work for you, but instead may just want to have something regularly scheduled, working on your social fitness the way that you might go to the gym.