How do I...

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

...put myself first?

I feel as though my whole life has been about doing things for other people, worrying about whether they have what they need, making sure that they are comfortable and supported. I believe that helping others and giving of yourself is a worthy thing, however I know that I cannot be doing it selflessly because I am resentful. If I am honest, I always expect something in return. I expect that the people I give of myself for will in return care about what I need and help me to achieve it. Of course that's not always the case. More often than not they don't even seem to notice that I've drained myself in order to fill them up.

The thing is, I know that this is my responsibility. Were I to make my own well-being a priority I feel that I would have even more to give and in addition would not feel so slighted when it's not reciprocated. My fear (which has been "proven" through experience) is that when I attempt to do for myself or reject people's claims on my time for whatever reason, they lash out and even leave me.

This feels like an extension of "I am nothing" which I've worked with Angela's coaching on and had great revelations and breakthroughs. I've got my inspirational alternatives to generate: freedom, surrender, acceptance, openness, love. It just seems like I can't generate them for myself, maybe because I don't know how. My default mode is "whatever everyone else wants" to the point where I don't even know who I am or what I want anymore. I find that nothing seems to excite me. I don't know what I'd do with time if I had it. This has been made clear in the past few days as my boyfriend has been spending time with friends and family. I find myself feeling resentful that he doesn't want to be here with me. I find myself suspicious of how he's spending his time even though he's been very open with me and has called and kept in touch (unlike in the past). I know he's trying very hard and can't understand why I feel so depressed. I know from reading around here and just from personal experience that this will doom our relationship if I don't take care of it. He's really good at making sure he gets what he needs. He just does it with no apologies.

So, if you've made it this far, I guess I'm looking for some advice on how to transition to being the kind of person who doesn't feel badly for putting her own mask on first. How do I even find what I like? I know it sounds ridiculous, but I can't think of one thing I enjoy doing...I've lived so long in everyone else's needs and activities. I'm always the one going along, and since I've trained everyone to think of me this way when I do voice an opinion there's no real force behind it. People seem almost offended.

I went out to get myself some food and when I got back I had a card in the mail from one of my oldest friends. I thought it would be a birthday card since she'll be out of the country for school project on my birthday, but it was a thank you note. She thanked me basically for being her friend and for all I've done for her (which is admittedly a lot). It brought me to tears because I love being that person for the people I love. It's so rewarding to know that I've had an impact, and I know that I have. I just want to be that person out of love rather than to prove I am not nothing. I want to feel good about myself and have the courage to find and do what I need for myself so that when I give I can do it without desperately needing anything in return.

I've been composing this post in my head for most of the day, so it's not really cohesive, but hopefully it makes enough sense. I will be back to look for your replies. Thank you so much for listening to me generously.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Putting Her in the Number One Spot: Biggest Dating/Relationship Mistakes Part Five | Inner game Reframe

it's an article on how and why to put yourself first.

[uberinquisitive]

Your current question: how do I not feel guilty about putting myself first?

The real question: why do I rely on others to fill me up? What happened in your past that made you believe this?

Once you come up with answers to the real question, and really work through that - you will make some significant progress.

[seeker5]

Hi Aspiring,

Read your post, and thought it was intelligently well written and was impressed at how you're so open and so willing to share those very intimate thoughts. It's smart of you too to want to address those issuess you addressed.

As for suggestion, hmmm, I'm not sure. I do know when I read the novel "Atlas Shrugged" a number of years ago, I started being able to justify a lot more putting myself first (ie, being selfish) then I had before. Have you read it?

[dancer]

Hi Aspiring,

I, too, can suffer from balancing the emotional scorecard. How are you with receiving help when it's offered? Do you accept it well, or do you feel unworthy of it? I have trouble receiving help from people I know and it feels like my pride blocks me. With strangers I give and accept freely, there is no scorecard.

Recently, I've received quite a bit of practical help from people in my life and instead of protesting, like I normally would, I have accepted their help with gratitude. I've even asked for help. It feels uncomfortable, but at the sametime freeing. When I've done this, I've also noticed the gratitude in others in my allowing them to help me. This leads me to wonder if my pride has robbed the people in my life from the gift of giving. I also wonder about the vibes I give off in being this prideful person who is willing to help others but not able to receive help.

Is there something in you, which is giving off a vibe that you don't want or need help?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

The real question: why do I rely on others to fill me up?

Well, that's part of the question I think. I know why I do it, but I just don't know how to change it. I find a lot of resistance to any attempt I make to assert myself and as I said, I barely even know where to start on deciding what I really want and how to go about getting it???

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Have you read it?

I haven't read it, no. It's always been on the periphery of my "to read" list. I'll check it out. Thanks.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by dancer

Hi Aspiring,

I, too, can suffer from balancing the emotional scorecard. How are you with receiving help when it's offered? Do you accept it well, or do you feel unworthy of it? I have trouble receiving help from people I know and it feels like my pride blocks me. With strangers I give and accept freely, there is no scorecard.

Recently, I've received quite a bit of practical help from people in my life and instead of protesting, like I normally would, I have accepted their help with gratitude. I've even asked for help. It feels uncomfortable, but at the sametime freeing. When I've done this, I've also noticed the gratitude in others in my allowing them to help me. This leads me to wonder if my pride has robbed the people in my life from the gift of giving. I also wonder about the vibes I give off in being this prideful person who is willing to help others but not able to receive help.

Is there something in you, which is giving off a vibe that you don't want or need help?

That's something to think about. I think I do block people when they try to help me because I feel guilty for taking things from other people. My boyfriend gets angry because he says I let people take advantage of me, but I feel that it's right to take care of the people you love even though I also have these feelings of being used or being resentful that it's not reciprocated.

I will think about what you said some more. Thank you.

[uberinquisitive]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I know why I do it, but I just don't know how to change it. I find a lot of resistance to any attempt I make to assert myself and as I said, I barely even know where to start on deciding what I really want and how to go about getting it???

Why don't you download this hypnosis bundle for assertiveness training. It's less than $35, and has a 100% money back guarantee.

Acting Like Godot recommended this site, and I've tried out two other programs (finishing what I start, writing book). I listened to each mp3 twice about a month-and-half ago.

Since then, I finished a 3rd revision of a screenplay, submitted that screenplay to a prestigious contest, and submitted a short story to a contest. I have never been so productive in such a short period of time.

Now, I did do a lot of EFT, TAT, and BSFF during this time also - but I definitely feel that the hypnosis mp3 were a great addition to the other techniques.

I downloaded five more mp3's just now (mainly fear of success and fear of failure) - I'm stoked to see how the next month will look!

[carenkh]

aspiring, I have only a few minutes, but wanted to offer my experience. When I first started looking within, I was intimidated by how it seemed like there was nothing there! I had spent such a long time being a chameleon, trying to be whatever I thought the people around me wanted me to be, that there was very little me there.

BUT - I did start to look within. And ask - what do *I* want? How do *I* feel? What do *I* think? And, little by little, that space started to fill. It didn't happen overnight, it's like I had to build that muscle. And now, despite occasionally getting caught up in comparing myself to others, I am fully there! As fully as I can be.

Something I found out through my work with Angela - when I am fully me, fully behind what I am doing, there is SO MUCH MORE energy behind my actions. It's like ten-fold energy. Energy to the tenth - would that be one-hundred fold? So I can say that your desire to help others will be really strengthened and energized by this work, getting to know and honoring yourself. It might mean you won't help everyone - but the people you do help will get the full benefit of YOU being YOU. Powerful stuff!

Thanks for doing this! I love you!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

Why don't you download this hypnosis bundle for assertiveness training. It's less than $35, and has a 100% money back guarantee.

Thanks for the link and let me know how you do with those others you've downloaded!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by carenkh

aspiring, I have only a few minutes, but wanted to offer my experience. When I first started looking within, I was intimidated by how it seemed like there was nothing there! I had spent such a long time being a chameleon, trying to be whatever I thought the people around me wanted me to be, that there was very little me there.

BUT - I did start to look within. And ask - what do *I* want? How do *I* feel? What do *I* think? And, little by little, that space started to fill. It didn't happen overnight, it's like I had to build that muscle. And now, despite occasionally getting caught up in comparing myself to others, I am fully there! As fully as I can be.

Something I found out through my work with Angela - when I am fully me, fully behind what I am doing, there is SO MUCH MORE energy behind my actions. It's like ten-fold energy. Energy to the tenth - would that be one-hundred fold? So I can say that your desire to help others will be really strengthened and energized by this work, getting to know and honoring yourself. It might mean you won't help everyone - but the people you do help will get the full benefit of YOU being YOU. Powerful stuff!

Thanks for doing this! I love you!

Thank you for your insight. I love you too! And I do feel like a chameleon right now. My boyfriend and I even had a big fight last night and spilling over into this morning because I told him about one particular thing I wanted to change which hurt his feelings. I am just not sure how to go about making these changes (I think in this case I just communicated it badly at a time when we are both really stressed), but at least I will start with trying to find out what I want and who I am.

[Rose of Cairo]

In fact I just wanted to sneak into your thread to send some love to you. But then I saw this:

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I think I do block people when they try to help me because I feel guilty for taking things from other people.

That's something I can relate to very well. However, think about this: if you feel guilty for taking things away from other people, it means that what they have is limited, right? If they had unlimited resources, you wouldn't feel bad about taking some. Which means that the message you're conveying to them is one of scarcity. You're telling them "you don't have much." This repeated message does influence their mindset about themselves!

It's kind of you, given how poor they are, to treat their resources with care - but wouldn't it be even kinder to let them be rich?

If you love them, create a reality of abundance for them. Take what they give you generously and happily, and trust that they will be taken care of, just like you are.

dancer's right, when you refuse to take what they want to give, you rob them from the joy of giving, and you rob them from living in a universe of abundance. So by not wanting to take anything away from them, you're in fact taking a lot more away from them!

I'm saying this for myself as much as for you, as I'm struggling with the same issue

Hug.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thank you sweet Rose.

[Lauxa]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

However, think about this: if you feel guilty for taking things away from other people, it means that what they have is limited, right? If they had unlimited resources, you wouldn't feel bad about taking some. Which means that the message you're conveying to them is one of scarcity. You're telling them "you don't have much." This repeated message does influence their mindset about themselves!

Wow, that was a message I needed to hear. I have a friend who is always struggling financially and I always feel bad taking from him, sometimes refusing his help or not wanting to let him even pay his own way if we go out to a restaurant or something. I never thought about how this attitude is reinforcing his self-image of not having enough. Thank you for the insight!

aspiring, maybe you could use the same trick I used on my social thread and even though you cannot imagine a single thing you enjoy doing you can imagine being able to imagine it and then feel the good feelings that come from that imagining. That would help you to open up to the feelings of excitement and passion and once you open up to the feelings then the specifics are sure to follow!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

aspiring, maybe you could use the same trick I used on my social thread and even though you cannot imagine a single thing you enjoy doing you can imagine being able to imagine it and then feel the good feelings that come from that imagining. That would help you to open up to the feelings of excitement and passion and once you open up to the feelings then the specifics are sure to follow!

That sounds good. I know that I can imagine feeling good about something and maybe just that will get me into a state where I can find the actual things that would bring the good feelings...basically what you just said...I don't know why I'm repeating it .

[Dan.Linehan]

Hey aspiring,

I'll tell you how this worked for me.

I kept on helping people. Over and over. But things never worked out as well as I thought they would. Eventually, and it took years, I realized that it's best to put my own interests first. Not only for myself, but for the other people around me too.

It sounds like you are trying to jump ahead to the end point where you really know this for sure. I'm not sure you can skip ahead per se. You have to get fed up with failing to get there.

I think smoking pot greatly stunted my growth in this area. Something about pot kept me from learning and growing emotionally the way I should have. I couldn't analyze trends the way I can now.

A lot of emotional development is getting to the point where you are fed up with the way things are. That requires zero tolerance for escapism. You just have to be ready to move on.

For me to get to this state I needed to clearly remember the incidents that got me there. Sometimes they were small things, little details, a glance, or a pause in conversation that telegraphed someone's true intentions. Little things that made me really understand it was time to move on, in earnest, with my own projects. Personally, I couldn't get to that point while smoking pot, not even when I was only smoking occasionally. And I smoked occasionally for a long time.

Staying sober was difficult for me, reality is pretty harsh sometimes. But that harshness is really a signal of what you need to change. Pain is a guiding light -- don't fog it up.

That's my advice.

Good luck.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

It sounds like you are trying to jump to the end point, where you really know this for sure. I'm not sure you can skip ahead.

In the interest of effective communication could you explain what you mean by this a little more?

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

What I will say -- and don't take this the wrong way -- is that smoking pot greatly stunted my growth in this area. Something about pot keeps you from learning or growing emotionally - from learning about trends the way you should.

A lot of emotional develop is getting to the point where you are "fed up," lower case, with the way things are. Not angry, just ready to move on. To get to this state you need to remember, clearly, the incidents that got you there. That made you understand it was time to move ahead. Personally, I couldn't get to that point while smoking pot, not even occasionally. And I smoked for a long time.

You know I actually don't take that the wrong way because I know that you say it out of experience and concern. The funny thing is that this is coming up at a time when I haven't smoked at all for a few days. Maybe that means something? The thing that I struggle with is that these things existed long before I started smoking so I wasn't sure what place that held in this chicken-egg kind of situation.

I feel FED UP, angry but not sure how to fix it. Say I quit smoking...what next?

ETA: You are quick and sly on the edit

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Oh, and this may be a dumb question, but do you drink at all?

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

ETA: You are quick and sly on the edit

You are too fast for my obsessive editing skills. I think I'm done now.

FED UP doesn't work unfortunately. Has to be "over and done." Small case.