How do I...

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

What if a lot of the pain is self-generated? How do you know it's authentic?

Self-generated pain is still genuine -- maybe even more so than other types. Still needs examined, still needs resolved with love and time.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

I found that generally when I was testing or judging someone else I was really projecting my own self judgment onto them. To remedy that, now when I feel the impulse to call someone out on something I immediately direct the exact same question or judgment back towards myself.

What about in situations where you can't find it in yourself? Would it have to be the same behavior or just something related in some way?

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

What about in situations where you can't find it in yourself? Would it have to be the same behavior or just something related in some way?

If I couldn't find it in myself -- then I would start worrying about who I'm hanging out with.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Were I to make my own well-being a priority I feel that I would have even more to give and in addition would not feel so slighted when it's not reciprocated.

I agree!

My fear (which has been "proven" through experience) is that when I attempt to do for myself or reject people's claims on my time for whatever reason, they lash out and even leave me.

Your fear probably is justified. I mean, if for years you've lived only for the needs of others, they've gotten used to it. And some of them probably are people that were attracted exactly by your putting yourself second. So when you'll start putting yourself first, you'll probably get negative reactions, yes, and maybe even lose some friends. Are you willing to accept that, or will you let fear run you?

My default mode is "whatever everyone else wants" to the point where I don't even know who I am or what I want anymore. I find that nothing seems to excite me. I don't know what I'd do with time if I had it.

Hmmm... sounds really trivial, but, how about just trying some random things out? Sign up for salsa classes, go to the movies alone, imitate other people's hobbies, till you get a feeling for what is more "you"? Hehe, sorry, I have no better advice!

So, if you've made it this far, I guess I'm looking for some advice on how to transition to being the kind of person who doesn't feel badly for putting her own mask on first.

Maybe realize that the very best thing you can do for others is to be happy yourself?

I just want to be that person out of love rather than to prove I am not nothing. I want to feel good about myself and have the courage to find and do what I need for myself so that when I give I can do it without desperately needing anything in return.

That's so beautifully said!

[uberinquisitive]

Is there absolutely nothing you enjoy doing?

Do you love food? Perhaps you can take lessons at a culinary school?
Do you enjoy reading? Perhaps you can learn how to write books?
Do you enjoy helping children? Perhaps you can learn to be a social worker?

What do you look forward to doing?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

Is there absolutely nothing you enjoy doing?

Do you love food? Perhaps you can take lessons at a culinary school?
Do you enjoy reading? Perhaps you can learn how to write books?
Do you enjoy helping children? Perhaps you can learn to be a social worker?

What do you look forward to doing?

Right now, I don't get much enjoyment out of anything. Things that used to make me really excited don't. I feel apathetic.

I've always loved reading, but now when I pick up a book it seems like a chore. I go to the beach and think "I should be having more fun" because I love the sand and the sound of the ocean.

I love kids, but even seeing my neice doesn't fill me with as much joy as I feel it should and it scares me.

I have thought that it's my job that's depressing me to some extent, but without a passion to turn to I don't see what to do about it. If I had an idea of something I loved and wanted to do I would quit right this minute. No point in quiting this job just to get another mindless one.

I think that my problems are deeper than resentment at doing things for other people .

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Your fear probably is justified. I mean, if for years you've lived only for the needs of others, they've gotten used to it. And some of them probably are people that were attracted exactly by your putting yourself second. So when you'll start putting yourself first, you'll probably get negative reactions, yes, and maybe even lose some friends. Are you willing to accept that, or will you let fear run you?

You know, I am willing to accept in more in some cases than in others. I think I've gotten to the "fed up" point with some people while with other I do still fear losing them.

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Hmmm... sounds really trivial, but, how about just trying some random things out? Sign up for salsa classes, go to the movies alone, imitate other people's hobbies, till you get a feeling for what is more "you"? Hehe, sorry, I have no better advice!

I think that is good advice. I know that I won't be inspired by just sitting around!

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Maybe realize that the very best thing you can do for others is to be happy yourself?

That's very true. And then I feel guilty that I'm not happy because I know how it affects me and everyone around me. I feel devoid of the energy to stay in a state of happiness. I feel like I want someone to carry me for a while, but does 100% responsibility allow that? It doesn't seem like it would. And here I still feel like it may be due to giving the majority of my energy to a job that doesn't express me, but I don't know.

This thread is kind of going everywhere but I'm greatful because I just want to get this all sorted out.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

dancer's right, when you refuse to take what they want to give, you rob them from the joy of giving, and you rob them from living in a universe of abundance. So by not wanting to take anything away from them, you're in fact taking a lot more away from them!

I was going back to re-read all the posts and I wanted to comment here. It really hit me the third time I read it (takes me long enough). This has happened with my boyfriend. I make more money so I tend to just have him pay his set share of the bills. When he gets paid he wants to take me out and I always feel so bad because I know it means he won't have much if any money until his next check for himself. I just realized how much it must hurt more that I tell him to save his money for himself. When what I really want is for him to treat me sometimes. Hello! I get resentful that I pay for things, but then I won't let him pay for anything!!! I am sure it's confusing for him.

It's true with some other friends too. I feel kind of guilty that I make more money, but one friend I am thinking of in particular has tried to just buy me a soda when we stop at the convenience store and I say "no thanks, I'm not thirsty" when this is her way of showing me she appreciates what I've done for her. How can I rob her of that? Is that really helping?

[Rose of Cairo]

hmmmm... the more I read your posts the more I think it looks like you're being depressed. I don't mean just sad today or for a few days, I mean going through a real depression. You sound so much like me when I was depressed. I'm having all alarm bells raging in my head about you!

[mahreenferdous]

Giving and taking are two sides of the same coin. We are for some reason socially conditioned to believe that giving is 'good' and taking is 'bad'. Think about it this way if taking it 'bad' then when you give you are making someone else do something 'bad'. You are making the person you give to do something that you yourself believe to be 'bad'. It's really the same thing just keep in mind that it's a cycle and that we're merely here to carry it on.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

hmmmm... the more I read your posts the more I think it looks like you're being depressed. I don't mean just sad today or for a few days, I mean going through a real depression. You sound so much like me when I was depressed. I'm having all alarm bells raging in my head about you!

I've thought the same thing. And there's a history of depression, bipolar and suicide in my family. My mom's on medication for it. But I guess I feel like I have other tools to deal with it if I would only use them. And I know that if I would get my you-know-what in gear about food/exercise/sleep it would help, but I guess I'm not too motivated to do that either -- apathetic.

People tell me that maybe I should be medicated and it's kind of funny because I've tried that route before when I was depressed and I didn't like it. At the same time, maybe they have a point?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by mahreenferdous

Giving and taking are two sides of the same coin. We are for some reason socially conditioned to believe that giving is 'good' and taking is 'bad'. Think about it this way if taking it 'bad' then when you give you are making someone else do something 'bad'. You are making the person you give to do something that you yourself believe to be 'bad'. It's really the same thing just keep in mind that it's a cycle and that we're merely here to carry it on.

Interesting thoughts. I appreciate you sharing. If I feel so good about giving, then shouldn't I give other people the opportunity by taking what they want to give?

[uberinquisitive]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

hmmmm... the more I read your posts the more I think it looks like you're being depressed.

yes, it sounds like depression.

When did you start feeling like this consistently? Did anything trigger it or prolong it?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I go through it off and on. It seems like it had a lot to do with the job I gave up in order to be in this relationship along with the early stages of the relationship itself when things were really hard and I didn't have any idea what to do. As far as the relationship goes we are both really committed to getting to the bottom of our issues and I feel good about that even when things aren't going swimmingly there. But one desire I have is to do something worthwhile with my life, to contribute, and I feel nothing of that in my job or in anything else I'm doing in life. My job before with kids paid less and was tough as hell, but I saw tangible results that I was making a difference, you know?

I am not even sure how long it's been that I've felt like this though because I don't really remember the last time I wasn't sad just beneath the surface.

[coLLege kid07]

Maybe it's just a habit....? I know that I sometimes go through patterns that are very counterproductive/negative. Then when I realise it's just a bad habit I programmed in my brain it settles down and seems to go away. I'm not quite sure if any of this is relevant to your situation but hopefully you will figure it out. Remember the universe will send you whatever you need next in order to grow

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by coLLege kid07

Maybe it's just a habit....? I know that I sometimes go through patterns that are very counterproductive/negative. Then when I realise it's just a bad habit I programmed in my brain it settles down and seems to go away. I'm not quite sure if any of this is relevant to your situation but hopefully you will figure it out. Remember the universe will send you whatever you need next in order to grow

Yeah, I think that could be it too. I get into the negativity spiral and before I know it I can't see the top anymore. The universe has a tall order for me right now, it feels like. We'll see .

[coLLege kid07]

Maybe a belief like I will eventually create a life I truly love would help?

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I've thought the same thing. And there's a history of depression, bipolar and suicide in my family. My mom's on medication for it. But I guess I feel like I have other tools to deal with it

Yes, you have.

if I would only use them.

Yeah, I know, that's difficult when you're being depressed.

And I know that if I would get my you-know-what in gear about food/exercise/sleep it would help,

Yes, it definitely would help.

but I guess I'm not too motivated to do that either -- apathetic.

I wish I were with you now. I'd tremendously kick your you-know-what! And I'd hug you, too. I feel for you. I know how difficult it is, and I know you'll get out of there. You're strong and brave, and you have all of the universal PD wisdom at your feet

People tell me that maybe I should be medicated and it's kind of funny because I've tried that route before when I was depressed and I didn't like it. At the same time, maybe they have a point?

Hmm... I'm not able to talk about it objectively. I've always ferociously refused to let them mess with my brain chemistry. Several neurologists tried to pressure me into getting medicated, telling me it was the only solution to overcome the depression. They were wrong.

One of them even said to me "You have to get used to the idea that you'll be mentally ill all of your life." and gave me a lifelong lithium therapy. I threw his lithium in the garbage can and left. Now I'm doing pretty well for a mentally ill person

You're not me though, and if you want medication, that's fine. No matter what you decide, I'm in your corner. Love you.

[mahreenferdous]

You sound a lot like my ex. How about trying IM on this issue and manifesting a job and a relationship that you truly want? Just holding your thoughts till they become reality.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Well, I definitely don't want medication if I can at all avoid it. I know I'm not in danger of going suicidal or anything. I didn't feel good on meds at all. My mom swears by them though and she does seem different. I just know that for me right now there are a lot of things that I want to give the good old college try first. I see that as last resort for me personally. I have started taking my dog for longer walks because the vet said she is gaining too much weight and that her behavioral problems are a result of being cooped without enough exercise. As far as food, I'm probably 60/40 bad/good.

I have a notion that it may be the pill as well, but they keep switching it to find one that doesn't mess with my moods and no go yet. I guess I decide now whether I am willing to use another form of BC? And do a trial?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by coLLege kid07

Maybe a belief like I will eventually create a life I truly love would help?

That's a good one. I'll try it out.

[Gene]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

It's funny that you say it that way because I've been thinking that I am somewhat addicted to drama (more than weed ). .

I can relate to your statement that you are addicted to drama. A long time ago there were so many other behaviors that seemed to be the problem. As I worked and gave them up one of the later things to go was my addiction to drama.

In my life today when I am feeling down it is almost always the urge to drama, inside my head which is the firs